I SHOULD be doing my homework!!!!!

[Yasha]

But, instead I wound down to frozen.

I am not doing so hot...really falling inside.
It just occurred to me, like a ton of bricks, actually, that _I_ am going to a women's crisis center for counseling on Monday for being an abuse victim.....!!!!!

(Trigger content in WHITE...highlight to read(thanks again, Ssarl-great idea!)) Do not read this if you are feeling weak or sad, please!!!

I think my husband's family has won! I think I am losing!


I've BEEN crying for two hours. I wrote all the words down over the years and prayed myself here, but, the truth is, I can't take him anymore alone. Since my son is gone, I need to find help....for ME!!!! I just can't go back to being so alone with this pain. You guys are great...but I am back to having no true kindness under my roof again. He doesn't hit me or hurt me physically, but the neglect and disconnect, VERBAL ABUSE and sexlessness is toooooo much. Since my son was here and we reintroduced kindness to our house, it is worse TO DO WITHOUT IT now that he is gone. I'M DYING HERE.


I so didn't live like this for the first half of my life. I so didn't think I would ever be going in from THIS storm for help. I wanna go home to Heaven sssoooo bad!

I so feel like I've failed. I wasn't supposed to land here...I was supposed to help him. His damage is too deep for me, it's taking too long! Why doesn't Jesus do something to help me here? ALL I DO IS HELP MYSELF AND OTHERS IN THIS FAMILY. He moves so openly on behalf of others, I've seen Him. He's done miraculous things for me before, too. All that is True....but, THIS, THIS IS TOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!Why doesn't He shed light in my husband's awful damaged heart? Why do I have to wait sooooo long?

I just want Him to release me and take me Home to Heaven. I can't believe in suicide...I can't believe in divorce....I can't let down my son whose sobriety is still so new after his attempts at offing himself last winter..... I am sooooooo busted up! What more could He want from me????!!!! What good am I if I finish badly???? What good am I if I can't go another step????I am soooooo tired.

Please pray for me, please pray that Jesus will forgive me and release me. I don't WANT to be here anymore. I REALLLLY DON'T WANT to suffer anymore. Where is Jesus' end for me? Please bring it soon, Jesus...please!!!
Please pray for me...I'm so done.

 

[luv4godremains]

Sha - I won't pray for your end, I won't pray for God to take your life, I WILL pray for God to heal you, to help you thruogh, and to show you reasons fpr what you are doing and why yuo are there. to show you how far you have come, and to show you what will continue to happen, God works through you and in you, it hurts, I know it does, but he is there, every step of the way, and I know he has done soo much through you! I know he will continue to do so, and I know you are a wonderful carnig person, who is hurting, but wh is helping others thruogh it. I know that God will heal you, it may take forever, and I know you want to elave this place, but I will not pray for God to take you, he will take you in his own time, not yours! I'm sorry hun, but, he loves you, and he needs you to work in this world, no one else has been called to do what you have been, whatever that may be!
I hope yuo feel better soon, I will be praying that you do, and that God will fix the brokeness in your family and household!
God bless, PM me if ya need to chat!

 

[GuineaP]

Hi, Shachah
I hope today finds you feeling better. Hang in there, because Monday is one more reason to hope, one more chance at all the pieces falling into place.
I know that sometimes it's frustrating when you want resolution, amends, peace - it's hard to feel hurt so badly and to know that those that you love are hurting, too. Right now, I hear of the words of the Beattitudes and I pray that they might comfort you.
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted
Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled
Blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy
Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall see God
Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are ye; when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake
Rejoice and be exceeding glad; for great is your reward in heaven; for so persucuted they the prophets which were before you.

Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength......


Guinea

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hi Sha!!!

I too am a survivor of abuse. I can very much relate to your words as I have felt the same many times. I want you to know that I know you are precious to God and He has not forgotten you (although it feels like it)!!!!

I don't know you, but I already love you. You are a fellow survivor. I have great compassion for women that have survived (and are still surviving) abuse in any form.

I will pray for you.

Love in Christ,

BlondieLashes

 

[shazabella]

Hey Sha,

We will get thru this rather icky time ... together. I am praying for you that God does ease the pain going on in your life atm. You have been such a help and an for me and i'm hoping i can be the same to you when you need it most.

One day we will find out a reason for our suffering but until then we have to hold onto God and on those icky days we hand our problems to God and say here God please just fix this.

You will get thru this ... PM me if you need to talk

- Shaz

 

[shazabella]

Dear Lord Jesus,

So many of your people are hurting atm and we lift your child Sha to you during this time of trial and we ask that she will know that you are with her and you unlike so many things in this manmade world will never forsake her. Lord we also pray for her son and the situation at home ... may her faith strengthen and be a witness to her husband and her son and teach them that God is the only answer nothing else... suicide is not the answer because you have decided every day of our life long before we were born and you have given us each a purpose in life. We ask that during this hard time that her heart will be filled with your grace and love.

We ask these things in your loving name Amen

- Shaz

 

[luv4godremains]

Dear Lord Jesus,

So many of your people are hurting atm and we lift your child Sha to you during this time of trial and we ask that she will know that you are with her and you unlike so many things in this manmade world will never forsake her. Lord we also pray for her son and the situation at home ... may her faith strengthen and be a witness to her husband and her son and teach them that God is the only answer nothing else... suicide is not the answer because you have decided every day of our life long before we were born and you have given us each a purpose in life. We ask that during this hard time that her heart will be filled with your grace and love.

We ask these things in your loving name Amen

- Shaz

Amen. Lord, I also ask that you would comfort and heal Sha in her times of need and when she feels weak, I pray that you would help her to reach out to others who feel this way and that youw ould strengthen her through these times of trial. I pray that you would come and place your arms around her now. Amen

 

[BlondieLashes]

I agree in prayer with you!!!

-BlondieLashes

 

[Yasha]

Wanna move in with me? We can start our own little abuse survivors commune...NO MEANIES ALLOWED. Mean people suck!

I am just feeling a little numb now. I had a lot of reading to do to keep up in my new college class this week...I finished now. I also handed in my assignments, all finished a day early. Hubby is on his upped dose of meds now and being a sweetheart. I so hate this rollercoaster.

I was really low when I wrote that, obviously. I get that way, because I am soooooo tired. To top it off, I have been trying to find a Survivors 12 step around here to go to and they don't seem to be around me. I found two, 30 and 50 miles from me. One SIA(Survivors of Incest Anonymous) and a NOVA(National Organization for Victims of Abuse, not a 12 step, though). I am soooooo sure that I need to bring this 12 step into my life and so confused at the inaccessibility of them. I don't fit in the AA/NA format anymore....or the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, because my husband is a very sober guy. I am praying for this need to be met in me. Maybe, my appointment Monday will help to be a resource to get me to one closer....I'm praying for that.

I'm feeling a bit better, thanks for your prayers. I did all the things that help. DID about 7 miles on my treadmill while watching my Bon Jovi Live in London DVD over the past two days, a little over 3 miles each time. I finished my reading and homework, listened to my newest CD addiction, NIN, talked to friends and my son and my daughter and my Mom....some journal time....took in a couple sermons.

I know I have to wait it out to die, but I really am tired. I don't see much changing in this realm for me. The Lord has just placed me in a place where it seems that my calling is to rise above the crud around me time after time and be an inspiration in that doing. I just want my life to be a blessing TO ME once in a while. It's always Him in me lifting myself and everyone else. There is never the reverse, in the flesh people around me. I gotta find a group of survivors to share things with.

I'm delusionally almost hopeful again, at least this hour.

Thanks for prayers, throw out some more anytime you feel a calling to. I'm still pretty beat up inside. Walking forward in faith, but not so much in heart. Hoping that my heart will follow soon. Love, Sha

 

[BlondieLashes]

You go girl!!!! Stand for our Lord!!! Praying for you!!!

Peace,
-BlondieLashes

 

[shazabella]

Hey Birthday girl

You will get thru this - just wanted to remind u of that

- Shaz

 

[luv4godremains]

luv u loads Sha, always will do, have been praying for you whilst I've been at soul survivor, I KNOW you'll get through this, and whatever else life may throw at you, you've been through soo much, but God is there every step of the way, your loving Father is soo proud of you for hanging in there when things seem to hard!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Just checking in with you....how are you doing Sha???

 

[Yasha]

I'm pasting this from another thread. I wanted to touch base with you all. Your faithful prayers are appreciated SOOOOOO much.

I am doing VERY POORLY actually. I had a huge blowout with my husband last night, who did all of the actual blowing....he was real bad. I was actually terrified, which is what he was wanting. The topic was the appointment next week. We are both so fried. We are not having much support for each other. He's had it, he was beyond over this struggle last night. I am feeling like a truck plowed into me. The enemy grabbed me by the heart yesterday and sunk it in that _I_ went to a Women's Crisis Center. I am really desparing here. I said i was afraid that it was too little too late and my husband became just beyond aful. I cried for about 6 hours before I fell asleep.

I don't know where to turn...I'm just hoping we survive til next Saturday. How did this thing get soooo large in the past couple of weeks? I think I am just too spent. I am probably gonna be gone for awhile...or at least following the advice below; from a previous post in the prayer forum:

"I went to a Women's Crisis Center Monday to get help in dealing with the overwhelming nature of my family's dynamics. There was a lot of spiritual warfare rising up to prevent it, let me tell you. Despite a near anxiety attack, I went.

I am convinced that it was the perfect thing to do for me. I laid it all out, found out I don't quite fit anywhere. I don't fit in SIA (Survivors of Incest) because I'm not a direct victim. I might even find the meetings victimize me more. I don't fit in Survivors of Abuse, quite, because I am choosing to remain with my abuser and try to resolve issues and most survivors have left their situations or are trying to reach the autonomy to do that. I am an abuse victim in my association with the abuse family I married into..... there would be plenty of support for me if i left, but not if i want to stay. So, we NEED to refocus on Surviving together as Survivors as a couple. So, low and behold, I was referred out to a man who had lived within 3 miles of my previous residence of 20 years the whole time I lived there, the whole time WE lived there! I went way around a block to find myself back on it, you know?

Anyway, we were referred to a counseling couple that specialize in male victimization survivors of incest, finally. This is NOT easy to locate! Our insurance is accepted there and everything. I have endured YEARS of opposition that have finally taken us here. The reason I sought it out? Because I am exhausted and I am tired of being the family therapist and leanin' post; Because my two men have SPENT me; Because I am being emptied beyond what is best for me; Because I was directed by the counselor at the Women's Crisis Center to even limit my partcipation here to once a day instead of two or three times a day; Because, even here, in this Christian venue, I am pouring so much of me out....there is no place at home to recoup it, emotionally. That, though we do wondrous and great things for one another here in prayer, we are not kept in balance by an overseer who will protect me from pouring too much of me other than God. He is doing His job, naturally. He allowed me to go through this place to emptiness.

I do believe that God will allow us to be sifted to help us to see and find revelation in areas where we are off track. I do believe that we can be admonished by His permissive will, EVEN to curb our enthusiasm to share Him, if it is not in our best interests; if He can't get us to see it another way.

I do not share this with you to suggest that this is your need or answer. I share this to illustrate that sometimes it is His permissive will to allow our emptying by persecution and 'attack' to move us in one direction or another or to curb us. I think He is speaking such to me, this day and yesterday.

He loves us too much to even allow us to go into 'hyper-service mode,' at our own expense. He wants me to rest in my focus, to take care of me and mine and to be more attentive to the deficit that is compromising my better actions and judgements in areas that are harming me. He loves me VERY MUCH! He's a VERY wise Father, and He has been using attacks and persecutions to incline my ear toward Him.

He loves YOU this much, too. I will pray for your inner ear to be inclined to His voice and be sated in His peace and lovingkindness for you. amen

 

[shazabella]

for you and hubby ... you will get thru this Sha. Have you looked at getting help as survivors and secondary survivors - a certain website has just reinstated their secondaries section and whilst its not a christian based website they might be able to suggest some things. I'll PM you the addy.

- Shaz

 

[Yasha]

for you and hubby ... you will get thru this Sha. Have you looked at getting help as survivors and secondary survivors - a certain website has just reinstated their secondaries section and whilst its not a christian based website they might be able to suggest some things. I'll PM you the addy.

- Shaz

Hugg-letts for you dear one! I really appreciated every drop of kindness I found here yesterday and today..

I am interested in that site, thanks.

 

[luv4godremains]

Sha - I really feel for you, I'm praying God will guide you and ur hubby to the right places that can help you through this, that you will also be able to find a place for YOU to go and empty out your heart, whether it be a close friends house or somewhere else, I pray that you will be able to overcome this, and that as each day goes by, your strength does not disintigrate a little more, but that God would rebuild and add to it as time goes by! Amen
lots of hugs to you angel.

 

[Yasha]

Been away a while. It seems that the Lord is working through my despair to bring resources to my husband and son...how new is that? NOT.

I went to the Women's Crisis Center, got a referal for a counselor who specializes in Male Survivors, he's affiliated with and gave me THIS reference, for my son and husband ONLY, because they are MEN~~~> abusedboys. Which is a great resource for any of you men! We went from famine to a week of :"It's Raining Men, Hallelujah! It's Raining Men. Amen" Come to find out this shrink has lived within miles of our previous home longer than we had and I needed to go to a Women's Crisis Center to get referred to him and all this other....go figure. He takes our insurance!

The kicker is, his wife who was recommended to me to use, does not take our insurance, so AGAIN I can't go!!! and, they SPECIALIZE in MALE SURVIVORS! Who could be a better support to me! Anyway, my husband starts there on Saturday for individual.

This is like Deja Vu for two weeks ago when I called SIA (Survivors of Incest 12-step) seeking help, only to find that the only meeting within reasonable driving distance to me is a MEN'S ONLY meeting down the street from my son. Again, I gave my referal away, to him. I don't know if he'll go, but I am STILL without a place to go.

Will it ever be my turn, Jesus? I feel like a flat spare tire that no one can fix!

Things are just too wierd being me! Haven't found a job for the 4th straight month, either. I feel like God has abandoned me, though I believe He hasn't, I don't know WHAT He is waiting for! I can't seem to find my river of blessing that usually accompanies me stepping into His will for me. Am I really lost for the first time in years and years ( at least the first time for this LONG!) ?

Usually I feel lost for a couple days or a week, MAYBE, but this feels like a LONG TIME LOST.

Oh, well, thanks for all the kind words above, gang. I guess one day in the future I will be praising Him for that deliverance I can't see OR ACCOMPLISH. To the future! But, I sure 'feel' lost.

ROMANS 3:27 So where does that leave our proud Jewish insider claims and counterclaims? Canceled? Yes, canceled. What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. 28 We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade. 29 And where does that leave our proud Jewish claim of having a corner on God? Also canceled. God is the God of outsider non-Jews as well as insider Jews. 30 How could it be otherwise since there is only one God? God sets right all who welcome his action and enter into it, both those who follow our religious system and those who have never heard of our religion. 31 But by shifting our focus from what we do to what God does, don't we cancel out all our careful keeping of the rules and ways God commanded? Not at all. What happens, in fact, is that by putting that entire way of life in its proper place, we confirm it. ROMANS 4:1 So how do we fit what we know of Abraham, our first father in the faith, into this new way of looking at things? 2 If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we're given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. 3 What we read in Scripture is, "Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own." 4 If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. 5 But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift. 6 David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man: 7 Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off, whose sins are wiped clean from the slate. 8 Fortunate the person against whom the Lord does not keep score.

 

[Yasha]

Hubby has his first session with his new counselor this AM. Prayers for an abundant outpouring of Jesus on their bonding and the tumbling of ancient walls, chains and weapons, for His glory and honor. Amen.

 

[luv4godremains]

praying! hope it all goes well hun!