I shouldn't have waited

[Jenna]

I've been waiting for three months to have health insurance, and before that, I was waiting for the words. How do you take that step, looking a doctor in the face and saying...."help me before I hurt myself again". Even when I try to talk to my husband about how I feel, I choke on the words.

It is no new news that I live with chronic depression. No, I have never been to a doctor about it, but I know it is there. My grandma likes to write off my feelings as just an emotional response to whatever is going on, even when I try to explain that there is no reason for the way that I feel. It doesn't take much of anything to start the walls to crumbling.

The other night I sitting on the couch with Anna and my husband, watching "miracle pets". I watched as a young deer ran around through a person's back yard, and suddenly I was fighting tears so hard that I felt sick. I don't know what it was that triggered it, but I was suddenly reduced to nothing, trying desperately to keep myself together in front of my husband because he doesn't understand. Even when I have legitimate reasons for being upset, he doesn't get how I can cry over things that he blows off. Instead of being concerned, I get the "what's wrong with you" tossed at me, while he doesn't even bother to really look at me. I dread the day that I snap in front of him, knowing that I can't explain it, and that to some extent, he already thinks I am crazy.

Forgive me if I ramble, it is all I can do to keep my fingers on the keyboard. Yet again, I can't explain why I feel the way that I do, but something has set me off today and I have been hurting ever since I woke up. I blink away the tears and choke down the sobs until my chest physically hurts, as though someone were squeezing the air out of my lungs and crushing my heart. The painful ache of my pulse beating through the blood vessels in my neck gives me a headache, and all I want to do is go to my room and lay down, but I don't trust myself in the dark.

I don't know where it all began, but sometime when I was in highschool I began cutting myself. When I would feel so horrible, I would sit down with whatever was handy...a knife, a razor knife, even a hat pin, and I would scrape and cut at my skin until everything seemed to go numb. Sometimes I would be so distraught that I would trace over my tears with the razor, and I wondered how it worked out that no one ever said anything to me about it. Of course, I didn't want them to, that would force me to acknowledge what was going on, but it was still strange that no one noticed.

My hands are trembling with the urge, so I'm just sitting here at the keyboard, keeping my fingers busy and talking to .....well, nobody, I guess. No one can read this right now, but I know that there are people out there somewhere.


Sometimes I think that all I really need to do is let it all out and cry, but even when I sob my heart out to God, it brings me no sense of peace. I know that He knows what I am feeling and going through, and I can't even bear to speak the words to him, to tenative is my thread of control that holds me together. I wonder at times why He allowed for me to develop like this, as it is hereditary and is passed down to me from my mother. I don't blame him, but I think that it stops me from being able to ask Him to take it from me. After all, I don't know who I am without this cloud. From the time I hit puberty, I have felt this roiling of emotions every day, and even at that age I would curl up with my head in my mother's lap and cry until I was sick. Now it just seems as though I am the mom, with no one left to stroke my hair and to just *know*, without trying to write it off as nothing.

I've never really wanted to die, that isn't why I've ever hurt myself, but in some small place inside, that is my greatest fear. I'm afraid that some day I might get to the point when nothing is as important as this paralyzing pain. I know that God demands to always be first in every part of our lives, yet I struggle to find him through this suffocating weight. I know that God loves me, I don't doubt that, yet every word seems empty as though the sun has stopped shining when I can't find *me*.

It wasn't too long ago that my sister decided to swallow a bottle of pills. It was an awful day, watching her green with sickness from having her stomach pumped, not daring to look anyone in the face. I drove out to visit her and eventually to bring her home, watching how she reacted to everything that happened. I watched her, afraid of the people she was locked away in the mental ward with. I also watched as she struggled to put together two words, because they had her so doped up that she couldn't function. Maybe it is my lack of trust, but I am afraid of becoming zombified more than I am of the depression. You know, I have never even met my doctor? I need to make an appointment to speak with a complete stranger about things that I can't even give voice to with my husband. I just can't pick up the phone.

I've heard how people talk about others who are on medications. I've heard plenty of people make smart comments behind someone's back that because they were irritated or a little snappy that they must be off their meds. I don't know how I could ever live with my husband if he ever talk about me like that, and as sad as it is, I don't doubt that he would.

Well, I've struggled, and I can breathe again. I don't feel great, but I can take a breath, so for that I say thank you to everyone who has read this and is that "someone" out there. So, for now I am going to soak in a hot bubble bath, with the lights off, and pray for peace-and the hope for sleep this evening.

 

 

 

[Blessed-one]

*hugs*

you're not alone, Jenna. We're with you and God is constantly by your side, in your heart.
Fight it sister, fight it whenever you feel depressed. Trust in the power of the Lord. *praying for you and your family*

 

[Gabriel]

Sometimes a good cry is in order.  You spend so much energy trying to please others and not look "crazy" to them that you are denying yourself some basic rights.  Talk to your pastor.  He may know a counselor that will see you pro bono (free).  Or he may lead you to a support group.  If he can't find one on your own.  You need to talk to someone that will be willing to help.  Keeping it all inside is obviously not working.  And, as a mother, your health and well-being has a direct effect on your child.

Try to remember when you first started feeling this way.. Was there a tramatic event around that period?  Did you lose someone or something dear to you at that time?  Do you feel that you have done something wrong and you have been unable to forgive yourself for it?

We will pray for you.  Pray for yourself and keep writing.  Try writing poetry or music.

God bless. 

 

[endure]

"woman, thou art loosed"

it is not gods will for you to live that way, and you do not have to live that way any longer.
if you will beleive the word of the lord, and step out on faith.
he will keep his word, and do a mighty work in your life.

he healed the woman with the issue of blood.
he changed the prostitutes life.
he healed the womans child that was demon possessed.
he raised up the young dead girl.
he healed samsons mother's barren womb.
he healed abrahams wife's old womb.

he said unto the barren woman.
"SING, O BARREN WOMAN! thou that didsnt not bear, break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didsnt not travail with child, for more are the children of the desolate, than the children of the married wife, saith the lord." (isa 54.1)

maybe your not barren, but cry out to God about your problem, he has no diffrent will for you than he did for them, he will surely heal you if he can! and that only depends on you getting in the right place to receive.
you must have faith in order to receive from God, and one way to excercise faith or to put it into motion so it can effect you, is to praise god! the barren woman, even in the midst of her barreness, was told to stand and sing unto god, praising him for what he had promised to do for her, this is puttingf faith in motion.

he is saying the same to you as he said to other women who are no better than you...

he sees the hurting, broken, deppressed, poor, fragile, fallen, woman. with tears flowing down her tattered, broken, sorrowful dirty face, and from a heart of dear and unending love, filled with compassion and mercy, says in words as sweet as the fragrance of the morning,  "woman, why are you weeping? (john 20.13)
she looks up at him through the face that is weary from crying and cannot cry another tear and says through quivering lips "...my son has been taken away..... my womb is empty.... i am swallowed and beaten by depression, and my husband doesnt love me, my husband doesnt understand me...."
and he says unto this woman whom he dearly loves and who he came to save, he whispers into her ear, the ear has never heard hope, that has never heard love, that does not know what it is to hear kind hopeful words and says "woman, beleive me...." (john 4.21) again he says "do you beleive in me?"
and seeing the light of hope begin to sparkle in her eyes, that are not really knowing for sure, but are willing to trust this man that loves her so much, that was willing to get down on her level, and he says some words that seem to speak unto the depth of her being, speaks unto her hands clawing at the dust, her face covered with the tears, the rose in her heart that has lost all its petals, speaks to her femininity and her woman hood and says "woman, great is thy faith...." (mat 15.28) then reaches out and touches her....
and says something she did not know....
 "WOMAN, THOU ART LOOSED FROM THYNE INFIRMITY!"
(luke 13.12)

im just trying to build your faith.
do you really understand it is not and has never been the will of God for you to be that way?
he doesnt desire to see you hurting.
and that in jesus you can be healed of this?
if you will only beleive, go to a doctor if you will, but your real doctor is God, and dont worry about your husband, your first and real husband is the lord, and he always understands you, every part of you.
maybe it doesnt seem like it, maybe you cant see it, maybe you dont see any reason to beleive... but if you will pray and have faith, he will stretch forth his strong and soft hand, and touch your body and heal you.
jesus said the wheat grows even when we cant see it, but we return and it has grown, then it is reaped. never lose faith in god, no matter what seems to be happening, sometimes the work god is doing inside you is not quick enough to happen before your very eyes, but if you will hold on to faith, and walk in the law of the lord, you will return to find yourself healed, and your rose of womanhood has regrown all its petals and is more beautiful than ever before.

 

[wblastyn]

I hope these help:

http://www.gospelcom.net/cdp/

http://www.pennhealth.com/health/hi_files/topics/depression/what_is_depress.html

 

[ZiSunka]

Sweetie, I'd really like to you go to a good doctor. I used to be just as depressed, and now I'm not. I don't take anti-depressents, I had an organic illness that affected my brain. But I would take them if I had to. I never knew why people wanted to live--I was so ready to die to get away from the depression--but now I know why. Life is good, depression is evil.

 

[carmen]

Praying for you Jenna

 

[Jpnseawa]

Jenna, hopefully your insurance has kicked in now. I agree with lambslove, you need to get to a doctor as soon as possible. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is a rather common problem. I will pray for strength for you to tell your doctor all that he/she needs to know to help you get better! God bless you!

 

[Gabriel]

Originally posted by Jpnseawa
Jenna, hopefully your insurance has kicked in now. I agree with lambslove, you need to get to a doctor as soon as possible. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is a rather common problem. I will pray for strength for you to tell your doctor all that he/she needs to know to help you get better! God bless you!

Furthermore, if you have your condition documented by a doctor, perhaps (we pray) that your husband will be more understanding.

Might be a good way to get him involved in joint counseling.  You know, for YOUR benefit, not his .

 

[daughter of the king]

oh bub please don't hurt yourself.
i know crying doesn't help, people say thaat a good cry makes you feel better but it makes me worse. keep us posted about how you feel. i really don't know what to except we all love you and please don't hurt your self. always remember that with gods help anything is posbable. there is hope. remember that you are a daughter of the king a, princess. love you bub hang in there.
i will pray.

 

[isshinwhat]

I love you, Jenna. Your story has effected many people deeply. You are in my prayers.

God Bless,

Neal

 

[Jenna]

Thank you all, both for your words of help and kindness, but most of all, just for being there. After being able to 'unload' a bit last night, I was feeling quite a bit better. I wasn't really 'right', but at least I was calm. Today when I woke up, I was feeling quite a bit better. I still have this strange sense of dread, kind of like a storm cloud lurking in the distance, but I have been doing pretty good today.

Thankfully, my insurance card finally came in the mail, and now I have to hunt for a doctor that is in my plan. I know that I need to make the call, but it is so hard to push those buttons, you know? I am so tired of feeling sad and cranky though. I know that it affects my family on a daily basis. I snap too much at my daughter, and I hate it. I get so tense and frustrated with my husband that sometimes I don't even want to look at him, and I know that is far from healthy. There are days when all I want to do is pull the covers up over my head and just not wake up. I think what I might just do is write down how I am feeling and print it out, so I can make my feelings known even when the words won't come out.

I have never doubted God's love for me, but I do know that for as long as we live in the world, we will have troubles. So many times, I have had awful things happen in my life that I learned from and in turn used to help others through their pain....or even to help avoid it. So, it isn't that have a lack of faith in God to heal me, but maybe that I have a lack of faith that what I am asking is in accordance with His will. It may sound silly, but I don't ask for God to heal me, but I do ask that if it is His will to make me better, that He do so. I have prayed this many times, and I still struggle with this pain. I guess that after so long, I have just come to think of it as a burden that I have to bear. I know that medication won't "cure" me, and that even on meds I will still have bad days, but I yearn for a sense of relief. There was never a particularly traumatic experience that triggered my depression, but I do know that I started feeling exceptionally bad when I reached puberty. The only thing that I can figure is that my hormonal changes started a chain reaction that I haven't been able to escape as of yet.

I thank all of you for your concern. Sometimes that is all that it takes to bring a smile to my face, even if I'm crying at the same time. It gets so lonely sometimes, with no one to talk to.

It may not sound like it, but I really don't want to hurt myself. I don't do serious damage, but I think that it hurts me more mentally than it does physically. It becomes such a battle of wills that when I stumble, I feel as though I have failed miserably. There becomes a point where it feels as though there is something tearing me apart from the inside, and if I could just let it out, I could feel better. When I cry though, all it does is amplify the despair, making me feel as though I am loosing my grip on my control. Writing has helped a great deal though in my quest for some type of normalcy. Even when I can't speak to people, the words have no problems slipping from my fingertips, purging myself to some extent. I've even found that sometimes it helps me if I keep a type of "God Journal", where I type out my thoughts as I speak to my heavenly Father.

Again, thank you all for listening. That has been the greatest gift.....


With all my love,
Jenna

 

[fieldmouse3]

I know it might seem weird to think of going to a doctor and telling him everything when you can't talk to your husband about it, but sometimes it's actually easier to talk to a stranger. It is for me....I would rather spill my guts to an objective person (one I can trust, like a counselor or doctor) than bring my family into things.
What's really important, though, is that you DON'T keep it inside. Cry if you have to! Throw things, curl up on your bed and pray....whatever it takes. Oh, and come talk to us, too.

 

[E-beth]

Oh Jenna, hang in there!

When you feel the urge to cry, don't hold it back for anyone!!! If your hubby asks what you are crying for, just say "just had a sad thought" or something and cry away. It doesn't mean loss of control, it means release! God created tears for, among other things, a sweet release of emotion. If you don't vent that pent-up energy and raw emotion, you will have to vent it in other unhealthy ways.

If your husband doesn't support you or makes fun of you, it might be because he is afraid for you and doesn't know how to help you and feels powerless and substandard himself. Don't do things to make him feel better..do things to make YOU feel better and when you feel good so will he.

Depression is an illness just like any other. When you get a cold, you can't hold back a sneeze or you won't get better. And when you have a bladder infection, you take meds to make you better. Who cares if someone knows you are on anti-depressants. It isn't any of their concern.

You are a beautiful person and you have an awesome testimony. Find a good doctor, and quick. See if your town has a Christian blue book, like a phone book but lists Christian service providers, and cross reference that with your insurance. And take care of you!!!!

 

[elentári]

Sorry to come in on this discussion a little late ....!

I am so glad that the first obstacle is over, and your insurance has come through!
The next thing is to actually make the call. And boy do I know how hard that is.

I have been where you are - and I know how scary it can be. But I cant advise you enough to make the call anyway!!

What you are describing definately sounds like a clinical depression to me - so therefore, meds will actually help you a lot!

Depression is one of those two fold things. A medical condition can occur, whereby there is a chemical imbalance in your brain - causing depression and mood swings. It can also of course be circumstance related.

The meds can clear up the chemical imbalance, which then allow you the coping mechanisms to deal with the circumstances in your life!


I was on antidepressants for some time a couple of years ago. They helped me pick myself back up onto my feet.
Sure, some people (my husband included) gave me a lot of grief for it, but ultimately, it was something i needed to do for me.

If you are struggling so much that you need to cut, then I really think it is important that you get help quickly!

Be comforted, hon - you are not alone!! Many many christians struggle with depression - and yes, other christians harm themselves.
But there is so much freedom to be had!

Keep talking, and find yourself that doctor!!
Pm me if you want

 

[4jc]

HI Jenna,
I am also coming into this a little late, but I want to offer what I can to maybe assist you in your time of need.
I know how you feel about telling some doc about your feelings. Someone you don't even know, your supposed to share your inner feelings to. Not easy to do.
I had to do it as well, it was pretty hard every time. I had a psychiatrist I had to tell all to. After about 2 years I prayed about it and I left my psychiatrist and his pills. All he did for me was put me on all kinds of meds.
Not that there is anything wrong with meds, just in my case he was just drugging me up a little too much.
How's this...talk to your pastor about this and ask him if he knows a christian doctor who you might feel better about opening up to.
It is fantastic that you rely on God so much. I wish you could have a heart to heart with God about this subject. We both know that He already knows about this. Maybe by verbalizing it aloud to Him will help.
If this helps at all Jenna. You don't know me, and I know what is going on with you. The only thing you know about me is what I have put in my profile and the pic of me. I am only writing this cause your my sister in Christ and I care for you. I will pray for you.
I'm going to give you a great big hug cause I care for you Jenna.
In Christ, Chris...