I have come to end with my marriage. This man has done everything possible to prove to me his hate, his contempt and disgust for me. We have been married for almost three years now and I have not been happy not one day! I am so tired I wanna leave but the truth is I am afraid to raise two children on my own. I am afraid that my children will grow to hate me for leaving their father. I feel so sick by the betrayal the pain inflicted upon me the past few years. He is never home, he has done everything to neglect his responsibilities as a father and a husband. The fact that he is one of the leaders at his church has made the situation worst. He think that there is no way that he can be wrong. I told him that we should look for some where to worship where the accept me as his wife and his children. He told me to leave that he no longer wanted me. For once he was honest. I felt this in my heart for a long time but I needed to hear him say it. So I could have peace in my heart. I just had a two week old and he hasn't touched her all day. I keep asking God what did i do to deserve such evil perverse man. I feel sick and I am tired. I have tried looking for work atleast this way I would not have to come home to his distance and disgust everyday. Can someone please talk to me.
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I really could use so feedback
- Thread starter 4KidsMOM
- Start date
HerCrazierHalf
closet atheist
Wow. I'm not sure what there is to say. If there were no children involved the answer would be easier to come by. However, with such young children I know that there is no good answer to give.
I would say that perhaps the two of you should consider being friendly and warm towards each other for the children's sake, but your account of his fatherhood doesn't make that seem helpful.
Does he do anything with the children? I have no kids yet but I worry I'll have no idea what to do with them when they are little. They seem so fragile.
I would say that perhaps the two of you should consider being friendly and warm towards each other for the children's sake, but your account of his fatherhood doesn't make that seem helpful.
Does he do anything with the children? I have no kids yet but I worry I'll have no idea what to do with them when they are little. They seem so fragile.
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Yes, I know. Its hard to just walk away. It would be easier if I knew I had a warm place to put my kids. I've been looking for rooms to rent but everything that I find it either to expensive or just dirty. I feel so guilty for doing this to them. The way he treats us. It breaks my heart. I can't fight anymore.
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- Jan 18, 2012
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Perhaps you should go to your county health department or some local Catholic agency and inquire as to what transitional services are available to you. There may be an exit strategy that does not lead to homelessness or some other undesirable plight. Also, counseling will probably be suggested.
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Yes, I called a few place and they do not have anything available. I think I should pack our things and just leave. This way I know where out of the bad situation and go from there?? I know it sound crazy but I really feel as though I have no options.
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HerCrazierHalf
closet atheist
Since it sounds like you made up your mind to leave, have you contacted a divorce lawyer? In the long term you may need to "encourage" your husband to financially help you and the children while you make this transition.
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Yes, he said that he will take of the kids but he doesn't want anything to do with me. As if he was prince charming. We both feel the same way, our hearts have turned cold towards one another. i just don't give so easy if it was up to me all out problems would be solved.
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I just don't give up so easily if it were up to me all our problems would be solved. I would do anything to fix it and make things better. I know I have come to an dead end.
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ValleyGal
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- Dec 19, 2012
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Your husband is a leader in your church. Imo, you should go to a senior pastor and discuss the situation. With his status there, the church may be willing to pay for counselling for you both. If not, at the very least, he will need to account for the dissolution of his marriage to the board who hired him. After all, if a man's home is not in order, chances are he will not have order in the church either. Church leadership is expected to live up to higher standards than most.
Even if the church is unable or unwilling to provide access to a counsellor, I would still recommend that you find one anyway, if your husband is willing. If he is unwilling, talk to your friends, family, and trusted church members who might be willing to give you a place to stay or help you out with taking steps towards independence.
I'm sorry your marriage is suffering so much. Hopefully it is not too late to work towards reconciliation, restoration. Contempt is one of the worst marriage-killers.
Even if the church is unable or unwilling to provide access to a counsellor, I would still recommend that you find one anyway, if your husband is willing. If he is unwilling, talk to your friends, family, and trusted church members who might be willing to give you a place to stay or help you out with taking steps towards independence.
I'm sorry your marriage is suffering so much. Hopefully it is not too late to work towards reconciliation, restoration. Contempt is one of the worst marriage-killers.
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ValleyGal it is the pastor and the other leaders that are giving my husband the advice to have the attitude that he has. That is way things are so upside down because he doesn't have a clear minded Godly man to give him advice. Everyone has convinced him that I am against him and not for him. My heart is broken. It hurts you know. I know it will get better, but I wish that I had a husband who loved me and understood me. I am only 26, this is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
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I have no one to go to. My mother is a what you would call a narcissist and I am the scapegoat of the family. I have no one only the christian community. It it weren't for you guys support. I just don't know how I would get through this. The worst things is my husband is trying to cut me and hurt in every way possible to show me disregard and to disvalue me. Its hard but I know God will help me endure.
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No, I have not. Because when ever we have conflict and he shuts down I get so scared that I will lose him that I tell I'm leaving just because I don't want him to leave me first. Makes sense?
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C
ChristianGolfer
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I think this is bad advice.
He's a church leader. His buddies are going to take his side. They aren't going to believe her when she says he's abusive. They're going to believe she's a trouble maker.
They aren't going to call him out on bad behavior, they're going to make it worse.
Of course they should be holding him to a higher standard. But they won't be. These types never are.
The church should be a place she could go for help. But going to church leaders to get help divorcing from another church leader is just a quick way to make sure you add spiritual abuse to the abuses you suffer.
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ValleyGal
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I don't care if you think it's "bad" advice. It is biblical advice, according to Matthew 19(? iirc... I have to leave and don't have time to look it up). There is a way of dealing with this stuff that is biblical. If the OP is unable to get satisfaction there, then she should go to the next level up, all the way up to HQ, if necessary. And there is a difference between "calling him out" on bad behaviour and actually helping someone or confronting the sin in love.
And isn't it you who gets after others for using terms like "always" and "never"?
And isn't it you who gets after others for using terms like "always" and "never"?
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I agree with ValleyGal. The other leaders in the congregation need to know how he is at home. But one thing concerned me from the OP: "I told him that we should look for some where to worship where they accept me as his wife and his children." I am wondering why they do NOT accept her as his wife.
Apparently there is more back-story that we do not have? Like maybe was he (or she) married before? Why are the leaders saying what they are saying? Is the husband only feigning the senior pastor's support when it is not really there?
Is this congregation part of a denomination or is it entirely independant?
Apparently there is more back-story that we do not have? Like maybe was he (or she) married before? Why are the leaders saying what they are saying? Is the husband only feigning the senior pastor's support when it is not really there?
Is this congregation part of a denomination or is it entirely independant?
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- Sep 23, 2005
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You posted more back story in the abuse forum. Have you ever resolved the childhood abuse?
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- Sep 23, 2005
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You also indicated that you had mental illness but your family considered it demon possession. On the other hand you indicated their prayers seemed to help. Could you elaborate?
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Chrisitangolfer exactly. He knows this and thinks he can get away with murder. I am happy you see my situation so clearly.
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Ok more background in 2010 I was "possessed" my mother went to everyone looking for help, this is what I was told because I do not remember what happened from dec 27-sometime in February. So this period is what I was told happen not what I experienced. She finally found these men that went to this church and they claimed that they could help pray and get me delivered. I was with them for a period of two weeks and finally I was delivered. My husband was part of this group of five men. Everything was great I was so happy to be delivered and free! After my deliverance they spent a period of like three four months talking to me getting information about my past and just staying with me because they stated that once the sprit left that it would wonder around and gather more for a chance to get back in. So basically they stayed with me to just make sure I was ok. I in part today do not feel comfortable with being left alone with them while they questioned my about my private life when I just came out of such a confusing, tragic moment in my life. If I could go back I would do it different.
Around the same time when I was still "ill" or "possessed" I would black in and out of actually knowing what was going on. I felt I received a vision showing me that my current husband would be my husband. I cried out to God especially since I have been abused in the past that if this is what he wanted for me that he would need to show my husband this, because there would be no way I would walk up to this guy and tell him he is suppose to be my husband. I would never do such a things, I am sort of old fashion. The very next day I was not myself, I kept saying all these things We'll they told me that it was not me but it was the evil spirit. Being at this time they told me, I am ok and that I was delivered.
The next day my husband comes to mean tell me while he was asleep he received a vision that he should take me as his wife. I took this as a sign that this was what God wanted for me. Great. Being so I am still not in my right mind. But I had my mother telling me that it such a shame that I would let this happen to me, that I need to get right with God and get back into church.(At this time I did go to church as a luck warm christian but i did not have a home church and was praying deeply for healing and changes to take place in my life. I was so broken at this point in my life.)
To make a long story short I married my husband. Everything was great until his sister took hand and play. His sister made it a point to show their disagreement with the marriage by not coming to the engagement party, but they still supported their bothers with making it clear that I was welcomed. My husband has never stood up for me when it came to his family. My husband has told me that I would never come before his family. He told me this before we got married but I was feeling so ashamed that I felt marrying him would some how heal me and redeem me.
I am just going to put it all out there. If you have questions about why I must have been feeling this way you may want to do some searched on abused victims so you can have a better background on the battle we face on a daily bases with self image and self esteem. I was always told that I was bad from day one. I can not remember having an adult figure telling me I was good. I have to admit i might be what you can a strong willed child. Don't quote me on that. I am still trying to figure my life out.
Back to the story. I married him, and decided to stay at this church thinking this must be my home church because I was praying for healing and a home church and I went to sleep and woke up here. So this must be where God wants me. I decided to stay with out doing much praying on this matter. Everyone seemed really friendly and open to my situation. Until they found out I was going to marry my husband. A lot of people did not agree with this, I was told my church leaders not to marry him, his cousin told me that my husband would never marry someone life me.
I felt so low at this point in my life the people that prayed with me and seen what I went through turned on me, just because my husband wanted to marry me. When I would speak to my husband about these things he would state that I was liar and they would never say anything like this and it was all in my head and I needed to see a doctor.
Don't forget that I was mentally ill so nothing in I said in this period was taken seriously I was just written off. I know why I married my husband. I know now and accept that I made a mistake marrying this man under these circumstances. I don't know I just woke up on day and seen the mess I was in.
Through out this whole year before we got married, his sisters would never all him when we were together and sometime we would spend almost every day together praying or going to people houses and pray and fasting. I never herd them call them. I knew they had really close relationship but I did not know it was to just a uncomfrontable extent. Also when love is fresh you miss a lot of red flags. I have to admit I did make a lot of mistakes. I married my husband, May 2012.
We spent one day on our honey moon and had to rush back because his family kept calling his phone and was worried where he was. We came back and spent the rest of the time with his family. I stated my discomfort which was just blown off and didn't say much after this. Soon after we married his family call him constantly. I would try to be friendly and visit his sisters so we can get to know on another. I stopped going after the second time when two of the sister started talking badly about another one of their sister in laws and was just being mean and nasty. I decided to only visit them when my husband was around, because I could tell that they were trouble.
Ok to make a long story short nothing in the dark stays there. His sisters where becoming really mean, and not minding or respecting our marriage. I spoke to my husband and obviously gotten no where. I prayed I cried out to God and things just got worse. More disrespect and disregard for our marriage. From everyone I called one of his sisters who I felt reached out to me more but I really did not get good vibes from her. I called her and she exploded and had her other sisters call me and curse me. At that point I was so upset and I could have handled the situation better. But I had enough and was so afraid of losing my marriage. A quote my husband would alway use is that if I would get a divorce, my life would be over, who would want me. I believed it at the time and still fight with the idea of leaving him.
Guys this can go on for ever!! I don't know where to end. His whole family goes to this church and the ones that use to call me don't call not even his father. They all stand together as a united front against me. They truly believe that I am here to cause division in the mist of their family. When its' not even about that, it about my marriage, my kids having bother parents in their life.
My husband before we gotten married told me that yes we should move because he did not want to stay to close to his family because they could be indifferent at times. I said ok,but it did not bother me because they seemed harmless to me at the time. He did not do that, he moved us 15 min away from his sisters. He has lied about so much and mislead me. But I am still willing to make this work.
I know he won't change on is own, but I believe in the God that redeemed me, that saved me and forgave me. He who gave me freedom from the darkness in my past. I believe he can change my husband. That he can see me clearly that I love my husband and want so badly for our marriage to work. I am not against his family. I was so excited when he explained to me how close his family was. Because I always wanted a close family. Now he doing everything in his power to break out family. Telling me I can leave that he doesn't want me. That I can go.
How can I just move on, I have given you so much. Why didn't you let me go before. Why didn't you let me go after my deliverance. I would have found someone who respected me, who loved me. I would finished my schooling, which I have completed my BA but I have higher hopes of getting my phd which is not going to be easy being a single mother with two kids. My husband doesn't respect me every chance he gets to cut me he does. if we can get along now image trying to manage separate lives and the children. I think he just wants to take my son and leave me with my daughter.
My husband was upset both time when I got pregnant, I know he doesn't love my kids that way I do. I would do anything to keep them together you know. But I know if I leave he will do what ever it takes to hurt me. He has told me he was happier when I was not in his life. He rather go back to his father house. He had his room and his family and he makes it clear that he doesn't need or want me.
He knows how much I love him, I wear my heart on my sleeves . I just can't help it! I am in a bad situation guys, I don't how to get out. I feel like I've tried everything. Is that enough of background information. Its hard putting all my information out there. But I hope that my bothers and sisters can help me and that God will make a way for there to peace in my marriage. I've asked my husband could we move and he would consider it for a split second until his eldest sister calls him. Then its a whole other story..
I don't go to that church any more I go to a baptise church were I serve and worship but I am so scared to really open up because of what has happen at this church. My husband tells me that I am not saved and I need to repent just because I have chosen to distance my self from his attacking family and friends...
Around the same time when I was still "ill" or "possessed" I would black in and out of actually knowing what was going on. I felt I received a vision showing me that my current husband would be my husband. I cried out to God especially since I have been abused in the past that if this is what he wanted for me that he would need to show my husband this, because there would be no way I would walk up to this guy and tell him he is suppose to be my husband. I would never do such a things, I am sort of old fashion. The very next day I was not myself, I kept saying all these things We'll they told me that it was not me but it was the evil spirit. Being at this time they told me, I am ok and that I was delivered.
The next day my husband comes to mean tell me while he was asleep he received a vision that he should take me as his wife. I took this as a sign that this was what God wanted for me. Great. Being so I am still not in my right mind. But I had my mother telling me that it such a shame that I would let this happen to me, that I need to get right with God and get back into church.(At this time I did go to church as a luck warm christian but i did not have a home church and was praying deeply for healing and changes to take place in my life. I was so broken at this point in my life.)
To make a long story short I married my husband. Everything was great until his sister took hand and play. His sister made it a point to show their disagreement with the marriage by not coming to the engagement party, but they still supported their bothers with making it clear that I was welcomed. My husband has never stood up for me when it came to his family. My husband has told me that I would never come before his family. He told me this before we got married but I was feeling so ashamed that I felt marrying him would some how heal me and redeem me.
I am just going to put it all out there. If you have questions about why I must have been feeling this way you may want to do some searched on abused victims so you can have a better background on the battle we face on a daily bases with self image and self esteem. I was always told that I was bad from day one. I can not remember having an adult figure telling me I was good. I have to admit i might be what you can a strong willed child. Don't quote me on that. I am still trying to figure my life out.
Back to the story. I married him, and decided to stay at this church thinking this must be my home church because I was praying for healing and a home church and I went to sleep and woke up here. So this must be where God wants me. I decided to stay with out doing much praying on this matter. Everyone seemed really friendly and open to my situation. Until they found out I was going to marry my husband. A lot of people did not agree with this, I was told my church leaders not to marry him, his cousin told me that my husband would never marry someone life me.
I felt so low at this point in my life the people that prayed with me and seen what I went through turned on me, just because my husband wanted to marry me. When I would speak to my husband about these things he would state that I was liar and they would never say anything like this and it was all in my head and I needed to see a doctor.
Don't forget that I was mentally ill so nothing in I said in this period was taken seriously I was just written off. I know why I married my husband. I know now and accept that I made a mistake marrying this man under these circumstances. I don't know I just woke up on day and seen the mess I was in.
Through out this whole year before we got married, his sisters would never all him when we were together and sometime we would spend almost every day together praying or going to people houses and pray and fasting. I never herd them call them. I knew they had really close relationship but I did not know it was to just a uncomfrontable extent. Also when love is fresh you miss a lot of red flags. I have to admit I did make a lot of mistakes. I married my husband, May 2012.
We spent one day on our honey moon and had to rush back because his family kept calling his phone and was worried where he was. We came back and spent the rest of the time with his family. I stated my discomfort which was just blown off and didn't say much after this. Soon after we married his family call him constantly. I would try to be friendly and visit his sisters so we can get to know on another. I stopped going after the second time when two of the sister started talking badly about another one of their sister in laws and was just being mean and nasty. I decided to only visit them when my husband was around, because I could tell that they were trouble.
Ok to make a long story short nothing in the dark stays there. His sisters where becoming really mean, and not minding or respecting our marriage. I spoke to my husband and obviously gotten no where. I prayed I cried out to God and things just got worse. More disrespect and disregard for our marriage. From everyone I called one of his sisters who I felt reached out to me more but I really did not get good vibes from her. I called her and she exploded and had her other sisters call me and curse me. At that point I was so upset and I could have handled the situation better. But I had enough and was so afraid of losing my marriage. A quote my husband would alway use is that if I would get a divorce, my life would be over, who would want me. I believed it at the time and still fight with the idea of leaving him.
Guys this can go on for ever!! I don't know where to end. His whole family goes to this church and the ones that use to call me don't call not even his father. They all stand together as a united front against me. They truly believe that I am here to cause division in the mist of their family. When its' not even about that, it about my marriage, my kids having bother parents in their life.
My husband before we gotten married told me that yes we should move because he did not want to stay to close to his family because they could be indifferent at times. I said ok,but it did not bother me because they seemed harmless to me at the time. He did not do that, he moved us 15 min away from his sisters. He has lied about so much and mislead me. But I am still willing to make this work.
I know he won't change on is own, but I believe in the God that redeemed me, that saved me and forgave me. He who gave me freedom from the darkness in my past. I believe he can change my husband. That he can see me clearly that I love my husband and want so badly for our marriage to work. I am not against his family. I was so excited when he explained to me how close his family was. Because I always wanted a close family. Now he doing everything in his power to break out family. Telling me I can leave that he doesn't want me. That I can go.
How can I just move on, I have given you so much. Why didn't you let me go before. Why didn't you let me go after my deliverance. I would have found someone who respected me, who loved me. I would finished my schooling, which I have completed my BA but I have higher hopes of getting my phd which is not going to be easy being a single mother with two kids. My husband doesn't respect me every chance he gets to cut me he does. if we can get along now image trying to manage separate lives and the children. I think he just wants to take my son and leave me with my daughter.
My husband was upset both time when I got pregnant, I know he doesn't love my kids that way I do. I would do anything to keep them together you know. But I know if I leave he will do what ever it takes to hurt me. He has told me he was happier when I was not in his life. He rather go back to his father house. He had his room and his family and he makes it clear that he doesn't need or want me.
He knows how much I love him, I wear my heart on my sleeves . I just can't help it! I am in a bad situation guys, I don't how to get out. I feel like I've tried everything. Is that enough of background information. Its hard putting all my information out there. But I hope that my bothers and sisters can help me and that God will make a way for there to peace in my marriage. I've asked my husband could we move and he would consider it for a split second until his eldest sister calls him. Then its a whole other story..
I don't go to that church any more I go to a baptise church were I serve and worship but I am so scared to really open up because of what has happen at this church. My husband tells me that I am not saved and I need to repent just because I have chosen to distance my self from his attacking family and friends...
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