> "Noah 2003 VERSION"
> (It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States).
>
>
> The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain
> and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want
you
> to save the righteous people
> and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
> commanding you to build an Ark."
> In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
> Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
>
> "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
> aboard in one year."
received via email
>
> Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
> seas of the earth went into a
> tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
>
> "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
>
> "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
> problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did
> not comply with the codes. I
> had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
>
> Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
> fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
>
> Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
> building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city
> planning commission.
>
> I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
> cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
> Forest Service that I needed the
> wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
> catch any owls. So, no
> owls.
>
> The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
>
> I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have
> 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
>
> When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
> rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
>
> Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
> complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
> proposed flood. They didn't take
> very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of
> the Creator of the universe.
>
> Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
> plain. I sent them a globe.
>
> Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
> Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not
> taking godless,
> unbelieving people aboard!
>
> The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
> preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
>
> I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and
> failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
>
> Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
> construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it
is
> a religious event, therefore
> unconstitutional.
>
> I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
> wailed.
>
> The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
> A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
>
> "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
>
> No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
> (It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States).
>
>
> The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain
> and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want
you
> to save the righteous people
> and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am
> commanding you to build an Ark."
> In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
> Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
>
> "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
> aboard in one year."
received via email
>
> Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the
> seas of the earth went into a
> tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
>
> "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
>
> "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big
> problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did
> not comply with the codes. I
> had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
>
> Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
> fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
>
> Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
> building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city
> planning commission.
>
> I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
> cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
> Forest Service that I needed the
> wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
> catch any owls. So, no
> owls.
>
> The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
>
> I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have
> 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
>
> When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
> rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
>
> Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
> complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
> proposed flood. They didn't take
> very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of
> the Creator of the universe.
>
> Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
> plain. I sent them a globe.
>
> Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
> Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not
> taking godless,
> unbelieving people aboard!
>
> The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
> preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
>
> I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and
> failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
>
> Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
> construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it
is
> a religious event, therefore
> unconstitutional.
>
> I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
> wailed.
>
> The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
> A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
>
> "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
>
> No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
