I really need help with this relationship. Please!!!

[anne1246]

My ex and I broke up but we had been working at getting back together and he had been trying really hard to change. Out of the various problems we had, one of them was the “other people” thing. He had the habit of watching pornography for many years before we met. When I found out about it a few months into the relationship, I let him know how much it bothered me and he stopped…for about a year. Then, a few months ago I found he was doing it again. I wouldn’t have cared as much if he hadn’t lied to me about it. I felt very betrayed and it contributed to our break-up. Another part of the “other people” problem was how he would be looking at other women he found attractive in front of me. It has always bothered me because it feels very disrespectful. But he hasn’t done that since we broke up. I was seriously considered getting back with him because of how different he seemed. until he told me he had been looking at some pictures of women on his computer today. I feel like he’ll never really change.
He said that what I want isn’t realistic and I am never going to find a guy like that. That he really tries but he is only human. My question is: am I being too demanding? I love him and deeply care about him but I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life constantly looking over my shoulder for the next thing he does. He said I need help because what I want is not realistic. Do I need to change the way I think to be happy in a relationship?Is there the possibility of finding someone who doesn’t need to be looking at that stuff? He says that since we don’t do anything sexual because we are both Christians that it’s difficult for him not to succumb to that.

I would deeply appreciate any input.

 

[prophecyistrue]

My ex and I broke up but we had been working at getting back together and he had been trying really hard to change. Out of the various problems we had, one of them was the “other people” thing. He had the habit of watching pornography for many years before we met. When I found out about it a few months into the relationship, I let him know how much it bothered me and he stopped…for about a year. Then, a few months ago I found he was doing it again. I wouldn’t have cared as much if he hadn’t lied to me about it. I felt very betrayed and it contributed to our break-up. Another part of the “other people” problem was how he would be looking at other women he found attractive in front of me. It has always bothered me because it feels very disrespectful. But he hasn’t done that since we broke up. I was seriously considered getting back with him because of how different he seemed. until he told me he had been looking at some pictures of women on his computer today. I feel like he’ll never really change.
He said that what I want isn’t realistic and I am never going to find a guy like that. That he really tries but he is only human. My question is: am I being too demanding? I love him and deeply care about him but I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life constantly looking over my shoulder for the next thing he does. He said I need help because what I want is not realistic. Do I need to change the way I think to be happy in a relationship?Is there the possibility of finding someone who doesn’t need to be looking at that stuff? He says that since we don’t do anything sexual because we are both Christians that it’s difficult for him not to succumb to that.

I would deeply appreciate any input.

your guy has addiction problems, and you would be crazy to continue a relationship with an addict of any kind, the deception is they believe every guy looks at porn, and masterbates.....they honestly believe this is normal. Sad to say most churches are becoming so worldly that they are starting to teach that this sort of addiction is ok!......it appears if enough of the church male population is a porn addict, Its just easier to make it OK instead of teaching the men how to take back control over what you allow yourself to think about.

 

[StillTryin]

you are not un-realistic, in fact, to me, based on my personal experiences, you are completely realistic and right. i was sort of like your ex. i say sort of, because i kept it a secret until i think it was too late. it can truly change a man for the worse. i now know that to fully appreciate the gift (woman) that God gives me i have to be completely free of that lust, which pornography causes. as far as checking other women out in front of you, i don't know about that. it almost seems like that is his way of trying to start a fight or end the relationship. unless he starts changing, and the changes are coming from a closer relationship to the Lord, i would suggest moving on.

 

[anne1246]

you are not un-realistic, in fact, to me, based on my personal experiences, you are completely realistic and right. i was sort of like your ex. i say sort of, because i kept it a secret until i think it was too late. it can truly change a man for the worse. i now know that to fully appreciate the gift (woman) that God gives me i have to be completely free of that lust, which pornography causes. as far as checking other women out in front of you, i don't know about that. it almost seems like that is his way of trying to start a fight or end the relationship. unless he starts changing, and the changes are coming from a closer relationship to the Lord, i would suggest moving on.

He did change..for a while..but he always falls back to that and every time he says he'll change. He said he feels very helpless and I feel terrible because I really love him but I feel like I keep paying for his mistakes because I always get hurt. If you were sort of like him, what helped you deal with those problems?

 

[StillTryin]

i honestly started seeing myself as being selfish. i cared more about what i needed, to make me feel good. i stopped caring about the person who i was with's needs, and more importantly about what God needed from me. it took a while and i really hurt the one i was with. anyway, to make a long story short, i stopped feeling helpless and took responsibility for my wrongdoings. i started praying more than ever, got back into church (if for anything to be around others that cared), and i found two accountability partners, who were as serious about God as i needed to be. my regret, and you can share this with your ex, is that i broke the trust i had with the woman i love and it is really hard work getting that back. now, i am commited to getting her back, however i am willing to do whatever. i think that is what he needs to do also.......anything and everything.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I'm so glad I have a wife who points out attractive women and doesn't get jealous.

 

[BFine]

Anne, his whole spiel about you being unrealistic is his feeble attempt
to shift the focus off of his sin problem.
(Beware of someone who shifts the blame or doesn't own up to his/her sin)

Sorry, but he's not marriage material yet.

He needs to deal with his sin problem before you two re-connect.

 

[anne1246]

Thank you all for your responses. It made me realize that his behavior is not normal. It prompted me to discuss it with close friends with whom I had not discussed any of this and their responses were very similar. At this point, I am trying to move on from him. It is very difficult but I have asked God for guidance and I believe this is the path that he has shown me and is what is best for me. Thank you

 

[Inkachu]

You are NOT being too demanding. He's trying to rationalize his sinful behavior, so you'll put up with it. Don't fall for it.

Every time he watches porn, he's cheating on you in his heart. This is not a relationship you need to be in. Get out now.

 

[VintageDon]

He said I need help because what I want is not realistic. Do I need to change the way I think to be happy in a relationship?Is there the possibility of finding someone who doesn’t need to be looking at that stuff? He says that since we don’t do anything sexual because we are both Christians that it’s difficult for him not to succumb to that.

I am both a man, and a Pastor, but this is one of the things I give no quarter on when it comes to guys. This is a sad, sad attempt to shift the blame for his sin to you, and to me, doesn't speak well for his ability to take responsibility for things, primarily your relationship. If he's willing to blame you now, he'll be willing to continue the same behavior later on.

Of course, Matthew 5:28 immediately comes to mind: "If a man looks on a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart." and is followed by Ephesians 5:5 "For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God."

You no more need to change your idea of a good relationship to fit his framework than the Word of God needs to be changed to fit modern morals. I would not lower my expectations to meet his behavior.

 

[SplendidTree]

Sister, I have been there before. It was to the point where I thought every guy everywhere did that constantly and it was supposed to be "normal". Well, it is not. It is absolutely heartbreaking to see those things.

I agree with the posters here but ultimately, it is up to you. That just sounds like no way to have a relationship. I will pray for you and for him. Hopefully he can overcome his addiction.

 

[elenore]

If your dad or brothers have porn issues too, then it can be harder for girls to stand for what they know is right in this area.