I Screwed Up Bad................I Think

[Phrasedefina]

Hello yall. I couldn't really figure out where to post this, in between Men's Corner and here. But I decided on here cause this is an issue that I know many of us young adults go through or are going through.

This is relationship related, and forgive me if its kinda long I will try to keep it short, however its all relevant information to the questions I have.

This person is a junior in college. Please remember that when you read this.


So 3 years ago I became involved with someone when I was on vacation in east Texas. I didn't expect some of the physical activity that occured but just so you know I did not have sex with her then, but she fell in love with me. Big time. Really big.....so I lived 7 hours away and she would call and write letters, etc. and we began a somewhat long distance relationship. EXCEPT...she loved me more than I loved her. WAY MORE.

So she came to visit a couple times a year and I really started to fall in deep love with her. *HERE IS THE MISTAKE* I never told her how I really felt cause she still hadn't started college yet (yes she was young..if you hate me for that..then whatever I don't care) and I didn't want to be that guy that later on in her life she would look back and say "look what I did...I coulda partied and had all this fun, but I decided to stay with this one guy".

Being that I expierenced a situation like this before I did not want to be the bad guy, so I let her be and was her best listener and friend when she would tell me about the expierences she had and the things she did. I was semi jealous, but I distanced my self far enough off on purpose because I wanted her to do her own thing so I wouldn't be held responsible later in her life if we didn't work out. Well come to find out, me being her best listener and friend made her love me even more and she would write me letters about marriage in the future etc. Of course I would've wanted to one day, but I never replied to those questions at all. She felt like I didn't love her that much.

*ok...so now to the recent time...back around 10 months ago*

She came to visit me before her birthday around 13 months ago. I believe it was March 03. We are in my bedroom and she was a virgin. Now, I had a predicament in front of me.....I told her I loved her, and that even though our urges were strong, I would not attempt having sex with her unless she really really really felt it was the time. (now before you go saying "no sex before marriage blah blah blah....remember what they say about he who casts the first stone). She did not feel it was the time, but she wanted me to be the one.

Well her birthday came up and she was back home. Well someone took something that belonged to me that day and you can all guess what that was.....it was not consenual. I was so angry....you don't understand, I wanted to kill this person that did this to her.

So now.....because she feels like she is only supposed to be with one person etc etc and that he must be the one because of what happened. She said she prayed about it long and hard. etc. etc. HOW THE HECK can HE BE THE ONE?!!!

Needless to say they are dating now and they have been for 10 months. She came to visit me a few weeks ago even though they were dating, and in a moment of panic I spilled all the beans...I told her everything about how I felt about her from day one. I apologized so much for never telling her. She told me that she would've never even liked the other guy if I woulda told her how I felt back then. She stayed with me for a couple of days and things happened. She was still in love with me anyway, and thats why she came to visit in the first place, but now that I finally told her how I felt I confused her and she went home not knowing what to do.

She just made her decision to stay with the other guy after about a month of deliberation and emotional struggle within herself. If they ever break up, maybe I will get her back.....it seems likely....but we don't know for sure. We talk on the phone and stuff and she says I love you and I do to and we both mean it. It's just that its very painfull for me to say it, when I know she also loves someone else more than me.

I have prayed about it so much. 2x a day at least sometimes more...out loud when no one is around.

AND my question is....Did I do the right thing by backing off all that time so that she could do what she wanted and have fun and not feel constricted by the confines of a relationship? I have made some really mean a**hole moves in relationships with girls in my distant past. Is this my just rewards?

What do I do? I don't wanna pray about it anymore. I ****es me off to think about it. That I was such an idiot to wait too long and now I feel I have lost her for ever.

 

[Servant991]

Hmm difficult situation indeed. But I don't get it, did the other guy she is with now rape her? And if so, why is she with him, and not filling charges against him?

But as you said yourself, you backed off and basically said to yourself that you wanted her to have fun, experience life, etc. Didn't you kind of expect her to find some other guy? But if you are in your twenties, and are dating girls who are in high school, you are asking for trouble anyway, right? Maybe its better she found someone else (her age?).

 

[Phrasedefina]

Hmm difficult situation indeed. But I don't get it, did the other guy she is with now rape her? And if so, why is she with him, and not filling charges against him?

I think so, and she does too. But she feels its partially her fault etc. etc. I think a girl that has been in her shoes can explain it better than me. I think its a little bit of Stockholm syndrome. Not only that she honestly believes that your only supposed to be with one person and thats it....etc...

and on the age thing...well it not like I "dated" a girl much younger than me...your right though...its trouble, but it didn't happen that way. It was a short time incident where we met and some things happened and she fell in love with me, and I was not that intrested.....but as years went on...I am now in this new boat.

 

[fishstix]

So... a guy raped her and now she's going out with him because of it. It sounds like she is in need of some kind of counselling as that is not a very healthy way of dealing with being raped. It is not your fault nor hers that she got raped. And it is not your fault that she started going out with another guy. Not having sex with her was a good thing. Since you are still friends with her, it would be a good idea to let her know that being raped was not her fault and she was not responsible. You could also encourage her to get some counselling to help her deal with what happened. As far as getting back together goes - it really sounds like she isn't ready to be dating anyone at the moment. So you should probably not push things if she does break up with him.

Not telling her how you felt about her was probably a mistake. You were going out with her for what - 2 years? So, it is quite possible that that contributed to her breaking up with you. However, that is about as much as you can feel partially responsible for. The rape and her decision to go out with the other guy are not your fault.

And don't give up on the praying. I know it doesn't seem like it's getting anywhere right now, but don't give up.

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

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[Phrasedefina]

well.....yes she was raped, and now they are dating. Its not that hard to see yall, really.


But then I think a female that has been in her shoes would have a better comment on that fact than males.

Yes she liked him a little before the incident, but that was not what she meant. She told me if I would've given her the attention she needed earlier on, then she would not have ended up in the situation in the first place. The fact is she didn't really believe I loved her that much.

Is that hard to see? Really?

The real question is...Did I do the right thing by letting her be herself and not hold her in the confines of a relationship? Morally, did I do the right thing?

and on the "no one is here to pass judgement..." ok your right, but when I was here a long time ago (last year) I saw some people passing judgement on others that I felt was unjust. I was just covering my bases.

 

[Bookman]

Yes, you did the right thing. I think God has moved both of you on. God has someone else for you. Believe that.

She is being foolish for staying with this guy, but that's her decision. If you'll just be patient and wait, I'm confident you'll see that this is all for the best.

 

[Phrasedefina]

Perhaps I should've posted this in a different CF forum. You see, I grew up in real poverty. In that society things like rape and other crimes happen to young girls all the time, so I am used to hearing about it all the time. Out of all my girlfriends I have had, I would say 70% had a sexually traumatic expierence from a friend, or supposed friend to a family member before I dated them. Yea, it makes for emotionally unstable people that need counseling. But for females they don't just run off and "press charges". Most of the time you don't even hear about it because they would rather take it to the grave than to risk the possible wrath of family, parents, friends, and thier afraid they will never be accepted by another guy again. These girls/women feel like they will never be good enough for someone else.

Imagine it happening to you. Think about what would be going through your mind. It must be easier for me because I have been so exposed to so much, that I understand how these girls feel.

 

[fishstix]

Perhaps I should've posted this in a different CF forum. You see, I grew up in real poverty. In that society things like rape and other crimes happen to young girls all the time, so I am used to hearing about it all the time. Out of all my girlfriends I have had, I would say 70% had a sexually traumatic expierence from a friend, or supposed friend to a family member before I dated them. Yea, it makes for emotionally unstable people that need counseling. But for females they don't just run off and "press charges". Most of the time you don't even hear about it because they would rather take it to the grave than to risk the possible wrath of family, parents, friends, and thier afraid they will never be accepted by another guy again. These girls/women feel like they will never be good enough for someone else.

Imagine it happening to you. Think about what would be going through your mind. It must be easier for me because I have been so exposed to so much, that I understand how these girls feel.

Just because it happens all the time it doesn't make it right or make it less difficult for the people it happens to to deal with. Regardless of the circumstances, someone who is raped can press charges and should be encouraged to get the help they need. It doesn't matter how much money they have or how many times it has happened around them. In fact, given the circumstances you described, the girls being raped should be encouraged even moreso to press charges so that something can start to be done about the problem. Date rape is no exception. As her friend, you should make sure that she knows that being raped was not her fault and that no one blames her for it.

 

[Phrasedefina]

believe me, she knows I don't like it. She knows how I feel. I turned her father into CPS on time even. We all know its not right. I am not saying that its ok that she was raped. SHE is the one that has to make that call and I promise you I have told her several times that she needs to do something about it. But its a mental issue SHE has to take care of.

I can't do that for her. I by no means think that rape is ok. She agrees, but she has been emotionally affected in way we just can't understand. I am telling you, read up on the affects of rape. Its not that easy for the victim to just turn someone in or report it to authorities.

 

[fishstix]

believe me, she knows I don't like it. She knows how I feel. I turned her father into CPS on time even. We all know its not right. I am not saying that its ok that she was raped. SHE is the one that has to make that call and I promise you I have told her several times that she needs to do something about it. But its a mental issue SHE has to take care of.

I can't do that for her. I by no means think that rape is ok. She agrees, but she has been emotionally affected in way we just can't understand. I am telling you, read up on the affects of rape. Its not that easy for the victim to just turn someone in or report it to authorities.

Yes, of course she is the one that needs to deal with it. And it is understandable that she would want to keep it quiet rather than reporting it. But as her friend, you can be there to support her and encourage her. Let her know that if she does report him, she won't be an outcast and you and her other friends will still be there for her.

 

[Cright]

AND my question is....Did I do the right thing by backing off all that time so that she could do what she wanted and have fun and not feel constricted by the confines of a relationship? I have made some really mean a**hole moves in relationships with girls in my distant past. Is this my just rewards?

What do I do? I don't wanna pray about it anymore. I ****es me off to think about it. That I was such an idiot to wait too long and now I feel I have lost her for ever.

Phrasedefina,

I know that your question is not getting directly answered. I'll do my best, though I don't think they can be answered well.

1) did you do the right thing by backing off? I think it's an honorable idea... the amount of time you back off and still continue to not tell her your true feelings is debateable. I personally prefer all info upfront and think that even if you back off you should communicate why and feelings.
2) are the results your faced with your "rewards". I don't think so. I think that the young lady you are speaking about is going through some traumatic things and is possibly confused. I don't want to say too much regarding her since the stuff mentioned about her is not from her fingers, but yours... I would :guess: that she needs an older, responsible, ethical, moral female to talk to about her decisions and the possible trauma that she went through with the guy she is now dateing.
3) What do you do? praying is good... even when you don't want to. Crying is good once in awhile. Hurting for someone you love and have lost is normal grieving. You may have lost the special relationship you have had with her (or not, I don't know since I'm not involved) my advise (which is only my opinion) is to try to learn from it. Try to decide what you loved, liked, disliked about the relationship, about her, about your communication style. Try to break it down so that in future relationships you can learn how to build and improve on things important in a relationship and how to avoid relationships that would hold negativities.

God Bless,
C

 

[LuckyCharm]

Its not that easy for the victim to just turn someone in or report it to authorities.

I can attest to that. When it happened to me as a teenager, it took my brother and his best friend to pry it out of me... All I could do was sit there and cry...

A lot of people have posted various opinions and speculations here, and some of the advice has been VERY wise, IMO! But I wanted to throw another possibility into the mix....

Could it be that your ex-girlfriend is very conflicted about her own sexuality? And that once someone else has "experienced" her that way, she feels bound to be with him no matter what? Even if it's a sacrificial, maybe even masochistic, exercise in self-punishment? It's natural for the victim to blame herself, you know.

Her comments about liking him vs. liking you aren't that surprising -- I "liked" my rapist before it happened. But I wasn't by any means willing to have sex with him.

Of course, in my case, I immediately hated him afterward. Wished him dead, in fact. That doesn't appear to have been your ex-girlfriend's reaction, but believe me, some people have some very odd reactions to trauma!

~~Cheryl

 

[WildHeart75]

ok, I do not understand. Your ex that you supposedly love sooooo much and want to be with is raped and is now dating the guy who raped her and you are in turmoil because you feel you've lost her forever? Shouldn't you be more concerned with her, since you love her so much and all. Why are you asking people to help you and not her? She is the one who needs the prayers and support right now. As far as age goes, what in the hell is a male well into his twenties doing having feelings for a high school girl? You shouldn't even be hanging out with high school girls.

 

[plum]

I was also sexually assaulted and here's some of the effect it had on me:
I didn't think that I would be desirable ever again. I thought having sex was the only way to connect with a guy. I thought that the only way to make someone care for me was to do physical things with him. I thought that I was forever dirty and marred. I didn't ever want to talk to ANYONE about it; it took me an entire year to mention it to anyone. Now, this may be similar to this girl's situation because I didn't report it either because I thought that since I didn't fight him off or even make it that clear that i didn't want it that it wasn't rape- it was my fault. Now I know much better. But living with this kind of self-shame and misunderstanding is a life-long process! It's not easy to get over no matter what anyone says or thinks. It will affect the future sexual activity and sexual ethic of the victim.

may there's more to say. maybe not.

But to answer your question about whether holding back your feelings... YES you did the right thing in my opinion. You could not have forseen ANY of these events nor can you even be certain that she really would have acted the way she claims she would have. hypothetical situations and regrets are very dangerous to linger upon.

 

[Phrasedefina]

...... As far as age goes, what in the hell is a male well into his twenties doing having feelings for a high school girl? You shouldn't even be hanging out with high school girls.

Um, I wasn't "hanging out" with high school girls, first of all. We encountered each other alone from different parts of the state. I have nothing to do with "high school girls".

You don't know how it all started so pass judgement on some one else. Thanks.

 

[WildHeart75]

you have nothing to do with high school girls yet she hadn't even graduated yet? sounds like a high school girl to me. Whether or not you encountered each other alone from different parts of the state or not doesn't matter, you encountered each other, therefore you were 'hanging out'. And I am not passing judgement I am telling it like it is. If you fail to see that it is wrong for a grown man to be with a young girl then you have even more problems than she does. And I believe you do not want to hear the 'judgement calls' because you know it is wrong but just don't care enough to admit it to yourself. If you really cared for this girl then you would be thinking about what is best for HER not for YOU.

 

[Phrasedefina]

Wildheart...please re read the original post carefully...

SHE IS NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL. I thought that was evident.

SHE is a sophmore to be a junior next semester at a university here in Texas.
WHEN I first met her, yes she was a senior in high school.

and you are passing judgement. Just like everyone does when they encounter something they don't agree with.

 

[fishstix]

Isn't it passing judgement to accuse someone of passing judgment?

 

[SDSUMarcus01]

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