I think I worry so much....

[bluegreysky]

I think I worry so much about failing him THAT I end up failing him.

Like because I kind of have generalized anxiety, I worry about letting him down or I freak out too much when I do THAT he gets annoyed with me
and feels like I'm being too negative.

I guess it's like when you make a mistake because you are so uptight and afriad you will make a mistake.
UGH.

I'm not just ranting to whine and complain, I actually would love any advice that anyone has. :/

 

[DZoolander]

Best advice - generally, intent matters most...

...generally, nobody expects perfection on things...

...and generally, very few things truly matter.

 

[akmom]

Are you a newly-wed? If so, then I assure you that you'll figure out what matters to him and what doesn't. You'll even figure out the hierarchy in terms of what makes him happiest.

For example, my husband loves coming home to the bed being made. For some reason, that makes him relaxed and puts him in a good mood. So if I want him to come home happy, I'm going to spend 3 minutes making the bed instead of hours vacuuming, shampooing the carpets, and mopping the floors. Because I know I'll get more return on my efforts.

I'm sure you'll also discover a handful of "perfect meals," that remind him what a great wife he has. You'll find his unique triggers that make him happy, and then you can quit fretting about all the minutiae that he will likely never notice. (For example, my husband probably wouldn't think twice if I ironed all his shirts. He's only going to complain if there's nothing to wear. But he doesn't care if they're ironed, or if there are ten shirts hanging in the closet versus three. So I don't stress about getting all his shirts ironed and hung. I just make sure there's *something* in there, and spare myself the hassle.)

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Oh, I know the feeling. I have what my psychologist calls "the big three" of mental health. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD. And I am SOOOO afraid of displeasing my husband sometimes. Especially if he's just been venting about the bills, I am very hesitant to ask him for the co-pay when I need to go to the doctor or have my medications refilled. (In addition to the psychological illnesses, I am also diabetic and have mobility limitations from an old accident.) When I voice that concern, he will answer, "Well, if you need it, you need it," but then the next day he's back to stressing over the budget, and I feel guilty asking him for anything. Furthermore, if I have to cancel something I was going to do, or if I have done the wrong thing, the most devastating words I will ever hear him say is, "I'm disappointed in you." I will do anything, no matter how much damage it causes me, if I think it will prevent him saying those words. (Emphasis on the "I think." Yes, I know it's an overreaction on my part.) My responses to this fear have caused more harm than good. For example I once went a month without taking my insulin because I didn't want to ask him for the money to refill my prescription. He ended up having to pay for the urgent care visit instead.

There does seem to be a valid concern that panicking too much may lead him to get tired of having to calm you down. So, the best advice I can give is to tell him what I told my husband. Calming me down is not his responsibility. I'm the one with the irrational fear. I'll have to deal with it. He shouldn't feel obligated to try to reason me out of my feelings using logic, because actually there is no "reason" or "logic" to my fears. I'm purely acting on emotion. And it's on me to change that.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Just don't let it become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can become so obsessed with no doing something that you'll end up doing it or going crazy thinking about it. Marriage is give and take: there are going to be times when you let each other down or miscommunication happens. Do the best you can and keep leaning on God to strengthen you both as a couple and as individuals.

Then again maybe I have no idea. I'm just happy as long as there's pudding in the fridge.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Very well said, Thunder.

 

[bluegreysky]

Well this is all good advice. I think I feel like I failed because
I got this book and it's a popular Christian book that talks about
how a well-fulfilled husband will do anything for you
and mostly it's referring to well-fulfilled in the areas of intimacy and
love language.
Well, yesterday he got irritated with me in the morning becuase I was kind of talking negative about stuff because I was stressed out.
Then later he told me he didn't want to go do this social event I wanted to do together.
And I have been making strides in "fulfilling" him but maybe I didn't try hard enough?

 

[DZoolander]

Well I think it's kind of unreasonable to think that "a well-fulfilled husband will do anything for you" - as if he's just kind of moldable play-dough in your hands amiable to everything as long as he's satisfied.

I mean - sometimes we're just not in the mood to do stuff. Like, my wife could keep me satisfied in every way possible, and I would still be like "meh..." if she wanted me to go to one of her friends' baby showers - requiring me to stand there eating appetizers with the few other equally unhappy husbands trapped into going. The fact I don't really wanna go is no testament to anything about her.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Sometimes (most of the time?) husbands and wives just don't have the same tastes, so it's OK that they do things separately. That's why many churches have men's prayer breakfasts, and women's retreats, and things like that. You do some things together, and some things apart. That social event was not up his alley, and it probably didn't have anything to do with not wanting to do something with you.

On baby showers, I was always under the impression they were a woman-only event? That's what the church ladies said when they gave me one, and then (good-naturedly) told him he was specifically not invited. I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted to go anyway.

The trouble with a "do this right, and he'll be sure and do that" message is that there is never a guarantee what other people are going to do. We only control what we do. How others respond is entirely up to them. I had similar thoughts when my first husband eventually left me for another woman. There were echoes in my head of, "What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I hold him?" I really beat myself up for it, because I saw it as my failure. Like that scene in the movie "Coal Miner's Daughter" where Mrs. Lynn catches her husband with another woman, and the other woman says, "If you were keeping your man satisfied at home, he wouldn't have to go looking someplace else." Oh, garbage. They had six children. He was getting what he needed from her.

In truth, it wasn't that I "couldn't hold" my first husband. Some people, no matter what their spouse does right, simply will not be held. They are just going to stray because they are strayers. (It can work either direction. Also, this is saying nothing about your husband. I don't know him. I'm only talking about my own experience. And the whole purpose is to say, don't blame yourself if he ever does wrong. You don't determine his actions, and he doesn't determine yours.)

 

[bluegreysky]

Oh. Well if I really want him to do something he doesn't want to do, what should I do?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

You can't MAKE him do it, but he might if you let him know how important it is to you, and why. Then take whatever decision he makes, and don't try to make him feel bad about it. That will make it more likely (but still not a guarantee) that he'll accommodate you next time.

 

[DZoolander]

Oh. Well if I really want him to do something he doesn't want to do, what should I do?

Well, I'd imagine the options would range anywhere from respect his wishes, to stand your ground, all depending on how important the thing is to you.

As for baby showers - it was always my impression they were women's only things, too...but for some reason I've been roped into a few over the past couple of years...lol It always ends up being something where most of the husbands got out of it (like I normally try to do) - but then there are 3-4 of us just standing around eating wings or something and complaining to each other about it.

 

[DZoolander]

Since I'm thinking about it (and it's kind of a de-rail - so my apologies for that)

I remember when I was about 29 or 30. A buddy of mine and his wife were about to have a baby and they invited a bunch of us old school friends to the baby shower.

Now - I've got rules on how I buy gifts... I won't buy the cheapest thing, and I won't buy the most expensive thing (because both ends of the cost spectrum carry baggage with them...) Beyond that - how much I spend on you is proportionate to how I feel about you. So - the more I like you - the more I'll spend on you.

Well, this guy was a really good friend of mine from growing up - so I liked him a lot and I was prepared to spend a fair amount. I decided I'd get the second most expensive thing on the registry.

When I got to the store (and of course I went en 'route to the baby shower) - turned out the only darn thing that was halfway costly was a breast pump with milk warmer. Everything else was just cheap...and I mean cheap. I wasn't prepared to buy 15 things to make up the difference, either.

So - I bought the stupid breast pump since it was the only thing that met my price criteria.

I still get grief from my friends occasionally, to this day, over that.

 

[seeingeyes]

Well this is all good advice. I think I feel like I failed because
I got this book and it's a popular Christian book that talks about
how a well-fulfilled husband will do anything for you
and mostly it's referring to well-fulfilled in the areas of intimacy and
love language.
Well, yesterday he got irritated with me in the morning becuase I was kind of talking negative about stuff because I was stressed out.
Then later he told me he didn't want to go do this social event I wanted to do together.
And I have been making strides in "fulfilling" him but maybe I didn't try hard enough?

Here's my advice: Take that book out to the driveway, splash a little gasoline on it, and light it up.

Sex is not a currency.

 

[seeingeyes]

Oh. Well if I really want him to do something he doesn't want to do, what should I do?

You say to him, "I really want you to do this thing that you don't want to do." And go forward from there.

 

[seeingeyes]

Since I'm thinking about it (and it's kind of a de-rail - so my apologies for that)

I remember when I was about 29 or 30. A buddy of mine and his wife were about to have a baby and they invited a bunch of us old school friends to the baby shower.

Now - I've got rules on how I buy gifts... I won't buy the cheapest thing, and I won't buy the most expensive thing (because both ends of the cost spectrum carry baggage with them...) Beyond that - how much I spend on you is proportionate to how I feel about you. So - the more I like you - the more I'll spend on you.

Well, this guy was a really good friend of mine from growing up - so I liked him a lot and I was prepared to spend a fair amount. I decided I'd get the second most expensive thing on the registry.

When I got to the store (and of course I went en 'route to the baby shower) - turned out the only darn thing that was halfway costly was a breast pump with milk warmer. Everything else was just cheap...and I mean cheap. I wasn't prepared to buy 15 things to make up the difference, either.

So - I bought the stupid breast pump since it was the only thing that met my price criteria.

I still get grief from my friends occasionally, to this day, over that.

Hehhehe...I'm quite vengefully happy that baby showers are a thing that men have to deal with now, too.

 

[bluegreysky]

Ok lol I'm not sure where everyone got the idea it was about a baby shower.
I went to a baby shower 1 week after our wedding and it WAS all girls and I did not ask him to come along.

The event in question is actually my HS reunion, 10 yr reunion next spring.
I know he struggles with group settings, especially strangers, so I gave him a head's up. We had our wedding in June and then a few weeks after we were all settled in I brought it up casually "you know, all my hard work to get a tan and do my hair and buy a nice dress I won't have to worry about it again until next April". And he was like "why is that?" "oh because that's my 10 year reunion. Now I'll have a cute husband to come along "
And he didn't object then.... but a week later he was like "Can I be honest? I thought about it, and I really don't want to go".
And it was after a day of kind of not agreeing on some things.
So I thought he was just sore about something else, but after we resolved that he still doesn't want to go.

So I asked my mom, who'd been heavily involved in helping me succeed throughout school, so I figured she'd want to see me go. "Am I a bad person if I don't go to my reunion?" And she said "I never went to any of mine. It will mostly be the kids who drink and party and didn't care about you in school there."
So I thought about it and realized most of my friends WERE either one year ahead, one year behind, or from another school entirely.

In this case, both my husband and my mom MAY be right. I don't NEED to go. But there are some things that he turns down that I think are important, like social functions involving our church, and I need help discerning when it's best to try and cajole him anyway.
"Come on sweetie, I know it's not your favorite thing ever but it's good for us. boosts morale. I'll treat ya to sushi after?"
and when it's best to be like "you know what? you're right. Let's do something you want to do instead".

 

[DZoolander]

Well, to be honest, your mom and husband might be right, but it all kinda boils down to what you want to do.

I was pretty similar, insofar as most of my friends were either a grade or two above me, or a grade or two below me. I had some friends in my grade - but I kept in touch with them anyhow over the years. So, anyone that I wanted to talk to I still talked to. Going to the reunion basically amounted to seeing people that I'd pretty much opted out of seeing any more - either by circumstance or by choice.

That being said - I still wanted to go just for curiosity's sake.

What I found at my 10 year reunion, and what I've heard from a lot of other people about that one, is that the dynamics of HS still are kinda carrying on and it's pretty much a competition. Everyone wants to know who's gotten married, who's the most successful so far, etc. That's what it was at mine - and that's what I've heard from the lions share of other people I know that went to theirs.

I didn't have a BAD time at mine - it was social enough and nice enough - but that's what it was. "Hey, I'm a software developer, I've bought a house in the burbs and I'm in the middle of a divorce" - was pretty much what my story was (and all people were pretty much interested in)...lol

Once again though, it was interesting, and I'm kinda glad I went...despite how useless it was.

I didn't go to my 20 year reunion - mostly because I've moved across the country in the 10 years since. Plus - they chose a venue where it was $125 per head. I simply didn't see justifying spending $250 for a chicken dinner for my wife and myself, paying the airfare to fly out there, hotel, rental car, etc...just to see a bunch of schmos that I hadn't kept in touch with (once again, due to circumstance or choice).

 

[seeingeyes]

In this case, both my husband and my mom MAY be right. I don't NEED to go. But there are some things that he turns down that I think are important, like social functions involving our church, and I need help discerning when it's best to try and cajole him anyway.
"Come on sweetie, I know it's not your favorite thing ever but it's good for us. boosts morale. I'll treat ya to sushi after?"
and when it's best to be like "you know what? you're right. Let's do something you want to do instead".

So how much do you want to go to your reunion? Do you actually want to see those people? Or did you just want to show off you brand new hubby?

I haven't gone to any of my reunions. I don't miss high school enough, I guess.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah, it really does boil down to how much you WANT to go...lol

Equally good arguments could be made about why it's cool to go, or useless to go. What matters is whether or not you want to, regardless.