I See No More Options

[NoRoadsLeft]

My name is Mikey, and I am a firm follower of Christ at 19 years-old. I attend private Christian University Corban in Salem, Oregon.

From childhood to now, I have not lived well. We have always been poor. I've come into a strong and genuine relationship with Christ in the past couple years, despite being raised Christian. However, my parents have exhibited many things to damage us.

My father has extreme anger issues. My mother has attempted suicide multiple times in the past 6 years. They both have upsides, of course. They love us dearly. But their downsides hit against my heart brutally.

I've developed a complex of self-loathing over the years; feeling like a failure. I have done my best in school and in character development, but I am still made to feel very guilty for things I've done.

On top of this self-loathing, my girlfriend and I have been having sex for some time; something I regret deeply, but for some reason, have never been able to stop. It's caused me heartache. I have no idea how my life has reached this point. What's worse is, she may be pregnant.

I felt so terribly ashamed to hear this, that I have been in shock for awhile. I still feel awful -- though it's only been a day or two since we've heard. My relationship with God was put beneath me and my earthly desires. I put my sin first, and I am suffering for it.

We are unsure if she's pregnant, but if she is, I have found no way I would be able to continue my life. I've been thinking for awhile that I have no options. I've been thinking of killing myself.

I've used sex as a coping mechanism for all the horrible things I've experienced in my life, which I know is so wrong, but I've only discovered too late. I've lied face on the floor, literally crying out to God to somehow turn this situation around. I've never wanted my life to get to this point. I always thought I would be able to stay away. But life got way harder than I ever imagined.

The shame and terror and self-loathing I would experience for my girlfriend to have a baby outside of wedlock would push me past the edge of sanity. I've already been feeling miserable because of how my parents make me feel (i.e. my dad yelling at me as soon as he wakes up), and if this horrible thing comes to fruition, which I fear it might, I find no more value in my life.

I would face the same backlash my brother faced when he conceived out of wedlock. And it is my own fault. I simply don't know where to go with my life after this. I need Godly council. I beg of anyone to please help.

EDIT: We thought we found out she wasn't pregnant, but we are unsure at this point. I desperately need prayers... I am scared sick.

I understand suicide is not the answer... I suppose I should show more courage and trust in God. I am just so worried.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[NoRoadsLeft]

How old is your girlfriend? Is she a Christian? There is always hope. Why wouldn't you make a great daddy?

My girlfriend is also a Christian and 19 as well. I've just been so afraid of the consequences that come from it. I would have to leave college, or she suggested adoption, which I know would be the only other option, but would certainly come back to haunt me.

I wanted parenthood to come at the right time. I've always dreamt of being a good father to my children, and writing the wrongs done to me by my father. But I didn't want it like this. Sexual relations were created by God to be used in marriage, and I misused them.

However, she's just informed me that she is not pregnant. But I don't want to take down this post, because I still need advice on managing my temptations better.

 

[Solomons Porch]

I too became pregnant very young, and I wasn't married. I understand what you both may feel and be going thru. I was 16. To end your life is not the answer, lets just talk this thru.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[NoRoadsLeft]

I really appreciate your encouraging words. This has potentially been the scariest time of my life. It's also been a wake-up call.

I also understand the possibility of there being a positive outcome, but I feel wrong about misusing the Lord's gifts the way I did. When I have a family, I want to be completely ready.

Glad to hear that you can calm down as your girlfriend is not going to have a baby soon. People do get through situations like that though and go on to have a nice family and successful careers in the future. You could have done the same.

 

[brinny]

Praying for you Mikey, and your girlfriend, and all your family and household, that God moooooves as only He can, intervening and putting in place your future and your hope that He formed for you since before the foundation of the world, and that He guides you, opening doors of blessings, favor, and healing. Father may it be so, in Jesus name, amen. Welcome to CF Mikey. (((hug)))

 

[NoRoadsLeft]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am so very scared. I don't know what to do if she is pregnant. I'm struggling with properly supporting her, because I have been so consumed with my own fear.

I need to trust in God's plan, but I hardly have the courage to do that right now.

 

[brinny]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am so very scared. I don't know what to do if she is pregnant. I'm struggling with properly supporting her, because I have been so consumed with my own fear.

I need to trust in God's plan, but I hardly have the courage to do that right now.

Praying for you Mikey (((hug)))

 

[Tempura]

"I understand suicide is not the answer..." you said it right yourself. It's good that you understand it. You're battling fear and shame, as if such things can't or won't be a part of your life. Nobody is immune. It's just that when one is young, unprepared or lost, they seem like the worst enemies. It's confusion and panic, and one's mind will turn to despicable lies such as suicide, especially when there is depression around.

So you take everything that's coming your way. That's how you do it. Let those feelings of guilt, shame and fear try their best, they can't do anything else but to make you feel something. Acknowledge them, but don't obey them. They're lies. You will get through many things, including this, and so will your girlfriend, and so will whatever children you may get at any point in time.

In no circumstances should you believe that God hates you, your girlfriend or the child, if a child is coming. Think about it spiritually, don't think about legalism or man-made caste systems. God will not abandon you or anyone else. We people can be ridiculously confused sometimes, and we listen to whatever horrors our conscience throws at us as if it's always the voice of God and nothing else. But we shouldn't. What we should do is love one another and try our best. We should encourage each other, carry each others' burdens and have hope in Christ. And there is always hope in Christ. No matter how you may feel.

So be strong. Being strong doesn't always - if ever - mean someone who's not moved by anything, but someone who perseveres and endures. I also hope that you get help for whatever psychological problems you may have. I suspect you have plenty, and you kind of said it too. Perhaps this is a wake-up call you're just misinterpreting as something else, as something horrible? It's never too late to start working on yourself. And if you're anything like me when I was younger, I thought I couldn't be saved. Physically, mentally and spiritually too at times. I didn't believe for a second that someone who's so messed up like I was could get any better, that I could see and experience life better and have real hope and peace of mind. But I made it, and I thank God, and I thank everyone who helped me - mother, some friends, doctors, nurses, you name it. Never too late man, never too late.

Said a prayer for you brother, hoping for comfort, guidance, love, strength and hope to come your way, and for everyone you love and have around you as well. Do not do what you already know you shouldn't do. Allow God to forgive you, accept that forgiveness without conditions, and accept your weaknesses. In time, you will accept those of others too, and then you and everyone else around you can grow. Seek help. Accept the challenge, and you'll become stronger than you could ever imagine.

No fear, brother. Remember: God is never far away from a broken spirit. We're all with you here too- God bless.

 

[Motherofkittens]

I know this is cliche but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I always remind myself when I get low and it helps.

Which do you think would be worse to your family and friends, having a kid out of wedlock which most people don't care about or killing yourself? They would be so hurt and over something so little.

I respect that you believe you should wait until marriage to have sex, but if you are going to have sex, which it seems like you are, than please use birth control.