I really screwed up, and I'm worried there is no redemption left for me

[anewman1993]

Guys, I screwed up majorly. But I'm going to give you background. I'm in my early 20's, and home bound due to illness. Over a year and a half ago God called me into the ministry and Ive tried to make movement in that direction though my health situation makes it very hard. I deal a lot with loneliness, both platonic and romantic. Its been over a year since I left my house with any sort of consistency. This has lead to a lot of temptations. A LOT, you can guess that porns been a pretty big problem, but its worse. I make most of my friends online, some of them are women. Sometimes things get flirty, sometimes they get sexual, sometimes they go to another degree of being sexual. I'm ashamed, Ive had cyber sex to some degree with quite a few women I know online, most of the time these are people Ive been friends with 1-6 months. But tonight......tonight bad. Not that it wasn't bad before, but now, now it is, this is worse to an entire new level.

This woman Ive been friends with for a while talked earlier in the day, and then again later. By the end we ended up having cyber sex, over voice chat, and she showed me her camera some (though nice to look at she wasn't nude). I'm so ashamed guys. Me and her have video chatted before, nothing bad just normal innocent conversation, so we know what each other look like. Which means, we know what each other look like. We live across the country though so I'm not to worried about anything happening. But I'm very uncomfortable with that now.

I shouldn't have done this, but I did. I Really messed up big time, huge. I feel like every time I make a step towards God I get shoved back 3 the other direction. Like I'll have a while where I get my struggles not only under control, but to the point where they arn't even a temptation. I think "porn" and my instant reflex "meh, I would rather not". I will be growing in my knowledge of God , growing closer to him, spending more time in prayer. Then life will start to hit harder, my health will hit me so I'm no longer able to keep my hands mind busy for a few weeks, stress, without anything to busy myself temptation slowly becomes an issue again, then I give in. I'm not making excuses for my behavior, there isn't one, but these situations DO make it harder and I fail to react as I should under them. Every time this happens I feel like become worse and worse off. I fall further and further into sin. Porn moved to flirting moved to cybersex.

Honestly Guys I'm starting to worry God might just kill me to keep me from leading people astray, cause Ive destroyed the credibility of Christianity to some of those women who knew I was a christian. Moreso I worry I'm destroying any future ministry I could have, cause I'm not exactly meeting the requirements of an elder right now in any way shape or form, I have basically NO self control and you could hardly consider me a "one woman man" with my actions. I feel like every time I fail, its another instance of me showing I cannot be trusted with little, and in the long run my ministry will suffer for it.

I struggle with my salvation, because of these things. The bible talks very plainly in hebrews 10 about those who choose sin.


26 For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, 27 but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. 28 Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. 29 How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” 31 It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

I'm scared this is me, I'm so terrified to my core this is me, Ive been terrified of it for a while and I'm litterally tearing up and trembling as I right this because this passage scares me so much. Its one thing to sin, come to God, and be forgiven. But what happens when you come to God, get saved, and then choose to sin? I wasn't forced with a gun to my head to do these things, I may have felt like it, but I wasn't, I CHOOSE to sin. That terrifies me. Because I deserve hell and God, his anger terrifies me. This passage is pretty clear what he thinks of those who do what I did and I don't want to have his vengeance poured out on me. But at the same time I didn't WANT to do this. When I saw this happening, when I KNEW it was about to happen. I went into my bathroom and just started praying, praying that God would help me, do something, straight up telling him " I don't want to do this God, I don't want to do this, but I DO want to do this and I don't WANT to want to do this" and stuff like that. I got on my computer and shot messages and emails to several telling them to pray for me, to help me, hoping with everything in me someone would respond and be able to hold my attention for long enough to get ahold of myself. Because when it comes to lust, I'm a mess. I see red, when I get there, all I can think about , all I can desire, is a woman. Not just sexually, but it manefest itself as sexual desire. I act like someone possessed, though I'm not possessed I"m choosing my actions. I sat down, I started voice chatting with her, laughed with her at the awkwardness, and then started doing it with her, and I liked it. It felt good. I wish I could at least say it felt bad, its the best thing Ive experienced in my life in a long time and I HATE that, I HATE that I can honestly say that. I crave intimacy, and Ive never been in love, and lash out any way I can to get anything that remotely resembles it.

I care for this woman, she is a friend of over 6 months, who has been there for me through some crap, and frankly she is dealing with some stuff to. I can't j ust say "welp, see ya" to her, for many reasons, its just not something I can honestly do to someone who I care for as a friend.

I don't want to do this, but I do it. How can I ever lead a church, when Ive committed such sins. I didn't commit them before I was saved, I even committed them AFTER my call to ministry and accepting that call and starting to work towards it.

Worst of all though, is my lack of faith. Last year I was getting absolutely eaten up inside because I wanted a wife and I felt like it was impossible for me with my health I prayed a bunch about it, and one day was literally crying in prayer because of how alone I felt. God VERBALLY told me I would get married, never had that happen before or since in regards to anything Ive ever spoken to God about. Not verbally, not with words, I don't know if it was audible but the fact that I have to question if it was or not shows how clearly God spoke. But instead of being faithful and patient and waiting I instead run to porn and women online who are willing to do something with me. I have to carry the baggage of all these things Ive done into whatever future marriage I have all because I was to unfaithful to God to take him at his word and wait.

I don't know how I could ever lead a church, or for that matter lead anyone. I don't know how I can speak for truth. I know whats right, guys I'm going to be honest Ive been very blessed with the ability to clearly understand scriptures in a very strong way, its easy for me to logically break them down to show what it says, and I'm very much concerned with maintaining my intellectual integrity in the process. However I have almost no actual integrity in LIVING it, at least in the area of intimacy. Physical pain? I can take. Death? I will willingly walk to. Starvation? Ive experienced it and will do so again if its where God sends me. But I cannot seem to be able to control myself in regards to this burning desire for emotional intimacy first and physical intimacy second. I feel like a starving man who has food placed in front of him, I devour it regardless of its Good food or not. I'm a hypocrite, and I'm afraid that everything I know to truth may be a lie , and that I'm not saved, or Ive chosen to throw away my salvation for sin. Even if I have, even if I'm damned to hell I'll spend the rest of my life on earth serving God best I can, but I really AM afraid that God is done with me. That Ive denyed him one to many times, denied his lordship, denied the direction of the holy spirit. Chosen to sin, chosen to lead others into sin. I'm scared I will corrupt anyone around me, especially in regards to ministry, I'm scared any woman God DID bring to me I would corrupt her. If I'm going to be honest I think everyone should stay away from me, I may have wisdom but I lack the self control to apply it, and that makes me a fool. A dangerous, corrupted fool who will lead others astray from God, and that scares me so much, that my actions could cause others to stray away or never come to God. Even if I'm damned for hell I don't want to take another soul with me.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Heb 10:29 KJV
(29) Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?

look closely at verse 29; this is the definition of 'sin willfully' in verse 26. have you rejected God completely and decided that He is unworthy of consideration ('trodden under foot the Son of God')? no; you have done the opposite - the more you face the weakness of the flesh, the more you honor God and desire to draw close to Him. have you decided that the blood of Jesus is of the devil ('counted the blood of the covenant...an unholy thing')? no; you have done the opposite - the more clearly you see the faults of your own flesh the more you honor that blood as the only thing holy enough to make you clean. have you spoken against the Holy Spirit publicly and forcefully as someone you despise, and completely rejected God's grace ('hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace')? no; you have done the opposite - the more you see your unworthiness, the more you honor His Spirit inside you and seek His undeserved favor.

so who is being referred to in verse 29? the Hebrew pharisees, scribes, and lawyers that condemned Jesus as a heretic and consented to His death, rejected Him as the sacrifice that paid for the sins of the WHOLE world, and threatened people to not even speak of Him at all (this is after all the letter TO the Hebrews) and required absolute perfection in performance to the law of Moses (which was as impossible to them as it was AND IS for everyone else except Jesus)...

how 'big' are all your sins, past present and future, compared to the sins of the WHOLE world for all people for all time? if you had never been born, would the total sins of the WHOLE world for all people for all time be noticeably reduced? no. you CAN'T out-sin God's forgiveness - it isn't possible - because He knew all the worst that you would ever think and do when He gave Himself for you before you were even born - and He didn't think twice before He gave Himself for you.

your problem seems to be that you don't feel that you are qualified to serve God - welcome to the club - there's only One who has ever been qualified to serve God - Jesus - all God expects from you is that you be willing - and you certainly qualify there!

Rom 7:14-24 KJV
(14) For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
(15) For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
(16) If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
(17) Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
(18) For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
(19) For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
(20) Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
(21) I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
(22) For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
(23) But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
(24) O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

now doesn't this sound familiar? isn't this what you said on your post? wasn't this written by the Apostle Paul, whom God used to evangelize the known world of his day?

you're trying to 'clean yourself up' so that God can use you; but that isn't your job - your job is to strive to be led by Him. You've heard God distinctly speak to you - this is very rare for the majority of Christians (although it certainly shouldn't be for those that Jesus said 'hear His voice'), what does He have to do to convince you that the worst of your sins have ZERO affect on His love for you; would it help to write it in the sky with clouds every day? what if every dog you saw looked at you and said 'God counts you to be as pure and holy as Jesus'; would that make a difference? no - you're simply going to have to take His word for this.

so who shall deliver you from the body of this death?

Rom 7:25 KJV
(25) I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

stop trying top add to what Jesus did - there is zero reason for you to punish yourself and languish over your mistakes once you have judged yourself and received His forgiveness. each time you receive forgiveness for something that you struggle with regularly, God puts that specific instance of sin out of His mind - if you sin in the same way 10,000 times, and judge yourself and receive forgiveness each time, and then screw up for the 10,001st time, do you know how many of those times God remembers? just the last one - and only until you judge yourself and receive forgiveness. and what if you over look an instance - miss one - He STILL counts you as forgiven - not because of your lack of performance, but because of His complete performance as Jesus on your behalf - He only remembers that last instance so that He can remind you that it's already paid for - already forgiven - when the devil reminds you about it

1Co 15:56 KJV
(56) The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

stop focusing on the weakness of your flesh - your flesh is no more ungodly than mine or anyone else's - focus on how Good He is - and His goodness will empower you to overcome the desires of your flesh - but only to the extent that you count yourself worthy to know God because of His undeserved favor toward you and regardless of your own performance - bad or good.

Rom 2:3-4 KJV
(3) And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God?
(4) Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?

shift your focus from your performance to His unfaltering goodness toward you; don't punish yourself and wallow in condemnation when you screw up, be quick to receive your forgiveness and agree with God's lack of memory regarding past sins, and step boldly back into His presence just-as-if you had never sinned (justified to be there)

this will; help:

http://www.awmi.net/audio/audio-teachings/#/awm_1014aa_gospelI.mp3
http://moorelife.org/listseries.php?xml=rss/HearAndBeHealed.xml

 

[BFine]

Good word dhlt.

@ anewman: Philippians 1:6
"Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ"

 

[anewman1993]

Yeah,but.. Like, I just talked with her again this morning and we TOTALLY going to do it again tonight, and I don't know how to stop myself without seriously harming her feelings, and I don't WANT to stop. I love feeling connected to another person and I don't think Ive ever felt attractive or wanted like this before. Well once before but that was a real girl and she lead me on so it was crappy.

I don't want to turn to sin though, I want to wait till I'm married. I want a wife who is a virgin, yet I'm a hypocrite because while I'm still technically a virgin I'm doing this stuff with other women which is pretty intimate, and thats WHY I like doing it, the intimacy.

I have several comments on another website that I need to reply to in regards to biblical issues, yet I'm to ashamed to. They don't know, its not going to change me helping them or not. But I'm pounded by guilt, how could I help another person get closer to God while I seem to be running away. I'm not running away, I want God more than this women, I know that in my head, but my body screams at me for a connection with a woman. I know the things I'm doing will cause issues in any relationship I have in the future marriage or not. Because I'm conditioning myself to be sexual with women, to talk about sexual things, to not censor myself in any way. Ive started cussing again, I'm spending less time in the word. My prayers have turned into "help, please don't kill me, I'm sorry, I don't want to do this again", and then I do it again.

So how can I lead someone? A lot of times I hear people talk in churchs about forgiving yourself, but its always talking about how we are a new creation. I'M A NEW CREATION WHO IS SINNING. What does that say? I want God to look at me and be like "THATS MY BOY, YOU GO GET THEM" not "dude...why.....why...just...pull it together dude". Which is what he is got to be saying right now.

I choose to sin, right now I'm GOING to sin with her tonight, I PLAN to, I don't want to, I want to say "nope , not happening" but I can't seem to physically tell her that, instead I flirt with her to the point that both of us feel like we are about to explode. I love looking at her face, her smile, even while doing the other stuff, because its more about the connection to me than its about the physical stuff (Though thats really fun to). I don't want to be like that, that kind of connection is for the woman I marry and only her, yet I'm unable...no....unwilling, to actually save it for her. I feel like there is no hope for me to find someone so I take pleasure and emotional connection where I can. Ive never been in love, I'm scared I may never be especially out of what Ive done. I may pray for a wife, but its a selfish prayer, because I'm terrified that if God actually brings me the type of woman I want, that I would be the opposite of what she wants. A hypocrite, though I'm not a liar, its rare that I lie even when uncomfortable. I'll speak of my sins and call them sins and say that I was in the wrong, but yet I'll do it again,and again, and again.

It hurts man, I want to be closer to God again, but its delayed gratification and in my horribly isolated and unhealthy body its hard to think of anything other than "what feels good now, because you may not be here tomorrow". I'm scared that if I was actually sitting next to this girl Ive cybered with that we would actually have sex. The thought of being with someone, being that close to someone, its like I'm consumed with it, my entire body "sees red", my eyes and soul are hungry, like a monster looking for anything to devour. Ive hurt people, friends, because of this. I recently lost a friend I met online, who was a woman, because over time my selfish desires made her feel unwanted, like I only wanted something from her. I cared for her, I hurt for her and the stuff she is going through, but my actions where still so tainted that in the last few months she had become so frustrated with how she felt I was viewing and treating her, that she completly severed all ties with me. She felt so hurt by me. How do I live with that, this is a woman I never did anything sexual with, that line was placed early in our relationship almost a year ago. I hurt her that bad, WHILE TRYING TO HELP HER. If this is what its like to be a close friend of me, even when I have my moments when I'm close to God, how must it feel in the other moments? When I'm indulging in sin.

The bible is so clear about the dangerous of women and sexual immorality (and for women I would assume the same goes for men).

Proverbs 30:20

This is the way of an adulteress: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, “I have done no wrong.”

or Proverbs 5


And now, O sons, listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8 Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house,
9 lest you give your honor to others
and your years to the merciless,
10 lest strangers take their fill of your strength,
and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,
11 and at the end of your life you groan,
when your flesh and body are consumed,
12 and you say, “How I hated discipline,
and my heart despised reproof!
13 I did not listen to the voice of my teachers
or incline my ear to my instructors.
14 I am at the brink of utter ruin
in the assembled congregation.”

15 Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16 Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?
21 For a man's ways are before the eyes of the Lord,
and he ponders all his paths.
22 The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
23 He dies for lack of discipline,
and because of his great folly he is led astray.



Proverbs 11:22

22 Like a gold ring in a pig's snout
is a beautiful woman without discretion.

The woman I talk to is beautiful, and while she has some discretion (I'm not seeing nudity of her) we are far beyond what is ok.

Neither of us may be married, but this still applies.
Proverbs 6:23-29

23 For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light,
and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life,
24 to preserve you from the evil woman,a]">[a]
from the smooth tongue of the adulteress.b]">[b]
25 Do not desire her beauty in your heart,
and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes;
26 for the price of a prostitute is only a loaf of bread,c]">[c]
but a married womand]">[d] hunts down a precious life.
27 Can a man carry fire next to his chest
and his clothes not be burned?
28 Or can one walk on hot coals
and his feet not be scorched?
29 So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife;
none who touches her will go unpunished.


But most of all

Proverbs 6:32

He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.

I'm destroying myself, my ministry, my witness. This woman already had a bad view of christianity, how much worse must it be now? For she has seen someone who professes to love God, who has talked to her passionately about the things of God at times (until we mutually decided it wasn't good for our friendship to continue those debates in that manner), and then see him turn around and do these things?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well the good news is it was only cybersex. Not that thats more "ok" then anything else of course. I never really did cybersex, instead I had real sex and sinned. Just pray you don't get pulled into the sin of real sex because virginity is something you can't get back. Are you going to hell? Are you a horrible person? No and no. You messed up and at least it wasn't real sex. The fact your on here means you felt the Holy Spirit convicting you and you want forgiveness. Thats a good thing. You mentioned you feel you deserve hell.... well technically we all deserve it. But Jesus died for our sins. So we have salvation now and can be forgiven. Pray for forgiveness and move on. After you pray don't continue to think your a bad person because you then have defeated the purpose of asking for forgiveness. In Gods mind your sin is forgiving and dropped.

As for leading a church or ministry... don't ever think someone in a high position, like a pastor is sin free. A good pastor admits they are not perfect. One pastor we know admitted to the congregation he had issues with being quick to anger sometimes. Our current pastor at our newer church admits sometimes he can judge others right away. None of us are perfect and will sin through out our life. We always can try our best not to of course. And when we do mess up we ask for forgiveness. Sexual stuff is hard to get away from. I know this all to well. Porn, sex...etc.

You said you want to do it again tonight but why? What compels you? Do you want to say yes because you don't want to hurt her feelings? Because the only feelings that matter is what God things. And frankly cybersex isn't as good as real sex. So save yourself for marriage, its worth it. Don't go down the route I did. Tell her no. Unplug your internet if you have to. Cut the ethernet cord if need be. Smash your camera. Smash your keyboard. Throw away the power plug. Its a bit extreme but if you feel you must have cybersex tonight then you need to stop yourself anyway you can. I should mention did you know you want to still have cybersex while asking for forgiveness? Because if you pray for forgiveness, bu at the same time are thinking of have more cybersex then you are taking advantage of Gods grace and thus your sin will not be forgiven. I did this alot. I would pray for forgiveness about watching porn, but while praying I would be thinking about what porn I could look at next.

I feel so free being away from that stuff. I'm not perfect of course but the freedom you feel when you let God give you strength is amazing. Its like weight has been taken off your heart, shoulders and everything. Your in my prayers. Stay strong and don't give in. Remember satan may be good at drawing us into sin, but we have a POWERFUL God that even the devil cannot defeat or win against.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

her feelings will heal, but you are piling up unbelief for yourself that can bind your faith long after she's just a memory - be smart - your effective faith is worth more than her feelings. wouldn't it be just like the devil to get you to willingly bind your faith right before he blindsides you with an unrelated dangerous situation you haven't anticipated? you might be playing with your mortal life - get a grip Brother!

do what you have to do to remove yourself from this temptation; cut the phone line to your living quarters if you have to (the time it takes to have it repaired might be all you need to come to your senses about this) - let God be her Savior, and don't contact her again or allow her to contact you until you have your flesh under control.

remember Sampson...

 

[All Moving Parts]

Heb 10:29 KJV
(29) Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?

look closely at verse 29; this is the definition of 'sin willfully' in verse 26. have you rejected God completely and decided that He is unworthy of consideration ('trodden under foot the Son of God')? no; you have done the opposite - the more you face the weakness of the flesh, the more you honor God and desire to draw close to Him. have you decided that the blood of Jesus is of the devil ('counted the blood of the covenant...an unholy thing')? no; you have done the opposite - the more clearly you see the faults of your own flesh the more you honor that blood as the only thing holy enough to make you clean. have you spoken against the Holy Spirit publicly and forcefully as someone you despise, and completely rejected God's grace ('hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace')? no; you have done the opposite - the more you see your unworthiness, the more you honor His Spirit inside you and seek His undeserved favor.

so who is being referred to in verse 29? the Hebrew pharisees, scribes, and lawyers that condemned Jesus as a heretic and consented to His death, rejected Him as the sacrifice that paid for the sins of the WHOLE world, and threatened people to not even speak of Him at all (this is after all the letter TO the Hebrews) and required absolute perfection in performance to the law of Moses (which was as impossible to them as it was AND IS for everyone else except Jesus)...

how 'big' are all your sins, past present and future, compared to the sins of the WHOLE world for all people for all time? if you had never been born, would the total sins of the WHOLE world for all people for all time be noticeably reduced? no. you CAN'T out-sin God's forgiveness - it isn't possible - because He knew all the worst that you would ever think and do when He gave Himself for you before you were even born - and He didn't think twice before He gave Himself for you.

your problem seems to be that you don't feel that you are qualified to serve God - welcome to the club - there's only One who has ever been qualified to serve God - Jesus - all God expects from you is that you be willing - and you certainly qualify there!

Rom 7:14-24 KJV
(14) For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
(15) For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
(16) If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
(17) Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
(18) For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
(19) For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
(20) Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
(21) I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
(22) For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
(23) But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
(24) O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

now doesn't this sound familiar? isn't this what you said on your post? wasn't this written by the Apostle Paul, whom God used to evangelize the known world of his day?

you're trying to 'clean yourself up' so that God can use you; but that isn't your job - your job is to strive to be led by Him. You've heard God distinctly speak to you - this is very rare for the majority of Christians (although it certainly shouldn't be for those that Jesus said 'hear His voice'), what does He have to do to convince you that the worst of your sins have ZERO affect on His love for you; would it help to write it in the sky with clouds every day? what if every dog you saw looked at you and said 'God counts you to be as pure and holy as Jesus'; would that make a difference? no - you're simply going to have to take His word for this.

so who shall deliver you from the body of this death?

Rom 7:25 KJV
(25) I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

stop trying top add to what Jesus did - there is zero reason for you to punish yourself and languish over your mistakes once you have judged yourself and received His forgiveness. each time you receive forgiveness for something that you struggle with regularly, God puts that specific instance of sin out of His mind - if you sin in the same way 10,000 times, and judge yourself and receive forgiveness each time, and then screw up for the 10,001st time, do you know how many of those times God remembers? just the last one - and only until you judge yourself and receive forgiveness. and what if you over look an instance - miss one - He STILL counts you as forgiven - not because of your lack of performance, but because of His complete performance as Jesus on your behalf - He only remembers that last instance so that He can remind you that it's already paid for - already forgiven - when the devil reminds you about it

1Co 15:56 KJV
(56) The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.

stop focusing on the weakness of your flesh - your flesh is no more ungodly than mine or anyone else's - focus on how Good He is - and His goodness will empower you to overcome the desires of your flesh - but only to the extent that you count yourself worthy to know God because of His undeserved favor toward you and regardless of your own performance - bad or good.

Rom 2:3-4 KJV
(3) And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God?
(4) Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?

shift your focus from your performance to His unfaltering goodness toward you; don't punish yourself and wallow in condemnation when you screw up, be quick to receive your forgiveness and agree with God's lack of memory regarding past sins, and step boldly back into His presence just-as-if you had never sinned (justified to be there)

this will; help:

http://www.awmi.net/audio/audio-teachings/#/awm_1014aa_gospelI.mp3
http://moorelife.org/listseries.php?xml=rss/HearAndBeHealed.xml

Thank you so much for this post. You've helped more than you even know. I love you. And I know I'm just some random poster who came in, but I kinda had the same problem as the OP with struggling in sin. I don't mean to steal the focus, but I just had to say thank you for this.

 

[anewman1993]

I say NONE of this as an excuse, however you ask questions, so I answered, I have sinned, and it eats me up. These are not excuese but explanations, about why I felt the need to do what I did, why I struggle with what I do, and why it is so hard to resist. None of this excuses my behavior, rather it shows that I have not chosen to fight harder as I should.

don't ever think someone in a high position, like a pastor is sin free

No, they are not free of sin. But there is a difference between someone who blatantly sinned before gettubg saved, someone struggling after they get saved, and me. I'm a man who after he got saved, after he got called to the ministry, after learned and growing closer to god, after learning and being shown amazing things, after tasting God in a way I can only describe as sweet and pleasant and joyful. After having God speak to me in ways that while rare some people on this site would not believe, after spending sime in school for ministry before having to stop. After all that, I still choose to sin, blatantly.

I struggled with lust all my life. About a year and a half ago I completely got past lust. I mean COMPLETELY, the idea of it sickened me, the idea of porn literally made me nauseous. I had no desire for it whatsoever. I was in school for ministry, spending 5-10 hours a day in growing with God. I was on the mountaintop for lack of a better way to describe it. Then classes ended, my health issues got worse (Ive been home bound for over a year at this point, its very frustrating and painful and VERY tedious). One thing lead to another, a scantily clad woman would appear online and I would immediately close the tab but the thought still in my mind. Eventually I "used" a picture online. Then the next day it was back to bindging on porn. So more time goes by, my relationship with God is struggling, I'm hating myself and seem unable to pull it together. I have moments where I sucedd, I shared with people at church, I put blockers on my computer. But I was always able to find SOMETHING arousing that was good enough to lust with. Then a month or 2 ago I was put on adhd meds, it was a miracle cure. Suddenly my thoughts were under control, I was no longer impulsive beyond all reason, I could sit down and work. I would work on my passions and hobbies all day every day (remember, still not able to leave my house), I filled every second with SOMETHING. My health was better, still unable to leave but I could function within my house now, my relationship God was becoming joyful again as I communed with him and I believe he was no longer grieving over my sins for I had placed them behind me, both porn and the occasional cybersex. I remember the first time I had cyber sex over voice chat, afterwords, I felt like I had lost something, something Ive never felt like Ive gotten back, I can't describe it other than its just gone, something physically feels gone.

But then, several things happened. My health crashed again, so I was stuck in a chair all day (more or less) unable to focus even on mental pursuits due to fatigue. Some equipment I have broke and is expensive to replace, so that I cannot focus on those hobbies that kept me busy in the few times I DID feel better. in this position loneliness crashed in on me, along with some depression, eventually....I caved and looked at porn if for no other reason than a escape. Leading to where I am now, I know if I could pull it together and just say "no" and make myself START working on a few things, I'm able to with the meds in me (can describe how much better my life is on those, seriously, 4 months worth of work became 4 days worth of work).But I still keep choosing to sin which I hate.

You said you want to do it again tonight but why? What compels you? Do you want to say yes because you don't want to hurt her feelings?

Ive never been in love. 23 years old, never had a girlfriend. Been on 2 dates, Ive been kissed once. I crave intimacy. Several years ago due to my health I was put in a position where I almost starved to death, literally, the doctors freaked out, I went from obese to dangerously skinny in months, I was dropping a pants size every few days. It was bad. I simply was unable to eat much. I say this, because my desire for food at those moments when I was starving, when I would dream about food, when I would randomly smell phantom foods as I went to bed, when I would see food and just stare at it, mouth watering. That desire for food is a pale,pathetic, and weak thing compared to the desire I have for emotional intimacy with a woman, the right woman. Ive never been in love. There have been times when I had friends who would be going through stuff and they were going through something with a girl and they looked at me and said something about "you know" or something like that, and then realized what they said cause they knew I was looking for someone, and then I just had to honestly look at him and say "man, I'm sorry, I just don't, I can't relate, I can imagine it really sucks but I have no idea what it feels like to be where you are right now".

With my health keeping me trapped at home unable to date, I go months without seeing people I don't live with (aka family), everyone on facebook is getting married, I'm still without ever having HAD a girlfriend. Every time I see a couple kiss on tv, or even hold hands I flash back the the only kiss I ever had, she lead me on so its not a great memory, but I tear up much of the time because it hurts so badly how much I want to be in love.

But I can't, I'm unable to meet people because of my health, I'm unable to even meet someone at a coffee shop. I'm unable to hold a job or work, I sit at home all day. I try to busy myself but when I'm sick I can go a month doing nothing but netflix and video games (and lustful activities unfortunately) because I'm physically unable to do more. Ive been to doctors all over the country. I am STILL going to doctors. However, they have been no use, they cannot make my life more livable.

This is a bad scenario. My mind becomes an echo chamber. All of the frustration with EVERYTHING seems to manifest in a desire to hug a woman and cuddle up next to her. For her to be there for me and me for her. But I can't have that right now and Ive exhausted every possible way to make it happen. Its simply not happening.

My friends come from online, some of them are women. This woman recently, Ive known her for over 6 months, if not a year. We know whats going on in each others lives, we talk, we are friends who care about each other as friends. Sometimes we would get flirty but recently its been more so. Then this happened, and then.... I think it will happen again. There are a million reasons for why I do this. I can't have the emotional intimacy of a relationship, but doing sexual stuff with a woman I care for and who care for me (even if just as friends) is as close as Ive ever gotten, sad as that is (and I understand its a LONG way away from actual emotional intimacy). But...its hard to say. But, sigh, during "it" she had her camera on (I didn't, and won't which she knows) and moved around and I saw her face (which she kept out of the picture while this was going on for obvious reasons), her smile. Thats all I could think about. Everything we were doing, but her smile was the thing I liked the most. Later we were talking and she was on camera and a little frustrated and her face was so cute. I like her just as a friend, but Ive never had someone want me romantically like this. One other woman online sorta did, and there was the girl who lead me on. So, to be wanted, to have someone attracted to me, to feel SOME level of closeness and connection with a woman. These things cloud my mind, and my head becomes an echo chamber due to the isolated nature of my living. These aren't excuses, but you ask why I want to do it again. Because I felt.....wanted, desired, close to woman. Sometimes when viewing porn I'll cry, because I'm so lonely, sometimes I just cry cause I'm lonely. Not massive weeping, but tears runing down my face. Porn is an escape for that, and cybersex is as close as I can get to love, as far away from love as it is.

And this woman, I know from talking with her for so long, that she doesn't just do "casual sex", her friends do and she finds it very distasteful. She isn't christian, and is very much not living a christian life, but she isn't christian so thats to be expected. So I know that the fact she will do it with me, is not completely devoid of emotion, we have talked about that, and that makes me feel wanted. Once again, that doesn't make it right, but it strengthens my desire to do it.

And frankly cybersex isn't as good as real sex.

no, its not, and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that, but like I said above. It feels like the only connection I can ever find with a woman at all. It feels hopeless, and it feels better than nothing. It ISN'T better than nothing, there is no excuse for what Ive done, or will probably do again, but when frustrated and tired and my head is screaming inside for some form of connection with a woman beyond "hi how was your day", its a lie I believe.

I should mention did you know you want to still have cybersex while asking for forgiveness? Because if you pray for forgiveness, bu at the same time are thinking of have more cybersex then you are taking advantage of Gods grace and thus your sin will not be forgiven

yes, and I hate myself for it. I ask God for forgiveness, sometimes in tears, hurting over what Ive done, but at the same time in the back of my mind there is this desire to do it, and I plan to fight it, but maybe a part of me knows I won't win. I don't want to take advantage of Gods grace, he has given me more than I deserve. I scream at myself when thinking of doing it "no no no" but once I start moving that direction, even so much as the smallest way, the avalanche starts and before long I'm completely consumed. I mean that literally, everything I am becomes consumed in this desire, to the degree where I barely exist anymore, only the desire for a woman. Or a specific woman in the case of lately. It tears me open, it hurts, i don't want to be this way but every time I try to stop I freeze, I'm paralyzed, I seem unable to do it, though I know I'm able to , I'm just not willing. But I don't want to be unwilling, I want to be strong and say no to sin. But I'm intoxicated with it, and I hate being that way. I really do, I wish I could violently take a knife and carve out the part of me that causes this sin. But in this cause its not my eye causing me to sin, nor even my male organs. Its something deeper, a fundamentally GOOD desire, the desire for intimacy, but I seek it outside the boundaries allowed by God, in a sinful way. How do you gouge out a desire? For I know from experience I can block all the paths to this desire in the world. I can yank out the internet, I can block everything, I can board myself up in my house, but this desire is so deep withinside me that external changes only change the way I engage the desire. Something has to change inside me, a very broken part of me needs healing, but there are many parts of me that need healing and haven't received it (believe me Ive ask, on all accounts). All I know in life at this point, and for the last few years, is almost exclusively pain and loneliness, with brief moments of true happiness or fellowship, and many moments of taking whatever I can get no matter how sinful it is.

I hate myself, you cannot begein to fathom the level of self hatred I have for my fleshly desires. More than once Ive desired to be beaten, or whipped, for my crimes. But Jesus took that for me, and in a sick messed up way I feel cheated, because I don't deserve mercy I deserve pain. I won't every deliver it upon myself, I have to much already with my health, which I'm starting to consider may have been the answer to a prayer. I want to stay a virgin till married, and I want to marry a virgin, hypocritical given the circumstances but its just how it is. Ive prayed, many times though not lately, that God would keep me and her virgins by any means necessarily, that he would grow us both towards him though any means necessary, and prepare us for each other through any means. I wonder sometimes, if my health is not an answer to prayer. To keep me in a box unable to destroy everyone around me and to protect me from myself until I get myself together and can walk right with God. Cause I'll be honest, I would love to beleive I would act purely , but there is a possiblity if I had never had this illness and could find women that I would have knocked someone up by now. Condoms break, and I think I probably would have gone through enough of them that eventually one would. because I have that desire in me.

I want a wife badly, but the truth is I'm scared, I'm scared I will corrupt anyone God brings to me, and I'm scared that I may not actually be capable of loving purely. That said, something IS difrent about me, I care for others, its one of the things I'm repeatedly told about myself from women Ive met online. That I'm sweet and kind and caring and stuff. Which I frankly don't see, but because I legitimately care about what they are going through, not because they are a woman but because I just CARE. I dunno, they see something difrent in me, that much is clear. I know I never gave a care about anyone else until I followed God and I'm scared that I'll go back to not caring, I really am. I genuinely care for my friends and those who sexual stuff happened with, I knew them a good while before anything sexual happened, we were certainly friends first by any account.

-------------

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Thank you so much for this post. You've helped more than you even know. I love you. And I know I'm just some random poster who came in, but I kinda had the same problem as the OP with struggling in sin. I don't mean to steal the focus, but I just had to say thank you for this.

thank you - but i was 'preachin' to me too; i've struggled with as well:

confession of the Truth is what sets free - not confession of a lie that agrees with the shouts of the flesh; the best way to get free of this is to find someone else to share it with - as you speak His words to others, they convince you

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

I say NONE of this as an excuse, however you ask questions, so I answered, I have sinned, and it eats me up. These are not excuese but explanations, about why I felt the need to do what I did, why I struggle with what I do, and why it is so hard to resist. None of this excuses my behavior, rather it shows that I have not chosen to fight harder as I should.




No, they are not free of sin. But there is a difference between someone who blatantly sinned before gettubg saved, someone struggling after they get saved, and me. I'm a man who after he got saved, after he got called to the ministry, after learned and growing closer to god, after learning and being shown amazing things, after tasting God in a way I can only describe as sweet and pleasant and joyful. After having God speak to me in ways that while rare some people on this site would not believe, after spending sime in school for ministry before having to stop. After all that, I still choose to sin, blatantly.

I struggled with lust all my life. About a year and a half ago I completely got past lust. I mean COMPLETELY, the idea of it sickened me, the idea of porn literally made me nauseous. I had no desire for it whatsoever. I was in school for ministry, spending 5-10 hours a day in growing with God. I was on the mountaintop for lack of a better way to describe it. Then classes ended, my health issues got worse (Ive been home bound for over a year at this point, its very frustrating and painful and VERY tedious). One thing lead to another, a scantily clad woman would appear online and I would immediately close the tab but the thought still in my mind. Eventually I "used" a picture online. Then the next day it was back to bindging on porn. So more time goes by, my relationship with God is struggling, I'm hating myself and seem unable to pull it together. I have moments where I sucedd, I shared with people at church, I put blockers on my computer. But I was always able to find SOMETHING arousing that was good enough to lust with. Then a month or 2 ago I was put on adhd meds, it was a miracle cure. Suddenly my thoughts were under control, I was no longer impulsive beyond all reason, I could sit down and work. I would work on my passions and hobbies all day every day (remember, still not able to leave my house), I filled every second with SOMETHING. My health was better, still unable to leave but I could function within my house now, my relationship God was becoming joyful again as I communed with him and I believe he was no longer grieving over my sins for I had placed them behind me, both porn and the occasional cybersex. I remember the first time I had cyber sex over voice chat, afterwords, I felt like I had lost something, something Ive never felt like Ive gotten back, I can't describe it other than its just gone, something physically feels gone.

But then, several things happened. My health crashed again, so I was stuck in a chair all day (more or less) unable to focus even on mental pursuits due to fatigue. Some equipment I have broke and is expensive to replace, so that I cannot focus on those hobbies that kept me busy in the few times I DID feel better. in this position loneliness crashed in on me, along with some depression, eventually....I caved and looked at porn if for no other reason than a escape. Leading to where I am now, I know if I could pull it together and just say "no" and make myself START working on a few things, I'm able to with the meds in me (can describe how much better my life is on those, seriously, 4 months worth of work became 4 days worth of work).But I still keep choosing to sin which I hate.




Ive never been in love. 23 years old, never had a girlfriend. Been on 2 dates, Ive been kissed once. I crave intimacy. Several years ago due to my health I was put in a position where I almost starved to death, literally, the doctors freaked out, I went from obese to dangerously skinny in months, I was dropping a pants size every few days. It was bad. I simply was unable to eat much. I say this, because my desire for food at those moments when I was starving, when I would dream about food, when I would randomly smell phantom foods as I went to bed, when I would see food and just stare at it, mouth watering. That desire for food is a pale,pathetic, and weak thing compared to the desire I have for emotional intimacy with a woman, the right woman. Ive never been in love. There have been times when I had friends who would be going through stuff and they were going through something with a girl and they looked at me and said something about "you know" or something like that, and then realized what they said cause they knew I was looking for someone, and then I just had to honestly look at him and say "man, I'm sorry, I just don't, I can't relate, I can imagine it really sucks but I have no idea what it feels like to be where you are right now".

With my health keeping me trapped at home unable to date, I go months without seeing people I don't live with (aka family), everyone on facebook is getting married, I'm still without ever having HAD a girlfriend. Every time I see a couple kiss on tv, or even hold hands I flash back the the only kiss I ever had, she lead me on so its not a great memory, but I tear up much of the time because it hurts so badly how much I want to be in love.

But I can't, I'm unable to meet people because of my health, I'm unable to even meet someone at a coffee shop. I'm unable to hold a job or work, I sit at home all day. I try to busy myself but when I'm sick I can go a month doing nothing but netflix and video games (and lustful activities unfortunately) because I'm physically unable to do more. Ive been to doctors all over the country. I am STILL going to doctors. However, they have been no use, they cannot make my life more livable.

This is a bad scenario. My mind becomes an echo chamber. All of the frustration with EVERYTHING seems to manifest in a desire to hug a woman and cuddle up next to her. For her to be there for me and me for her. But I can't have that right now and Ive exhausted every possible way to make it happen. Its simply not happening.

My friends come from online, some of them are women. This woman recently, Ive known her for over 6 months, if not a year. We know whats going on in each others lives, we talk, we are friends who care about each other as friends. Sometimes we would get flirty but recently its been more so. Then this happened, and then.... I think it will happen again. There are a million reasons for why I do this. I can't have the emotional intimacy of a relationship, but doing sexual stuff with a woman I care for and who care for me (even if just as friends) is as close as Ive ever gotten, sad as that is (and I understand its a LONG way away from actual emotional intimacy). But...its hard to say. But, sigh, during "it" she had her camera on (I didn't, and won't which she knows) and moved around and I saw her face (which she kept out of the picture while this was going on for obvious reasons), her smile. Thats all I could think about. Everything we were doing, but her smile was the thing I liked the most. Later we were talking and she was on camera and a little frustrated and her face was so cute. I like her just as a friend, but Ive never had someone want me romantically like this. One other woman online sorta did, and there was the girl who lead me on. So, to be wanted, to have someone attracted to me, to feel SOME level of closeness and connection with a woman. These things cloud my mind, and my head becomes an echo chamber due to the isolated nature of my living. These aren't excuses, but you ask why I want to do it again. Because I felt.....wanted, desired, close to woman. Sometimes when viewing porn I'll cry, because I'm so lonely, sometimes I just cry cause I'm lonely. Not massive weeping, but tears runing down my face. Porn is an escape for that, and cybersex is as close as I can get to love, as far away from love as it is.

And this woman, I know from talking with her for so long, that she doesn't just do "casual sex", her friends do and she finds it very distasteful. She isn't christian, and is very much not living a christian life, but she isn't christian so thats to be expected. So I know that the fact she will do it with me, is not completely devoid of emotion, we have talked about that, and that makes me feel wanted. Once again, that doesn't make it right, but it strengthens my desire to do it.



no, its not, and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that, but like I said above. It feels like the only connection I can ever find with a woman at all. It feels hopeless, and it feels better than nothing. It ISN'T better than nothing, there is no excuse for what Ive done, or will probably do again, but when frustrated and tired and my head is screaming inside for some form of connection with a woman beyond "hi how was your day", its a lie I believe.



yes, and I hate myself for it. I ask God for forgiveness, sometimes in tears, hurting over what Ive done, but at the same time in the back of my mind there is this desire to do it, and I plan to fight it, but maybe a part of me knows I won't win. I don't want to take advantage of Gods grace, he has given me more than I deserve. I scream at myself when thinking of doing it "no no no" but once I start moving that direction, even so much as the smallest way, the avalanche starts and before long I'm completely consumed. I mean that literally, everything I am becomes consumed in this desire, to the degree where I barely exist anymore, only the desire for a woman. Or a specific woman in the case of lately. It tears me open, it hurts, i don't want to be this way but every time I try to stop I freeze, I'm paralyzed, I seem unable to do it, though I know I'm able to , I'm just not willing. But I don't want to be unwilling, I want to be strong and say no to sin. But I'm intoxicated with it, and I hate being that way. I really do, I wish I could violently take a knife and carve out the part of me that causes this sin. But in this cause its not my eye causing me to sin, nor even my male organs. Its something deeper, a fundamentally GOOD desire, the desire for intimacy, but I seek it outside the boundaries allowed by God, in a sinful way. How do you gouge out a desire? For I know from experience I can block all the paths to this desire in the world. I can yank out the internet, I can block everything, I can board myself up in my house, but this desire is so deep withinside me that external changes only change the way I engage the desire. Something has to change inside me, a very broken part of me needs healing, but there are many parts of me that need healing and haven't received it (believe me Ive ask, on all accounts). All I know in life at this point, and for the last few years, is almost exclusively pain and loneliness, with brief moments of true happiness or fellowship, and many moments of taking whatever I can get no matter how sinful it is.

I hate myself, you cannot begein to fathom the level of self hatred I have for my fleshly desires. More than once Ive desired to be beaten, or whipped, for my crimes. But Jesus took that for me, and in a sick messed up way I feel cheated, because I don't deserve mercy I deserve pain. I won't every deliver it upon myself, I have to much already with my health, which I'm starting to consider may have been the answer to a prayer. I want to stay a virgin till married, and I want to marry a virgin, hypocritical given the circumstances but its just how it is. Ive prayed, many times though not lately, that God would keep me and her virgins by any means necessarily, that he would grow us both towards him though any means necessary, and prepare us for each other through any means. I wonder sometimes, if my health is not an answer to prayer. To keep me in a box unable to destroy everyone around me and to protect me from myself until I get myself together and can walk right with God. Cause I'll be honest, I would love to beleive I would act purely , but there is a possiblity if I had never had this illness and could find women that I would have knocked someone up by now. Condoms break, and I think I probably would have gone through enough of them that eventually one would. because I have that desire in me.

I want a wife badly, but the truth is I'm scared, I'm scared I will corrupt anyone God brings to me, and I'm scared that I may not actually be capable of loving purely. That said, something IS difrent about me, I care for others, its one of the things I'm repeatedly told about myself from women Ive met online. That I'm sweet and kind and caring and stuff. Which I frankly don't see, but because I legitimately care about what they are going through, not because they are a woman but because I just CARE. I dunno, they see something difrent in me, that much is clear. I know I never gave a care about anyone else until I followed God and I'm scared that I'll go back to not caring, I really am. I genuinely care for my friends and those who sexual stuff happened with, I knew them a good while before anything sexual happened, we were certainly friends first by any account.

-------------

ok; i'm saying this out of love (whenever someone says that to me, i can expect that i won't like what they have to say when i first hear it...)

when you reject grace, all that is left is judgement; not that God is going to judge you and punish you - Jesus took the rap for what you're doing now - but that you will judge yourself as time goes by and torture yourself for this, and in so doing, you'll help your enemy the devil to steal your joy - your strength - that's his underlying plan.

if you reject the heaven message, all that's left is the one about hell - i'm not talking about your eternal destination because you've already missed eternal hell by receiving spiritual rebirth - i'm talking about living hell in this life between right now and when you finally go to be with the Lord decades from now - if you give in here, you'll have to listen to the devil remind you about it over and over and over again as you go through THIS life.

go back and count the number of times you used the words "I' or "me" or 'My" or some other form of this personal pronoun in your last post; now answer me this - what about this woman your helping the devil to corrupt? has it not occurred to you that he might have set a trap that will take her life and send her to hell, and you are a key part of it? after all, let's face it - you aren't in fellowship with God about this, so by default you are in fellowship with the devil himself - helping him to steal, kill, and destroy - the one who would use her to help him steal your mortal life from you - and it hasn't occurred to you that he would be just as happy to use you to help him steal her mortal life? aren't you as dangerous to her as the woman in the Proverb you referred to? you've got a firm grip of how dangerous she is to you - what about how dangerous you are to her? you've missed eternal hell - what about her? now don't stop reading so you can punish yourself just yet...

Php 4:13 KJV
(13) I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

THAT's what you need to be telling us - that you know you CAN'T resist this alone - BUT that you are NOT alone and NEVER will be again - the GREATER ONE is inside of you! the ALMIGHTY! and that you not only CAN overcome this, but that by His grace, YOU WILL!!! THAT'S how you release faith, Brother; not by giving your flesh the authority over your life that's in your words - but by saying what GOD said about you! you are the king of your own life - decree what God has said, not what your flesh is saying!

Mat 12:35-37 KJV
(35) A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.
(36) But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
(37) For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

come on now - let me hear it - let me hear you confess what your Master and the Savior of your life told you was true! that you can do all things, including resist this temptation, through Christ which strengthens you! type it out as you say it in your next reply!

Rev 12:11 KJV
(11) And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

 

[Sketcher]

The context of the Hebrews passage is that Christ has utterly replaced the old way of sacrificing for forgiveness. Basically, it says, if you believe in Jesus, but then go back to the Jewish rituals of sacrificing for sins to get forgiveness, then that won't do it anymore, there isn't forgiveness or remission for sins outside Christ. If the interpretation that has you worried is right, then I think we're all probably toast, we all have our bad moments. I defer to 1 John on this:

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.​

 

[anewman1993]

I....I screw up, big time, even worse. This time.....there was video of me as well as of her, and it wasn't modest. I broke every rule Ive ever placed for myself. I'm sitting here, shaking, trembling, Ive wept and sobbed. Me and her, we agreeded never to do this again. But I'm still going to talk to her much less. I'm going to talk to everyone much less. Ive been trying to lean on people to much in my loneliness, so its time I experience that lonliness and deal with it. I'm ashamed, so ashamed, of what Ive done. We skyped, so unless she recorded a video of it then there shouldn't be a trace of what happened, but if she is lying (which I don't think she is since she is asking me to delete her stuff she sent me and from what Ive gathered over the last 6 months of knowing her), but if she is.....I just placed a live nuclear bomb out in the world that could end anything I ever do for God no matter how much of a sanctified life I lead from here on out. I'm scared, I'm trembling even writing this, my hands are shaking. I keep forcing myself to take deep breaths. I never wanted to do that, I never thought I was capable of doing that. I'm wrapping up all my online accounts I use to talk to people. Those who I talk to innocently will be given an alternate way to contact me (still anonymous) those that I do not need to speak to anymore will be faded away. This girl, I must keep talking to though. We have agreed not to do this anymore, to the level that she has told me even if I want to she isn't going to do it because she doesn't want me doing something that makes me feel guilty. I'm still terrified though, years of "internet safety" drilled into my head and I'm scared that video is out there somewhere, I'm paranoid, so I can't just vanish.

Ive got to do something though, this isn't acceptable. I literally may have in one night done something that can be used to destroy everything I build from here on out if it comes out. Skype supposedly doesn't record its calls, but she could have (though I think she didn't), and there is no telling what spyware is on the internet, its probably out there somewhere now. That terrifies me cause at one point the camera fell and part of my face was visible as well as my room which anyone who has ever been over here will recognize. I'm terrified guys, I'm so freaking terrified. This is THE biggest mistake Ive ever made in my entire life, nothing comes close, nothing at all. I cannot believe I did this. Ive sobbed and in the shower earlier I felt such pain I can't describe, it was like my chest and insides just started trying to tear themselves apart from the inside. I saw a knife nearby an for the firs time in my life I wanted to slash it across my arm to feel the pain I should, because I should be punished. I didn't, but I wanted to , I deserve to. Maybe a visible scar would be a reminder to me, I won't do it, but I want to. I'm scared, I'm scared of punishment from God, to think this will not invoke discipline is naive, especially not from someone headed to ministry, thats if I didn't just disqualify myself and God decides to change that.

the only reasons I'm not screaming at the top of my lungs in horror or wailing is because I live with family. I can barely control that though, my hands are still shaking. I did this horrific thing, this horrible thing. One day I'll have to tell a future spouse what Ive done, if I ever get married, I'm not sure I will ever be able to pursue a woman in purity. Maybe its better for everyone if I forsake the thought of a wife for the rest of my life, it would make things simpler and at least I would expect the pain of loneliness and learn not to dwell on it.

How can I come back from this, how can I say ANYTHING about the bible, how can I EVER instruct ANYONE. How can I do anything. Ive confessed all my other sins to people in my life, this one though, I feel I may never be able to do. How can tell anyone this? They know I want to go into ministry, they at times look at me and respect what put together from scripture. How can I tell them I showed myself sexually to someone online? I think I may have just rang the death bell for ever being in ministry, or effectively at least.

How am I saved? how , this wasn't an accident but a choice, a choice I made. How can there be any redemption for me?

but that you will judge yourself as time goes by and torture yourself for this, and in so doing, you'll help your enemy the devil to steal your joy - your strength - that's his underlying plan.

if you reject the heaven message, all that's left is the one about hell - i'm not talking about your eternal destination because you've already missed eternal hell by receiving spiritual rebirth - i'm talking about living hell in this life between right now and when you finally go to be with the Lord decades from now - if you give in here, you'll have to listen to the devil remind you about it over and over and over again as you go through THIS life.

Do I not deserve to be devoid of joy? Do I not deserve this hell I'm in? Does the bible not tell me to mourn and weep for my sin?

THAT's what you need to be telling us - that you know you CAN'T resist this alone - BUT that you are NOT alone and NEVER will be again - the GREATER ONE is inside of you! the ALMIGHTY! and that you not only CAN overcome this, but that by His grace, YOU WILL!!! THAT'S how you release faith, Brother; not by giving your flesh the authority over your life that's in your words - but by saying what GOD said about you! you are the king of your own life - decree what God has said, not what your flesh is saying!

I prayed so much for strength today, i said "no" 100 times, but I still did it,maybe I'm to far gone, maybe he has left me and there is no power to save me. I don't think thats entirely the case, otherwise how could I feel such a deep regret?

37) For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

This verse haunts me. You have no idea how afraid I am to stand before God. Ive made a mockery of him, I say I love im but my actions speak of hate. I'm afraid to even pray, I'm afraid I'll ask him to just kill me and I'm afraid he will do it, and I'm afraid I"ll find myself in hell. Ive long since abandoned any thoughts of heaven as a home, I simply hope God is merciful enough to let me stand near the gate and beg for food, or whatever the equivalent of that in heaven is. For now, I hope he is merciful enough to destroy any evidence of this.

You touched on this in one of your comments and I mentioned it in my original post (i think), I'm terrified of what my danger to her is. Personally I don't think she was really in a position to be corrupted by me, she is living a life full of sin and see's nothing wrong for it and has some contempt for the rules of religion. But none the less, I'm just another christian who has shown themselves to be a hypocrite. She knows I want to be a pastor, I very well may be the thing she can never look past, I may be the reason she chooses hell. I have to live with that, not for the rest of my life but of all of eternity regardless of if I'm in heaven or hell.

I can't handle this, I can't handle this guilt, or fear, or anything. I have half a mind to go down stairs and spill my guts to my father, he knows I struggle with porn. But.........I don't know if I can look anyone in the face if they know what I did tonight. I'm sitting here writting this, tears streaming down my face, unable to see straight, my entire body shaking. I'm so scared, of God, of the future, of my future, of the potential backlash of this. Of looking a future wife in the face to tell her of this, to tell anyone at all, of wondering if I will ever be able to open my mouth to speak about god ever again in my life, much less go on to be a pastor.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

you're asking the right question now - how do you overcome this - and the answer is still the same:

Rev 12:11 KJV
(11) And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

you're on a roller coaster - and the only way to stop the ride is with your own words - your testimony - you've already receive the eternal benefit of His Blood, now add to that the word of your testimony

Rom 8:1-9 KJV
(1) There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
(2) For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
(3) For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
(4) That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
(5) For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
(6) For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
(7) Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
(8) So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.
(9) But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.

you've got to start agreeing with God - not just about the unworthiness of your flesh, but also about the complete worthiness of your spirit that overrides the unworthiness of your flesh - you've got to start calling those things that be not as though they were - like your Father God does - change your words, and you'll change your life.

come on now - let me hear it - let me hear you confess what your Master and the Savior of your life told you was true! that you can do all things, including resist this temptation, through Christ which strengthens you! type it out as you say it in your next reply!

 

[anewman1993]

There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit

But I AM walking after the flesh, I mean, what I did last night, thats the definition of walking after the flesh. No care at all of what God thought once things started, at that point I only cared about what I wanted to feel, what I desired, and it wasn't Godly. Before? I cared about what God wanted. After? I cared about what God wanted. Durring? I couldn't have cared at all, every now and then I though "I should stop before this goes further", but instead I went further, and further, and further, until I did things I NEVER thought I would do, not in my entire life, never.

come on now - let me hear it - let me hear you confess what your Master and the Savior of your life told you was true! that you can do all things, including resist this temptation, through Christ which strengthens you! type it out as you say it in your next reply!

How can I do that? how can I pursue ministry, how can I do any of this? I blatantly sinned, putting my own desires above God, I rebelled against what he said, I gave myself over to my desires. Ive decided tonight to speak to my Dad about this, because I have to tell someone, and I need accountability, and it sucks to talk to a parent about this stuff. But I need accountability, even if its literally just him randomly walking into my room unannounced regularly. I'm scared he is going to give some sort of ultimatum or something, but Ive got to talk to someone, no matter how horrible it makes me feel. Because I do not physically have the capability to stop myself with this stuff, Ive been trying for years and every time I make progress I eventually screw up and do something worse, but this, this is a line I never thought I would cross. I did this yesterday and I'm still shaking if I think about it.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I am not a doctor, nor are we really allowed to give medical advice. But have you talked to a doctor? You seem beyond hard on yourself. Yes you are defiantly in sin but something else seems off. Have you seen a doctor about this. Like maybe there is something else going on mentally? BTW I am nto a doctor nor are we to give medical advice really.

Its good at least you told your dad. It may be hard to do so but its worth it. Just be honest with him whenever you feel the urge to do something you shouldn't. Doesn't matter if hes asleep, busy...etc. I know many who have accountability patterns but don't really talk them to much. It also helps to have one that also has the same issues as you. This way you understand each other better and can help. I use software on my computer that blocks porn and most temptations. I don't think it can do much though in terms of cybersex. However the program lets you enable a password. So lets say for example your cybering on a chat through a website. You can add the website to your block list. Then have your dad come in and create a password. This way when you feel the need to look/do something you can't access the site and you won't know the password so you also can't unblock it.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

But I AM walking after the flesh, I mean, what I did last night, thats the definition of walking after the flesh. No care at all of what God thought once things started, at that point I only cared about what I wanted to feel, what I desired, and it wasn't Godly. Before? I cared about what God wanted. After? I cared about what God wanted. Durring? I couldn't have cared at all, every now and then I though "I should stop before this goes further", but instead I went further, and further, and further, until I did things I NEVER thought I would do, not in my entire life, never.

How can I do that? how can I pursue ministry, how can I do any of this? I blatantly sinned, putting my own desires above God, I rebelled against what he said, I gave myself over to my desires. Ive decided tonight to speak to my Dad about this, because I have to tell someone, and I need accountability, and it sucks to talk to a parent about this stuff. But I need accountability, even if its literally just him randomly walking into my room unannounced regularly. I'm scared he is going to give some sort of ultimatum or something, but Ive got to talk to someone, no matter how horrible it makes me feel. Because I do not physically have the capability to stop myself with this stuff, Ive been trying for years and every time I make progress I eventually screw up and do something worse, but this, this is a line I never thought I would cross. I did this yesterday and I'm still shaking if I think about it.

every morning when i get up, i get up 'walking after the flesh' - that's my natural state - it's everyone's natural state. i usually listen to a teaching (sermon with a point ) on the way to work, and by the time i get to work i'm 'walking after the Spirit' (unless sombody ticks me off on the drive in ). 30 minutes later, after interacting with a few lost folks, i might be walking after the flesh again . i keep bluegrass gospel playing at a low level on my pc, and once i get back to my desk for a few uninterrupted minutes, that usually puts me back to walking after the Spirit again - the point is, i don't 'walk after the Spirit' OR 'walk after the flesh', i alternate - if i ALWAYS walk after the Spirit, i'll never sin, so quite obviously i do not continuously walk after the Spirit .

you can't stop your sin cold, you have to starve it. if you feed it, the desire will get stronger. if you starve it, the desire will get weaker. the strength of sin is the law (1Cor 15:56), not the lust of the flesh; this can be difficult to grasp, because we naturally tend to think that the strength of sin is lust - but according to 1Cor 25:56, it's the law that strengthens sin - not that the law is in itself sinful by any means - but that the law temps the flesh to strive to keep the law out of pride - so i guess you could say that the law strengthens lust, and lust strengthens sin - but the net result is that the strength of sin is the law (1Cor 15:56).

so because you have proven that you can't keep the law, you feel you can't pursue ministry,etc. - right? yet you do see that you walked after the Spirit before and after you violated the law. you've been struggling with this problem to varying degrees for years - and that struggle has caused you to focus on the law that you are violating, and so that strengthens your desire to sin even more, which draws yor focus back to the law you've been violating; and that causes you to desire to sin even more, and so on, and so on, and so on, until one day you find yourself doing something that you would have never considered at one point on your life - because of the law. you are on a repeating cycle, and the only way you are going to break that cycle is to do something different.

all sin begins with the imagination; you can't stop thinking - you're going to be thinking about something every waking minute; if you don't plan on what you think on ahead of time, your thoughts will drift to the flesh - that's your natural state too, just like it is for me and everyone else. my advice is to resolve within yourself that when you find yourself getting bored, listen to a good faith teaching. you're familiar with the Bible, and you think you understand it (and no doubt do understand a portion), but like me and everyone esle, theres a lot more to the bible than you know there is. this is doing something different that you won't always enjoy at first, but over time you'll begin to notice that your flesh's desire has weakened; and you have learned some things about God that you would have never figured out in a vacuum.

but the first step is to go back to my first post (post # 2 in this thread) and re-familiarize yourself with why you shouldn't be punishing yourself - then try this:

http://www.moorelife.org/listseries.php?xml=rss/TruthOrTradition.xml

 

[mytel]

We need to rely on Christ at all times, especially during these types of situations. Not in our own strength, but through God only. The Grace that has been freely given is what we need to focus on and believe in. I think understanding and reminding ourselves of this daily is so important. It is through His blood, not our efforts or our performance. I will be praying for you.

 

[aiki]

Um, not to derail the good conversation you've got going with DHLT, but may I suggest that you aren't thinking about yourself and your role in the struggle you're having with sexual lust in a biblical way? As one wise man has put it, for the Christian "the way up is down." Or, to put it another way, there is no victory until there is surrender. Let me explain: you can't do anything in and of yourself to deal with your Self. You will only ever produce more of YOU.

Jesus calls all of his disciples to take up their cross daily and follow him. But have you ever thought about what that means? A cross is a device of torture and death. We take up the cross in order to die upon it to ourselves and to sin. Can anyone crucify themself on a cross, though? If you could endure the horrible pain of staking a nail through your hand and feet how would you nail down your final hand, the one holding the hammer? And how, being nailed to a cross, would you get the cross standing upright? Clearly, no one can crucify themself. And this is true spiritually, too. That position of spiritual crucifixion, of death to Self and Sin, that you and I are supposed to take up every day is not something we can ever do alone. Paul the apostle explains:

Galatians 2:20
20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Romans 6:6-7
6 knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.
7 For he who has died has been freed from sin.

Did you get that last part? "He who has died has been freed from sin." Paul also writes of the Colossian believers:

Colossians 3:3
3 For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

Our spiritual union with Christ in his crucifixion and death frees us from the power of sin. We died with him - spiritually speaking - some 2000 years ago. And as we "reckon" it so (Ro. 6:11), as we by faith count on it being true, we begin to experience the truth of our crucifixion with Christ in our coming free of the power of sin. Get this straight: There is no real victory over sin without identifying with Christ in his crucifixion and reckoning oneself dead to sin and alive unto God through Jesus Christ. One might be able to corral one's evil impulses for a time, to suppress them for short periods, but unless one understands their death to Self and Sin, there can never be consistent and persistent victory over sin.

One other thing is necessary to victory over sin: surrender.

Romans 6:12-14
12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts.
13 And do not yield your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but yield yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God.
14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

James 4:6-10
6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: "God resists the proud,But gives grace to the humble."
7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

1 Peter 5:5, 6
5... be clothed with humility, for "God resists the proud,But gives grace to the humble."
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,

In God's economy of things, the way up is down. If you want to be exalted by God, you must first get low before Him. Too often we want God's help, but we don't want His absolute rule; we want His joy, and peace, and power, but we don't want to submit to His will and way; we want an end to the struggle with temptation, but we don't want to yield to His authority. But the only way to be truly victorious over Sin and Self is to surrender to God. I'm not talking about a mere willingness to be used by God. I'm talking about yielding up your will and way, your rights and desires, to God. It's one thing to say, "I want God to use me!" It's quite another to say, "In this moment, God, I yield myself, my will, to yours." This is, however, the example Christ gave us to follow:

Luke 22:41-42
41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,
42 Saying, Father, if you be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but yours, be done.

Can you imagine the powerful human impulse for survival, to escape pain, to avoid death that was raging within Jesus when he prayed this? But it was in total surrender to his Father's will that he was able to deny his fleshly impulses and accomplish the greatest act of love, mercy and redemption of all time. And it's just the same for us. If we want victory over our own fleshly impulses, we must yield ourselves to God as often as necessary, relying entirely upon Him to give us the capacity to be the godly people He wants us to be.

Selah.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

how are you Brother?

 

[anewman1993]

how are you Brother?

Honestly? Still really struggling, still making mistakes, but I have accountability, and thats good, I'm trying to spend more time in the word. I'm just completely torn up. On another site I'm pretty active as a christian, its not a christian site though it has a christian forum. I try to help people understand the bible, or at the least show them various scriptures and let them work through it themselves. Yesterday was rough in that regards. Its very emotionally draining to deal with all that negativity and at times hate towards Christianity, but whatever I wrote blew up to some degree and I got lots of question, so I tried to answer. Today Ive got over 20 messages waiting to reply to on top of the 30 or 40 I replied to yesterday. Some where just Christians encouraging me and thanking me, which frankly was good cause I needed it, but most are very negative attacking comments. But I messed up last night, no video with a girl but, we did do stuff together. I don't know how I can go answer anyone's questions about the bible considering what Ive done. Like, how can I go from what I did last night, to speaking about scripture. How can I say I love God when scripture tells me a love of God is obeying him and I didn't obey him? Those people don't know what Ive done, but I do. I want to be a pastor, but I don't want to be just another preacher who stands up, says the right things, and looks all good, but goes home and has some deeply hidden sins that he continually falls into. I don't want that. But thats the direction I'm heading. At the same time I don't know how to stop, I swear, for a person as horrible with women as I am I somehow have the magic ability to find women online and get them to drop their pants. Like, I feel like if a person isn't a STRONG christian and I talk to them, then eventually i'll get what I "want" which is something sexual. which isn't really what I want, because I enjoy normal conversation with them, its not like I'm just using them for that means. Which only makes all this the more dificult because I don't want to say "screw all you people, I pressured you into doing stuff with me, but now cause I was able to pressure you into doing stuff I don't want to talk to you anymore", and I'm not kidding, I'm the one who instigates this stuff. I don't think ANY woman Ive talked to online has been this instigator. Its always me. They know I'm christian, some know I want to be a pastor, yet I consistently do this. They even know that I don't want to do this and TRY to prevent me from doing it but I'm good enough with words that I can get them thinking I'm ok with it. I hate who Ive become online. I'm scared to death its going to come back and bite me, I already know it has. Porn is a "meh" issue for me, its always been an big issue but its not doing it for me anymore, I need the connection, Ive always wanted a connection with someone somehow, and this is how I get it, but its wrong and I don't want to do it.

I'm honestly scared, like, on an intellectual level I know that I don't need to go anywhere near women in real life, I'm not sure I'm capable of pursuing a woman in the right way at this point, I'm not even sure I like the idea of only talking/flirting with ONE woman. I hate that, but its probably true. I'm trying to slowly let friendships with the people online fade away, its hard though because they are real people with real feelings and emotions. I don't want them to think I judge them, and if I'm going to be brutally honest some of them really need a friend right now in life. But it seems like when I get a relationship with one woman to where that stuff doesn't happen anymore, I simply move and start with another, and then when I stop with her I move to another, letting the other friendships actually become platonic. If I run out of people I go online and find them, I don't even know HOW I'm finding them, I honestly don't, something about me get through womens guards or something. I hate it, why do I have to act like this? Why can't I just act like Christ wants me to? Cause thats what I want most of all, but in the moment, I say "no" to conviction and go ahead and do it.