Dear brother, you are not the only one with such thoughts. I've seen a recent increase of people even on these boards who feel like you. And I hope all of you find each other and encourage each other as well.
Not to say that I don't feel like a loser, or ashamed of myself. I am, but there were times when it was all that mattered. It was like I almost worshiped my failures, as if they mattered. If I had a chance to do or believe something good, I rejected it, because my feelings towards my supposed failures were more important! I believe we have planks in our eyes when we're judging ourselves too, not only when judging others. And it is, indeed, a certain form of blindness. Inability to see anything good - especially in ourselves - can poison our souls. We don't see what we want to see, and we see what we don't want to see. And when we're depressed, it becomes a lot worse. It becomes a cycle with no other goal than to make us feel even more miserable. It feeds out of our misery and creates more of it. I certainly dove head-first into that cycle.
When I dove head-first into it, I had no compassion for myself. I think I had, but it was a lie, it was only bitterness towards others, towards life, and inability to understand and accept my own weaknesses. I felt no love, only neglect or hate. And I did everything wrong. I became an alcoholic, I lost my job, got addicted to certain drugs and after a while I just didn't care anymore. And I felt like a failure. I thought I was only a walking compilation of failures, lies, laziness, inability, shame and fear. At some point I started to feel that pain physically, and I'm sure many people here know what I'm talking about. So I cried and prayed to God, because I thought I would have to kill myself to end the pain. I prayed for help. While it did take a long, long time for me to get better, I believe I was carried through the worst. There were times when I just had to endure, to just stay alive and take all and every help I could get, but I believe God was there.
I'm better now. Not "all" better, but better. I still suffer from the same thoughts you have, I don't have a job (disability pension), don't have a family, but I feel more peace than ever. And I want to encourage you to hang on, and get the help you need, even if sometimes we have to fight for it. Most of us know how you feel, even though you certainly feel your own suffering personally, and I don't want to undermine that.
About God. If Christ was a strict judge, looking angrily on us, none of us could stand. Absolutely nobody. We do not have a tormentor, we have a savior. If God is indeed love, like Paul said, His love goes beyond ours. His grace and mercy also goes beyond ours too - He gave His only begotten Son for us.
We can't add anything to what Christ did to "earn" anything. The works we do, should not be out of fear, or about trying to earn something. We have already been promised life in the name of Christ. None us can top that. No deed from our part is enough. And if we try to earn our way to heaven, what is enough? If we do that, we are taking burdens upon burdens on our shoulders. We will soon realize that nothing is enough, we can't be holy by ourselves. And what's worse: we start to make it about us, not about Christ. If I could earn my way up to heaven, what good is Christ? This way, God has all the glory, and none of us can pretend we are better than each other, since we are all under the same grace.
Believe in that, and your heart will be relieved. Not because I said it, but because Christ said it:
"When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”"
and also:
"Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?”
Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”"
Isn't that the greatest work we can do! And also the hardest. It is the most simple thing, but we make it hard for ourselves. We can easily barricade the doors from God's grace and love, when we stare at our sins and failures, as if those things have more power than Christ. We stare at our failures and become desperate. We want so badly for love, acceptance and grace that we can't even fathom that it's already there. It's behind the door we chose to barricade. So we have to "surrender" to Christ. We have to stop trusting our bad feelings, and let that love and grace in. We have to believe that God loves us, and none of us deserved it. It is a gift. And it doesn't matter how miserable or weak or powerful someone is. We can't deserve it, because it's not a pay for our work. It's perfect love.
And don't worry if you don't feel it, or if you think your faith isn't strong enough. Even WANTING to believe it shows where your heart is, and our treasure is indeed where our hearts are. This can be a lesson of how our feelings shouldn't always guide us. Sometimes faith is a choice. I made the choice to WANT to believe that Christ is my savior, and that God loves me when I didn't have the faith to really believe it. I prayed and gave myself to Christ, fully understanding that I cannot save myself. And if I don't always feel that love, at least I know I put my trust into something far better than my own fickle, depressed moods. And remember: God isn't the father who gives us scorpions. When we ask, we shall receive.
And when we believe this grace, the feeling will often follow and give us strength. Even if it may go away again, but nowadays I try to take it as a reminder that I don't worship my feelings, because if I did, I would already be dead. Or a cultist, or something else. Christ did everything for us, because we cannot do what He did. To be allowed to just believe in it - with whatever faith we have - is truly freedom.
This is where many (including depressed people) struggle, because people already blame themselves for so much, and it's so hard to see or believe truly good things. But it's also a way to really find God. I'm not saying God puts depression on us, but whenever we suffer, He is close. I am now glad that I suffered. Because I learned to lean on God and Christ. I'm not perfect at it, and believe me, I have my weak moments, but I have so much more peace than I ever had. And if I do "works", which sadly isn't that often, I do it out of joy, because I believe I was loved first. Not out of fear, not because I can earn anything. Loving father encourages us for good, instead of punishing us for failures to do good, because that's why Christ came.
When we suffer and go through struggles in life, faith and ourselves, no matter what it is, we begin to really understand what matters the most in life. It's always love and taking care of each other, isn't it? The more we suffer, the more we understand this, and the useless junk all over around us, all over the world, starts to lose its meaning. When we suffer, we have a chance to become humble, and we start to notice when others are suffering too. For example, I've had anxiety for a long time. If someone around me has anxiety too, I can see it, no matter how good they can be disguising it. And perhaps, I can just ease their life or help them some other way.
I have met people in my life who went through hardships. Some of them indeed went through a lot of pain, depression, doubt and adversity, but in the end they pulled through, no matter how long it took, and they were there to comfort me with their experience and wisdom. God knows I've needed those people, even just one made a difference. You could be one of those people too, for anybody. And you may not even know anything about it. Those people who I talked about, I call them "beacons of hope". They don't know how much they mattered, but they did.
God loves you, and Christ did everything for you already. Do not worry, and take care of yourself. Get help for your condition. Said a prayer for you.
