I really need help, please. :( (2 souls at stake)

[DessyBams]

I apologize for not posting in the indroductions area first, but I am a bit too sad and worried and stressed for introductions.

I was never baptised.
As a small child I beleived in God, prayed constantly, but always feared the unkown and asked my grandma for help. I always feared the what if.

For a year as a teen I had faith, and believed, and felt at ease.
I have not felt that since, I seek very much to regain that faith and belief. I worry constantly, pray alot, and cry alot.

There are parts of me that at the same time can and can't see the rationality to both sides of the arguement. This creates a big problem for me.

I also have a fiance. His mother is a very strong christian, and for most of his life he was a very strong Christian. Up until his teen years that is(he's 23 now). Now he tries not to think of it because for years it drove him to a constant depression, confusion, lost feeling, and pain similar to my current state. This hurt him too much, so he decided to block it out.
I do not feel he will be able to open up again till there is some miracle toward him, or till I somehow miraculously believe and slowly bring him back.

A few times I have had dreams involving my grandmother, the only truelly religious person my family had(who has passed).
The first one involved sitting in her room talking to her, but there was no sound, like it was on mute. That is the only dream I have ever had where I see myself, normally my dreams are first person perspective.
The most recent involved me and my fiance coming home, around the back way to the house, and looking through the sliding glass door, and seeing her in the kitchen cooking us a big salmon.

I have committed quite a few sins in life and always feel terribly about them, even after asking forgiveness and repenting multiple times. My fiance has not committed many sins, and for both of us our sins spawned from peer pressure and misinformation. If either of us deserves heaven it is him, he is a very wonderful person.

I would very much like to hear stories of how you came to believe. And also things that help to make God and such more feesable. Hard to explain exactly. Obviously I can't ask for him to knock at my door physically and say "hi". But hopefully you know what I mean. Examples of things in the world, etc. that help to point toward it being real.

I seek help and guidance and God.

 

[WashedClean]

Hi DessyBams and Welcome to CF!

I hope you will find many of the answers you are seeking here. We can only point you toward God, but His word says you will find Him when you seek with all your heart.

I was raised in a "Christian" home and went to church every week until I was 18. But I never knew Christ as my Savior until I turned 34 years old! It's like no one ever explained the Gospel (which means "good news" to me). I knew I was a sinner and that Christ died for "our" sins, but I didn't personalize it. If I had been the only person who ever lived, Jesus still would have gone to the cross for me. That's the difference.

You mention that your fiance deserves to be in Heaven more than you. The truth is that none of us deserves it. My husband is a wonderful, loving, kind, compassionate man. But he's not a Christian (yet ) and so I know in my heart he deserves hell. Not because he's worse than I am. I deserve it too. Only by God's grace am I saved.

Have you asked Jesus to wash away your sins with his blood? This is the key. Jesus is knocking on the door to your heart, but unless you open it and let him in, he won't force himself on you. Based on what you're saying, God is trying to speak to you through your dreams. He wants a relationship with you. Not religion. Basically, he wants your heart. Jesus said our love for him should make our love for our family and friends look like hate. But the only way to experience that kind of love is to accept him as your Lord and Master.

Sorry to babble one. Feel free to PM me if you want. I pray you will find Jesus and let him in!

God bless,

WashedClean

Edited to add: don't worry about not being baptized right now. That won't save you. Baptism is something you do after you become a born-again believer.

 

[Speluncher]

I want you to seriously consider the possibility that you (and your SO) have an anxiety disorder like OCD or spectrum anxiety disorder. For religious people, this can take the form of "scrupulosity" -- please look it up on the web. The Christian religion puts certain people through the wringer with its endless contradictions and paradoxical teachings. It's easy for a person's head to get tied into knots by all of the twists and turns of religious dogma. Does God love me or hate me? Is he the cause or solution of my misery? Does sin make God more inclined to reject me? What one hand gives in the religion, the other hand takes away. Grace and Judgment are the twin blades of a scissors, and you are in between. Your SO has taken the step to block it from his mind without permitting it to flair up his anxieties. This is what a lot of "apostates" and "reprobates" are -- people who wanted relief from the mental anguish that is organized religion. My advice to you would be to read the book "Portrait of Jesus" by Joseph Girzone. Also read "Meeting Jesus again for the First Time" by Marcus Borg. Your relationship with God wasn't supposed to create for you a pale, tearless hell, but there you have it -- you are victims of religion.

 

[DessyBams]

WC - if your religion is one in which god will cast away someone who for years cried for him every night, in severe pain, begging and pleading to find his faith again, hurting so badly at his being lost, almost to the point of taking his own life. Who had to decide to block out his questions and searching for now, in order to keep himself from hurting himself (which suicide is also one that grants hell by bible standards, so obviously him keeping himself from it is the better thing.) He'd still be glad to find his faith again, but he just can't seem to. For someone to try so hard and want so badly, and be denied, and then be punished because he can't find what he sought so hard. That is cruel.

And I am the same. If you don't think that I am honestly looking, with all my tears, all my pain, all my begging and pleading nightly, crying, screaming, everything. Then I don't know what you are expecting.

 

[DessyBams]

Speluncher - thank you for mentioning OCD. Until looking it up today I had only heard a different definition (the one about if you touch one side of your face you have to touch the other) which yes I do. Today I looked it up and read a big thing about it. And yes I do in fact have it. Then I sent a specific part of it to my fiance (specifically the part about images of harming you rloved ones popping into your head). Upon me showing him this he mentioned that he has OCD, and has for some time now, it had just never come up in conversation, so I wasn't aware.
So yes oddly enough we both have it. O_O

 

[WashedClean]

WC - if your religion is one in which god will cast away someone who for years cried for him every night, in severe pain, begging and pleading to find his faith again, hurting so badly at his being lost, almost to the point of taking his own life. Who had to decide to block out his questions and searching for now, in order to keep himself from hurting himself (which suicide is also one that grants hell by bible standards, so obviously him keeping himself from it is the better thing.) He'd still be glad to find his faith again, but he just can't seem to. For someone to try so hard and want so badly, and be denied, and then be punished because he can't find what he sought so hard. That is cruel.

And I am the same. If you don't think that I am honestly looking, with all my tears, all my pain, all my begging and pleading nightly, crying, screaming, everything. Then I don't know what you are expecting.

Woah... Slow down. I never said you weren't looking or seeking. I'm not expecting anything.

Your fiance may very well be saved. If he accepted Christ as his Savior many years ago, then he's forgiven. But the enemy will do everything he can to play with your head. The problem is that everyone is looking for a feeling. It's not about feelings. Hey, I have my doubts sometimes. Believe me, the devil doesn't leave me alone either. And if you have a tendency to be emotional, he will use that to his advantage. That's why it's so important to familiarize yourself with God's word. Jesus said, "I will never leave you or forsake you" and "He that comes to me I will not cast out".

I'm sorry if my post made you feel defensive, that was not my intention. And by the way, I don't subscribe to any "religion". God is interested in a relationship, not religion. Religion is man-made rules.

Please don't stop searching. If you or your fiance needs help for an emotional problem, then you should see a professional. But don't let the devil tell you that God won't have you.

 

[DessyBams]

Your original post just seemed liek you were saying he was lost and that's that. >_< Hence my reaction.

My fiance was baptised as a child, his mother is a strong member of the church, strong enough to be allowed to marry in it (it's part of the "Church of Wales" group, so he and I are not elligble to marry within it since he isn't in the parish, but she was able to get the vicar to agree to perform a blessing on the marriage after we have our actual ceremony elsewhere.)
He believed very strongly and was a good little christian boy till about 13 or 14 or 15, that is when he started to have the trouble. (He was still a good boy, and has VERY high morals for someone who isn't fully christian right now. Which is something I was very happy to finally find in a man.)
So yes, for a lage portion of his life he did accept God as his savior and follow God. And when he lost it he still sought it, part of him still does, it's just that he can't allow himself to do so as before due to the anguish it causes him. He'll have to wait till a later time to pursue it again. I'm sure his mother and grandmother pray for him alot, hopefully.

I myself, back when I was a believer (about age 18) I did this thing (forgot what it was called). The thing they do at the end of the night at Harvest Crusade. I was there for one of them and did the thing where everyone goes onto the field to do something. (Sorry I seriously can't remember exactly what it's called. ) Back then I really wanted to get baptised, but the man I was dating at the time didn't want to yet. So I never got the chance.

As to the OCD, we both get it. He sometimes has images of randomly hitting someone(I get the same). Sometimes when I'm in an event where everyone is quiet except the speaker I have the urge to yell out something, such as shut up, or soemthing else. I of course always have control of these wierd things and they never happen, but it's scarey havign them pop up since I don't understand why they do it. Sometimes I also have images of my loved ones being harmed, or me accidentally harming them. I trim my nails as often as possible to keep from accidentally harming my fiance.
For the physical repetitive actions, I don't do them so much, but my fiance does that alot. Including not being able to walk on grates(vents in the street) that are grouped in odd numbers. But both of us are highly organized/perfectionist.
Ah aren't we a lovely couple. LoL (But we really do make each other insanely happy and comfortable.)

As to religion, I don't really want to subrscribe to a religion either, it's just hard to figure out what to call it in speech.

 

[WashedClean]

Your original post just seemed liek you were saying he was lost and that's that. >_< Hence my reaction.

Not at all. That's not for me to determine. It's never too late to accept Jesus as your savior. Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer became a born again Christian before he was killed in prison? That's right. I believe he is in heaven praising the Lord. So no one is beyond God's grace.

He believed very strongly and was a good little christian boy till about 13 or 14 or 15, that is when he started to have the trouble.

I also thought I was a Christian when I was growing up in the Church. Turned out that I wasn't. I can't say whether your fiance was a true believer or not. All I can say is keep praying!

So yes, for a lage portion of his life he did accept God as his savior and follow God.

I certainly don't mean to pick on your words, but this statement jumped out at me a bit. Jesus is the key to being saved. Now Jesus was God, but you can't have a relationship with God and not include Jesus. For many years I think that's what I tried to do.

And when he lost it he still sought it, part of him still does, it's just that he can't allow himself to do so as before due to the anguish it causes him. He'll have to wait till a later time to pursue it again. I'm sure his mother and grandmother pray for him alot, hopefully.

What is the anguish? I'm sorry, I don't understand. Is it that when he sins, he feels guilty? Satan is called the accuser for a reason. He wants to torment us and actually, the closer you are to God, the more you will get attacked by him.

I myself, back when I was a believer (about age 18) I did this thing (forgot what it was called). The thing they do at the end of the night at Harvest Crusade. I was there for one of them and did the thing where everyone goes onto the field to do something. (Sorry I seriously can't remember exactly what it's called. )

That sounds like an altar call. They do them in a lot of churches and crusades. It's an invitation to accept Christ as your personal savior and make a public declaration.

As to the OCD, we both get it. He sometimes has images of randomly hitting someone(I get the same). Sometimes when I'm in an event where everyone is quiet except the speaker I have the urge to yell out something, such as shut up, or soemthing else. I of course always have control of these wierd things and they never happen, but it's scarey havign them pop up since I don't understand why they do it. Sometimes I also have images of my loved ones being harmed, or me accidentally harming them. I trim my nails as often as possible to keep from accidentally harming my fiance.
For the physical repetitive actions, I don't do them so much, but my fiance does that alot. Including not being able to walk on grates(vents in the street) that are grouped in odd numbers. But both of us are highly organized/perfectionist.
Ah aren't we a lovely couple. LoL (But we really do make each other insanely happy and comfortable.)

I'm delighted that you're happy. You sound like a wonderful couple, truly. Can you go to a church and speak with a pastor? I'm not sure where you live, but I would suggest a non-denominational church, Bible believing of course. Just explain your feelings, they will be happy to help you.

As to religion, I don't really want to subrscribe to a religion either, it's just hard to figure out what to call it in speech.

I completely understand. I just wanted to clarify because when someone describes me as "religious" (not that you did), I cringe

Please post some more. I'm enjoying chatting with you and hope you are too.

God bless,

WashedClean

 

[Speluncher]

It's never too late to accept Jesus as your savior. Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer became a born again Christian before he was killed in prison? That's right. I believe he is in heaven praising the Lord. So no one is beyond God's grace.

Jeffrey Dahmer was a Christian even when he was committing his crimes. He grew up in a Bible-believing Christian family and was very religious as a child and throughout his life. He didn't have a Christian "conversion" in prison after a lifetime of atheism, he was always a believer.

 

[WashedClean]

Jeffrey Dahmer was a Christian even when he was committing his crimes. He grew up in a Bible-believing Christian family and was very religious as a child and throughout his life. He didn't have a Christian "conversion" in prison after a lifetime of atheism, he was always a believer.

Hmmmmm.... I don't want to get into a debate about this, but that's not what his father indicated. In fact, they said he was an Evolutionist when he first went to prison and had ordered books from the library on Creationism and that's when he started to change. Either way, I believe he's in heaven.

 

[Perfection2]

You shouldn't worry about your sins, they are always forgiven by God who loves you unconditionally no matter what you do. Making mistakes isn't bad as long as you try to learn or actually learn not to make them anymore. You grow stronger by doing so. Your fiance hasn't found the answers that he needed, which in its turn made him a very sad person. He needs to find the questions answered on a higher spiritual level in order to be in tune with God again.

 

[WashedClean]

You shouldn't worry about your sins, they are always forgiven by God who loves you unconditionally no matter what you do. Making mistakes isn't bad as long as you try to learn or actually learn not to make them anymore. You grow stronger by doing so.

I don't know what Bible you are reading, but this is false. She has already indicated that she's not a Christian. So how are her sins forgiven?

 

[SHA77]

Does anyone have a Bible?

 

[WashedClean]

Does anyone have a Bible?

You can access the bible online here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/

Hope this helps!

 

[unlucky-core]

I apologize for not posting in the indroductions area first, but I am a bit too sad and worried and stressed for introductions.

No worries, you are not comfined in posting in seeking help, guidance and peace.

I was never baptised.

Never too late to change. Baptism cures you of the original sin you were born with, the sin of Adam and Eve of eating fruit from the forbidden tree. In receiving this baptism, you will see the goodness of our Lord. There is always faith and hope.

As a small child I beleived in God, prayed constantly, but always feared the unkown and asked my grandma for help. I always feared the what if.

It's in being prepared for the unexpected that we find peace in our hearts and minds. Make sure you bring enough oil for your lamp to last throughout the night or you may miss the door of opportunity when it comes. Like a thief in the night, you never know when he shall strike, so you must be prepared and always be on alert. Put your trust in the Lord, through him you will be saved and he will protect you, as long as you follow him with all your heart, soul, mind, strength, and body.

For a year as a teen I had faith, and believed, and felt at ease.
I have not felt that since, I seek very much to regain that faith and belief. I worry constantly, pray a lot, and cry a lot.

Bury yourself in the books, his knowledge is enduring love. Through the scriptures you will grow in faith, better your relationship with God as Christ is the leader of your hearts, he will guide you in the ways to Eternal Life, my good brother.

There are parts of me that at the same time can and can't see the rationality to both sides of the arguement. This creates a big problem for me.

Colaborate and I will simply it and will create a win-win solution for both sides. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life. I am very wise in the scriptures, so test me, I dare you to

I also have a fiance. His mother is a very strong christian, and for most of his life he was a very strong Christian. Up until his teen years that is(he's 23 now).

Great news, true love - 1cor13, acts4:32... remember that be in no rush... patience and prudence you must demonstrate before you can receive the true gift of Love. Be in no rush, and make sure you can GUarantee a future for your children, which in doubt has been totally forgotten in our current age IMO.

Now he tries not to think of it because for years it drove him to a constant depression, confusion, lost feeling, and pain similar to my current state. This hurt him too much, so he decided to block it out.

God is not in church but in spirit, his words and his truth will last forever. How hard is it to pick up a book and read? It's in stillness we find peace of mind, heart, soul, spirit.

I do not feel he will be able to open up again till there is some miracle toward him, or till I somehow miraculously believe and slowly bring him back.

Don't have faith, nor hope, but Believe!!! You must believe!!! 1cor13:4-8.

A few times I have had dreams involving my grandmother, the only truly religious person my family had(who has passed).

Dreams lead to our futures, they are the keys to our destinies. Follow them in patience and prudence and you will find Jesus. Record em!!!

The first one involved sitting in her room talking to her, but there was no sound, like it was on mute. That is the only dream I have ever had where I see myself, normally my dreams are first person perspective.

This dream signifies that your grandma had wise words for you in the days she was still alive. Attempt to remember those words, or wait for them diligently and they will come back to you, I promise you. In due time with patience. Until that time, I wouldn't try to rush anything, you will know when the right time is, and make sure there isn't a SIngle doubt in your heart before you move forward! With willpower comes fear, with fear comes courage.

The most recent involved me and my fiance coming home, around the back way to the house, and looking through the sliding glass door, and seeing her in the kitchen cooking us a big salmon.

Salmon comes from the waters of life. Salmon are very healthy, maybe you are being called to eat healthier in Lev11? Go organics and healthy... make sure the food you eat doesn't come from across the country/world, local is best way to go, as is organics. Freshness counts.

I have committed quite a few sins in life and always feel terribly about them, even after asking forgiveness and repenting multiple times. My fiance has not committed many sins, and for both of us our sins spawned from peer pressure and misinformation. If either of us deserves heaven it is him, he is a very wonderful person.

We learn from our sins by identifying the triggers. Justice shall be done to those who do not acknowledge their sins and keep repeating them. Forgiveness is found through those that acknowledge their sins and do not repeat them, for they learn from their mistakes. Identify the triggers, avoid these triggers at all costs, even if it means making sacrifices or changes in your lifestyle!

I would very much like to hear stories of how you came to believe. And also things that help to make God and such more feesable. Hard to explain exactly.

I came to know this:
I can't love someone I cannot see
I can't love someone I do not know.
so I buried myself in the miracles of the past, the scriptures, read the new testament over 5 times, and the old testament once and I review from time to time. In doing this, I come to know, understand!, see, live, practice, love.

Obviously I can't ask for him to knock at my door physically and say "hi". But hopefully you know what I mean. Examples of things in the world, etc. that help to point toward it being real.

I seek help and guidance and God.

Meditation, stillness, In giving your all to him, you will be chosen.
160 hours a week, set aside some time for him.
10 minutes a day = 1/144th of the day.

I try to give atleast an hour to bible reading per day
1 hour towards prayer, in thanking him for the countless gifts and blessings given to me through him, all the good within me is from him.
1 hour towards listening, not moving, sitting still (meditating), clearing my mind of all thoughts and keep on saying, Lord God, I am here for you. and also saying, "Holy, Holy, Holy, are you Lord God, The Almighty, who Was, who Is, and Is to come".

The keys to salvation have been passed to you, now go spread out your wings as the lord your God sends you to the lost sheep of Israel. You now have the keys to the mustard seed which through time, shall be fully engulfed by the spirit of Christ. When you are ready, God will appoint you, he will send you among the nations, scatter the mustard seeds among the sinners and he will reclaim what was rightfully his.

Peace and Love of Christ be with you all,
Forgiveness is of the light, Justice is of the dark, Pray for our dark souls, and unite the white souls so that we may forever glorify our Lord God, In the name of Christ Jesus, we pray for this future through Acts4:32, 1Cor13, Luke8:5, 1.618, 144, 8.

Amen.

 

[Scholar in training]

Never too late to change. Baptism cures you of the original sin you were born with, the sin of Adam and Eve of eating fruit from the forbidden tree. In receiving this baptism, you will see the goodness of our Lord. There is always faith and hope.

We can never be clean of our original sin... We are sinners no matter what we do. We cannot escape that, but we can come to God and turn from our sins. No Christian can escape sinning, but we can turn from lives that are characterized by sin.

Meditation, stillness, In giving your all to him, you will be chosen.

The elect have already been chosen before we were born. Dessy, I recommend reading Romans 10 and Ephesians 2:1-9; they are real eye-openers, or at least they were to me. Remember, Dessy, we are saved by God's grace through faith.

 

[dia_liom]

My prayer is that God will speak to both of you in ways you can hear & understand.

I'd suggest you take some time to find a good, Bible believing church. For the most part, denomination isn't important, because there are many great churches of all kinds. Find someplace where they welcome seekers, and are willing to answer questions, understanding that people are in different places in their walk with God.

I'd also take time to pray for guidance.

I grew up in a Christian home. We attended several different churches- Evangelical Covenant, Church of God, and a couple others. I came to know Christ personally, though, when I was attending a Christian school- 7th grade year. No, things aren't, and haven't been, perfect. But I know that God will reward my faith, and that He will forgive my sins when I ask, and when I truly repent.

 

[Bain_Adaneth]

"As the days go by..." is the name of my journal...I haven't posted in there for a while, but you can get a glimsp of my struggles, and my walk with the Lord....the important thing to remember is that you should not have faith only when you "see", but you can just simply believe and be blessed....I used to be so stubborn even though I was born Christian...I took risk for being lost forever because I doubted, and even though God was working in my life I was blind....Always my excuse was that "it was a coincidence." Once you know the Truth, your eyes will be open....it's good that you're searching, because life with God is too precious to lose.

 

[heron]

His mother is a very strong christian, and for most of his life he was a very strong Christian. Up until his teen years that is(he's 23 now). Now he tries not to think of it because for years it drove him to a constant depression, confusion, lost feeling, and pain similar to my current state. This hurt him too much, so he decided to block it out.

I'm glad that you found Speluncher's site helpful. It's very easy for kids of established Christians to feel overtaken. When you are old enough to break away from your parents, all this garbage comes to the surface and you start to reason it out.

One of my theories on why this happens (Stagnant Pond Theory)--

People get so attached to a church these days, the congregation draws inward, and neglects other aspects of Christianity, like teaching outside the church, holding concerts outside the church, doing service projects in the community, meeting with other churches....being too contained, they start to compete with each other, because their gifts are not being used fully.

This tends toward picking on every little flaw they see, rather than drawing in the hurting masses. (Like commenting on my run-on sentence.) Or they make sure their kids are acceptable in their social circle, without fully encouraging individual faith. This can lead to oppression, control, intimidation, and twisting scriptures for convenience. One member in the congregation might have a TOTALLY different experience, based on who they're in contact with.


Keep exploring the emotional issues, because those have probably been imposed on you and you need justice and resolution in this area.

When I have dreams, I try to think of obvious symbolism for emotions I have. For instance, the silent grandmother could show that you feel like she's there for you, but wish she would speak up and come to your defense. It's not my business to analyze your dreams, but since they stand out for you, it's worth thinking about.

 

[ragdolly]

I am praying right now for the right words to tell you of my love for the Lord and of what He has done in my life. First of all, do you understand the plan of salvation? That God sent His Son to die for our sins that we might be reunited with God. Jesus was born into this world to a virgin mother, he lived a pure life and experienced the human condition, he taught us, he gave His life for our sins and He rose again and ascended to Heaven where He intercedes for us with God. God offers this plan to us as a gift. When we accept Him (Jesus) we become children of God forever. He comes into our hearts and leads and guides us. We have a brand new life. We are truly "born again". How does one accept this gift? By sincere prayer expressing belief and acceptance and asking The Lord to come into your life and to forgive your sin. You must not rely on your feelings- you must rely on God's promises. What He says is true. Then as you begin your journey, you will want to pray and study and be with other Christians. You will want to allow God's love to live through you. He will teach you how to truly love others as never before. As time goes by and you grow as a Christian God blesses you in many many ways. He has changed my life completely. No, I dont have much on this earth. I am very ill and have been for 12 years. I have many problems in my life as most of us do. Yet I have wonderful peace from God and I know that He will never give me more than I can bear. I know that He uses my illness to bring me closer to Him and to be a greater blessing to others. These are my ultimate goals for my life on this earth: to walk closely with God and to be a great witness for Him. God bless you. I will pray for you.