I really need some advice!! fast!!

[Newlyfoundheart17]

Hi, am an not really new here I just don't post all that often, but me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. We have a good relationship and we are both happy except for one thing... HIS MOTHER... she is a christian woman that will preach the gospel for hours if you get her going and it really sounds like she means it, but then she will turn around and humilate her children and hurt me in several different ways. She would never physically beat her children, but she is very abusive to them mentally and emotionally and never takes blame or apologizes for what she does. I am very upset because she has laid into me hard lately, and has made me feel as if I am a horrible person. She tries to yell at me and tell me that i don't appreciate her sons music and tells me to leave now because it will never work between the two of us, because I don't appreciate him. The funny thing is that I do apprecaite him and I am the only one he comes crying to when he is beaten down by HER. I love him with all of my heart and appreciates everything he does. I would lay down my life to save him from harm. I am also very upset about how she treats her 13 year old daughter. For example yesterday her daughter bought a swim suit but felt that it was too revealing and asked for her mom to look and tell her what she thought. Well her mother went in her room and dragged her downstairs into the living room where me, her 2 brothers, and 2 of my boyfriends friends were and told her to turn around so that they could tell her if it was revealing or not!!! I find that to be extremely wrong, because its not like she actually liked the way the bathing suit fit and was proud... she was self concious and felt the bathing suit was too sexy. NOW WHY WOULD SHE DRAG HER DOWNSTAIRS TO HAVE BOYS STARE AT HER PRIVATE PARTS. I don't know what to do around his mother anymore. I just don't know what to do. At the moment I am also upset because my boyfriends 13 year old sister was hit today, becuase she was in the room while her mother was gossiping and lying about me and she confronted her mother saying that she shouldn't do that and that it was horrible for her to lie about me like that because I would never do stuff like that. Well like I said she was hit and told that she is not allowed to have any opinion and told that if she kept it up she was going to be sent away. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING BUT I DON'T FEEL IT IS MY PLACE, BUT SHE IS RUINING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND, THE MAN THAT I LOVE BECAUSE OF THE WAY THAT SHE MANIPULATES AND TRIES TO CONTROL US. PLEASE HELP!!
I also don't know what to do to try and help his sister, I love her. I never had a younger sister and she is a sweetheart, but she needs help, she really does and I don't know what to do. The other day she told me she was furious with god because he lets her mom do this stuff to her. I tried telling her that it is not god that is letting her mom do it, and that god will one day hold her accountable and she will see the hurt that she has caused her but at the moment that is not enough for her. PLEASE REPLY I NEED SUGGESTIONS!

 

[John the Engineer]

Not the same exact circumstances but I'm dealing with a significant other's Mom right now too. I can only tell you that if your boyfriend isn't willing to stand up for you, then you need to get out of the relationship. If after three years he's perfectly willing to let his Mom treat you like that, whether or not he was there or not, then he's not going to be a good husband. PERIOD. You need to tell him, he needs to stand up for you. In this relationship and in the future as a potential husband he needs to be your covering. If he's defending his Mom or trying to give excuses for her behavior and not defending you and your heart then it's time to get out.

If he is willing to defend you, then he has to defend you. And he needs to take the responsibility to stand up for your relationship. My Dad will not leave my Mom in any situation where she is emotionally attacked, and if my Mom can't get out of it you better believe my Dad will do everything in his power to be there for her. This is not just a Christian idea but a relationship idea. I have friends who are not Christian who follow this same path.

After three years, are you contemplating marriage? If so then maybe it's time to make serious plans. Maybe it's time for you two to look at setting up your own lives, and if your parents are supportive then maybe it's time to lean on them a bit to support you two more and be the "family" you both need to nurture and grow a healthy relationship. If not your parents then find Godly "parents" that can help you both. You're both of age to choose your "wise councel" whether it be your own parents or others.

As for the sister, she has to stand up for herself for one. You can only be there for her. Given that you're likely not on your own yet, there's only so much help you can provide. If you are serious about helping someone then you need to find out what you have to do to be able to provide the help you want to provide. And if the sister feels the desire then she can declare herself an emancipated minor and leave her Mom. But if she refuses to stand up for herself then there's not much you can do. With a Mom like that it's likely that anything you do to defend her will backfire and end up causing the sister more pain.

My girlfriend is under a very abusive Mom. I won't get into the details yet again but my girlfriend (now ex girlfriend sort of) doesn't feel she can stand up for herself, so I can't do anything to help her other than tell her I'll be there for her if she decides to stand up for herself.

You can't fight this woman yourself. You're obviously "taking her little boy" and that frightens her. I've seen Mom's hate for much lesser reasons (you want to know how lesser, PM me and I'll tell you how low Mom's will go) But he needs to be there for you, not for his Mom.

I believe that when God stated "Honor Your Father and Mother" he meant for us to not deface them, but he also did not mean for us to allow them to be as abusive as they wanted. Especially when they pursue actions that are un-Christian. Doing that to a 13 year old girl is cruel. If she really was hit then she needs to be reported to Social Services. That is one action you, or your boyfriend, can take, but I warn you of the fact that it will cause a huge rift. And if the sister's life gets hard because of it, and she is not allowed to make the choice to stand up, she may end up blaming it all on you. Don't let her fall into foster care or something by your choice. If you're willing to take her in, or your boyfriend is, or the two of you together, then do it. But don't leave her stranded. But also keep in mind that she is 13, and by Jewish tradition, the basis of Christianity, she is an adult. She has the right to make her own decisions. And she has to.

 

[Newlyfoundheart17]

Thank you... although my boyfriend does stand up for me as much as he can and actually gets hurt more when he does. Somehow she has convinced all eight of her children that they can't live without her, so when she hurts them it really really hurts. you know what I mean. But the ones that can leave have taken yoru advice and have left they all live at seperate sides of the country because once they turned 18 they jetted out of their. As of the beginning of June that will be possible for us. So the situation is that they tries and he is put through alot of hardship and turmoil because he stands up for me and I would like to have a bigger part in defending my self becuase I don't like the strain that he is being put under. Also I feel like I am tearing the two of them apart. I know deep down I am not but the part of my that she has beaten down that I am trying to build up agian unsuccessfully is telling me that I am ruining the relationship with him and his mother. I am just kind of sad because I find it horrible that all of the siblings are without eachother just to get away from her.

 

[FarFromHome]

I was checking your profile and noticed you're from IL. I wonder if it's something with Illinois women. My grandmother is just like your bf's mother. She is extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. She actually went to college to get a psycology degree so that she could learn how to better manipulate people to her bidding.

My grandmother constantly preaches at all of us and thinks that no one is as perfect as she is. She preaches against divorce, yet tells my mom constantly that when all the kids get out of the house that my dad is going to divorce her. She once showed up at our house while we were moving in, still unloading the truck actually. She was mad because we didn't have any food for her to eat. Well she never told us that she was driving down from Chicago to Alabama, she just showed up expecting that. She then blamed us for ruining her entire trip and said that if my mom knew what she was doing she would've had food prepared. Those are 2 things at the top of my head. I try not to remember her antics...

Like the advice given before, if he won't defend you the end the relationship. If he will defend you, then one of two things will happen. He will either reason with his mother (unlikely) or you will have to pretty much move on with your lives as far as you can get from her. That way you only have to see them on holidays or whatever. Bad thing about that is when you visit them she'll be 100 times worse than normal. At least it was in my experience

 

[serendipity79]

it is unfortunate that you have to deal with this. Some people have the wrong idea about what being a christian is. you don't have to be a fundamentalist to be a good christian. she probably doesn't realize she is doing anything wrong, perhaps she was raised that way. unfortunately she is this way and it is unlikely that she will change. as long as you and your boyfriend are able to put her out of your minds while you are together that is what is important. but in a relationship you do sort of become a member of your partners family. i will pray to god to help give you the guidance that you need and deserve. God bless you.

 

[John the Engineer]

Be careful to make sure your boyfriend doesn't get the hair brained idea that he "owes" her anything after he gets out. Sometimes kids get that idea and they return for holidays and such out of obligation. Remember that that's not the case. If you two have other available plans, even making your own, for holidays then by all means use those. She'll figure it out when she's spending all the holidays alone. My grandma did. Now the family is a lot happier because finally my Mom stood up to my grandma. Though I think my grandma was not quite as bad.

June, get away, and don't allow her to have any place in your life because she will use it to hurt you. Let her be the one to come back and apologize, don't force anything to work. And if you want to help the sister then you can help support her if you and your boyfriend are willing. However be sure that she understands that your covering will be one of rules, it's not just one long party.

Hope all works out.

 

[jesus_is_my_life]

Hey Newlyfound heart

Sounds to me like you really love your boyfriend and want the best for him...you have a beautiful heart. This is such a tough situation...I'll be praying for you to recieve guidance and wisdom in knowing what to do here and peace for your heart. And you know what? Maybe you and your boyfriend are trying to fight a battle that's too big for you. Maybe the Lord is saying for you both to "Be still and know that He is God." Sounds like this battle is for the Lord to fight on your behalf. No one's gonna change his mom, but the Lord--so keep praying for her that God will work conviction into her heart and maybe she'll repent and make a change. Besides that, you guys should just stay in prayer and see what the Lord says.

To me, it seems as if God is saying this:

Exodus 14:14..."The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace."

Hope I helped!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

It sounds like she has some of her own issues that she refuses to deal with.

 

[Newlyfoundheart17]

Thank you guys, I really needed to know that someone is on our side and that I have support. I spoke with my boyfriend and let him know how I seriously felt and as soon as he had the opportunity he confronted his mother and let her know that he will love me defend me no matter what she does and the more she pushes to ruin me and him the more she ruins her relationship with him. I was very glad that he let her know how he felt about me, AGAIN. She also apologized to me today for her childish behavior and promised me that she would try to work on her actions, she said she never realized what she was doing to me and her family. Which being the pushover that I am I forgive her and I think she is sincere. I love her, even with her faults, but boy do I not like her! Thank you guys for all of your help and mark my words I will be posting agian next week about her because she will do this all agian. Its one ugly cycle.
I thank god for all of you!

 

[Ceris]

I am glad to hear that you have had a resolution to this (even if temporarily). Since you believe she was sincere, it was good that you forgave her. I pray that this problem will not happen again. Even if it does, at least you know how you will be able to handle it next time. God bless.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Tell her how you feel based on how she treats you, present it gentle as possibly, and firmly as possible. That is very important. Your boyfriends needs to do the same. Set apart time one evening that everyone agrees to for a talk, family meeting, whatever you want to call it. Having someone third party might help too. The woman sounds a bit wierd, and she may not realize some of the problems she is causing. Be very direct while still being gentle.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Oh, and when you are 18, don't get married to save him from his household, that would be a HUGE HUGE mistake.

 

[E-beth]

It sounds to me like Mom has a self-esteem problem and likes to be in control.

Remember, though, that if your relationship works out, this woman will one day be your mother-in-law. Some MILs don't like anything about the people their children have chosen. They like to critcize everything you do and make being around them a miserable experience.

My advice to you is total meekness. That can be very hard, especially when you hear bad stuff she says about you. What you should do is, totally compliment her all the time, ask her advice about stuff. Send her cards to tell her nice stuff. Thank her fro raising such a great son. Be totally humble and positive around her.

Also, stay out of her family business. Support your boyfriend in dealing with her, love the sister and encourage her as a big sister would. If she feels abused, encourage her to speak with a school counselor. If the mom tears down your bf, then build him up. But if you make her feel threatened or that you think she is a bad mom, she will attack.

Let me tell you from experience that a boy never totally leaves a controlling mama. Even when he is out of her house, her approval will be a deciding factor in almost everything he does. So the woman is going to be in your life as long as the guy is, so you have to learn to plaster a smile on that you don't always feel and always be kind in her presence. Maybe you will rub off on her.