I need some help...

[Evan Wright]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

 

[mkgal1]

In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away

I think the best way to get those thoughts out of your head is to do exactly what you did in this post. You spoke the truth to it. You're probably exactly right when you say that if you were to do that - you would traumatize her (and I doubt she'd ever go out with you again). She shared her vulnerability with you - please remain aware of her fears. It doesn't make you less of a man to NOT do that - it makes you less of a violent and abusive man, though (which is an excellent thing). I'd hope that you stay with your convictions - because it seems that you're caring and thoughtful.

 

[sunshine100]

I will pray for you both,as far as what you should do,I would say to just take the relationship slow.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

Did you ever hear of transferance?
You transfer your fears and problems onto others.

What are you going to do all your life? Fear saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing?

Try to get a normal relationship with a normal person IF YOU are also normal.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

My view is to forget about whether you are doing things right or not. Let the Holy Spirit in you decide that. As long as you are thinking about whether you are doing things right or not, your motives will be selfish and you will not get beyond what benefit you can gain out of what you are doing or not doing in your relationship.

When you forget about your own interests, and consider what you can do that would be in the best interests of your partner then many of the difficulties will be resolved because you will be conducting yourself in a way that is for the highest good for God and your partner. Even doing things to make you happier is a subtle selfish motive because then your principle end is your own happiness and well-being and not your partner's.

So, it is not a matter of "am I right or wrong?" but "is what I am doing in the relationship for the highest good of God and my partner?"

 

[Silverback]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

This will sound harsh, but let her go, and run time the wind. In the end what she went through has, and will, adversely affect every relationship she gets into, not just with men, but with friendships, her parents, sibblings, extended family, and even her own children later in life. At some point it will detrimental to you as well.

You seem like a nice guy, and she may be a nice lady, but, she will always carry this baggage with her, that means as long as you are with her you will carry it as well. We usually have a hard time carrying our own load.I

Just advice, take it or leave it.

 

[Rescued One]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

My 2 cents:

I would be furious if a guy did that to me. Don't pin me up against a wall EVER! Yes, my husband kissed me before we were engaged, but not in a forceful way. and given her horrible experience, I'm sure she would never want to see you again. I suggest that you ask her if she would mind being kissed.

 

[com7fy8]

In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man".

I would say that kissing or other physically intimate activity is not at all an indication of manhood. But being able to feel for her is.

I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away.

I believe God is able to change her so she can relate well with you and others. But I think this should be obviously starting before you even think of getting romantic and marrying her. Even if you were to gain her trust so she is fine with intimate sharing with you, she needs to be changed by God so she does not allow her past to have power over her, to effect her other relating. I think she could fall in love with you, but still not be able to live healed of her past; so I would not encourage her to get close to you without God really doing what she needs in her. Because her falling for you in such a way could be in weakness, plus there likely would be problems which you do not need to be involved with.

You say you have had trouble with her. You might pay attention to what the triggers were, not only what could get her going but what could get you into it with her. And this needs to be corrected by God, so both of you are relating in His love, with self control, instead . . . more and more as we grow, of course, but making obvious progress. Possibly, you need to get into more sharing with mature Christian people who know you and can see through you so they can effectively help you get correction which God wants.

You have an issue, too. You are letting yourself feel down about what has no real thing to do with being a godly person. Meanwhile, she is letting past trouble keep on having power over her. So, you both need to get wise and find out how to love with stability and strength against things like that. You both are letting yourselves be under the power of things that are not God communicating with you in His love. Trust God about this. And do not accept less than what the Bible says about how to live in God's love.

Are you feeding on how God's word says to be and to live in His love? What has helped you? Has she talked about this? In case she is not going in such a direction . . . I would say you need to be very careful about how much you share with her, and make sure you are doing what you yourself need to do.

 

[Evan Wright]

I think the best way to get those thoughts out of your head is to do exactly what you did in this post. You spoke the truth to it. You're probably exactly right when you say that if you were to do that - you would traumatize her (and I doubt she'd ever go out with you again). She shared her vulnerability with you - please remain aware of her fears. It doesn't make you less of a man to NOT do that - it makes you less of a violent and abusive man, though (which is an excellent thing). I'd hope that you stay with your convictions - because it seems that you're caring and thoughtful.

Thank you. Ever since she told me that, I try to be as supportive and caring of her, but not to controlling to where I almost try and fix her. I understand that to a degree she has to heal on her own and deal with her own problems as do I. This is part of what makes us who we are.

I will pray for you both,as far as what you should do,I would say to just take the relationship slow.

Thank you for your prayers. I think that I am already taking things pretty slowly just from what she told me.

Did you ever hear of transferance?
You transfer your fears and problems onto others.

What are you going to do all your life? Fear saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing?

Try to get a normal relationship with a normal person IF YOU are also normal.

No relationship is normal. Everyone has flaws. Yes, I do fear saying or doing sometime that might trigger her especially if I don't mean to.

This will sound harsh, but let her go, and run time the wind. In the end what she went through has, and will, adversely affect every relationship she gets into, not just with men, but with friendships, her parents, sibblings, extended family, and even her own children later in life. At some point it will detrimental to you as well.

You seem like a nice guy, and she may be a nice lady, but, she will always carry this baggage with her, that means as long as you are with her you will carry it as well. We usually have a hard time carrying our own load.I

Just advice, take it or leave it.

Thanks. I get your advice. It's not like she walks around sad or anything like that, she just always has that traumatic experience that will always be a part of her. I think part of the reason she told me was that I don't do anything that might accidentally trigger her. I'm also fin with being in a relationship with this girl. I've liked her for over 2 years, and I don't really see myself with other girls at this point.

My 2 cents:

I would be furious if a guy did that to me. Don't pin me up against a wall EVER! Yes, my husband kissed me before we were engaged, but not in a forceful way. and given her horrible experience, I'm sure she would never want to see you again. I suggest that you ask her if she would mind being kissed.

She doesn't mind being kissed. I think she wanted to kiss me, I just declined because I had never kissed anyone before that but I know that I can only get better by doing it.

 

[GodsGrace101]

No relationship is normal. Everyone has flaws. Yes, I do fear saying or doing sometime that might trigger her especially if I don't mean to.

Everyone has flaws,,,but can you live with those flaws for a long time? I just wish you were with someone with whom you wouldn't have to worry about triggering feelings. This is something SHE also has to deal with and heal herself of...it is possible.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

You need to be gentle with this girl. Non-consensual sex is a violation of gentleness, it is aggressive and rough. You need to know that you should never do anything hinting on the side of roughness. Pinning her against a wall would be a horrific experience for a girl who had been abused. It really should not be done in a normal relationship either.

I am married and know all about sex, the reality is that sex is only good if it is done with deep love, and gentle affection, roughness, and violence in sex, is not good. It is troubling that certain men seem to think rough sex is what women need. Keep way from anything rough, be kind, gentle and affectionate.

 

[Joined2krist]

Why will you want to pin her against a wall? that's like what perverts will want to do. As a child of God, youj should view females as human beings worthy of respect. Would you like to hear that your daughter or mother was pinned against a wall by a male? Learn to live in an honorable way with her, you shouldn't do things that will lead you to sex if you aren't yet married, God bless

 

[Andrew77]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

You need to stop watching these videos, is what you need to do.

Listen, the media in this day and age, is over run with pagan crap, and it is just that... pagan crap.

If their idea of Romance was really better than G-d's views on romance, then you wouldn't see that half of hollywood divorcing every other week. Brittany Spears wouldn't be shaving her head.

Do not watch that stuff, until you get yourself to the place where you know what right and wrong is, no matter what video you are watching.

Real women do not want to shoved up against a wall, and end up groped and smothered by some drooling idiot, and nor do they get turned on and attracted by such nonsense.

As for this girl and her abuse in the past.....

I am not going to tell you not to date her. What I am going to say is that marrying a woman with abuse in her past, can be challenging. You need to understand that. This may not be a walk in the park. Does that mean you can't do it? No, but it means you may face some difficulties that other couples may not have to deal with. You need to settle that in your mind, that this could be challenging if you wish to be romantic, and she ends up being triggered by everything.

Last thing I'll say....

Unless you are ready to be married, you shouldn't be dating. I would first determine if you are seriously ready to have a wife. Because if you are just dating to mess around, and goof off, then you are just setting yourself up for hurt and pain getting involved with this girl, especially if she has problems like this.

 

[Sketcher]

Hello, I've made s few posts in this thread before and you all probably already know my story. I've been going on dates with this girl for some time I think it's going well even though we are kind of in a rough spot right now (Pray for us) but that's not was this is about. On our 2nd date we discussed alot of things relating to us. One thing that she told me was that she was essentially sexually assaulted as a child and that the first time she had sex it was a non consensual experience that she didn't want to do. This has caused her to be insecure about certain aspects of her life and what not. She told me that she has slot of triggers like being touched in certain places and I try to avoid setting off those triggers. It did shock me that she decided to tell me this after only 2 dates. I still really care for this girl alot, and I want to be there for her. However sometimes when I look around at everyone else's relationship that seem so perfect it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. For example I was watching this random video, (I don't even know how I got here) and it was about how he hooked up with his friends ex(don't mind the title of the video stay with me here). In one part of the video he was talking about how they were holding hands and he pinned her up against the wall and was about to kiss her and it made me think, "is there something wrong with me because I don't try and to this with her, am I less of a man". Bear in mind I haven't been kissed a girl yet in my entire life but thoughts like these creep into my mind and I feel like they are the devil's trying to keep me down. I know that if I were to do something like this with her she might see get traumatized and it might triggered her or what not and I don't want that to happen but I just don't know how I can make these thoughts that bring me down go away. I've been praying alot recently and trying to read passages on fully trusting him, and it's helped. Is there anyone who has been Inna similar situation or has advice?

P.S. If there was anything in this post that was unclear just tell and I will clarify.

1) Your relationship is different from his relationship, and that's not a bad thing. Be the best you, and treat her the way she needs to be treated.
2) This other guy sounds like a sleazeball. If he didn't have permission from his friend to date said friend's ex, he is a sleazeball, and is primarily concerned about what he can get. You on the other hand, are concerned about what this girl needs. This is good on you, not bad.

Kiss her when it's time, and when it's time, be a gentleman about it. Be more sure of yourself without sacrificing decency and kindness and goodness. Don't play the game that your polar opposites play, you won't be good enough at it to get away with it.

 

[Evan Wright]

1) Your relationship is different from his relationship, and that's not a bad thing. Be the best you, and treat her the way she needs to be treated.
2) This other guy sounds like a sleazeball. If he didn't have permission from his friend to date said friend's ex, he is a sleazeball, and is primarily concerned about what he can get. You on the other hand, are concerned about what this girl needs. This is good on you, not bad.

Kiss her when it's time, and when it's time, be a gentleman about it. Be more sure of yourself without sacrificing decency and kindness and goodness. Don't play the game that your polar opposites play, you won't be good enough at it to get away with it.

Thanks for your advice. Ever since she told me I've been crushing hard on her nonstop. Its made me like her even more and I'll be sure to be very gentle and kids as well.

To everyone else. Thanks for the positive support, and helpful messages. It really helped put lots of things into perspective