hmmm well, where to start. My BF is has been building his recovery for a very short time, only a couple of months. I sought out the advice of the church elders, our parents, and my friends on how much space we should take during this time to work on ourselves. Both the elders and our parents agree that we should stay together through this time, and that it would make a future marriage stronger to have such a great battle won during our courtship. We are happy, he is working the 12 steps as am I at nar-anon. my codependency is more real than I understood. my friends however are not happy at all. They want me to leave him and choose someone without an addiction. I have my sin too though... who am I to judge his? I want to stay. The pastors of both our churches support our decision because we both are actively seeking Christ. I just don't understand why the women of the congregation gab gab gab the way they do, and why they treat him like a leper when he seeks recovery actively. who are they to judge? How are they any better than us? aren't we all gods children? I understand not to marry the boy right now but geeze whqts wrong with being best friends with the idea of staying that way? do they really have no faith in recovery!? they even said on Sunday that i better stop talking to "that junkie" ugh I could understand if he was in active addiction but a lot of people relapse... I mean come on...
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I think I should listen to the elders... *vent*
- Thread starter rebecca1918
- Start date
chilehed
Veteran
Rebecca,
I'm sorry for the behavior of some of the folks in your congregation. Unfortunately, it's part of the human condition, and most of us behave horribly on occasion.
The thing is, there's something inerent to the dynamic of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that makes it difficult to see the signs that the other person might not be healthy for you, and as the relationship grows in intimacy it gets progressively harder.
Now add to that the fact that addiction and codependency sicken all of our relationships that might have started out healthy, and make it so that all of our new relationships start out sick. Recovery is all about learning to get out and stay out of sick relationships in favor of healthy ones, but if you're already in a relationship that's a lot more difficult, hence the suggestion to stay out of relationships for at least a year (you have heard that, right?).
So there's a lot of wisdom to the idea that it might be good for you to get some distance for a while. Many people find that recovery makes such great changes in us that the people they chose early on would not be the people they would have chosen if they'd waited until they got themselves sorted out. It's not a matter of judging someone's sins, it a matter of making wise choices about your recovery... and his.
I'm sorry for the behavior of some of the folks in your congregation. Unfortunately, it's part of the human condition, and most of us behave horribly on occasion.
The thing is, there's something inerent to the dynamic of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that makes it difficult to see the signs that the other person might not be healthy for you, and as the relationship grows in intimacy it gets progressively harder.
Now add to that the fact that addiction and codependency sicken all of our relationships that might have started out healthy, and make it so that all of our new relationships start out sick. Recovery is all about learning to get out and stay out of sick relationships in favor of healthy ones, but if you're already in a relationship that's a lot more difficult, hence the suggestion to stay out of relationships for at least a year (you have heard that, right?).
So there's a lot of wisdom to the idea that it might be good for you to get some distance for a while. Many people find that recovery makes such great changes in us that the people they chose early on would not be the people they would have chosen if they'd waited until they got themselves sorted out. It's not a matter of judging someone's sins, it a matter of making wise choices about your recovery... and his.
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