I think my heart is hardening

[Lady Bug]

It may be easy to judge me for these comments, I don't know. Unfortunately my heart might be hardening on my dad's situation. This is not an easy situation to analyze because my brother is having a harder time with this than I am.

I don't want my dad in a place where he doesn't want to be, but I'm realizing that I can't stand living with him. The past several days I've been realizing that I'm no longer biching and I feel a greater sense of peace (although there still isn't total peace when I worry about how he's doing or if that particular creepy "family friend" is lurking around the corner, or my dad's other relatives) and if it were not for him being in the nursing home (frankly, the place is pretty clean and good-looking, it's not the least bit dumpy), I would resign myself to not living with my dad anymore. I was crying during the first week he was gone but now I dread the thought of living with him again. And yet I have no choice. My brother says "he's only going to be there a few months because who wants to stay there" (and I'm like, You don't have to do sh#t, who are YOU to tell me) and he thanks me for "saving my mom's life by keeping her home" (to be honest, I don't resent taking care of my mom, but there's something about this situation that is making me resentful. First of all, since he's a man, I can't do the stuff for him that I did for my mom and second - that means that I have to "isolate myself" for the rest of his life - if he came home - and take care of him and always worry about the people I bring home to take care of him - if they're shady, if they're rapists, if they're thieves, etc.)

I wish to God I could say that I felt the same way taking care of my dad that I did about mom but I just don't. I'm slowly getting angrier about this. I hate seeing my dad be at a place he doesn't care for (his face is actually looking healthier though - heck, healthier than it did at home), but I tell myself to buckle up because the peace I'm feeling isn't going to last long and that I'll be back to the incessant daily yelling in a couple of months. My voice box feels spared of the yelling.

I'm so cautious as to not let my anger get the better of me because I can imagine myself being in one of these places someday because I do not have any (reliable) family and never will.

Anyone who knows my family drama will understand - those who don't, might find my sentiments off-putting.

 

[Michie]

It may be easy to judge me for these comments, I don't know. Unfortunately my heart might be hardening on my dad's situation. This is not an easy situation to analyze because my brother is having a harder time with this than I am.

I don't want my dad in a place where he doesn't want to be, but I'm realizing that I can't stand living with him. The past several days I've been realizing that I'm no longer biching and I feel a greater sense of peace (although there still isn't total peace when I worry about how he's doing or if that particular creepy "family friend" is lurking around the corner, or my dad's other relatives) and if it were not for him being in the nursing home (frankly, the place is pretty clean and good-looking, it's not the least bit dumpy), I would resign myself to not living with my dad anymore. I was crying during the first week he was gone but now I dread the thought of living with him again. And yet I have no choice. My brother says "he's only going to be there a few months because who wants to stay there" (and I'm like, You don't have to do sh#t, who are YOU to tell me) and he thanks me for "saving my mom's life by keeping her home" (to be honest, I don't resent taking care of my mom, but there's something about this situation that is making me resentful. First of all, since he's a man, I can't do the stuff for him that I did for my mom and second - that means that I have to "isolate myself" for the rest of his life - if he came home - and take care of him and always worry about the people I bring home to take care of him - if they're shady, if they're rapists, if they're thieves, etc.)

I wish to God I could say that I felt the same way taking care of my dad that I did about mom but I just don't. I'm slowly getting angrier about this. I hate seeing my dad be at a place he doesn't care for (his face is actually looking healthier though - heck, healthier than it did at home), but I tell myself to buckle up because the peace I'm feeling isn't going to last long and that I'll be back to the incessant daily yelling in a couple of months. My voice box feels spared of the yelling.

I'm so cautious as to not let my anger get the better of me because I can imagine myself being in one of these places someday because I do not have any (reliable) family and never will.

Anyone who knows my family drama will understand - those who don't, might find my sentiments off-putting.

If your heart was hardening Lady Bug, these things would not concern you at all. So I do not think there are any real worries there. As far as the anger and resentment… I hate to say it but that pretty much natural for lone caretakers. I’ve experienced it myself. No help, a lot of advice from those unwilling to lift a finger. Have you considered looking for a support group for caretakers? There is invaluable info there and understanding. You might look into it. Prayers for you and all concerned.

 

[Lady Bug]

Have you considered looking for a support group for caretakers?

Sorry, that didn't cross my mind. I wonder if it would have. I'm already feeling like my fellowship at church is being compromised (hard to explain why), and if that is happening, I'm worried about compromising it even further by joining a non-church group. Does it look like I'm not following your advice? I hope not. I didn't say I wouldn't do it though. I'm thinking out loud, however.

 

[Michie]

Sorry, that didn't cross my mind. I wonder if it would have. I'm already feeling like my fellowship at church is being compromised (hard to explain why), and if that is happening, I'm worried about compromising it even further by joining a non-church group. Does it look like I'm not following your advice? I hope not. I didn't say I wouldn't do it though. I'm thinking out loud, however.

Part of the problem Lady Bug is your fear of what others think. You need to do what is right for you. The Church has no issues with caretaker support groups, Al anon, grief support, etc. so there is no need to fear there. Any advice I give you is just advice. You are free to take it or leave it and I respect your choice in the matter. So no worries. Your first step is finding a workable solution for you. Once you find your place where you are finding yourself more secure and happy with yourself is when you will find these other problems much easier to deal with.

 

[Lady Bug]

He's already causing my faith life to be compromised. It's like he asks me at the times that I want to go to church, to come to him and I don't want to say why I can't come to him at those times. Even from a "distance" (he's not that far away, only 10 minutes or something like that), he is causing me problems. I'm sorry, I hope I don't sound cold but I'm not OK about this. I wanted to go to Confession too.

 

[Michie]

He's already causing my faith life to be compromised. It's like he asks me at the times that I want to go to church, to come to him and I don't want to say why I can't come to him at those times. Even from a "distance" (he's not that far away, only 10 minutes or something like that), he is causing me problems. I'm sorry, I hope I don't sound cold but I'm not OK about this. I wanted to go to Confession too.

Just tell him you are coming as soon as you can. Break him in slowly. Bring him something he is allowed to have when you do. A small treat of some sort.

 

[mourningdove~]

It may be easy to judge me for these comments, I don't know. Unfortunately my heart might be hardening on my dad's situation. This is not an easy situation to analyze because my brother is having a harder time with this than I am.

I don't want my dad in a place where he doesn't want to be, but I'm realizing that I can't stand living with him. The past several days I've been realizing that I'm no longer biching and I feel a greater sense of peace (although there still isn't total peace when I worry about how he's doing or if that particular creepy "family friend" is lurking around the corner, or my dad's other relatives) and if it were not for him being in the nursing home (frankly, the place is pretty clean and good-looking, it's not the least bit dumpy), I would resign myself to not living with my dad anymore. I was crying during the first week he was gone but now I dread the thought of living with him again. And yet I have no choice. My brother says "he's only going to be there a few months because who wants to stay there" (and I'm like, You don't have to do sh#t, who are YOU to tell me) and he thanks me for "saving my mom's life by keeping her home" (to be honest, I don't resent taking care of my mom, but there's something about this situation that is making me resentful. First of all, since he's a man, I can't do the stuff for him that I did for my mom and second - that means that I have to "isolate myself" for the rest of his life - if he came home - and take care of him and always worry about the people I bring home to take care of him - if they're shady, if they're rapists, if they're thieves, etc.)

I wish to God I could say that I felt the same way taking care of my dad that I did about mom but I just don't. I'm slowly getting angrier about this. I hate seeing my dad be at a place he doesn't care for (his face is actually looking healthier though - heck, healthier than it did at home), but I tell myself to buckle up because the peace I'm feeling isn't going to last long and that I'll be back to the incessant daily yelling in a couple of months. My voice box feels spared of the yelling.

I'm so cautious as to not let my anger get the better of me because I can imagine myself being in one of these places someday because I do not have any (reliable) family and never will.

Anyone who knows my family drama will understand - those who don't, might find my sentiments off-putting.

To feel anger or resentment at times about being a lone caregiver is very normal. We just don't like to talk about it, because it sounds and feels awful to admit that to ourselves, let alone others ... but it's normal. That's where a caregiver support group can be very helpful. ... a safe place to share the uncomfortable feelings, knowing that others will understand and won't 'judge'.

The nursing home may have some suggestions about a support group near to you. Your Dad no doubt has a social worker there; you could ask her. And there are also a multitude of caregiver support groups on Facebook. You could 'join' a group there, say little to nothing, but find support in just reading what others post and share. There are few experiences in life where we are totally unique. And nowadays, many are caregiving.

I see this time as a time for you to explore some things for yourself. "Do you own thing" for awhile! It can be a *special* time for you to get back in touch with yourself, and the things that are important to you. Were it me, I would try to make the most of it. Enjoy the freedom of not doing the 'hands on' caregiving. And, though time passes quickly, February is a long way off. Alot could change in your situation between now and then. That's just the way life goes!

God bless you!

 

[Lady Bug]

It can be a *special* time for you to get back in touch with yourself, and the things that are important to you. Were it me, I would try to make the most of it.

I want that to be the case but there are people who want to come over and I just don't want to see them. My brother is of no help, he's like "they're only going to be there a couple of hours." Frankly, since they know I'm by myself, I can't rule out that they're coming to stay longer. My brother gave a relative my number without telling me and now the relative keeps calling. I thought I blocked the number but my phone shows that the number tried to call me. I thought I could protect myself from seeing the number calling me.

Another creepy "family friend" won't stop calling. Another relative called the house, then called my brother's phone. He took it for me but I feel like I'm not off the hook for either one of them either. In the process I'll be considered rude. It's going to be worse trying to be "free" than if my dad were here, if this doesn't stop.

 

[mourningdove~]

I want that to be the case but there are people who want to come over and I just don't want to see them. My brother is of no help, he's like "they're only going to be there a couple of hours." Frankly, since they know I'm by myself, I can't rule out that they're coming to stay longer. My brother gave a relative my number without telling me and now the relative keeps calling. I thought I blocked the number but my phone shows that the number tried to call me. I thought I could protect myself from seeing the number calling me.

Another creepy "family friend" won't stop calling. Another relative called the house, then called my brother's phone. He took it for me but I feel like I'm not off the hook for either one of them either. In the process I'll be considered rude. It's going to be worse trying to be "free" than if my dad were here, if this doesn't stop.

I've never been good at setting boundaries with difficult persons, so I can understand your frustration with what's been happening. And it's true, that once you let a difficult person 'in' ... they may never leave! (Ugh.)

I'll be praying, for God to help you to deal with this.

 

[RileyG]

Continued prayers

 

[FaithT]

I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this.