Hi everyone.
I found this forum via Google. I am not a Christian, but I need help outside the realm of medication (I do not believe in mind-altering medication) and as a person who comes from a family of ministers and servants of the church, I'm aware that Christians are among the most helpful and compassionate when seeking advice.
I believe I'm severely obsessive compulsive, though I haven't delved enough into the actual medical facts to confirm this. I will give you some in-depth details so you can better understand why it's so debilitating for me. I'm sorry if it's tedious to slog through it but I think it's necessary and will also help to get it off my chest.
I think I have shown symptoms since I was a small child. Most of my life I made "lists". Just listing different things related to hobbies I was involved in such as videogames. If the list wasn't perfect I would toss it out and make another one. My parents were aware of this and I eventually got out of the habit during junior high school. Another early sign (and this mainly happened during junior high school) is that I would give up on something if it wasn't perfect. I believe I am a very intelligent person, however I'm a creative-type and math has never been my forte. If I didn't start the class off strong, I'd just give up.
I believe, whatever this disorder may be, it may have had adverse effects on me during high school also, however it's at an all-time peak right now. I dropped out of college to write a graphic novel. This was a decision I made on my own and I believe I made the right decision. It is my passion in life and I believe it will be affecting to others in the same way some of my favorite works have effected me. However, I haven't made a lot of progress on it over the last couple years, I believe due to OCD. Here are symptoms I'm currently altered by:
-I compulsively purchase things I do not need. Though I fully intend to enjoy a novel or a record, I have a huge back-log of "stuff". Even though I don't have time for it and have other stuff to entertain me, I cannot stop buying stuff to fill my shelves, and this is hurting me financially which in turn leads to depression (the cruel circle, which I'll talk about). I work two grueling part-time jobs and then come home and try to work on my own projects. I'm always exhausted yet all the money I earn is thrown away.
-I have put on a massive amount of weight. I am depressed because of the state of things so I'll eat and put on weight, which in turn adds to the depression.
-I isolate myself from people. This is also related to my physical issue. I am, unfortunately, a very vain person and I'll turn people away because I don't want them to see me in this state. The problem with that is that it's not easy to lose weight. I believe some very great friends have given up on me because I'm always making excuses instead of going out. This in turn leads me to feel very lonely (the cruel circle). I think this may be an excuse, though. I am not certain why I turn people away.
-Again, related to my weight, I cannot go on a diet successfully. Everything has to be perfect for my diet to start and if it's not, I'll have to start it over. And always and the beginning of a week. I do not know why I do this to myself.
-I obsess over "stuff" and can only have the best of everything, even if I can't afford it. I'll do without stuff I need until I can afford the nicest possible item. This is recently a huge problem in my music (I'm a musicians). Instead of just getting what I need, I'll hold off. This does not bode well for instant creativity.
-One of the main reasons that I'm still working on my graphic novel, three years later, is that I cannot finish one project. I start a million little things, some of which aren't plausible at all (a flash-site based book which includes an ambient soundtrack; I don't even know how to program flash). I cannot finish anything. Even things which are totally leisurely like reading a novel or watching a film.
-Everything has to be perfect. If I wake up and watch a show I don't like I'll say, "What a waste of time, this day has been ruined," then wasting my day. This is something I can't seem to control.
I'm sure there are other bullet points but that's off the top of my head. This has got to stop. I'm going to school in the fall (Harvard's Studio for Electro-Acoustic Composition; this ties into another point in that, I can only have or do the absolute best or it is worth nothing) and I'm afraid that I'm going to have troubles in school as my quirks are at an all-time high. I haven't met with the artist on my graphic novel in over a month because I always make excuses not to see him. I'm not sure why I do that either. I just do, and that's the problem. I love and need people and I think I've ruined friendships that I can't rekindle. On the outside I'm a very strong (sometimes obnoxious) person, and I cannot understand why this is happening. Do I actually have control over it? It doesn't feel like it. But if I do, then it definitely feels like I'm punishing myself, because it makes me unhappy.
I hope someone can help. This all came to a peak this morning. My town is having a huge, two-day festival that happens once a year. I used to go all the time and it's a really fun time, as the entire town is just one big, friendly party. However, I'm not going this year. None of my friends have contacted me and this upsets me, yet I know if they were to call I'd just make excuses as to why I can't participate. So I was just sitting in my room with headphones on, listening to music and looking out the window and I thought, "I need help."
And I do need help. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen. I need advice and words of comfort I guess. I don't have money for a therapist, I am a studied in theology and I am not looking for religion (here, or anywhere), though I appreciate its comforting nature. I absolutely do not want medicine. So, yeah, I guess that's where I'm at right now. I hope someone can help me and I'm sorry for the lengthy and helter-skelter nature of this post. I was very much a spur of the moment thing. I teared up, got up and looked for help and this is where I ended up. Thanks for reading.
I found this forum via Google. I am not a Christian, but I need help outside the realm of medication (I do not believe in mind-altering medication) and as a person who comes from a family of ministers and servants of the church, I'm aware that Christians are among the most helpful and compassionate when seeking advice.
I believe I'm severely obsessive compulsive, though I haven't delved enough into the actual medical facts to confirm this. I will give you some in-depth details so you can better understand why it's so debilitating for me. I'm sorry if it's tedious to slog through it but I think it's necessary and will also help to get it off my chest.
I think I have shown symptoms since I was a small child. Most of my life I made "lists". Just listing different things related to hobbies I was involved in such as videogames. If the list wasn't perfect I would toss it out and make another one. My parents were aware of this and I eventually got out of the habit during junior high school. Another early sign (and this mainly happened during junior high school) is that I would give up on something if it wasn't perfect. I believe I am a very intelligent person, however I'm a creative-type and math has never been my forte. If I didn't start the class off strong, I'd just give up.
I believe, whatever this disorder may be, it may have had adverse effects on me during high school also, however it's at an all-time peak right now. I dropped out of college to write a graphic novel. This was a decision I made on my own and I believe I made the right decision. It is my passion in life and I believe it will be affecting to others in the same way some of my favorite works have effected me. However, I haven't made a lot of progress on it over the last couple years, I believe due to OCD. Here are symptoms I'm currently altered by:
-I compulsively purchase things I do not need. Though I fully intend to enjoy a novel or a record, I have a huge back-log of "stuff". Even though I don't have time for it and have other stuff to entertain me, I cannot stop buying stuff to fill my shelves, and this is hurting me financially which in turn leads to depression (the cruel circle, which I'll talk about). I work two grueling part-time jobs and then come home and try to work on my own projects. I'm always exhausted yet all the money I earn is thrown away.
-I have put on a massive amount of weight. I am depressed because of the state of things so I'll eat and put on weight, which in turn adds to the depression.
-I isolate myself from people. This is also related to my physical issue. I am, unfortunately, a very vain person and I'll turn people away because I don't want them to see me in this state. The problem with that is that it's not easy to lose weight. I believe some very great friends have given up on me because I'm always making excuses instead of going out. This in turn leads me to feel very lonely (the cruel circle). I think this may be an excuse, though. I am not certain why I turn people away.
-Again, related to my weight, I cannot go on a diet successfully. Everything has to be perfect for my diet to start and if it's not, I'll have to start it over. And always and the beginning of a week. I do not know why I do this to myself.
-I obsess over "stuff" and can only have the best of everything, even if I can't afford it. I'll do without stuff I need until I can afford the nicest possible item. This is recently a huge problem in my music (I'm a musicians). Instead of just getting what I need, I'll hold off. This does not bode well for instant creativity.
-One of the main reasons that I'm still working on my graphic novel, three years later, is that I cannot finish one project. I start a million little things, some of which aren't plausible at all (a flash-site based book which includes an ambient soundtrack; I don't even know how to program flash). I cannot finish anything. Even things which are totally leisurely like reading a novel or watching a film.
-Everything has to be perfect. If I wake up and watch a show I don't like I'll say, "What a waste of time, this day has been ruined," then wasting my day. This is something I can't seem to control.
I'm sure there are other bullet points but that's off the top of my head. This has got to stop. I'm going to school in the fall (Harvard's Studio for Electro-Acoustic Composition; this ties into another point in that, I can only have or do the absolute best or it is worth nothing) and I'm afraid that I'm going to have troubles in school as my quirks are at an all-time high. I haven't met with the artist on my graphic novel in over a month because I always make excuses not to see him. I'm not sure why I do that either. I just do, and that's the problem. I love and need people and I think I've ruined friendships that I can't rekindle. On the outside I'm a very strong (sometimes obnoxious) person, and I cannot understand why this is happening. Do I actually have control over it? It doesn't feel like it. But if I do, then it definitely feels like I'm punishing myself, because it makes me unhappy.
I hope someone can help. This all came to a peak this morning. My town is having a huge, two-day festival that happens once a year. I used to go all the time and it's a really fun time, as the entire town is just one big, friendly party. However, I'm not going this year. None of my friends have contacted me and this upsets me, yet I know if they were to call I'd just make excuses as to why I can't participate. So I was just sitting in my room with headphones on, listening to music and looking out the window and I thought, "I need help."
And I do need help. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen. I need advice and words of comfort I guess. I don't have money for a therapist, I am a studied in theology and I am not looking for religion (here, or anywhere), though I appreciate its comforting nature. I absolutely do not want medicine. So, yeah, I guess that's where I'm at right now. I hope someone can help me and I'm sorry for the lengthy and helter-skelter nature of this post. I was very much a spur of the moment thing. I teared up, got up and looked for help and this is where I ended up. Thanks for reading.
The fact that you are here is no accident. Christ came to give comfort in His salvation. He died and rose again for you. Whether you believe this or not, it still happened...and I don't think it's an accident that you came here today, either.
