I want to fight for my marriage...she doesn't.

[Keith Elliott]

I have been a stay-at-home dad for the most part of the last 8 years for our 3 adopted kids. My wife has been the one working hard for the paycheck to support our family. For many years now I have had, what I now realize as, an addiction to shopping. Buying tools, electronics, etc... I would convince her we need to get a new car and that it would last for years, and I’d turn around and do it again a year or two later. My addiction and my dishonesty about it, what I bought, how much something was, along with my lack of concern for our family budget, has led to my wife pulling away for many years now. She never talked to me about my problem only told me what I needed to change. I know that created some animosity fueling that addiction and dishonesty even more.

At the begging of the year, I contracted covid and began one of the hardest battles of my life. After 3 weeks in bed with full body aches, I finally started to recover; or so I thought. I was actually on the cusp of a month’s long battle with Long-Covid. I started to shut off and pull away from everyone. Soon after I fell into an extremely dark depression at which time my sole, my spirit, my heart, was cut off from my brain. I had no care for anyone or anything. I had no remorse for things I said or did. I wouldn’t listen to anyone. I wouldn’t accept help in any form. I presented cognitively as though I had a stroke. I couldn’t come up with simple words or phrases and no one could understand me when I did. I was a completely different person and I hate that person with all that I am.

I put my wife through hell on earth. I had to close down my small remodel business and because I couldn’t function logically, she took all the stress on herself. We had to refinance our home in order to pay off subcontractors and clients whom the work was only partially done. Once again, I put another financial burden on my family and added more stress and hurt onto my wife’s heart.

On October 3, she told me she wanted a divorce. She did not want to do counseling or work in any way to restore our marriage. I’m still in shock. I never believed in divorce. I don’t believe divorce is a definitive solution, especially if you haven’t turned to God.

She told me that I wasn’t 100% to blame for her decision and that she had fault as well in this matter. Hard to accept when you hurt your wife in such a deep way. I’m not angry, I have no animosity towards my wife about her decision. But I am broken. I asked her the other day why she didn’t ask me to get help a long time ago. I explained that she always told me what she wanted me to do, but she never asked me to get help. Her response was that it wasn’t her responsibility. That was hard to swallow. I know if I had an addiction to drugs or alcohol she would have asked and helped me to get help. But she instead chose to tell me what to change and continued to build up more and more animosity towards me. With all that and what she went through this year when I was sick, she told me she couldn’t fight anymore. I never knew she was. I know I wasn’t fighting, but I also didn’t harbor the anger and hurt that she did either. I wish so much that she told me of her fight, so could have fought beside her. But I was blinded to the reality unfolding in front of me.

Earlier in the summer I had decided that once our youngest started kindergarten in the fall, I would go back to school to pursue an RN. With the support of my wife, not financially, I enrolled full time at the local college. Wanting to also contribute to our family, I registered to become a CNA so that I could also work as many hours as I could while going to school.

I will not stop fighting for my marriage. She has shut off to emotions or empathy towards me. But I don’t believe her love is truly gone. After talking through my desire to fight for my marriage with my counselor (Christian) last night, he understood and support my desire to fight for my marriage. Today I wrote it as a statement so that I can return to it as a reminder of why I’m fighting alone.

"When the degradation and exhaustion of one’s spirit overpowers their Love for another, that Love is not lost, but guarded deep within. So deep, it can no longer participate in the fight, yielding to the desire for restitution. It is then the responsibility of the other to continue the fight, by remembering and returning to the person who sparked that Love in the first place.”
​

If you're going to shame me or try to tell me something I already know I did, please keep scrolling.
I came on here today looking for inspiration, spiritual guidance, and prayer. I came to see if anyone has been able to, through hard and dedicated efforts, and after putting God front and center of their marriage, save their marriage when the other person had already checked out? Thank you all for the support and prayers. God bless.

 

[Sabertooth]

I am going through different marital problems, but I see a possible direction for yours.
READ 2 Samuel 12:1-23 (for context)...

"And [David] said,
'While the child was alive, I fasted and wept; for I said,

‘Who can tell whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’​

But now he is dead; why should I fast?

Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.' ”​

2 Samuel 12:22-23 NKJV​

I believe that you should get with some men in your church and pray about this until the divorce is finalized. And, then, accept the outcome as being from God.

 

[Carl Emerson]

Yes seek other men to pray with...

Trust God fully for the right outcome.

Hopefully find a Christian counsellor who is gifted to pinpoint source of the matters that have plagued your life and the wisdom and authority to assist you to deal with them.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I would seek help to fix/repair the things in your personality that have caused her damage ASAP. The only thing that may convince her there is hope for a joint future is to show that you are willing to face your giants and start to change.

Get to work to be the best man possible in Gods eyes - regardless whether that may be for a future with her or otherwise.

 

[Keith Elliott]

I have done just that and I was making strides for self-betterment before. I have been reborn in my faith through this and God has made some radical changes in my heart. I've laid this all at his feet and have put him back in the drivers seat of my life and my marriage. All those "things" I bought thinking they would make me somehow happier, somehow fill this void I had. I've decided to sell all the wants in my life and put every penny I get back into my family. God's opened my eyes to his design for our lives and I see now that the only thing you need to be happy is God in your life and that family hold the most value in your heart. All worldly thing don't matter, they don't go with you when you die. In the end all those things burn. I will live my life for God, showing it in everything I do, and being a Godly example for my family every day.

 

[Enilorac]

Don't expect a few months of "right" behavior to change your wife. You admitted to a long term "shopping addiction", that is, harming your family financially to have your wants met. She had enough and I would be right with her. She shouldn't have to tell you to get help or whatever, you KNEW you were being selfish and kept doing it anyway.

I've read the same story over and over here. The man (usually) thinks that a few months of "right" behavior will get her to see you've "changed". It doesn't work that way. You hurt her deeply and completely and you probably won't ever be able to undo that. Just be the best dad to your kids you can.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

Don't expect a few months of "right" behavior to change your wife. You admitted to a long term "shopping addiction", that is, harming your family financially to have your wants met. She had enough and I would be right with her. She shouldn't have to tell you to get help or whatever, you KNEW you were being selfish and kept doing it anyway.

I've read the same story over and over here. The man (usually) thinks that a few months of "right" behavior will get her to see you've "changed". It doesn't work that way. You hurt her deeply and completely and you probably won't ever be able to undo that. Just be the best dad to your kids you can.

You may be right; but don't discount the miracles God can still do to take the hurt and pain away. Indeed forgiveness does not have to equal restoration, but restoration is worth a lot.

 

[Keith Elliott]

You may be right; but don't discount the miracles God can still do to take the hurt and pain away. Indeed forgiveness does not have to equal restoration, but restoration is worth a lot.

Aman.

 

[turkle]

I was on the other side of the coin. My husband exhibited behavior that was intolerable to me. Unlike your wife, I was very clear about it. I told him that if he wanted the marriage to survive, he needed to do two things, one of which was to get help. He ignored me. This dialogue went on for 7 years. I was finally done, and told him it was over. He was shocked, though I had told him this was coming, and reminded him of the requirements. He felt blind sided, which was bizarre to me.

I wonder if your wife really didn't communicate with you about your behavior, or if you also ignored her. You knew your behavior was damaging your relationship, but like my ex-husband, you continued. Now you want to fight for your marriage, which is good. My ex begged and pleaded with me, but I told him that waiting 7 years for the needed change was enough. It was obvious that he was unwilling to do anything until I was completely checked out.

Your wife might feel the same as I did and she's had enough. Still, I would encourage couples' counseling immediately. Maybe your wife has difficulty communicating her needs. Or, she might believe that your behavior is solely your responsibility - which it is - and saw no need to tell you. Getting everything out in the open with a trained counselor is most likely the best way to address the issue.

 

[Enilorac]

You may be right; but don't discount the miracles God can still do to take the hurt and pain away. Indeed forgiveness does not have to equal restoration, but restoration is worth a lot.

Good luck with that. It takes at least the amount of time the behavior was present to show the behavior is no longer present. His selfish behavior went on for at least 8 years. It would take that long to show changed behavior to show there's been a prolonged change. He had 8 years to realize his behavior and change it. He didn't. Now, all of a sudden he realizes it? Not buying it. He knew and willfully continued the behavior. Typical refrain of a man who gets hit with the consequences of his own actions. Take responsibility, let her go in peace and be a father to the children. Learn a lesson.