I really do not like living... please

[dyingslowly]

I am a palliative nurse. I minister to dying people, often secretly, because their families are usually idol worshippers, like, Hindus or Taoists.

I suffer from lifelong depression. I'm on medication. I've stopped going to therapy, because it doesn't seem to be working.

Lately, I decided to take a break from work. Because I wish to end my life. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I have no family, no friends. I am 31-y/o and have never dated. I have no one to fall back on if I were to lose my job.

I can't get out of bed. It takes a lot of effort to type this. My fingers are heavy. My head feels heavy. I'm lying in bed all day. I haven't been paying attention to hygiene and appearance. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is my fear of going to hell. Some people say suicide leads to hell. Some say it doesn't. I don't know.

I feel that God has forsaken me. I wanted to be an Artist, but, chose Nursing after receiving Christ. I thought it was my calling. Now, I have my doubts.

I've heard all the trite stuff that people say. That I can't depend on my feelings, that God is working behind-the-scenes, etc, etc. I'm getting tired of all that. I've reached the point where platitudes don't help. All I see is darkness ahead. I'm completely hopeless. I've prayed to have my life taken away, but, it hasn't happened. At one point, I was taking stupid risks. I fractured a couple of bones. Just that. Only fractures. I was disappointed.

I tried my best to maintain my relationship with God, but, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. There have been Christians who said I could be doing something wrong, to be having one hardship after another. I thought they might be right. I didn't have a good start in life. So, I'm pretty dysfunctional. I know I'm a lousy Christian, but, I've always been honest with God and everyone else about that.

During this break, I got my Will settled. I have an Advanced Medical Directive. I've made sure that I wouldn't be a burden to anyone after I'm gone. I don't think anyone would grieve, in view of my severe lack of social life. I'm pretty shaky. I don't wanna go to hell. But, I hate my life. I hate this earth. It's been too long and too much... I long for rest.

 

[Inkachu]

And you came here to post your story because...? You're obviously reaching out for some reason. I hope it's because you don't want your life to end, and you're willing to seek help. You say you've stopped going to therapy; what kind of therapy were you involved in?

 

[Fortran]

I can relate. The vast majority of the time I honestly don't want to live. At the worst of times I have come frighteningly close to ending it all.

Please do not give up. Find a thought that gives you a reason to hold on and cling to it. For example, if you are uncertain about the fate of those who commit suicide, if that is the one thing that will keep you going on - think about - what is this life in light of eternity? I have to admit, I am normally not a fan of posting videos or seemingly promoting particular preachers in response to the problems of others, but the following message has had a personal impact on me:

Suicide: The Impact on Believers

Maybe it will help you or maybe not, but please find someone reason to hold on. I mean this as kindly as possible, but if you believe in God, don't you want to do His will? If so, can you honestly say suicide is God's will?

Either way, I am praying for you. Please hold on.

 

[brinny]

(((hug)))

 

[dyingslowly]

Can we honestly say that every true believer that died had done the Will of God?

Can we honestly say that they weren't knee-deep in sin at the time of their deaths?

I swore to serve Him and have done so, though not perfectly, drawing strength from Him.

However, I've been running on empty for years. I'm knocking on His door, but, He's keeping it shut for some reason(s).

I've wasted away more than half my life. I've tried to give and give and give, allowing myself to be humiliated at times, often turning the other cheek. I know I shouldn't be expecting anything in return.

All I want is for this mental torture to end.

I can't see myself living another 20-50 years like this. Always so close to killing myself, but, never following it through. Always feeling like I'm gonna snap.

Everything is so screwed up and upside-down these days. People aren't the same anymore.

I just want to quit this race.

 

[Cute Tink]

I'm not sure there is anything that I can say to help you. I have plenty of days when nothing but my sense of duty and necessity to keep my job get me out of bed and I roll through my day pretending I'm doing okay. I'm pretty much depending on the future being better than where I am now.

Have you considered a different job? A palliative care nurse just strikes me as a poor choice considering your depression levels. It's a depressing job.

Do you have any interests? Something that might be a bright spot in your day to look forward to?

You show that you're 31. That's an early age to want to end your life. I was planning the end of my life at that age and the fear of giving in prompted me to make some serious life changes. While it hasn't cured me of depression, it has given me enough hope that I can get up every day and sometimes even have good, happy days.

Consider alternatives. Suicide is not something I would think you'd want to give in to.

1 (800) 273-8255. Give it a chance.

 

[SarahsKnight]

I don't think anyone would grieve, in view of my severe lack of social life. I'm pretty shaky. I don't wanna go to hell. But, I hate my life. I hate this earth. It's been too long and too much... I long for rest.

Despite all you have said, surely there would be someone who would grieve for you, ... and you are not going to hell. That is a made-up fable with VERY little Biblical basis that places a miserable-slave mentality on many people's relationship with God the Father, for one, and it is often the cause for depression, maybe as great or not as great as yours.

I will pray for you, sister. You must be doing some good if you've actually ministered to the dying in spite of your own weaknesses and frailties. Do not listen if fellow Christians have made the mistake of saying you must be doing something wrong and it's God punishing you with burdensome feelings and anxieties like this. I bet in 90% of cases that isn't true.

 

[Inkachu]

Dyingslowly, what you need is help, my friend. When we're in the clutches of depression, we don't think clearly, we don't see clearly, we don't feel clearly. What you're experiencing right now is not all that life has to offer you. I encourage you to reach out once again for help from a good, qualified counselor. If the person you were using before didn't help, find someone else, please! It does not have to be this way, and it CAN get better.

 

[Messy]

All I want is for this mental torture to end.

The devil wants to kill you, but he speaks in the I-form, so you think you want to kill yourself. The devil doesn't like it that you bring people to Jesus before they die, that's why he wants you dead. Seek a good ministry where they pray for inner healing and deliverance or watch Derek Prince on youtube. I just read a testimony of a woman who was set free by just listening to his tapes.

 

[Daughter of His]

Praying for you, I'm glad you are not doing that particular job now, it's so very emotionally demanding. Please let someone tend to your needs as you recover.

 

[dyingslowly]

I have thought about it for a long time... I don't think suicide leads to hell, for true believers. It'll disappoint Him... but, it's not an unpardonable sin.

The devil doesn't like it that you bring people to Jesus before they die, that's why he wants you dead.

That is always in the back of my mind... Somehow, knowing it doesn't help much... I've never heard of Derek Prince, but, I'll search for him in YouTube, thanks...

For those who think so - Watching people die is not depressing... bearing witness to someone hanging on to dear life in terror, then finally letting go in peace, even joy, after knowing Christ... it's quite fulfilling. And, it's very sacred...

But, the constant spiritual warfare is emotionally draining. I don't like being surrounded by idols all day. The sound of repetitive chanting bothers me. It takes a lot of strength to block them all out.

I have thought of doing other things... but, I've been at this for 9-years. It's my livelihood and a way to serve God. I don't know if He wants me to leave and do other things... what will I do? I have thought of working with animals, but, is that what God wants for me?

I took a 2-week break... I have to go back to work next week. Should I just quit...?

 

[Inkachu]

OP, I'm curious as to why you encounter so many Hindus and Buddhists in your profession? Is it because of where you live?

It doesn't sound like you want to return to your job. You sound exhausted and emotionally and spiritually drained to me. Do you have the financial ability to resign and look for another job?

 

[dyingslowly]

I live in Singapore, SE Asia... There are very few pure Buddhists here... most of the Chinese are a mixture of Taoist and Buddhist. Taoists believe that everybody goes to hell. They burn replicas of money and material goods (iphones, cars, cigarettes, clothes, computers, etc), hoping to make their loved ones' lives in hell much better.

I grew up a Taoist/Buddhist... There are numerous false gods that the Taoists worship, and, bizarre practices.

I converted to Christianity at the age of 16... met with a lot of resistance. I was a quiet, studious child. My elder brother and I were subjected to regular physical and verbal lashings by my father. When he grew up, my brother joined my father in using me as a punching bag. My biological family sent me to the mental institute, stating that I was insane and defiant (due to my conversion). I was discharged with the diagnosis of clinical depression.

It was not the first time my parents claimed me to be insane. I had been sent to many mediums as a child. I can still vividly remember the prancing, chanting, and, eye-rolling antics.

I left my biological family at the age of 22. We never kept in touch.

Hinduism has made its way well into the West... I don't think I need to explain it. There are a small number of Mormons, Wiccans and Jehovah's Witnesses here.

I can financially afford to resign and take on another job. I just don't know if it's what I'm supposed to do, in God's eyes.

I've heard Derek Prince's sermon on the Book of Job. His doctrine is very sound and Christ-centred. It is very difficult these days to find a preacher who doesn't harp on about the prosperity gospel. Thanks for introducing him to me...

 

[Inkachu]

OP (sorry, I'm not going to call you "Dying")... are you Chinese then?

Do you have a circle of Christian friends or church members that support you?

My mom is a huge Derek Prince fan. I must admit I haven't looked into him much.

Have you thought about just moving to the U.S.?

I'm sorry to hear that your childhood was so traumatic. It's no wonder that you feel anxiety when you're around the same chanting and idols that tormented you as a child. I don't think you're crazy in any way, I think you're a woman who has been deeply hurt and misunderstood by those she should have been able to trust (family). You're wounded, sister.

 

[blackribbon]

First of all, as a nurse, you know that if a treatment isn't working, you try something else. With the depression hitting you deeply, it is hard to act on that knowledge but you need to get in and try a new medication or different dosage....what you are doing now isn't working anymore. Please be kind to yourself and seek effective treatment. You do not have to feel this way.

And with any form of nursing, you eventually get burned out. It is time for a change. Pallative care is exhausting and it is time for you to refill your empty soul. You are still very young so retrain in a new specialty....one where you get to witness your patients getting better and going home. You can always go back to pallative care at a later date if that is where God wants you to be...however, you can't be an effective nurse if you are not caring for yourself.

God does not want you to be in a place where your mind is telling you that it is okay to die...unless you have a fatal disease. You can't serve him dead...and this current position is taking you there. As honorable and worthy your profession is, it is not healthy to always be surrounded by death. God is a God of light and love and happiness. You need to find that balance again. If you can afford to resign, then consider that or even taking a leave of absence to offer yourself some of that care that you have been giving to others.

On an airplane, they say put your oxygen mask on before you assist others....well, in nursing, we have to do the same. You can not care for others when you are too weak to care for yourself. Stop what you are doing and put your oxygen mask on. Go get treatment for the depression...both talk therapy and medication. Research your options in nursing...there are other honorable ways to serve people. It might be time to let someone else do the pallative care for a little while and expand your nursing skills as well as remind yourself that not every patient dies.

((hugs))...and I hope you feel better and lighter soon.

 

[dyingslowly]

Blackribbon, thanks for the practical, sound advise... from one nurse to another. I tried obgyn for a short period last year... didn't like it. Ortho is not my cup of tea either... I could request for a transfer to renal. It's not guaranteed, but, I'll fill up the papers. Our system works in a way that, if they can't get me into the specialty I want, it's highly likely I'll wind up in med/surg, where it is always short-staffed and very busy (it's the main reason I've been reluctant to transfer).

I'm doing private nursing on the side, in which most patients are palliative. I don't really have a choice. Going part-time private has helped keep me financially afloat.

I've been taking fluvoxamine 300 mg for six years. Part of the reason why I'm taking this drug is due to its affordability. Additionally, I haven't been seeing the same doctor. Shift work gets in the way of regular appointments, and, often I just want to get my meds and get out of there. I've never liked being seen in that hospital. Sometimes, I bump into ex-colleagues escorting patients, and, they ask why the heck am I there.

I suppose I'll try to explore a change of meds in my next appt. As for the therapist, it's been a headache to find the right one. That might take some time.

Inkachu, I am Chinese. There is no fear or anxiety involved... but, I am frequently tempted to revert back to the religion I grew up with.

My social circle is next to none... I used to attend church, but, the one I went to started preaching the prosperity gospel incessantly. I was church-hopping for a while. Then I gave up. I'm too tired to go out and buy lunch, spending a lot of time sleeping. My friends dropped one-by-one. Partly due to the fact that most of them are now married with babies on the way, partly because I tend to prefer isolation.

My mood has lifted a bit. I've been listening non-stop to Derek Prince's sermons... I suppose that has helped.

Hannah

 

[Inkachu]

May I ask why you're tempted to revert to a religion that caused your own family to mistreat and disown you?

 

[dyingslowly]

May I ask why you're tempted to revert to a religion that caused your own family to mistreat and disown you?

I suppose it's spiritual warfare. When I walk into homes full of false gods, or, hear religious chanting, the temptation to blame God and put my trust back in idols intensifies. Additionally, the evil one doesn't want to let go of an idol worshiper (the dying patient) at the very last minute. He does everything he can to keep this soul. I suppose that involves him planting seeds of doubt into all parties involved.

It's the only way I know how to explain it...

I need to make it clear that my biological family did not disown me. I disowned them.

I'm not proud of it.

 

[Inkachu]

Your family may not have disowned you, but they may as well have. They abused you as a child, accused you of being mentally ill for simply questioning their beliefs, and subjected you to the spiritual dangers of mediums. That's more than enough reason, IMHO, to separate yourself from them.

 

[BlessedBlythe]

Please contact your doctor and let them know what you just wrote to us. Praying for your spirit to be lifted out of depression. God bless you.