I need some serious advice...

[sachi]

At this point, there is only one person whom I want to go out with. Ever since I became a Christian three years ago and started attending our church, I had admired him from afar, but it was only recently that he showed interest in me. We went out on a few dates in groups, but we didn't go on our first real date (alone) until October 21. We had a great time, we had in depth conversation, and I felt that we really connected. I was in for a shock when, the next day, I received an e-mail from him. It was very long, but in it he wrote that a relationship is something that he's "not allowed to have at this time" because when he's going out with someone it just "consumes" his mind. At one part he even mentioned that he wants to "still go out for drinks and dancing, but at a friendship level" and that "if down the road, through seeking God's will, he leads us to a place where something more can grow, then thats cool". So, I got my hopes up I suppose.

I haven't told anyone this (except my best friend), but I still have major feelings for him. We still e-mail each other about every 3-4 days but we haven't talked about the e-mail since then and because of papers and finals we haven't hung out at all. I've seen what kind of person he is and I love everything about him, and I'm having trouble going back to simply friendly feelings.

A part of me wants to hold on to my feelings and wait for him to be ready. Is that stupid? I'm really seeking God's guidance but I'm still incredibly lost...

 

[winglovesall]

Hi there.

Sometimes, a girlfriend relationship for him may be something like temptation. What you need to do - is to break the fear, by communicating to him and yeah - walk with him, talk to him, understand him and give him the understanding of a relationship. Quote from 1 Corinthians 6 and 7 - these verses are great for you.

Also, you must pray and talk to God about it (I'll pray for you, sis) because God will guide you in the best way - God loves you, remember.

God has a special man for you. Relationship is about patience and communication.

I hope I've helped you there.

If you can, PM me and talk to me about it!

 

[sachi]

what do you mean temptation? do you mean sexual temptation?

yeah i was thinking about that! Just hanging out casually, getting to know each other and becoming more comfortable around each other Man, how are you so mature for a 16 year old??

And thx for your advice and praying for me

 

[winglovesall]

By temptation, I mean - he may be feared and he may not want to be tempted into having different girlfriend relationships.

 

[sachi]

different girlfriend relationships?? You mean dating a lot of people?

 

[Inperfected]

Hurts doesn't it... Nothing really can stop the pain of it but... well not much can

A part of me wants to hold on to my feelings and wait for him to be ready. Is that stupid? I'm really seeking God's guidance but I'm still incredibly lost...

Hun if your feelings are as big as you say they are (and i'm certain they are), if you let go of him and you get another chance one day, you'll want him back. And in senario 1, you get him back, 2 you got someone else who you want three, 3 god's taken away the feelings for good.
If you can, try to let go. It will alow a friendship to grow, and if it is meant to happen (and if you keep an open mind in the process) god will let it happen. May not be a silly idea to explain to him your feelings, and try to get a grip on his reasons for not wanting one at this time.

 

[sachi]

@Imperfected - Hmmm it does seem that his reasons for not wanting a relationship at this time are not so clear. I think he's like me - he's a worrywart. He thinks about things too much.

Judging from both of your pieces of advice, probably the best thing is to let go as you say, and simply develop a friendship. Perhaps it's best that we get to know each other more as friends at first

 

[Inperfected]

It's a great idae... Out of friendship will spring the best marriages!

 

[winglovesall]

Friendship is important to develop - as they help you grow. The relationship or a dating relationship, I meant - doesn't automatically comes - it takes time of friendship through communication - and that communication is then taken on to the next level.

Try and let go - I agree with Imperfected - yeah, treat him like a friend.

 

[sachi]

thanks, you two! Honestly, I feel a lot better

 

[winglovesall]

Well, thanks for putting your own issues and your own problems on CF - thanks for the trust that you have with both Imperfected and me - yeah -

If you didn't put down this, We would never be able to help you and we would never know what's going on in your heart.

 

[Argent]

I don't want to burst you bubble, but when a guy is attracted to a girl and they hit it off, he doens't back off with lame excuses about "not being allowed" to have a girlfriend, or wanting to go out on a "friendship level." When a guy meets a girl who's as interested in him as he is in her, he pursues her, and if he's your age and a Christian, he's thinking she's "wife material" and seeking God about it. He's not going to send out a "let's be friends" email the next day. Sorry, but don't get you hopes us about this one. He seems kind and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you, but he doesn't really see a future in this.

Been there, done that. Just a guy's perspective.

 

[findinghope06]

*hugs* hi! i know the hurt that comes with that. luckily, i was determined to give it to God and really let Him work it out. and He eventually took the feelings away so that i can still be friends with him and not be overly devestated (i have now come to the point where i am happy for him) that he is dating someone else. it was a looong process and so incredibly hard! but God will get you through it.

you just cant be afraid to give it to God and im sure you are not, but that may mean that you may never be with this guy! pray that God takes the feelings away if it isnt Him giving you the feelings and just be patient with Gods timing. with doing that you will either 1. be with Him in Gods timing and have a solid friendship to base it off of, or 2. find out that he isnt the one God intended for you (He takes away your feelings) and you meet the man that God has for you

just be patient and have faith. focus on loving God and creating a good solid friendship with this person. its not going to be easy, but with God you will get through it PM if you ever want to talk or anything and i will be praying for you!!

your sister in Christ, Stephanie

 

[sachi]

@Argent - Thanks for your reply. I needed that to bring me back to the ground. However, he did tell me that he did want a relationship, but he felt consumed by obsessing over the relationship that he thought it was God indicating that he should be doing other things.

I think I really just need to pray to God to take away my feelings, and make the concious effort to think about other things.

@findinghope - thanks for your advice =)

 

[heartnsoul]

You are still young. Being 20 is still very young and there is no need to rush into thinking about serious romantic relationships. I think it would be in your best interest to focus on your spiritual walk with God by making strong Christian friends. Join a church that has an active, big youth group that you can plug into. If I were you, I would find a few female girlfriends to hang out with and buddy up with. Also, there is nothing wrong having guy friends so long as you keep it just at a friendship level. Allow yourself time to grow in Christ and be patient to wait on God's perfect timing.

Don't settle for less than God's best. Make lots of friends and enjoy the blessing of friendships. As I get older, I realize that friendships are priceless. God bless you.

 

[sachi]

@heartnsoul - That's one area I'm struggling with now actually - finding close Christian friends. My C&C group is filled with married couples and it is so hard to get close. I have close friends from high school and my university, but no close friends from church. I was thinking of switching churches, but I can't get myself to do it... I love my church way too much!

I was actually shocked at the age of the kids here who have serious relationships. I'm not saying that they are not mature enough... it's just that I certainly wasn't mature enough at those ages (14, 16, 18 etc)

Thanks for the advice =)

 

[hasnoname]

Sachi,

One of my good friends has the same views as this guy you are talking about...or is feeling led the same way. Im just going to say that it sounds like a God thing...and that is great. It is obvious he wants to be in a relationship, so the disciple it takes to say no is incredible. Sometimes you have to focus on God and right now it sounds like he thinks a relationship will distract him from what is important...God. He will know when the time is right. I would pray about it as much as possible, but dont just try to throw away the feelings. If anything get to know him even better, and I can guarantee if it is meaningful, the feelings will grow. I was in this situation before, except it was mutual...we both weren't ready. And we waited, and I can honestly say it has been amazing. Because when we started dating we both were completely confident that we were in God's will. It is best to take things slow, and as you really need to love him as a brother in Christ first. That requires that you put his and your walk with Christ above the relationship, both as friends and possibly romantically.

Edit: About friends. It would be best to concentrate on developing relationships outside of him. I cannot stress how important it is not only to the relationship, but to your life to have close Christian friends (preferably female). This allows you to have another outlet besides this guy or really any dating relationship. I would not advise dating unless both sides have close friends, because if you do not, it will be that much easier to focus on each other instead of on Christ.

 

[winglovesall]

Sachi,

I agree with a lot of what chrisd53 had to say - yeah - if you cut the corner and become impatient about the relationship, you may not find your relationship is not as healthy as you expected it to be.

God's timing is always right - He will tell you when it's right and yeah - follow him, listen to his messages. His messages may come from dreams - that's ok - learn from him.

 

[LivinSacrifice8075]

sachi, you will be in my prayers

 

[sachi]

@chris - I think yours was the most useful advice that I've heard. God bless you! All this time I was thinking that no one understood his situation but it seems like you understand it thoroughly. Thanks for your support.

I really only have one close friend, but I'd trust her with my life. I'm just not good at making close friendships for some reason.