I wish I was dead.

eagledreams · Jan 23, 2013

I don't even know where to start.

I will be turning 30 this year and have completely wasted my youth to depression but it also feels like I am still mentally 16 because I have no life and am so desperately immature and do't have any of the things most 30 year olds have. I just want to give up. I have no real friends, have never had any real relationships, no real friends and there is just no hope whatsoever for my future at the moment. It's weird. I am almost 30 but in many ways it is like I am a 16 year old in the body of a nearly 30 year old because I am so pathetically immature, living at home, never had a boyfriend, living in the way a teenager would. I am so pathetically immature.

I have been depressed for at least 15 years now. I don't think I remember a time in my life where there wasn't sadness in my mind. I've never been good enough for anyone. I was never popular at school. I had a horrible awkward phase for a couple of years that meant I was bullied relentlessly. Sometimes I responded to this pain by being a bully back which makes me a terrible person. I have said and done things that would make people stop being my friend if they knew it.

I have never belonged anywhere but I am desperate to belong. I don't make friends easy. I feel inferior. So me, stupid stupid men, makes the mistake of lying to impress people, to sound interesting, so I'm not boring. I didn't have friends in real life, so I spent my life on the internet for hours a day, lying to strangers to try and make friends and of course it all came back to bite me because no one likes liars and liars are bad people and people made a fake website I can't remove calling me a liar and it has my full name attached and since I have one of those long huge Greek surnames it shows up when you google me so everyone will be about to look up my past so even if things change it will be too late for me. I'm scared they'll just keep making my life miserable too even though I deleted all my social media accounts I don't even have facebook to stay in touch with my family in Greece (I'm in Australia). I screwed up but I feel like everyone is taking it too far to make me pay now.

I do want to change. I don't want to live lies anymore but once that's your reputation that's your reputation and no one forgives you and everyone thinks you're horrible even if you didn't have bad intentions and it means no one will ever want to be your friend anymore. I'm not even making sense but I'm crying as I write this I'm losing sense. But. How can I make friends or have relationships with I used to be a liar? No one will ever trust me there will always be doubt of me. I might as well disappear so much.

And the world hates me if people want me to be so unhappy they'll make sure I can never move on by making websites and stuff.

I don't feel like god loves me anymore I'd even call myself agnostic now because if god loves me, how could he make me depressed for all these years when other people get to be effortlessly happy.

I hate my job but there is no way I could do anything better because I failed out of university and didn't finish and can't afford to go back now because I have so many bills I need to pay and can't afford to be a student so for the rest of my life I will be doing something that makes me unhappy because I made poor decisions about studying. I was too depressed to study it's why I failed.

I'm a horrible person. I've lied and said mean things and god doesn't love me and I have made a mess of my life with no hope of ever redeeming it. I really want to be happy but with everything I have one my life karma is ruined and I will never be able to do so. I want to have a family one day, but no one will deal with the girl with depression and regrets and has been a liar and has scar covered wrists and legs and I swear depression has ruined my life.

I want to be that really happy, really positive, really nice and likable person but to be that person is to be a fraud and to tell more lies and to be even more of a bad person. I can't forgive myself.

If I died, it would be better, maybe people would stop hating me. Well, I think that and then I remember they'd know what kind of person I am and everyone would be happy I am dead and it kills me to know the world would be a better place if I died and my parents would know the extent of how much of a screw up I am.

My brain is broken.

I care too much about what people think about me and things that don't matter.

I only see the negative.

I assume everyone hates me.

I have no worth.

I am nothing.

I feel like the only way I can be happy and have a nice life now is if history can be rewritten and history can't be rewritten. I have ruined my life beyond repair and it devastates me because it is all my fault, all thanks to depression, me not handling it well, I don't know how to fix it.

So now I just wish I was dead. I wish there was another way. Like getting a new shot at life.

How did I end up this way

Noxot · Jan 23, 2013

I am so sorry. I wish I could comfort you with words. but i know that God does love you, why would you even exist if God did not love you?

eagledreams · Jan 23, 2013

I don't know, but when I love someone, I want them to be happy. And god has the power to make me happy. So why does he watch me be so unhappy?

Noxot · Jan 23, 2013

eagledreams said:
I don't know, but when I love someone, I want them to be happy. And god has the power to make me happy. So why does he watch me be so unhappy?

I just can't give a good enough answer. truly it is a very deep question. I know that praying to God and reading his word has helped me a lot. my perception of who God is started to change and I started to feel better knowing more the character of God. changing my point of view took some time but i'm better off. when i start to hate myself, that is when i feel like dirt. but if God forgives you for the bad things you have done then you should try to cast those feelings and burdens away and to try to dwell in doing good. though I don't know what would make you feel better, I really wish i could make you be happy. sometimes I watch a tv show or listen to music and it cheers me up.

jeshu linked this video in another thread, it helped me out, maybe it will help you? i'm praying for you to feel better. seek something good to do maybe, sometimes just crying and seeking God had helped me in the past even though it did not feel like it was helping at the time.

Dr. Caroline Leaf on It's Supernatural with Sid Roth - Toxic Thoughts - YouTube

ByTheSpirit · Jan 23, 2013

Hey there, I know exactly how you feel as I used to feel the same way. Its truly difficult to comprehend how some people have all the wealth and fame and others suffer endlessly, but God has promised He will one day right all wrongs. He does love you, you must accept that He does love you. He expressed His love for you on the cross and continues to express it daily in giving you air to breathe, food and the likes ya know? I know life doesn't seem worth living right now but life is an incredible gift. The things that God offers us in this life can never be experienced again once this life is offer. Your life has worth. You are very valuable to Him. I pray God will reveal Himself to you even today in a way that will completely refresh your life and vigor. Don't give up, God is ever by your side.

Aalia · Jan 23, 2013

I used to feel that way too. I thought that I wanted to die, but in reality all I wanted was for the pain and despair to end. I want to tell you straight-off the bat: You are not a horrible person- you are a good person, who - by the sound of it - is in a bad place right now, but that can and will change. Life is a series of changes & this too shall pass.

God loves you- whether you can see it or not, He loves you. The sun doesn't disappear just because it's cloudy. Maybe you don't feel as though you can forgive yourself, but God will always forgive you. God can take the most broken, down-hearted people and make them amazing, but you have to be willing to let Him. You need to let go of other people's expectations of you. You're almost 30, never had a boyfriend, live at home, etc.. so what?! If anyone would judge you for this, then it's their problem. You have no friends? I will be your friend, and there you have one, but mostly importantly, Jesus will be your friend, if you are willing to let Him. God wants to give us so much, but we have to be willing to accept.

You are not broken, you are a beautiful child of God and you have infinite worth. There is not another person like you in the entire world. Search the world over and there will not be another eagledreams, God created just one of you. If you died, the world would be lacking something. I know how depression is, because I've had it myself, but please know that how you feel now isn't necessarily how you will feel for the next 30, 40, 50 years of your life. You have the chance to start life anew every single morning that you wake up. The past is gone, what's important is the now-- here, in this moment, is all that matters.

If you need someone to talk to, you are very welcome to PM me. My offer of friendship is a genuine one.

dennis1777 · Jan 23, 2013

Lean on the Master, Jesus. He has the power to heal the broken heart. I am still in the process of healing. He is gentle and meek of heart. He came not for the righteous but the sick and sinners.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.

Carmella Prochaska · Jan 23, 2013

You seem to be the only 1 who thinks you're immature. You don't sound like a 16 year-old in your writing. People can't objectively define mature/immature by their standards. You do have a life even if you don't have the same things other 30 year-olds have. Your circumstances are a lot better than many people your age in different parts of the world. Giving up should never be an option. You don't have to have friends or romantic relationships to make your life better. There were times in my life when I didn't have any friends at all. In primary school, I used to sit by the pond & draw cause I had no friends. Younger kids used to come & look at my drawings & that was the only real interaction I had. I've also never been in any relationships. But I think you're still pretty young & I don't think you should give up on relationships. I know many women in their 50's who still have bf's. There's no age limit. There are also many people your age living at home. I work with some. You seem to be the only one who thinks you're pathetically immature.

15 years is too long to be depressed. You can change that today if you wanted. Learn to be a hopeless optimist. Everyone has sadness but they can't dwell on it forever because dwelling on it doesn't change anything, only action does. I don't think you've met the right person yet & I'm sure there's someone out there for you. Being popular in school is overrated. Most people aren't. A lot of people have been bullied. I know many people who've been bullied but they learnt to ignore other people's nonsense. The only reason I wasn't bullied was because I did shotokan karate & people were afraid of me. Bullying is something that shouldn't get to you. Don't let people define you. We've all done awful things in life & we just need to repent & move on.

You have to know who you are first & learn to define yourself not by other people's standards. When you learn to do that, then you will belong somewhere. I never made friends easy nor did I go looking for friends. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who isn't individual or original. Learn to not follow a crowd.

Spunkn · Jan 23, 2013

Wow, it's as if I'm looking at an exact copy of my life in someone else's life. So I will just say you are not alone. I'm not quite 30 yet, but I just turned 29 last December 30th.

I feel much the same way as you do. You seem to look at most other people around us our age and they are married, control of their own business, seem to be doing well. I've never been on a date as of yet. I live with my parents currently, no job. So I can definately relate to the feeling immature and like you aren't accomplishing anything.

Junior High / High School was an absolute nightmare. It got so bad for me that I dropped out of my Junior year of High School. Eventually I went back and got my GED after someone convinced me to. I am slow to make friends. Very slow. I've had very few genuine friends, and those I have I made through the internet through video games. I spent so many years of my life playing online video games that it damaged my ability to deal with people. It damaged my memory and my knowledge of common things most people don't think about. But it kept me alive. And I also met people there who I consider very close friends even though I have never met them in real life.

When we get so depressed that everything is dark and bleak, it seems as if nothing will ever change. We will always fail. I went to counselors and they would tell me "get a job" or "choose to be happy". Choose to be happy? Really? That's what you're going to tell me? I got really mad after someone telling me that multiple times. Telling a depressed person to choose to be happy is just about the worst thing you can do.

I can tell you more of my story in an email if you wish. But let me offer you some hope if I can. I'm not perfect. I don't have it altogether. I still struggle with depression and isolation. Feelings of awkwardness and like everyone's staring at you. But it can get better.

You are not a horrible person. You've made mistakes, a lot of us have. God still loves you. He created you. I know you feel lost and it feels like God doesn't care about you but He does. He sent His Son to die on the cross for us and pay for our sins. ALL our sins. That means that everything you've done. Everything you are doing presently. Everything you WILL do has been paid for if you have accepted Christ as your personal savior.

I don't believe in karma, but I do believe God gives us many chances to come back to Him.

Why does God allow us to go through depression if He is a loving God? First I think we have to look at who God is and what His purpose is. His definition of love is often different from how we view love. Our view of love is that it would be the loving thing to do to take all the pain away, all the sorrow, make everyone happy. But ultimately would that bring people closer to Him? Often in sorrow and pain we are most dependant on God and that is where God wants us to be, dependant on Him. He created us. He created us to have a personal relationship with Him. There are also other reasons for suffering. My pastor made this last a couple years ago and handed it out to us in church. I thought it was a real blessing. Perhaps this list will help you understand how God can work through pain. I think I'll make a new post for it, it's kind of long.

Spunkn · Jan 23, 2013

42 reasons (certainly not all of them I would imagine) for pain and suffering

1. to bring us joy - 2 Cor 8.2
2. to teach us about Himself - Ps. 46:1, Ps:119:75
3. to prove His love for us - Heb 12:6
4. as a condition of disciples - Acts 14:22, Luke 14:26-27, 33
5. to reveal our spiritual condition - Ps 119:71
6. to discipline us when we are out of fellowship - 1 Cor. 11:28-32, 1 Cor 5:1-5
7 to purify us - Phil. 3:12-14, 1 Pet:6-7
8. to get us to first things first - Mark 9:12 (I don't totally understand this one, and it may have been a typo to say that to get us to put God first ,I'm just going off of a sheet we made copies of)
9. to draw us to Himself - James 5:13, Ps.32 3-5
10. to move us to repentance - Heb 12:6
11. as on on-going training tool - 1 Pet. 1:5&6, Heb 12:5
12. to rid of us pride 2 Cor 12:7
13. to test and refine our faith - Isa 43:2, Dan 11:35, Mal 3:2, 1 Cor 3:13, 1 Pet 1:7
14. to get us to trust in Him rather than ourselves - 2 Cor 1:8&9, 2 Cor 11:24ff, 2 Cor 12:7-10, Eph 6:10
15. to get us to rely on His word - Ps 119:71, 92, Ps. 62:1-8
16. to teach us to obey Him - Ps. 119:67, 71, Heb 5:5-11
17. to get us to rest in His grace in our weakness - 2 Cor 12:7-10
18. to spare us a greater trial that would be too much for us to bear - Ex 13:17&18
19. to bring us to perfection and completion James 1:4
20. to build Christ-likeness - Rom 8:28-29, 2 Cor 4:8-11, Phil 1:19ff, Phil 3:21
21. to produce endurance, character, and hope - Rom 5:3-5
22. so that we will be glorified with Christ - Rom 8:17-19, 2 Cor. 4:17-5:4
23. so that we may be identified with Him in His crucifixion - Gal 2:20
24. so that we may share His suffering - 1 Pet 4:12-13, Phil 1:29&30, Phil3:8-10
25. to qualify us to be fellow-heirs with Christ - 2 Tim 2:12 (not talking about salvation)
26. to evidence our qualifications for entrance into the kingdom of God - 2 Thes. 1:4-5 (again I dont think this has to do with actual salvation but to show others that we as Christians often go through some of the same suffering Christ did)
27. to qualify us to reign with Christ - 2 Tim 2:12
28. for our own sake to bear more fruit "pruned" that we may bear fruit - John 15:1-7
29. to broaden our ministries - Philippians 1:12-14 (this one has hit home for me, because of my depression I am better able to understand what people go through)
30. so that we might glorify God before the angelic world - Job 1-2
31. so we manifest the evil nature of men and the righteousness of the justice of God when it falls in judgement 1 Thess. 2:14-16
32. it provides opportunities to reveal our credentials as Ambassadors of Christ - John 11:45
33. so that because of death working in us, life may work in them - 2Cor 4:12
34. so that grace may extend to more - 2 Cor 4:15
35. so that our generosity may bless others - 2 Cor 8:2 (we will be more compassionate towards others who are suffering and will be more inclined to help them when others suffer)
36. to show people that what they're trusting in is not sufficient - Ex 18:5-11
37. as a testimony and a witness for salvation - 2 Tim 2:8-10, 2 Cor. 4:8-11
38. as a tool to bringing others to the salvation of their souls - Acts 9:15-16
39. to give us the ability to comfort others - 2 Cor 1:3-7
40. so that we might encourage others - Phil 1:14
41. so that the life of Jesus may be visible in our ordinary human flesh - 2 Cor 4:10
42. so that God's work and glory may be shown - John 9:1-7, 1 Pet 4:16

Spunkn · Jan 23, 2013

Your life is not over. You are not worthless. To call you those things would be to call myself the same thing because I have been in the exact situation, and still am in many ways. But there's hope. And things can change. It's not hopeless. I'll PM you my email address if you need someone to talk to or whatever you decide is fine, just know you're not alone.

xounstaer · Jan 23, 2013

death is a fairytail untill you die.

Purge187 · Jan 23, 2013

Eagle, I'm a single Christian guy who's about to turn 34 and who just got laid off from a great job. Even in the midst of my personal and economic woes, my faith in God is keeping me calm and at peace. He can and will extend that same peace to you. There aren't enough words to describe His immense love for you. Don't give up. We pray for you.

xounstaer · Jan 23, 2013

btw i wish i was dead basicly every day at least once, lately really. i am aware it is a wrong pathology though and know death is a wrong fairytail. but still i felt like dying so much and i felt dead too, glad to still be alive though..

xounstaer · Jan 23, 2013

Spunkn · Jan 23, 2013

Something else a counselor (a real genuine Christian counselor) told me which really helped.

It is not your fault. I think are you very much in fact like me. There was a time in your life where you just started to feel depressed for no reason. Things started to make no sense. What seemed fun and exciting to everyone else was a nightmare and painful for you. While everyone else enjoyed going out and having fun, you wanted nothing more than to be alone because it was so stressful. At a young age it is very confusing and no one was there to tell us how to deal with it. Other people look at your life and think you are just making mistakes and screwing up but in some ways it was impossible for us to do anything but just that. Because we were not properly taught how to deal with it. You were not given the tools much like me, of how to sort through your depression and understand it. So because there is no explanation for it, you decide (much like me) that it is somehow your fault. You caused this to happen, and that can often be the farthest thing from the real truth.

I think you probably have some of what I do. A chemical imbalance in the brain which allows us to get depressed easier. It is nothing we've done. It is nothing we've chosen. It is simply something we have to live with much like other diseases. Meds can often help, although they are not the end all solution and they work differently on different people. Some choices we have may definately effect our depression, but you did not ask for this. You did not make a choice one day and suddenly years of depression are the result. It's not your fault. But it is something we must live with. It's never easy. We think "if we could just get it right like other people", but depression is crippling. You can't face it alone. Believe me I've tried all my life to do it a lone. You will need God and other Christians to come alongside you and face this pain together. "Trying harder" will never work. It just doesn't.

I pray that you would find the support and love that you need to find healing and hope for this.

Criada · Jan 23, 2013

There's not much I can add to the advice here, but I'm praying for you, sister.
God loves you, you are very, very precious to Him, and He can turn your life around

eagledreams · Jan 23, 2013

Spunkn said:
I feel much the same way as you do. You seem to look at most other people around us our age and they are married, control of their own business, seem to be doing well. I've never been on a date as of yet. I live with my parents currently, no job. So I can definately relate to the feeling immature and like you aren't accomplishing anything.

When we get so depressed that everything is dark and bleak, it seems as if nothing will ever change. We will always fail. I went to counselors and they would tell me "get a job" or "choose to be happy". Choose to be happy? Really? That's what you're going to tell me? I got really mad after someone telling me that multiple times. Telling a depressed person to choose to be happy is just about the worst thing you can do.

This is exactly how I feel

eagledreams · Jan 23, 2013

Carmella Prochaska said:
Don't let people define you. We've all done awful things in life & we just need to repent & move on.

You have to know who you are first & learn to define yourself not by other people's standards. When you learn to do that, then you will belong somewhere. I never made friends easy nor did I go looking for friends. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who isn't individual or original. Learn to not follow a crowd.

But they have defined me. I am now defined in google by them. I don't know who I am anymore. Depression is who I am.

mandyangel · Jan 23, 2013

eagledreams said:
I don't even know where to start.

I will be turning 30 this year and have completely wasted my youth to depression but it also feels like I am still mentally 16 because I have no life and am so desperately immature and do't have any of the things most 30 year olds have. I just want to give up. I have no real friends, have never had any real relationships, no real friends and there is just no hope whatsoever for my future at the moment. It's weird. I am almost 30 but in many ways it is like I am a 16 year old in the body of a nearly 30 year old because I am so pathetically immature, living at home, never had a boyfriend, living in the way a teenager would. I am so pathetically immature.

I have been depressed for at least 15 years now. I don't think I remember a time in my life where there wasn't sadness in my mind. I've never been good enough for anyone. I was never popular at school. I had a horrible awkward phase for a couple of years that meant I was bullied relentlessly. Sometimes I responded to this pain by being a bully back which makes me a terrible person. I have said and done things that would make people stop being my friend if they knew it.

I have never belonged anywhere but I am desperate to belong. I don't make friends easy. I feel inferior. So me, stupid stupid men, makes the mistake of lying to impress people, to sound interesting, so I'm not boring. I didn't have friends in real life, so I spent my life on the internet for hours a day, lying to strangers to try and make friends and of course it all came back to bite me because no one likes liars and liars are bad people and people made a fake website I can't remove calling me a liar and it has my full name attached and since I have one of those long huge Greek surnames it shows up when you google me so everyone will be about to look up my past so even if things change it will be too late for me. I'm scared they'll just keep making my life miserable too even though I deleted all my social media accounts I don't even have facebook to stay in touch with my family in Greece (I'm in Australia). I screwed up but I feel like everyone is taking it too far to make me pay now.

I do want to change. I don't want to live lies anymore but once that's your reputation that's your reputation and no one forgives you and everyone thinks you're horrible even if you didn't have bad intentions and it means no one will ever want to be your friend anymore. I'm not even making sense but I'm crying as I write this I'm losing sense. But. How can I make friends or have relationships with I used to be a liar? No one will ever trust me there will always be doubt of me. I might as well disappear so much.

And the world hates me if people want me to be so unhappy they'll make sure I can never move on by making websites and stuff.

I don't feel like god loves me anymore I'd even call myself agnostic now because if god loves me, how could he make me depressed for all these years when other people get to be effortlessly happy.

I hate my job but there is no way I could do anything better because I failed out of university and didn't finish and can't afford to go back now because I have so many bills I need to pay and can't afford to be a student so for the rest of my life I will be doing something that makes me unhappy because I made poor decisions about studying. I was too depressed to study it's why I failed.

I'm a horrible person. I've lied and said mean things and god doesn't love me and I have made a mess of my life with no hope of ever redeeming it. I really want to be happy but with everything I have one my life karma is ruined and I will never be able to do so. I want to have a family one day, but no one will deal with the girl with depression and regrets and has been a liar and has scar covered wrists and legs and I swear depression has ruined my life.

I want to be that really happy, really positive, really nice and likable person but to be that person is to be a fraud and to tell more lies and to be even more of a bad person. I can't forgive myself.

If I died, it would be better, maybe people would stop hating me. Well, I think that and then I remember they'd know what kind of person I am and everyone would be happy I am dead and it kills me to know the world would be a better place if I died and my parents would know the extent of how much of a screw up I am.

My brain is broken.

I care too much about what people think about me and things that don't matter.

I only see the negative.

I assume everyone hates me.

I have no worth.

I am nothing.

I feel like the only way I can be happy and have a nice life now is if history can be rewritten and history can't be rewritten. I have ruined my life beyond repair and it devastates me because it is all my fault, all thanks to depression, me not handling it well, I don't know how to fix it.

So now I just wish I was dead. I wish there was another way. Like getting a new shot at life.

How did I end up this way

God Bless you. I have to say that.

But for me, know there is somebody reading your post that does not judge you.

One thing is for sure, you cannot change the past, you can only change the future.

The past may have been HORRIBLE but what gives the past the right to destroy the present?

It doesn't matter if it takes you 20 minutes to realize this or 20 years from now, it will be the only truth that exists.

I think that you may feel how you feel because obviously you have been hurt by a lot of people who were charged by God with the responsibility to protect you. They failed. Not you. But even though they failed, it doesn't matter because you are still a victim of that failure.

I don't know if you have the power to overcome and beat all the odds considering what they have done.

All I know is that you are special and I think somewhere deep in your mind or soul, you know that.

I love you and you are in my thoughts and prayers tonite.

Love, Mandy

I wish I was dead.

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