I really need help with this one.

[LovebirdsFlying]

I apparently am not making myself clear. Either that or Hubby understands what the issue is and just doesn't care. Can anyone offer advice?

Since I was a child, I've had a slight hearing loss. It isn't enough to need a hearing aid because the problem is less about volume and more about enunciation. If someone is talking too fast or slurring the words, it doesn't matter how loud it is, I'm going to have trouble hearing it. For this reason I prefer to have captions on when I'm watching TV.

My husband hates them, so I usually leave them off and end up missing quite a lot. To illustrate the degree of the problem, last night I watched the same movie twice, again with the captions on after he fell asleep. It was science fiction and had a little baby alien character that I thought was squeaking like a mouse in unintelligible syllables. With the captions on, I could see that it was actually saying words. Not knowing that the first time, I missed much of the cuteness factor. For the same reason, I prefer to read news articles online instead of watching videos.

Hubby isn't the only one. USUALLY the person or people I am with will complain if the captions are on. "Oh, I can't watch TV like this. Those words on the screen are distracting me. How do you get those words off of there? Who did that, anyway?" Even if I say I'm the one who turned them on, and why, the talk keeps going on like that until I turn them off. After going through that enough times, I stopped bothering. It doesn't matter what I want. All that counts is that it's bothering everybody else.

It came to a head this morning after he got mad when he saw the captions left on and didn't know how to turn them off. Even after I explained that they are of benefit to me, he wants me to: 1.) remember to turn them off if I've been watching TV by myself, and 2.) understand that if I really have to have them, he'll just go and watch TV in the other room.

So, my dilemma is, I can watch TV with the captions on and understand more of what's going on, OR I can watch TV with my husband, but I can't do both. He doesn't understand what the problem is. After he's been working all day, who needs to spend time together anyway? I need the captions, so he'll watch TV elsewhere. So I have to choose between understanding what I'm hearing, and having my husband's companionship. Big deal.

And I feel like, why am I always the one who has to make the concessions, not just him, but anybody else no matter where I am who doesn't want the captions on? Why can't they put up with the captions, instead of me having to sacrifice them if I want to watch TV with another person?

Am I, as Hubby tells me, making a big deal out of nothing?

 

[Mayzoo]

My 12 year old wants them on too, and I am not sure why (verbally delayed and not actually speaking at all right now). Her Daddy hates them; he says they are too distracting. So, when I watch with kiddo, she is allowed to have them, since it is important to her. When she watches with Daddy, I take them off as he they bother him more than they benefit her (at least she tolerates them off better than he tolerates them on).

Soooooo, you are not alone in the CC family battles. Kiddo and I are capable of turning them off or on; Daddy can not turn them on or off.

I do not think either of you are making a big deal out of nothing. This is a big deal to both of you, unfortunately, it is not one that is easy to compramise on. I learned to deal with the captions and learn to not let them bother or distract me, but I am not sure everyone can do that. I can read a book and watch a movie at the same time also, hubby could never accomplish that, so I do not think he can watch TV and multi-task (ignore or read CC) as well. I wish I had a solution for ya!

 

[Mayzoo]

Quick thought, how do you watch movies? IE, DVD disc, netflix, amazon instant, or how? Also, do you own a tablet or laptop with wifi?

I could have kiddo watch the same movie as us from netflix or amazon instant on her tablet or a laptop with the volume down and the captions on, while her daddy and I watch on the bigger tv with the captions off. We all would be in the same room, watching the same movie at the same time, but she is watching on a small screen.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I had that same laptop idea. The trouble is, right now, my nephew is using my laptop since his died. I thought it was only going to be a couple of weeks, but it's been months now. Because he's using it for such things as job search and appointment setting, how can I ask for it back and not be a selfish ogre? And he can't buy his own laptop until he gets a job, so we're stuck with it like this.

 

[Mayzoo]

If you can swing this, I found some tablets for fairly cheap that stream netflix or amazon pretty well. I got kiddo a click n kids 7" tablet when they were a 100.00, but now they are 69.00 brand new at walmart. We were content with it (not thrilled, but happy enough) then my mom got kiddo a Samsung Galaxy 3 kids tablet and we are very happy with it. It was 199.00 at the time. Now, you can search ebay for them and see what they run.

How to ask for the laptop back, not sure on that one. Good luck there. I know laptops are fairly cheap now too, so maybe you could buy him a cheap, used/seller refurb, or lesser grade laptop that he do all that on so you can get yours back? A quick search on ebay shows this a "decent" one can be gotten for 169.00 or less now days (Lenovo ThinkPad X200 12 1" Ultraportable Windows 7 Pro 160 GB Core 2 Duo | eBay). You can some for even less, if you spend some time looking.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

His birthday's coming up. Maybe we can swing some kind of deal...

 

[Mayzoo]

His birthday's coming up. Maybe we can swing some kind of deal...

Ahh, sometimes other family members are also willing to go in on a bigger gift to ease the burden for everyone . Ask around if you think anyone would go for it....

 

[LinkH]

I don't know the solution for watching TV together. That's not doing much in the way of 'spending time together.' You could do something other than watch TV and you wouldn't have a caption issue to worry about.

Your post reminds me of an obnoxious house guest who turned the TV on after we turned it on at night and threw a loud hissy fit over the captions being on when we were so busy working. But I digress.

I like captions perfectly, especially with a toddler buzzing around and kids asking what's going on during a movie. It's hard to make out what people are saying without the captions. Would a larger screen make it more comfortable for your husband?

You could put two TVs beside each other, one with captions, and one without. It won't help if you are running both of them off the same DVD or BluRay since the remote would control both TVs, but for free TV, it might work.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thanks for the support. It's just occurred to me that Hubby's suspected Asperger's may play a role. To demonstrate his point this morning, he waved a roll of paper towels directly in front of my face, then he told me that trying to watch TV with the captions on was like that happening constantly, for him. I'll have to ask other people with Asperger's if captions are distracting to such an extreme for them. If that's the case, he would have trouble learning to just tune them out, which would mean he can't help his problem any more than I can help mine. We just have conflicting needs. Which means we can't count on watching favorite shows as part of our "together" time and have to find another activity to bond over.

I think the reason it sent me into "nobody cares about my needs" was that he got so darned mad about it. Of course, he didn't realize it was me who turned the captions on. He thought my nephew did it, although why that would have made a difference, I don't know.

I'm still making all of the concessions here, though. He expects me to turn them off after I'm done watching TV, so he doesn't have to. Wouldn't it be just as reasonable to expect him to turn them back on for me, when HE is done watching TV?

 

[Mayzoo]

I'm still making all of the concessions here, though. He expects me to turn them off after I'm done watching TV, so he doesn't have to. Wouldn't it be just as reasonable to expect him to turn them back on for me, when HE is done watching TV?

My husband is great and I love him very much. We have had great years, lousy years, mediocre years, and years that were simply dousies!
We have been married 24 years and I would say despite having a complex special needs kiddo, and many other issues, we are overall happy.

None the less, there are things in our marriage that I am 100% responsible for. He has no interest in relenting or altering his behaviour in any way on these issues.

I have in the past gotten cranky over it, quietly moaned about how it is not fair, wished he did things differenetly, etc........ I have found this approach leaves me resentful and discontent on good days, and results in an arguement on bad days.

Now, I just try hard to remember some of the things he does that please me, and he does not have to do. I try to remember how he blesses me in other areas, and how insignificant this one (or two ) areas are in the scheme of our whole lives. I try to view my relenting in this area as a blessing to him. I then try to do this blessing for him with a "happy heart." This approach leaves me happier and feeling as if I am both blessed and a blessing.

I wish I had a cure all solution where you both could get what you want in this situation, but the fact is, as you well know, sometimes that is simply not possible. All the compromises in the world will not help in this situation. One of you must relent. This is a make the best of a lousy situation sorta thing.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thanks for the support. It's just occurred to me that Hubby's suspected Asperger's may play a role. To demonstrate his point this morning, he waved a roll of paper towels directly in front of my face, then he told me that trying to watch TV with the captions on was like that happening constantly, for him. I'll have to ask other people with Asperger's if captions are distracting to such an extreme for them. If that's the case, he would have trouble learning to just tune them out, which would mean he can't help his problem any more than I can help mine. We just have conflicting needs. Which means we can't count on watching favorite shows as part of our "together" time and have to find another activity to bond over.

I think the reason it sent me into "nobody cares about my needs" was that he got so darned mad about it. Of course, he didn't realize it was me who turned the captions on. He thought my nephew did it, although why that would have made a difference, I don't know.

I'm still making all of the concessions here, though. He expects me to turn them off after I'm done watching TV, so he doesn't have to. Wouldn't it be just as reasonable to expect him to turn them back on for me, when HE is done watching TV?

There was an issue at my work for a while. The night shift guy likes to keep all the lights in the building on so when he walks around he feels safe. And when I work day shift (these are weekend shifts where we are in the building with just one other person, and it's a large-ish building) and prefer the lights off since there's plenty of natural light.
Things kind of worked out naturally after a while. When I come in, I turn the lights off. When he comes in, he turns them on. The burden is distributed equally.
So maybe you guys can both just adjust as needed.

I used to feel like the captions were distracting. But often enough I'd miss what was being said and wish I had them on. My general rule is that if I'm watching something for the first time, I'll keep the captions off so I can enjoy the movie/tv show as much as possible. If I'm re-watching something, captions are fine if there's any trouble at all with understanding. We were watching Doctor Who last night and I missed a lot of what was said. I didn't turn the captions on because I was tired and didn't feel like fooling with anything.
I'm the kind of person that totally can't understand whispers, reading lips, or anything short of clear speech. So I really understand your point of view.

 

[DZoolander]

Do captions take up a larger portion of the available screen real estate on a smaller screen compared to a larger screen? Or is it the same size/proportion - scaled to the size of the screen?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Do captions take up a larger portion of the available screen real estate on a smaller screen compared to a larger screen? Or is it the same size/proportion - scaled to the size of the screen?

Same proportion, near as I can tell.

 

[BigDaddy4]

My wife has the same issue, LBF. She has a little loss of hearing and cannot always hear what is being said on TV. We usually only have the captions on when we try to watch movies together after the kids have gone to bed so we don't have to crank the volume. I don't mind the captions, although the former teacher in me wants to correct the misspellings and incorrect captions (not lining up with what was actually said on screen).

I truly hope the captions thing is related to his Asperger's like you suggested. To me, captions on is just a trivial thing. But that's me, not him. If it's important to you, it should be important to him and some kind of compromise should be reached. You shouldn't be the one who always gives in though.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My wife has the same issue, LBF. She has a little loss of hearing and cannot always hear what is being said on TV. We usually only have the captions on when we try to watch movies together after the kids have gone to bed so we don't have to crank the volume. I don't mind the captions, although the former teacher in me wants to correct the misspellings and incorrect captions (not lining up with what was actually said on screen).

I truly hope the captions thing is related to his Asperger's like you suggested. To me, captions on is just a trivial thing. But that's me, not him. If it's important to you, it should be important to him and some kind of compromise should be reached. You shouldn't be the one who always gives in though.

He says he asked a few co-workers about it, and they told him captions just bug the stuffing out of them too. Of course, there is a tendency to agree with the person who's asking more than the person who's absent. In other words, if it had been me having the conversation, they might have answered that it was only a minor annoyance if anything, and nothing to get all worked up about.

And yes, captions do annoy me when they look a chimpanzee did the spelling, or when the typist (more likely some kind of voice recognition software instead of a human being) mondegreened what the actor said.

 

[Darkhorse]

It's just occurred to me that Mike's suspected Asperger's may play a role. To demonstrate his point this morning, he waved a roll of paper towels directly in front of my face, then he told me that trying to watch TV with the captions on was like that happening constantly, for him. I'll have to ask other people with Asperger's if captions are distracting to such an extreme for them.

FWIW, both of my kids have Asperger's, and they like the captions on when the TV is muted - but, people have different likes and dislikes.

It seems like people who share the most intimate and most mundane parts of their lives with each other could find some common ground on this issue - or at least a generous dose of tolerance. Putting up with each other's quirks is part of marriage.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Darkhorse

It seems like people who share the most intimate and most mundane parts of their lives with each other could find some common ground on this issue - or at least a generous dose of tolerance. Putting up with each other's quirks is part of marriage.

I think the above post that is pretty much on target.



I do not know about Asperger's but your husband seems to be inconsiderate. Does Asperger affect a person being considerate and wanting to enjoy some good times with the spouse? If the answer is no then your husband is rude and inconsiderate.


When you are in a good mood and with diplomacy ask your husband what you both can do together so that you both can have some enjoyable times together? Tell him that you will keep the captions off from one TV show and then would he be agreeable to have the captions on the next TV show. Do not stop there but tell him that your want to enjoy things with him and that you would love for him to come up with a solution for other activities you both can enjoy together.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

By the way, I'm starting to think I'm not the only one in this house with a mild hearing problem. Over and over again, this has happened.

Hubby, from the next room: *calls for me*
Me: What?
Hubby: *calls for me again, louder*
Me, as loud as I can: What??
Hubby: *calls even louder, with exclamation points*

At that point I physically get up and go see what he wants. When I tell him I answered him twice, he'll say he didn't hear me.

I tend to be skeptical about that, because my mother (and her father before her) used to do the same thing. Call for you, and then not respond to the "What?" They did that on purpose, precisely because they wanted you to get up and go to them, but as my uncle once pointed out, at least they could answer back, "Come here." They didn't even do that much. Just call you, and ignore your response while waiting for you to physically come to them.

What he does is keep calling me and keep calling me, even though I'm answering him. So, either he's doing as my mother and grandfather did, manipulating me into getting up and going to him, or it's as he says, and he's not hearing me when I answer. His voice is stronger than mine, so it is entirely possible that I can hear him from another room, but he doesn't hear me across the same distance, even without a hearing loss on his part. BUT he's had passenger complaints of him supposedly "ignoring" them, when he didn't hear them over background noise. On one occasion his manager actually wanted to write him up for ignoring a passenger, so he had his ears checked, and there was a slight loss along with the documented background noise on the video tape. And that was a few years ago. He could have lost hearing in the meantime, but when I say something about having it checked again, he doesn't take my suggestion seriously. Should I wait until another passenger complains and he's about to be written up again, or what?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I do not know about Asperger's but your husband seems to be inconsiderate. Does Asperger affect a person being considerate and wanting to enjoy some good times with the spouse? If the answer is no then your husband is rude and inconsiderate.

When you are in a good mood and with diplomacy ask your husband what you both can do together so that you both can have some enjoyable times together? Tell him that you will keep the captions off from one TV show and then would he be agreeable to have the captions on the next TV show. Do not stop there but tell him that your want to enjoy things with him and that you would love for him to come up with a solution for other activities you both can enjoy together.

On the bold: It can. A lot of people with that condition come off rude when they're not trying to be, and Hubby isn't the most socially graceful person in the world. I don't know if it's possible to help him tolerate captions. He'll just have to go watch TV in the other room if I have them on. That probably would apply even if I were completely deaf.

One solution I see is probably to teach him how to turn the captions off, himself, so he can just do that if they're on, and not get so upset about it. He'd rather I already have them turned off, but it might not always happen that way.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I realize no spouse is perfect but its not like you want the captions on for no legit reason. He needs compassion and to understand theres more people in the house then just him. I do know some find captions annoying but what about movies that are in a different language? Do those people just not watch the movie with english captions?

My wife is from another country and has hearing issues too. So we often have captions on (which also helps with understanding english btw). I have no problem with it. Most caption doesn't take up much space on the screen. If anything I sometimes enjoy it because even if you hear fine it doens't always mean you hear things right. Some movie we watched recently I've seen many times. I found out one of the lines I love I've been hearing wrong the whole time.

With some captioned stuff you can adjust many options of the caption like the font, size, color, placement and so on. My wife and I watch stuff on Roku, youtube and Netflix. Although regular youtube or some tv shows have bad caption since its just typing what it thinks it heard. Its automated.

---edit---
Just noticed you posted he has Asperger's. So I'll give him some slack since my friend with Asperger's can be what I would call "ornery" sometimes. He doesn't mean to be, its just how his brain works.