If I woke up tomorrow and was back in the 11th grade...

[BrAndreyu]

I would try harder in school. I would not mess around with drugs or get involved in the "hook-up" culture that was just starting to come around in 2002-2003. I would seek help with Algebra and get good enough grades to be able to attend a university, get a degree, and then would begin the process to enter the priesthood. I would not have walked away from the church after my confirmation or started going to different protestant and evangelical churches. I would choose my friends more carefully and not worry about whether or not people thought that I was "cool". I would obey the law to the best of my ability and not get in any sort of legal trouble. I would get a job and put actual effort into it, and not blow it off to go to concerts, use drugs, and fornicate. If I was not capable of becoming a priest, I would join a Franciscan order... probably the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in NYC.

If I woke up tomorrow and was 16 again, and this was all just a bad dream, I would do the complete opposite of everything that I did because this dream showed me somewhere that I wouldn't want to be at 35 years old. People often say "I have no regrets" but I do. I have many regrets. I regret not living a decent life and becoming someone that can look himself in the mirror in the morning and say that I'm happy with myself. I don't believe the people that say that have no regrets, especially the people who are worse off legally and in life than I am (because they have kids they had taken away or can't support, have done actual prison time, have been addicted to or are addicted to heroin, etc).

The fact that we only get one life and I wasted mine is something that eats at me daily. The only thing I can do from here on out is try to live whatever time I have left in a way that honors Christ.

 

[pdudgeon]

I would try harder in school. I would not mess around with drugs or get involved in the "hook-up" culture that was just starting to come around in 2002-2003. I would seek help with Algebra and get good enough grades to be able to attend a university, get a degree, and then would begin the process to enter the priesthood. I would not have walked away from the church after my confirmation or started going to different protestant and evangelical churches. I would choose my friends more carefully and not worry about whether or not people thought that I was "cool". I would obey the law to the best of my ability and not get in any sort of legal trouble. I would get a job and put actual effort into it, and not blow it off to go to concerts, use drugs, and fornicate. If I was not capable of becoming a priest, I would join a Franciscan order... probably the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in NYC.

If I woke up tomorrow and was 16 again, and this was all just a bad dream, I would do the complete opposite of everything that I did because this dream showed me somewhere that I wouldn't want to be at 35 years old. People often say "I have no regrets" but I do. I have many regrets. I regret not living a decent life and becoming someone that can look himself in the mirror in the morning and say that I'm happy with myself. I don't believe the people that say that have no regrets, especially the people who are worse off legally and in life than I am (because they have kids they had taken away or can't support, have done actual prison time, have been addicted to or are addicted to heroin, etc).

The fact that we only get one life and I wasted mine is something that eats at me daily. The only thing I can do from here on out is try to live whatever time I have left in a way that honors Christ.

This is a very courageous post, and I honor you for your bravery, your insight, and your determination to keep on going in Life.
Personally, I have no doubt that you will succeed to your goal, God helping you all the way! Go for it!

 

[ReesePiece23]

Twenty years from now, you'll still be relatively young; you can apply THIS current mindset now for the next twenty years moving forwards and still arrive at a great place with plenty of time to enjoy the fruits at the other end.

Embrace the idea of being a 'late bloomer' - you're alive, which means you can GET to bloom. Some 16 year olds never got the chance. My mate Max for one, who fell off a balcony aged 16 before he even had the chance to get into college.

 

[boughtwithaprice]

I feel for you BrAndreyu, as I have lived the same life and have the same thoughts, but I am 58. God has mercy and at 35, you are still young. If I was 35, I would do what you are doing, first stay away from women, then I would work to find a way to pay off all my debts. I would go to daily Mass, pray the divine office and rosary every day, then look for an order to join. If none would have me, then I would be a hermit and form my own. There is so much that I could have done, but I squandered my chance
That doesn't matter, God has called me now, and He has called YOU now. What can we do? look around, pray, seek God's will. Don't let the devil tempt you to give up in sloth, because he has you convinced you blew it.
You still have incredible opportunities to serve God. Read the lives of the saints and find one that inspires you. Augustine squandered his early life, yet still became a doctor of the Church. Don't give up hope, where there is life there is hope

 

[BrAndreyu]

Embrace the idea of being a 'late bloomer' - you're alive, which means you can GET to bloom. Some 16 year olds never got the chance.

By all rights, I should be dead ten times over. I should have died from ODs plenty of times, I should have been shot during criminal activity, I should have crashed my car when I was driving under the influence; but God just chose to take other people instead of me, including one of my best friends whose death has had such an impact on me that it got me thinking about how I would relive my life differently if I had the opportunity.

Twenty years from now, you'll still be relatively young; you can apply THIS current mindset now for the next twenty years moving forwards and still arrive at a great place with plenty of time to enjoy the fruits at the other end.

I'm not sure how the rest of my life is going to turn out because I have a criminal record now and am in the middle of applying for disability because I have an extremely difficult time getting and keeping a job due to my mental health status, so the church tends to be the place that I go to find my comfort now and I'm hoping that if my case is approved, that I can spend my time that won't be spent working volunteering for my diocese in some way.

I'm not going to be entering the priesthood and the chances of me entering an order are slim to none given that I have perpetual prescriptions that I'm on and don't want to burden an order with paying for, so the best I can do is just live out faith in the community as well as I possibly can, remain faithful to whichever parish I inevitably choose to make my own, say the rosary daily, so on and so forth.

 

[Leaf473]

I would try harder in school. I would not mess around with drugs or get involved in the "hook-up" culture that was just starting to come around in 2002-2003. I would seek help with Algebra and get good enough grades to be able to attend a university, get a degree, and then would begin the process to enter the priesthood. I would not have walked away from the church after my confirmation or started going to different protestant and evangelical churches. I would choose my friends more carefully and not worry about whether or not people thought that I was "cool". I would obey the law to the best of my ability and not get in any sort of legal trouble. I would get a job and put actual effort into it, and not blow it off to go to concerts, use drugs, and fornicate. If I was not capable of becoming a priest, I would join a Franciscan order... probably the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal in NYC.

If I woke up tomorrow and was 16 again, and this was all just a bad dream, I would do the complete opposite of everything that I did because this dream showed me somewhere that I wouldn't want to be at 35 years old. People often say "I have no regrets" but I do. I have many regrets. I regret not living a decent life and becoming someone that can look himself in the mirror in the morning and say that I'm happy with myself. I don't believe the people that say that have no regrets, especially the people who are worse off legally and in life than I am (because they have kids they had taken away or can't support, have done actual prison time, have been addicted to or are addicted to heroin, etc).

The fact that we only get one life and I wasted mine is something that eats at me daily. The only thing I can do from here on out is try to live whatever time I have left in a way that honors Christ.

I hear you, my Brother!

This passage came to mind after reading your post

Joel 2:25 I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the great locust, the grasshopper, and the caterpillar, my great army, which I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, and be satisfied, and will praise the name of the Lord, your God, who has dealt wondrously with you; and my people will never be put to shame.

 

[BrAndreyu]

What can we do? look around, pray, seek God's will. Don't let the devil tempt you to give up in sloth, because he has you convinced you blew it.

The problem with seeking vocations now, is that since I'm more than likely not going to be going into an order or the priesthood because of my lack of education, criminal background, and mental illness; people assume that the other vocation is "married life" and that's not going to be happening either due to the extreme difficulty I have with interpersonal relationships so I'm really not sure what vocation I could really have. I doubt I'm ever going to be working again, as I am applying for disability benefits due to my mental health status so there's that as well. I realized too late in life that I would have been OK with being a plumber or an electrician so I took menial jobs that didn't get me any sort of marketable skills and all I'm really qualified to do for work, if my criminal background isn't an issue (which lets be honest, it is) is work fast food or at a gas station and I even have trouble doing that due to the mental illness.

So I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe I'm just supposed to be the guy around the parish who volunteers for everything and goes to mass six days a week? I don't know... after having gone to the TLM this past weekend I'm finding myself thinking about it more and more and wishing that I could learn that and make that parish my home parish... but it's 30+ miles north of where I live and I can't be driving 30-45 minutes to go to mass 6 days a week.

I say the rosary every night after I light a tealight candle in front of my triptych of the resurrection, with a statue of BVM and St. Joseph on either side, but I don't seem to get any direct answers to my prayers so I just don't know right now.

 

[pdudgeon]

By all rights, I should be dead ten times over. I should have died from ODs plenty of times, I should have been shot during criminal activity, I should have crashed my car when I was driving under the influence; but God just chose to take other people instead of me, including one of my best friends whose death has had such an impact on me that it got me thinking about how I would relive my life differently if I had the opportunity.




I'm not sure how the rest of my life is going to turn out because I have a criminal record now and am in the middle of applying for disability because I have an extremely difficult time getting and keeping a job due to my mental health status, so the church tends to be the place that I go to find my comfort now and I'm hoping that if my case is approved, that I can spend my time that won't be spent working volunteering for my diocese in some way.

I'm not going to be entering the priesthood and the chances of me entering an order are slim to none given that I have perpetual prescriptions that I'm on and don't want to burden an order with paying for, so the best I can do is just live out faith in the community as well as I possibly can, remain faithful to whichever parish I inevitably choose to make my own, say the rosary daily, so on and so forth.

You are going to be a blessing to whichever parish that you choose!

 

[BrAndreyu]

You are going to be a blessing to whichever parish that you choose!

I attend the parish that I currently attend because it was where I made my confirmation and I like the stained glass. It's a huge church and the inside of it isn't particularly attractive, it's not even the closest one to my house, but I go there because it's the only one in the town proper.

The parish I used to go to was named for St. Maximilian Kolbe (who I wish I would have chosen as my patron saint had I known about him when I was up for confirmation) and despite the fact that the church itself is in sort of a Bauhaus-modern architecture style, it also has a gorgeous piece of stained glass behind the altar but for some reason, does not have pews or kneelers, so almost nobody kneels because they'd have to kneel on the bare floor (not a problem for me, just awkward because the seating arrangement is chairs). The one reason I stopped going there is because the priest, although being an awesome guy from I think El Salvador who escaped the communists by hiding in the trunk of a car, makes you do face-to-face confession with him... which I absolutely do not like because it's not how I started going to confession as a kid, in short, it's "not traditional" for me.

Where I would go if I had the ability and lived much closer to it, is the FSSP parish I went to this past weekend. That was the most beautiful Catholic church I have ever seen. Everything about it was different, from the altar that looked like the front of a cathedral to the wall behind the altar being painted to resemble a night-sky, the giant statue of the blessed mother to the left of the altar with the blue candle... The mass was in Latin and I didn't understand it and felt more like a spectator than an active participant, but I have not been able to get it out of my head since I went last Sunday morning. I've been to Greek and Eastern Orthodox churches and even their divine liturgies were not as beautiful as the sung mass at this church that took an hour and a half. I just wish I knew what was going on better than I do and had a book to follow along with, say the responses.

There is also the Cathedral, where I have never been to a mass at, but it is about twenty miles away compared to the FSSP parish that is over 30 miles away and involves getting on the interstate. Still there is St. Charles Borromeo in the next town over, but it is also kind of far from my house and although it's a gorgeous church and is attached to a school, I've only gone to mass there a handful of times when I was living with the woman and her son.

 

[Leaf473]

The problem with seeking vocations now, is that since I'm more than likely not going to be going into an order or the priesthood because of my lack of education, criminal background, and mental illness; people assume that the other vocation is "married life" and that's not going to be happening either due to the extreme difficulty I have with interpersonal relationships so I'm really not sure what vocation I could really have. I doubt I'm ever going to be working again, as I am applying for disability benefits due to my mental health status so there's that as well. I realized too late in life that I would have been OK with being a plumber or an electrician so I took menial jobs that didn't get me any sort of marketable skills and all I'm really qualified to do for work, if my criminal background isn't an issue (which lets be honest, it is) is work fast food or at a gas station and I even have trouble doing that due to the mental illness.

So I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe I'm just supposed to be the guy around the parish who volunteers for everything and goes to mass six days a week? I don't know... after having gone to the TLM this past weekend I'm finding myself thinking about it more and more and wishing that I could learn that and make that parish my home parish... but it's 30+ miles north of where I live and I can't be driving 30-45 minutes to go to mass 6 days a week.

I say the rosary every night after I light a tealight candle in front of my triptych of the resurrection, with a statue of BVM and St. Joseph on either side, but I don't seem to get any direct answers to my prayers so I just don't know right now.

I've helped two close friends get on disability for their mental experiences, so I'll be happy to share my experiences with you either on this thread or by PM, if you want.

Myself, getting disabiltiy payments, going to Mass frequently and living a life of prayer sounds great to me. And of course, lots of posting here on CF
(I'm not big on volunteering, but some people get really into it.)

 

[BrAndreyu]

I've helped two close friends get on disability for their mental experiences, so I'll be happy to share my experiences with you either on this thread or by PM, if you want.

Myself, getting disabiltiy payments, going to Mass frequently and living a life of prayer sounds great to me. And of course, lots of posting here on CF
(I'm not big on volunteering, but some people get really into it.)

I just filled out the "function report" with my social worker yesterday and got it in the mail before it came, I'm still trying to contact the woman from the SSA like she said that I need to, but she hasn't picked up so I've been leaving messages and not getting any calls back.

Depending on whether I am approved for full or partial, I'm planning on trying to find some sort of way to get out of the house more and whether that's volunteering at the church to the best of my ability or just going out to mass during the week, it would be good to be able to get out more because I should not be as much of a homebody as I am at 35.

 

[Leaf473]

I just filled out the "function report" with my social worker yesterday and got it in the mail before it came, I'm still trying to contact the woman from the SSA like she said that I need to, but she hasn't picked up so I've been leaving messages and not getting any calls back.

Depending on whether I am approved for full or partial, I'm planning on trying to find some sort of way to get out of the house more and whether that's volunteering at the church to the best of my ability or just going out to mass during the week, it would be good to be able to get out more because I should not be as much of a homebody as I am at 35.

Even before the pandemic, the SSA was often slow to respond back to me (I've been a representative payee as well). They want you to get back to them right away ("respond to this letter in 10 days"), but I've sometimes gone months without hearing from them.

I know someone who is the manager of an SSA office. When the rest of the office staff went to working from home, she still went to the office and did all the printing and mailing, etc. She described the situation as, ummm, difficult

Glad to hear you're pursuing it on your end and that you have a social worker to help. I'm sure they've already told you that when your application is approved, SSA will back pay you to the date of your initial contact with them.

Prayers that you will have peace in this process.

 

[BrAndreyu]

Glad to hear you're pursuing it on your end and that you have a social worker to help. I'm sure they've already told you that when your application is approved, SSA will back pay you to the date of your initial contact with them.

No, he did not tell me that and I was not aware of that. Or maybe he told me and I simply forgot, I'm pretty forgetful about most things but some other things like prayers stick in my memory well enough.

Oddly enough, as soon as I finished posting the last message the SSA lady called and asked me a few questions which I answered to the best of my ability, but she's going to get the form in anyway and that's where all of the information is that my social worker helped me fill out. Apparently she's also going to be sending one to my social worker regarding my functionality that he's going to have to fill out.

They also said I might have to go see a doctor, but I don't know what good that's going to do because my case is a mental related one, the physical aspects are all side-effects of my medication.

 

[boughtwithaprice]

Are you in Ohio? Have you ever thought of moving south to Steubenville? Send me a message and we can talk about a plan to help you out. God bless you.

As for Latin, go on you tube, they have great prayers there in Latin with english translation
The Angelus and Ave Maria Stella are my favorites. Universalis is also a good Ap to get for a smart phone, it has the divine office, prayers and Mass readings in Latin and English

 

[BrAndreyu]

Are you in Ohio? Have you ever thought of moving south to Steubenville?

No, I'm nowhere near Ohio. I'm in Southwest Florida and I really can't move anywhere because I have a hard time taking care of myself, holding down work, so on and so forth because I have pretty severe schizoaffective disorder. To the point where I am applying for disability for it currently. My mom and family pretty much support me as of right now, so any moving that's going to happen is probably going to be to Upstate NY when my mom retires in a year or so and I get off of probation.

Also I'm not sure what Steubenville is. I've heard of it and that they have youth conferences there, but I have no clue as to anything about it aside from that.

 

[Leaf473]

No, he did not tell me that and I was not aware of that. Or maybe he told me and I simply forgot, I'm pretty forgetful about most things but some other things like prayers stick in my memory well enough.

Oddly enough, as soon as I finished posting the last message the SSA lady called and asked me a few questions which I answered to the best of my ability, but she's going to get the form in anyway and that's where all of the information is that my social worker helped me fill out. Apparently she's also going to be sending one to my social worker regarding my functionality that he's going to have to fill out.

They also said I might have to go see a doctor, but I don't know what good that's going to do because my case is a mental related one, the physical aspects are all side-effects of my medication.

About the back payments, if it takes them, say, 8 months to approve your application, then they'll pay you 8 times whatever monthly amount they approve you for.

So it could be like:
8 x $750 = $6,000

Pretty cool, imo.

About the doctor, they're actually trying to help you get your case approved, I think. A SSI lawyer once told me that they really only pay attention to what is in the records of an M.D. (or D.O.).

It can be a family Doc, or psychiatrist, or any other kind of specialist. The lawyer said it's important to let your doctors know that you're applying so they can put lots of important details in your patient record. (Some doctors scoff at this, others will try to be really helpful.) For one of my friends that got approved, his psychiatrist wrote in his record "He can't work due to depression." I don't know if that was the clincher or not, but I'm sure it helped!

So if they're sending you to get a physical or something, they probably want a doctor's records saying what side effects the medications have.

Funny thing, as I understand it. If you put on a form that a drug makes you tired, that doesn't carry much weight (according to the lawyer). But if you tell that to the doctor, and they write "significant fatigue", that becomes evidence for your case.

So only tell the truth, of course, but you may wish to give the doctor lots of details about what side effects you're having.

Hope the process goes well and smoothly!

 

[BrAndreyu]

It can be a family Doc, or psychiatrist, or any other kind of specialist. The lawyer said it's important to let your doctors know that you're applying so they can put lots of important details in your patient record. (Some doctors scoff at this, others will try to be really helpful.) For one of my friends that got approved, his psychiatrist wrote in his record "He can't work due to depression." I don't know if that was the clincher or not, but I'm sure it helped!

I have a mental health clinic that I go to that has plenty of records on me, two of them actually because I switched clinics because I wasn't getting good care at the other one, so I gave them the contact information for both of them.

They might send me to a doctor, they might not. They haven't made that decision yet but they pay for the doctor's visit supposedly which is good because I cannot afford to go to a doctor right now.

Either way, my social worker said that if they deny me to just immediately appeal the decision since they usually deny everyone the first time. He said the important thing was to not stop trying even if I they deny me.

If you put on a form that a drug makes you tired, that doesn't carry much weight (according to the lawyer). But if you tell that to the doctor, and they write "significant fatigue", that becomes evidence for your case.

That's a big part of the problem: the side-effects that my medications cause. I mean, having schizoaffective disorder and dealing with paranoia, hallucinations and delusions, inappropriate outbursts is hard enough as it is, but the severe fatigue, emotional flatness, and lack of motivation to really do much besides self-isolate in my room all day is bad as well.

Hope the process goes well and smoothly!

Thanks, so do I.

 

[Leaf473]

I have a mental health clinic that I go to that has plenty of records on me, two of them actually because I switched clinics because I wasn't getting good care at the other one, so I gave them the contact information for both of them.

They might send me to a doctor, they might not. They haven't made that decision yet but they pay for the doctor's visit supposedly which is good because I cannot afford to go to a doctor right now.

Either way, my social worker said that if they deny me to just immediately appeal the decision since they usually deny everyone the first time. He said the important thing was to not stop trying even if I they deny me.




That's a big part of the problem: the side-effects that my medications cause. I mean, having schizoaffective disorder and dealing with paranoia, hallucinations and delusions, inappropriate outbursts is hard enough as it is, but the severe fatigue, emotional flatness, and lack of motivation to really do much besides self-isolate in my room all day is bad as well.




Thanks, so do I.

The more records the better!

For one of my friends that finally got approved, the clinic he was at just xeroxed the records. He ended up getting denied at first and then denied on the appeal, too. The psychiatrist later told us that if he'd known we were applying, he would have taken the time to write a detailed letter and put it in the records. (My friend later applied again a year later and got approved on the appeal. Different psychiatrist by that time.)

And yes, if they send you to a doctor, they will definitely pay for it. If transportation is an issue, maybe your social worker can help in some way.

Definitely keep trying if they deny. I was preparing to go to court for my friend, that's when I contacted the lawyer that gave me the good advice. And it was all free, because they can't collect a fee unless they win the case in court for you. And then the fee is fixed by law at 25% of your backpayment amount. But then his appeal was approved so we ended up not going to court.

Wow, halucinations and severe fatigue? I'd think you'd be a shoo-in. But who knows the workings of the SSA. (Though I think it's technically your state's disability board that makes the determination on behalf of the SSA.)


May the peace of the Lord Jesus be with you!

 

[BrAndreyu]

And yes, if they send you to a doctor, they will definitely pay for it. If transportation is an issue, maybe your social worker can help in some way.

No, the transportation won't be an issue. I have that part taken care of because I can still drive believe it or not.

Wow, halucinations and severe fatigue? I'd think you'd be a shoo-in. But who knows the workings of the SSA. (Though I think it's technically your state's disability board that makes the determination on behalf of the SSA.)

That's not even the half of it. I have tremors that make it hard for me to lift or carry things. I was working for a friend doing windows and doors but I started shaking so badly that I couldn't use an impact driver.

In addition to that I have what are called "fixed delusions" as a lot of people can probably tell from some of the posts I make on here regarding the government, etc. I also self-isolate because my room is really the only place I feel comfortable, can only be on my feet for short periods of time, have trouble climbing stairs (luckily there aren't a lot of those in Florida) and I do not get along with people very well, have trouble concentrating and following instructions... all sorts of "fun" stuff.

I'm hoping that since my social worker is acting as my advocate in the case, that it will make me more apt to be approved but I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket right yet.

 

[Leaf473]

No, the transportation won't be an issue. I have that part taken care of because I can still drive believe it or not.

That's not even the half of it. I have tremors that make it hard for me to lift or carry things. I was working for a friend doing windows and doors but I started shaking so badly that I couldn't use an impact driver.

In addition to that I have what are called "fixed delusions" as a lot of people can probably tell from some of the posts I make on here regarding the government, etc. I also self-isolate because my room is really the only place I feel comfortable, can only be on my feet for short periods of time, have trouble climbing stairs (luckily there aren't a lot of those in Florida) and I do not get along with people very well, have trouble concentrating and following instructions... all sorts of "fun" stuff.

I'm hoping that since my social worker is acting as my advocate in the case, that it will make me more apt to be approved but I'm not putting all my eggs in that basket right yet.

Glad to hear you can still drive, that makes other things in life easier, imo.

I'm not sure, but I think the tremors will be a key peice of information. The SSA will probably want to contact your friend to verify if he had to let you go because you couldn't hold a power tool. That is, if it's on the application that you worked for him. If it was a "pay in cash" job, maybe it was better to leave it off, I don't know. Maybe the social worker would know.

But significant tremors would rule out a whole bunch of jobs. Eliminate enough kinds of work and the only conclusion is that you qualify as diabled.

The lawyer guy also said that if a person can't do substantial gainful work for more than 90 minutes a day, that also qualifies as disabled. So if time on your feet is limited, that again rules out a lot of jobs.

Again, hope the process goes well! It sounds to me like you should be approved right off, but there's no predicting with the SSA. One of my friends said he didn't want to go to the special hearing they had set up that they said was required. So we wrote them a letter saying he wouldn't attend. They approved him anyways