I was hoping maybe I could get some insight in here, re: a break up

[Gnarwhal]

Sorry for the wall of text, there's a TL;DR at the bottom.

Um, we met back in June and instantly hit it off. A married couple we're mutually friends with set us up, and they nailed it. I mean the connection was off the charts, and even though it was a long distance relationship (about a 7-hour drive) we both seemed to have a strong idea that this was going to go the distance. We were just fine taking our time getting there.

We took turns visiting, so we saw each other roughly every four weeks, would talk 1-2 times a week on the phone and text constantly.

Her job is incredibly busy from around mid/late August until late October/early November.

Near the end of last month we were making plans to see each other, it was looking like she would come visit me but I thought I'd offer to go see her instead to take some of the pressure off, figuring that her making the long trip here would be more stressful since she's busier right now than I am. That way we could visit without her having to take time off during such a busy season.

I made the trip down, but this last visit was off. She was distant, but at the same time still affectionate. Holding my hand, rubbing my arm or my back, etc. Conversation was just a struggle. Being an INFJ I have a tendency to reflect people's moods and so I was pretty quiet myself and found it really odd that I couldn't figure out what to say a lot of the time.

Overall though, I didn't think the visit was bad. We did some fun stuff like go to a low key fundraiser with some live music, the beach, and we went to Mass at her alma mater. We continued to discuss plans we had been working on for a while to meet each other’s parents over the holidays. When I was heading home I got a notification that she tagged me in a photo on Instagram with the caption "This one's a keeper." That made me feel really good... until about an hour later when she took it down.

I didn't hear from her until the next morning, and we had a 45-minute long text conversation where she revealed she "had some thinking to do", apparently she had been "freaking out" for a couple weeks. She thought my visit would calm her down, but it didn't. She's had "freak outs" before, and in the past she said it was essentially because this (our relationship) was "real" and it kind of scared her.

So I told her to take her time, talk to whoever she needed to talk to, and I would be ‘right here’ when she wants. The next day around midday I sent her a text just to tell her I hoped her day was going well, told her I was praying for her, and she asked if we could talk later that evening.

When we talked she told me that everything was really confusing her because of how she felt about me, yet she didn't want the relationship to go any further. Specifically she said "you're everything I've ever wanted", but then she said she was questioning whether she wanted those things at all anymore.

It was difficult. She said she was going to get counseling to work on this stuff because getting to that place in and of itself freaked her out. I told her I wanted to walk through that stuff with her and stay by her side, but she didn't want that, she felt she couldn't do counseling properly if she had me in her life to think about. So it ended.

We haven't had any communication since this happened, I have no plans to reach out to her, at least not for a while. I just figure if she wants to talk then she'll contact me, and I want to respect her space. Plus it’s just so hard to think about her possibly moving on.

What I want to ask you guys is, does anything about this situation sound like it may have been her anxiety and fear making these decisions and that it possibly wasn't something she actually wanted?

I know she's been under a lot of pressure not only because the job itself is at it's peak this time of year, but also because this is her first year doing this job with a new business, so there's a lot more stuff to iron out along the way - new boss, new coworkers, new systems, etc.

I don't want to diminish her decision, or imply that she doesn't have her own agency and can't make rational decisions on her own or anything like that, because she's one of the smartest and capable people I know.

I just can't seem to get past the fact that we both agreed our connection with each other was unlike anything we've experienced before, that we were (to sound cliché) perfect for each other, we saw eye-to-eye on everything—including and especially faith, we made each other laugh, had fun doing the same kinds of activities, had dreams and ambitions that fit well together, etc etc. I mean seriously, she was a unicorn to me.

When I sat down with a mutual friend (the husband of the couple who set us up) who’s known her for several years, he related the situation to when he had major anxiety and broke up with his (now) wife when they were in college. He said it seems like my ex allowed the anxiety to influence her decision. I had dinner with the same couple again last week, and the wife had finally spoken with my ex (who had been avoiding the discussion of our breakup). What she told me is that my ex is basically "numb" and "frozen". She's dealing with a lot of self loathing, and anxiety right now.

I've written her a letter that I'm going to wait and send to her next month, explaining how I want to wait for her indefinitely. I really believe our being set up was providence, and I can't dismiss that out of hand. I had originally professed my love for her in that letter, but on the advice of both the couple who set us up, and my sister, I rewrote it without that part because it might've been a bit too much for one letter.

It's just hard for me to wrap my head around how she can go from "this one's a keeper" to "I don't want this to go any further" over the course of 24-48 hours.

Does it sound like something she would bounce back from once the stress of her job dies down in 3-6 weeks? She's an ENFP if anyone's familiar with that personality type. If you were in her shoes, once it's over is the door closed for good or is it at all typical for an ENFP to try to patch things up and rekindle a relationship?

TL;DR - Girlfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago, everything was as great as could be, then it ended pretty abruptly. My gut says she made the decision because she's overwhelmed by fear and anxiety from her job and maybe the prospect of having her first real and good relationship, and that maybe she'll want to get back together after this stressful time of year dies down in a few weeks. Am I delusional?

Thanks for your help.

 

[Gnarwhal]

As someone who's been 100% "frozen" before, maybe I can off some insight--

When you're frozen and you've been frozen for a long time, the scariest thing in the world is warmth. Yes- you do want warmth-- more than anything, because being frozen is absolutely miserable, but it's the idea of being thawed is also completely terrifying. When you're frozen, you do hurt, but no as much as a thawed heart-- a heart that can celebrate, dance, and be happy. So dramatic happy emotions also lead to the chance of dramatic pain. And that's TERRIFYING.

Most people who are frozen... they didn't start out that way. They allowed their heart to freeze because something hurt them really really badly. In my personal case it was severe abuse when I was a kid, but for others have other trials. Frozen hearts bleed much slower than warm dancing ones. To thaw your heart-- that means you're going to feel again, and you're going to bleed all over again. You got to face the demons of the past and the possibilities of getting hurt again. And that's TERRIFYING.

From the sound of your post, this girl really likes you-- a LOT. Enough to cause her heart to thaw. And yes, that's TERRIFYING. What I would recommend to her is counseling to work through things, which it sounds like she's already on top of-- that's fantastic! Awesome job knowing herself, knowing that she needs help, and having the humility to seek it.

Awesome job to you for being such a great boyfriend/friend and supporting her so much. Everything you've done in the the post is fantastic! You... wow, why can't there be more guys like you?

Now what to do: she's working on her stuff, that's great. For now, I would mark you calendar for December 1st to contact her then and see how things are going. That gives her time for work to settle down and to start to work through some things (2 months isn't remotely enough to finish addressing major issues, but a good time to start). Give her the space to be the awesome kick-butt gal you know. She might reach out you in the meantime, but as a service to yourself don't wait by the phone every night. Still go live your life and have fun doing your stuff. When the phone rings, you'll hear it.

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this, this was very helpful and informative, and I appreciate you even offering some instructions. At this point I need that! Thank you!

I'll wait until December 1st, that makes a lot of sense. I agree, going through counseling isn't a quick process - I did it for eight months a few years back, so I definitely wouldn't want to rush or pressure her, because the results of taking your time with that are well worth it. December 1st it is!