I need some help

[Being Humbled]

My boyfriend and I have just been given the chance to live in the same state by God. He move here in December. We had a long distance relationship for 10 months of our 1 year relationship. When we were still in the long distance relationship, things were VERY tough. When we first met (online) and started talking on the phone, everything was so amazing, and we were definitely in love. He came out to visit me, and every thing was awesome that week. Then he came to visit me again, and things weren't awesome... we were kind of fussing. The next time I saw him, 6 months later, was when I went out to visit him. When I went out there, everything was AMAZING!!! He and I were going to come back here so he could live, and I thought that it would stay amazing -- Well... it's not... and it's me.

I am not feeling anything. I love him SO much! I love everything about him! One of the major things that makes me rethink everything is how emotional he is... Sometimes, he acts depressed if he's feeling down. Even if he has upset me, and I tell him what's wrong, he gets really upset, which forces me to not be upset so I can comfort him, when I was upset in the first place because of something he did. Does that seem wierd to you?? Ever since he started doing this, I've been thinking, "Can I really live with this for the rest of my life??"

He tells me that God has already told him that we are supposed to be married.. God hasn't told me. I *want* to marry him, but I'm feeling very wierd right now... almost like I am emotionless. I want to hug him, and kiss him and feel something when I'm doing that... but I don't... The thing is... when it doesn't happen, I feel even worse. I don't know what God is trying to tell me... I thought at one point that we were supposed to get married... now I am not sure. I don't know what God wants. I've been praying about it all. I'm not feeling any different. Could it be that I am scared of marriage? I mean, I've been in relationships in the past were I've thought I was going to marry a guy - That happened twice... Could I be scared of making a mistake??

If you can, please help... I really need it. Thank you

 

[TJMan2050]

I'm kinda in the same boat, except for me there is nothing about her that makes me wonder if I should continue the relationship, yet I still wonder if I can love her, maybe we both are scared of making that decision and making a mistake who knows, but for you, if you don't think you can live with something about the person you are dating, then it will only get worse if you marry him, anything that bugs you know I've heard only gets more pronounced in marriage, so yeah, and well praying and such is awesome, I pray that you will be sure about stuff. I mean for me I love everything pretty much about my girlfriend, sure there are some things maybe I would like, but not anything significant worth breaking up, yet I feel like God is trying to tell me something, not sure whether that is break up, take a break or continue. but for you in my opinion I would seriously consider not continuing the relationship, behavioral patterns that you aren't sure about in terms of living with them, will likely not change, so you need to pray and figure out if you could live with that type of thing. Ok... Trust in God, and he will show you the way. God Bless...

 

[Being Humbled]

TJ

Thank you for your post. I appreciate you writing me back. I love everything about him except for that one thing. It just seems a bit... off to me... It's almost like he is the girl with reguards to the emotions in the relationship, rather than me. Maybe I'm just being wierd and thinking that should be my "thing" in the relationship - to be the one who gets emotional... and the man be the strong one. I am a very emotional person, but it seems to be cut off whenever I do get upset, because he gets really upset that I'm upset, and then, like I said, I have to get over it so I can comfort him.

I know that with all people, there is going to be some things that we are going to have to decide whether or not we will overlook them, or if we can't, then not to be with that person for the rest of our lives. He's such a sweet guy. He takes care of me, and is everything I've ever dreamed of. I've just never met a guy who is that emotional before, so it's shocking. Sometimes it's not as dramatic as others, but other times -- it's almost like he is depressed.

When we are hugging, or if he kisses me, I don't feel anything... and I want so much to return the affection and love to him... but I just don't want to be fake if I am not feeling it, you know? I can't imagine my life without him, but I just want to FEEL the love that I have for him. I used to feel it (and it was only a couple of months ago, when I went out to visit him), and I was very affectionate with him. And then there are some days that I feel that way... and then some that I don't...

I'm still not sure what to do. But I'm still praying about it

 

[TJMan2050]

I know what you mean, its hard to decide, I mean I'll be first to admit, my gf is awesome! but she isn't necessarily perfect, I mean nothing that really bugs me regularly, but it sometimes feels like the feeling side is missing, like everybody always seems to be so emotionally into it, but for me its always in my head, I love her in my head, and then my heart only jumps in when I feel like i"m losing her or something because I can't feel so strongly, I don't know if I can love her, I want to, she's awesome, but I'm like do I have enough fun with her do I want to spend life with her, I mean I've felt those things, but not regularly, like I know I could spend my life with a girl like her, but do a really want to? what makes her better then another girl? you know. I also don't know if it would be a good idea to talk to her about it, I mean she's like one of my best friends too... I don't know, I'll pray for you, since often it seems in relationships like this, there isn't a biblical right and wrong, so prayer is the only thing... God bless...

 

[Being Humbled]

TJ
Thank you so much for your prayers! I'll be praying for you as much as God puts it in my heart to pray for you! I am praying to God a lot about it all, because I really, really care about him!! I WANT these things out of our relationship, but like you said - the feeling side of it is missing. I want it there... Maybe that is what we should be praying for?? God, give us the feelings and emotions that come with loving another person.

Also, one thing that my friend asked me today was "do y'all go on dates?" And I was like... "no... not really." She asked me "What do y'all do on the weekends?" I told her "hang out with my parents, or hang out around my apartment." And she said "Well, that's not very much fun! Y'all should go on dates! It's necessary to keep things lively! I mean, my fiance and I don't have a lot of extra spending money, but we'll go to the mall, and hang out there, or we'll go play with dogs at an adoption place. But y'all should try doing that!" So I think I am going to give that a try! I had been thinking about that today while I was at work and in school -- I was thinking we need to go out and do the things we love doing! That would spice up the relationship!!

Well, let me know what you think! And let me know what you're going to try with your girlfriend! Thank you again so much for writing back! You're Blessed

 

[TJMan2050]

Funny thing is that I have actually thought that, because often when we spend time at her place, (its usually there because her parents are a little uptight about her driving on the freeway) but we have fun, but we end up like talk, watching a movie which is good, then sometimes maybe more then we should, but not often making out... anyways, usually we have a blast with dates, but I think it would be good, but I think I may have figured out my problem, which is mainly I need to step back, and figure out my relationship with God and how I keep it first and alive and passionate over my gf and my relationship, so hopefully that goes well, becuase I still don't want to lose her, but I feel that without a fuller more passionate relationship with God, I won't have the full passionate relationship with her, or anybody else whether friends family, or if it happens a different gf in the future. But in terms of what I would do, I've wanted to go on a hike up to these mountains, but being winter its hard, otherwise yeah I haven't really thought of it, because those are the situations where you find things that you both have in common, and you both develop a passion for other things besides each other, so who knows, but I'll try to keep praying for you when God puts it on my heart. God bless...

 

[InTheFlame]

My boyfriend and I have just been given the chance to live in the same state by God.

How do you know the chance was given by God?

He move here in December. We had a long distance relationship for 10 months of our 1 year relationship. When we were still in the long distance relationship, things were VERY tough.

Why were things tough? Do you mean you were missing each other, or that you were having trouble getting along?

When we first met (online) and started talking on the phone, everything was so amazing, and we were definitely in love.

Sorry to be blunt, but NO, you were definitely infatuated. Infatuation is all about feelings, and that's what you were having, right? Warm fuzzies at the thought of him, etc?

He came out to visit me, and every thing was awesome that week. Then he came to visit me again, and things weren't awesome... we were kind of fussing. The next time I saw him, 6 months later, was when I went out to visit him. When I went out there, everything was AMAZING!!! He and I were going to come back here so he could live, and I thought that it would stay amazing -- Well... it's not... and it's me.

You've just learnt the cardinal rule of relationships. THey NEVER stay amazing.

I am not feeling anything. I love him SO much! I love everything about him!

What do you love about him?

One of the major things that makes me rethink everything is how emotional he is... Sometimes, he acts depressed if he's feeling down. Even if he has upset me, and I tell him what's wrong, he gets really upset, which forces me to not be upset so I can comfort him, when I was upset in the first place because of something he did. Does that seem wierd to you??

Nope, it's classic manipulative behaviour. You see, when someone's upset, generally we feel upset too... and want them to stop feeling upset so WE feel better. He's found that the best way to stop YOU feeling upset is to get really upset himself. The best way to handle it is probably to sit down when you're both feeling calm and rational, and talk about it gently and calmly. And if he gets upset and/or starts saying how terrible he is, stop the conversation and walk out. Let him know beforehand that he needs to be sensible and calm about this sort of thing.

Ever since he started doing this, I've been thinking, "Can I really live with this for the rest of my life??"

Sensible thing to be thinking, I reckon!

He tells me that God has already told him that we are supposed to be married.. God hasn't told me.

Hrmmmmm. I'm always suspicious of 'God told me we're supposed to be together' ... 99% of the time it seems to be wishful thinking wrapped up in pseudo-religion... and what it's really saying is 'my own fleshly desires, my true god, are telling me that I need to bind this person to me'.

I *want* to marry him, but I'm feeling very wierd right now... almost like I am emotionless. I want to hug him, and kiss him and feel something when I'm doing that... but I don't...

This is VERY normal. He's not acknowledging your feelings and dealing with problems like an adult. So you're building up resentment towards him... and your emotions are following by not finding him as attractive anymore, because he's not meeting your emotional needs.

The thing is... when it doesn't happen, I feel even worse. I don't know what God is trying to tell me... I thought at one point that we were supposed to get married... now I am not sure. I don't know what God wants. I've been praying about it all. I'm not feeling any different.

Have you considered that could be an answer in and of itself?

Could it be that I am scared of marriage? I mean, I've been in relationships in the past were I've thought I was going to marry a guy - That happened twice... Could I be scared of making a mistake??

I suspect you're being sensible. However, you seem to lack understanding of relationship dynamics (don't feel bad - if no-one taught you maths, would you feel bad about not understanding trigonometry?)... and I think it's leading you into problems.

First - DON'T marry anyone unless you're absolutely sure that you can cope with their faults for the rest of your life.

Second - Read some books about relationships. Have a look at Boundaries in Dating (Drs Cloud and Townsend) if you can get hold of a copy. Have a LONG think about why you love this guy and what you love about him. Things that are good to love about someone are -

- their kindness and concern for strangers
- their way of dealing with conflicts (being able to compromise, but not give up on things that're very important to them)
- their way of dealing with criticism (examining it humbly for truth, and applying change to their life if it IS truth)
- their capacity for love (see below)
- the way they treat their parents (with love and respect, but not unthinking obedience)
- their integrity
- their ability to work for YOUR best interests over their own selfish desires

Here's a good definition of love... see if you and your bf can fit all of these... because they're all essential in marriage...

<insert bf's name here> is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. He isn't selfish or quick tempered. He doesn't keep a record of wrongs that I do. He rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. He is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
(see 1 Corinthians 13)

I am kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. I'm not selfish or quick tempered. I don't keep a record of wrongs that he does. I rejoice in the truth, but not in evil. I am always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.

(btw... 'hope' in the bible always refers to something concrete, that WILL happen... not a maybe)

Hope that helps. God bless.

 

[Being Humbled]

ITF -- I really need to think about everything you've written down. I am about to go to bed, so I will write more tomorrow after I have thought about everything... Thank you so much for writing to me. I think I'll have a few questions for you to clarify what you were saying in your post. I'll write more tomorrow

And the comment about my building up resentment towards him --> I wouldn't doubt that's true

TJ -- I really need to put God first in my life, and in the relationship also. I am getting a lot better about putting God first in my own life -- Not so much in the relationship though. I'll write more tomorrow -- I need to get some sleep before classes tomorrow morning. Thank you again I know God will show you the way to go so you can become close with Him and put Him first in all things.

 

[Being Humbled]

ITF --

How do you know the chance was given by God?

I know this was a chance given to us by God because my boyfriend and I had prayed so many times to God asking Him to let him come live here. It never happened. My boyfriend's parents were even praying about it, and everyone felt peace about it - And that is the way God speaks to us: peacefully. We all felt peace in our hearts about him moving out here, and so he followed God's will, and came.

Why were things tough? Do you mean you were missing each other, or that you were having trouble getting along?

We were missing each other, and have little spats over silly little things. Sometimes we would also have spats over us not being able to be together. The long distance was wearing on us. The time in between visits would be 6 months or more. We just wanted to be together right then, so we could have what we thought to be a "real" relationship - where two people are in the same state, seeing one another each day. (I know there are more and more LDR's now which is why I said "What we thought to be...")

Sorry to be blunt, but NO, you were definitely infatuated. Infatuation is all about feelings, and that's what you were having, right? Warm fuzzies at the thought of him, etc?

Okay - I do agree with you here. Although, I don't use the word infatuated because I think that EVERYONE is in love when they first are dating someone. (That's just how I see it - but to me, the in love or honeymoon period is the same to me as infatuated is with you.)

You've just learnt the cardinal rule of relationships. THey NEVER stay amazing.

I've learned this in past relationships. I think that stinks! But I do believe a relationship can be very, very good to where two people don't argue every day, and they get along, and only have spats every so often. Do most relationships go through a "let's fuss" period? In my last relationship, it stayed that way for 2 and 1/2 years out of the 3 years we were together - Finally, we saw that it just wasn't meant to be, so we broke up.

What do you love about him?

I love how he is so passionate about the talents God has given him.
I love how he is such a hard worker at work.
I love how he is considerate of my feelings for the most part.
I love that he is devoting his life to God.
I love that he is stepping up to be the leader in this relationship by asking us to pray together, do devotionals together, read in the Bible together, asking me questions to strengthen my faith and my walk with God. See, we had a problem with this one because somehow, the roles of a man and woman got switched with us. I was being the leader, and he was being submissive. We are now working on switching that around. (I know that's a problem that is causing some of this between us.)
I love how he is active (working out, playing sports, hiking)
I love that he loves dogs (I love dogs. I actually want to become a dog trainer. He doesn't love them as much as I do - and sometimes he gets jealous of the time I spend with the dogs... That's wierd to me also! Why would anyone get jealous of a dog??)
I love how carig he is.
I love that he's sensitive.

Nope, it's classic manipulative behaviour. You see, when someone's upset, generally we feel upset too... and want them to stop feeling upset so WE feel better. He's found that the best way to stop YOU feeling upset is to get really upset himself. The best way to handle it is probably to sit down when you're both feeling calm and rational, and talk about it gently and calmly. And if he gets upset and/or starts saying how terrible he is, stop the conversation and walk out. Let him know beforehand that he needs to be sensible and calm about this sort of thing.

This is the thing you said that has gotten me to think the most... I do need to talk with him. Is he doing this on purpose??? And he gets even MORE upset if I walk out after stopping the conversation, and he'll keep on bugging me and bugging me to keep talking. And he says things like, "This isn't the way to handle this - just walking out on it. You can't give up here." But then I tell him "But I told you, that when you get upset, I am going to just leave you alone, because the only thing that makes you feel better is when you pray to God and let Him deal with how you're feeling." Then I usually go into my bedroom, lock the door, so he doesn't come in, and read in my Bible or read a book. Sometimes he won't talk to me for the rest of the night, but most of the time, he'll ask me to let him say goodnight, and then we either say goodnight or he starts talking about it all. (Which he usually tries to do the latter, but I typically stop him.) Have I done what you were telling me? Or do you think we should talk more about this?

Hrmmmmm. I'm always suspicious of 'God told me we're supposed to be together' ... 99% of the time it seems to be wishful thinking wrapped up in pseudo-religion... and what it's really saying is 'my own fleshly desires, my true god, are telling me that I need to bind this person to me'.

How come you think this way? Can't God tell someone that they are supposed to marry another person? I just don't understand why *I* am not feeling or hearing God tell me anything??? For you, how would you know that God is letting you know that this person is the one for you? And is it the same for the man that you'd be having a relationship with?

This is VERY normal. He's not acknowledging your feelings and dealing with problems like an adult. So you're building up resentment towards him... and your emotions are following by not finding him as attractive anymore, because he's not meeting your emotional needs.

This is another thing you've said that's got me thinking a lot. How is he not acknowledging my feelings? By getting emotional himself? That situation? I can admit, he does not handle things like an adult sometimes. I do wish he would. How can he meet my emotional needs? I don't even know what they are... I don't think, lol... I feel very confused in this situation. I was talking with God yesterday, and I was saying, "God, I have NEVER not known how I feel before... What is up with this??" I truly just don't even know how I feel anymore in this situation. I don't know what I want out of it, and I just don't feel like I know anything... it's very frustrating!

Have you considered that could be an answer in and of itself?

Which part is the answer? The part about "when it doesn't happen, I feel even worse." Or the part about "I don't know what God is trying to tell me... I thought at one point that we were supposed to get married... now I am not sure. I don't know what God wants. I've been praying about it all. I am not feeling any different." ?? I am guessing you mean the second part... and I definitely won't make any snap judgements about it all.

You know, I've talked with him about this stuff a little bit (about how I don't feel) and he told me "If we ever broke up, I'd probably move back, quit my job (he is working for my parents), and I don't think I'd be able to talk with you for a couple of weeks." When he first moved, he told me he was doing it because God told him it was His will. And his parents were also saying it's God's will because they had prayed about it also. But I don't understand why he'd say stuff like that if God told him to move here for His will?? It sounds to me, from that response of his, that he moved here for me. I've told him that, and he says "Well, God could have me come back later in life." That whole conversation just confuses me more, because I want him here because GOD told him to come here, not because he wanted to be with me... I mean, I know I was a factor, but I wanted it to be God's will first, then other things.

First - DON'T marry anyone unless you're absolutely sure that you can cope with their faults for the rest of your life.

Second - Read some books about relationships. Have a look at Boundaries in Dating (Drs Cloud and Townsend) if you can get hold of a copy. Have a LONG think about why you love this guy and what you love about him. Things that are good to love about someone are -

- their kindness and concern for strangers
- their way of dealing with conflicts (being able to compromise, but not give up on things that're very important to them)
- their way of dealing with criticism (examining it humbly for truth, and applying change to their life if it IS truth)
- their capacity for love (see below)
- the way they treat their parents (with love and respect, but not unthinking obedience)
- their integrity
- their ability to work for YOUR best interests over their own selfish desires

Here's a good definition of love... see if you and your bf can fit all of these... because they're all essential in marriage...

<insert bf's name here> is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. He isn't selfish or quick tempered. He doesn't keep a record of wrongs that I do. He rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. He is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
(see 1 Corinthians 13)

I am kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. I'm not selfish or quick tempered. I don't keep a record of wrongs that he does. I rejoice in the truth, but not in evil. I am always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.

(btw... 'hope' in the bible always refers to something concrete, that WILL happen... not a maybe)

I wouldn't marry someone unless I was absolutely sure that I could cope with their faults for the rest of my life. I'll try to find that book you mentioned. He is kind to strangers, I'm not sure if he's concerned about them though. He somtimes seems a bit judgemental and skeptical, but that could be just my perception. He's typically pretty good with conflicts and compromising, but not giving up. He is definitely NOT good with dealing with criticism. I think sometimes it's the way I go about telling him though. I know he strives for all of those things in 1 Corinthians. He treats his parents very well. He's not that physically affectionate or emotionally effectionate with them - or really just affectionate at all - but they do have great relationships with one another. Everyone has to work on their integrity, and he has good morals. He's only 21, so he and I have a lot of growing and learning still to do. He is, for the most part (the whole emotional thing) working for my best interests over his own. I think I need to work on a lot of those things you mentioned... but when I try to, I just don't FEEL it! It's so frustrating! I mean, if I were feeling something, I know I could work on it so much better.

I am still a bit confused, and frustrated with this situation since I still am feeling emotionless toward it all... it's so strange to me...

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hey Humble,

First of all It seems like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, and so I just wanted to say - take a deep breath, and just let your shoulders 'relax' for a couple of minutes!

I'm going to leave Flame to answer most of the things you were talking about, but as Flame's friend (and someone whose learnt a bit from her, and has also had her as a bit of an 'inspiration' in some ways to think outside the square), I can vouch for her postings - they're very wise (and based in rational, healthy thought, that 99% of the time also happens to line up with the Bible)...

But, there was something in your posts that stood out to me, that I'd like to address, if that's okay with you. Just because I think you said something very valid, and you may need to think about a little bit more.

You stated, in your last post, that <"He's only 21, so he and I have a lot of growing and learning still to do" . >

I think you hit on something pretty important there. You acknowledge yourself that you and he BOTH need to do some growing/learning about this whole thing, and judging from your displeasure about some of YOUR behaviours, as well as some of HIS, I'd venture that a lot of this growing and learning would need to happen on your own, without complications such as a relationship. My point being - how can you have a healthy relationship, when you're still trying to work out healthy behaviours on your own?

You stated a couple of posts back that as well as his handling of criticism, you are unhappy with the way you voice your criticism. Now whether that means you nag, avoid, get silent and storm off - whatever, the fact is you've been very mature in stating that you DO have a problem with voicing your criticism of him, and good on you. It can often be IMPOSSIBLE for someone even 10 years older than yourself to admit they have their own problems, when talking about a relationship conflict. Well done!

For you, are you having problems with voicing criticism towards HIM or to ANYONE?

Because, if it is just to him, I would imagine that it could be because you are worried that it could turn him 'off' you, by the way you criticise him (that was my problem when I hated the way I criticised my ex) - and it could just mean working together to decipher how best to challenge (instead of criticise) someone on their behaviour, and how to handle getting that challenge from your SO.

If, however, it is because you are unhappy with the way you criticise/challenge ANYONE on their behaviour, then I would venture to say that this is something you need to work on ALONE, and may require a 'time out' from your relationship, in order to do so.

Either way, you've established to yourself that you are both still very young, and as a result probably still have slightly immature ways of dealing with issues/conflicts/discussions, etc etc. It seems that it would do you two a world of good to lay off all the talking about engagement, serious relationship, etc etc UNTIL you have sorted out the fact that there IS immaturity in your relationship, and have started to mature in the way you handle criticism, conflicts, differing beliefs, etc etc. An engagement/marriage will not cure any of this, if there is still immaturity hanging around most of the time when you are having conflicts in your relationship.

I'm not saying immaturity should be wiped out ENTIRELY - I know that even though my bf and I have got a fairly good grasp on how to handle things maturely when we disagree with one another, we can resort back to immature behaviour when we are tired/overworked/frustrated about something else, etc etc - however, it should be almost non-existent during 'non-stress' times, before you can start heading down paths such as engagement, for example.

I'll leave Flame to address the rest of your post (because I think she'll do a pretty good job at it all), but I just wanted to leave that with you. Have a think about what you said up there about both of you needing to still do a lot of growing and learning in yourselves, and reflect on what I've said to you here.

I'll apologise immediately if I've taken things further than what you meant, but when I read that sentence, I couldn't shake it out of my head (even when I went and read a bunch of other life stage forums), and felt I needed to come back here and post this to you.

Anyway have a think, a pray, grab the book that Flame was talking about, and God bless you in what you end up deciding...

Sasch

 

[Being Humbled]

Sascha

Thank you for the hug! back to you!!! I surely do have a lot on my plate right now. I actually did take a deep breath and let my shoulders "relax" for a couple of minutes! So, thank you for that.

You know -- I love him so much, and I KNOW he'd make a great husband, but like you said, I really need to step back, and maybe take a break from the relationship so I can work on the things I need to work on.

My point being - how can you have a healthy relationship, when you're still trying to work out healthy behaviours on your own?

I completely know you're true with this statement!!!

I know I don't voice my criticism very well to him at all... he tells me all the time... I guess I just haven't taken out the time to figure out how to talk with him in a way that would better serve him, and make him not feel upset. (I can be really mean sometimes!!) And it typically is a problem with just him... sometimes with other people -- but I am more humble and sensitive with other people. For some reason, I am not humble or sensitve what so ever with him... I hate it!!! Grrr -- I say it in such a mean way, and then when he gets upset about what I'm saying, I storm off - so it's a mixture of things.

I"m never as mean to other people (unless it's my parents frustrating me) as I am towards him... I feel bad for him... it's just when I am telling him something, I get really annoyed, and start being mean! It's like I can't stop it -- and then when I do try to stop it... that's where my "emotionless" comes in to play. Gosh... I do have some problems! lol I do want to work on them... I guess, I just feel... prideful and stupid when I try to change my attitude from being mean to being loving (is that wierd???) Yea, sure there are things that annoy me about him, but I'm sure I am NOT making life easier on him what-so-ever! Maybe I do need to take some time out, and work on how I react towards everyone (including him) because I feel if I were to work on this, and change it by myself, then I could come back to the relationship and have it not be a problem. I definitely don't want this to be a problem in a marriage (whether it's to him, or someone else).

I do think we are both immature in the way we handle things. Thank you for taking time to help me realize this! You have in NO way overstepped any boundary! I REALLY appreciate your help! I mean -- I want for my relationship to be pretty immature-free before I get married, and if we know how to communicate with one another, and compromise for one another, then I think we could talk about marriage. But until then, I don't think we should be talking about it. I know that there will be times that we'll fuss and be immature, but as long as we can get our heads back on straight, and return to being calm and rational, then I think we'll be ready for a life-long commitment. With immaturity brings silly fights, that if we were being mature about the situation, we could handle it in a more productive manner! I completely agree with you when you said that it should be almost non-existend during "non-stress" times before we can start heading down paths such as engagement. I definitely know that getting married or engaged doesn't change the problems you have -- it will just continue to fester and grow if you leave them to do so.

Thank you SO much Sascha for you insight! You put your thoughts so amazingly into words! God is speaking to me through you, which is AWESOME!!! And I know that my boyfriend won't mind us taking a break to work on our problems. Because, even as friends, we can help one another with those issues we're having within ourselves.

I am going to be thinking more today on all of the things I need to work on, so I can come home and discuss them with my boyfriend. And then, do you think it'd be bad to ask him to do the same (think of things he needs to work on) -- That way when we discuss this issue, we can both recognize our immature behavior, and KNOW for sure what we need to be praying about and working on with Christ.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I really appreciate it Sascha!!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

You're welcome, being humbled!

Thank you for being so receptive to what I said. It's often hard for me to express what I'm trying to say clearly and concisely, so I'm glad you understood my gist. I'm praying for you sweetie!

A lot of your post reminds me of how my relationship used to be, and it took us a LONG LONG while of just being friends with distance (which is hard when I was living with him!), before either of us were in any place to handle a relationship maturely, and not keep seeing immaturity stunt our relationship from growing. We've been talking about marriage since we got back together, and I'm still being careful to guard my heart until a couple more issues have been clearly resolved, and refuse to let myself think about it, until I have gotten a clear indication of how he feels about a couple of things (children, for example).

It never hurts to protect your heart in a relationship, and not get swept away by all the romance, until you are sure you can trust both yourself and your boyfriend to be healthy, mature and God-driven in the majority of your relationship.

Praying for ya!

Sasch

 

[Being Humbled]

Sascha

That sounds like it would be hard to be just friends with distance while y'all were living together. My boyfriend and I are living together (since he just moved here -- He just got a job, so he's saving up to get an apartment. He is moving out though when he has enough money to do so.) So do you think we can work on this while still being a couple? Or do you think being friends for now would be best? I mean, our relationship is basically like a friendship, not a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. I don't think we are able to handle a relationship maturely right now, I totally believe that the immaturity is stunting us from growing together. I'm not sure how he'll feel about being just friends while we work everything out. When you and your boyfriend were being just friends -- Did you tell one another you love them? Or how did you act? What was appropriate, and what wasn't?

I do think it would be healthy for both of us to think about how we are in the relationship, and think about how we WANT to be. Also to be working on how we handle things and situations -- we DEFINITELY need to mature up a lot!

I do think I am protecting my heart. In my past relationships, I never protected my heart, and look what happened. It always got hurt... No need for that, huh? I really want to be healthy, mature and God-driven in this relationship -- and I *definitely* want for him to be that way also!!

Thank you again Sascha!! And thank you for your prayers! Anything I can pray for you about??

 

[JWBZ SVT]

I am not feeling anything. I love him SO much! I love everything about him! One of the major things that makes me rethink everything is how emotional he is... Sometimes, he acts depressed if he's feeling down. Even if he has upset me, and I tell him what's wrong, he gets really upset, which forces me to not be upset so I can comfort him, when I was upset in the first place because of something he did. Does that seem wierd to you?? Ever since he started doing this, I've been thinking, "Can I really live with this for the rest of my life??"

1 Corinthians 13 tells you what love is. Feelings come and go and like our Spiritual walk, we can't base everything on feelings. Fact, faith, then feelings. The guy made a really bold move (literally) to be with you. I'm sure you feel pressure with that alone...i.e., if it doesn't work out then you will feel the guilt of that on top of the relationship ending. It sounds like your boyfriend loves you and that you are blessed to have someone love you so much. I wonder if he suspects that you aren't quite as into him as he is into you? You may think that you can hide that, but actual spoken words compose the least, percentage wise, in communication. That 'could' explain why he gets so upset even if he is at fault. My advice is to focus on the friendship part and to pray with him to Him. If the only time you kiss and console him (showing him that you care) is when he is that upset, then I'd bet a dollar to a doughnut that already feels you pulling back. You can usually tell when kissing someone if they are into the kiss or holding hands etc...without a word ever being spoken. I suspect that you may not truly appreciate what you have.

Scared of marriage....nah, be scared of divorce!! Stay in God's word. I heard Pastor John Hagee say, "People who have Bibles that are falling apart have marriages that are not." I am divorced (for over a year), and I personally know the shame, embarrassment, hurt, and anger. I no longer feel this because God is my Deliverer. If you no longer find joy and comfort in the relationship and focusing on the friendship doesn't bring the two of you back then you will have some decisions to make. I pray that God heals the two of you and gives you peace.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Hey

In hindsight, I wish I would have moved out during that 'just friends' time (I started looking at moving out once we were dating - and did so 3 months later). It became really hard to keep to the 'just friends' ideal, when we both wanted otherwise. The only thing that kept either of us from doing ANYTHING that could have caused doubt to the status of our relationship (and the status of our purity) was our (and mostly my) determination that we were not going to head down ANY kind of relationship path, until we'd worked out the mistakes we'd made last time, and proved to one another, that this was for our INDIVIDUAL health, and not just so we'd make a good, healthy couple! Once I'd explained to B why I was holding off from jumping straight back into a relationship (we had a thorough conversation in May of last year that I felt both of us had matured enough to consider a longterm relationship again, but didn't get back into it until September - and I only did this after lots of prayer, soulsearching, observation and accountability from a woman at my church), it made sense to him, and he was willing to take the time out as well, and observe me as well, and ultimately the final decision was made between us, and if either of us still felt uneasy about it, then we were just going to walk away for good.

I needed a boyfriend that was starting to relate healthily in EVERY part of his life, and for himself, not just for me. Same for me - I needed to see in myself that I was shaping my character to help myself individually in growing, and not just so I'd make a good girlfriend/wife for B. It is dangerous territory when the only reason you are changing your character just for your partner - because what happens if that partner is no longer with you? You need to be growing and developing for yourself and for God - your partner should really not affect your desire to change and grow.

There is a balance in this though. Of course you need to be growing and developing for your OWN maturity, and not just to 'keep' a partner interested in you/get their attention, but you should also listen to any concerns they may have about your behaviour and see if what they are seeing has any weight to it, and if it is something you should consider improving in.

For example, I'd ignore B if he was telling me 'just tell me nice things, don't ever share issues with me', because that's just unhealthy! However, if he was saying things like 'when you mock me in front of my friends, I feel like dirt, and that you are embarrassed to be with me' - that would make me sit up and take notice, and really try working on that. So there's some weight to listening to what your partner may bring up as a concern about you, and starting to work on that on your own.

From the last couple of posts, it sounds like the immaturity is preventing any growth in the relationship, and is actually stunting the relationship itself from moving forward. That would be a 'yellow flag' in my mind. A stunted relationship is one of the most dangerous kind, because there is no purpose, and there is no health. It's can often turn into a 'flagging' thing that is just there, because the alternative is just too painful. To me, it sounds like separating from each other, and working on the individual characteristics seems wise, but as I don't really know you, I wouldn't be taking it as gospel. I can only advise from what you've written.

When you get past all the 'lovey/dovey/infatuation/I can't live without him' stuff that will be floating around inside, what is it DEEP DOWN that you want? Are you prepared to keep a flagging relationship around just because it's 'comfortable', and have all these issues bothering you? Who are you wanting to change for - yourself and your life as a whole, or just for him? How does this relationship impact on your ability to focus on God, and your ability to mature in your own life? If this relationship is impeeding your growth (from what you've hinted, it sounds like you'd be in your late teens/early 20s, and as that is a MAJOR time of adjustment and growth as a person from child to adult, child to woman, relationships more often than not distort and stunt this process), then it would probably be a wise decision to slow down, and address things before going further. If this relationship CAN'T slow down at this point, then there is a problem, and stepping back from the relationship completely could help you out a lot in the long term.

Lots of prayer coming your way - and ask God! It might be a good idea to ask an older woman at church you trust to come alongside you as a mentor, and help you through this difficult time.

God bless you!

Sasch

 

[InTheFlame]

I know this was a chance given to us by God because my boyfriend and I had prayed so many times to God asking Him to let him come live here. It never happened. My boyfriend's parents were even praying about it, and everyone felt peace about it - And that is the way God speaks to us: peacefully. We all felt peace in our hearts about him moving out here, and so he followed God's will, and came.

Kewl That sounds sensible. I see a lot of people making wild 'god wants' statements with very little to back them up. Sounds like you actually have a basis for your belief though!

We were missing each other, and have little spats over silly little things. Sometimes we would also have spats over us not being able to be together. The long distance was wearing on us. The time in between visits would be 6 months or more. We just wanted to be together right then, so we could have what we thought to be a "real" relationship - where two people are in the same state, seeing one another each day. (I know there are more and more LDR's now which is why I said "What we thought to be...")

I think you're right in a way, an LDR is in some senses not a 'real' relationship. I don't mean that disparagingly... it's just that there are a couple of dimensions missing from an LDR... touch is important I think (things like holding hands - I don't understand quite WHY they're important in a relationship, but they are, for most people), but SEEING a person in their natural environment is VERY important for understanding their character... seeing how they react to little situations like the newspaper kiosk having misplaced THEIR paper, etc... and webcam can't help with that. Also, 'best foot forward' is standard in an LDR... and any issues that haven't been dealt with can be ignored because the anticipation of seeing them generally outweighs the 'blah' of undealt-with problems weighing on your hearts, creating little 'black spots' where love can't get in or out...

Whoops I went into a lecture I meant to say, think carefully about those spats. Don't ignore them because 'we were both under a lot of stress and missing each other' ... because you'll both be under a lot of emotional strain in the future, and problems with how you react to that with each other NOW, if you deal with them, will make how you react THEN a lot better for both of you. For example, if he decided not to visit because his work offered him more hours over the weekend at triple time, and you gave him the silent treatment because you felt as though his work was more of a priority than you, and he wasn't acknowledging that he was disappointing you, and you ended up finishing the phone call both angry. What could you get out of that, looking back on it? Well, first, that MAYBE he puts too much importance on work and/or money. Second, that you need to learn that the silent treatment is a 'gift' from satan - achieves nothing but hurt - so you know you need to work on communicating the fact that you're hurt and upset in a healthy way. Third, that he might need to think in advance about whether a decision of his might affect you, and acknowledge that effect - and maybe consider ways to make it up to you (eg. send you a teddy bear).

Okay - I do agree with you here. Although, I don't use the word infatuated because I think that EVERYONE is in love when they first are dating someone. (That's just how I see it - but to me, the in love or honeymoon period is the same to me as infatuated is with you.)

Yup, I agree.

I've learned this in past relationships. I think that stinks!

It's not as bad as it sounds. It's kinda like Jesus leaving his disciples so that they could receive the Holy Spirit. You lose that '*** this person overwhelmingly meets all my needs and desires' feeling, but you gain a deep appreciation for a complex human being who's slowly opening their heart, mind and soul to you... and loving you as you do the same with them.

But I do believe a relationship can be very, very good to where two people don't argue every day, and they get along, and only have spats every so often. Do most relationships go through a "let's fuss" period? In my last relationship, it stayed that way for 2 and 1/2 years out of the 3 years we were together - Finally, we saw that it just wasn't meant to be, so we broke up.

In my experience, many stay in that stage because it becomes a habit. There's a lot of vigilance required to build and maintain a healthy relationship - you need to watch things like -
- did I just speak to him with gentleness and kindness?
- is he showing disrespect to me?
- is this setting a bad precedent (ie am I happy with this sort of behaviour continuing for the next few DECADES?)
...etc.

I love how he is so passionate about the talents God has given him.
I love how he is such a hard worker at work.
I love how he is considerate of my feelings for the most part.
I love that he is devoting his life to God.
I love that he is stepping up to be the leader in this relationship by asking us to pray together, do devotionals together, read in the Bible together, asking me questions to strengthen my faith and my walk with God. See, we had a problem with this one because somehow, the roles of a man and woman got switched with us. I was being the leader, and he was being submissive. We are now working on switching that around. (I know that's a problem that is causing some of this between us.)
I love how he is active (working out, playing sports, hiking)
I love that he loves dogs (I love dogs. I actually want to become a dog trainer. He doesn't love them as much as I do - and sometimes he gets jealous of the time I spend with the dogs... That's wierd to me also! Why would anyone get jealous of a dog??)
I love how carig he is.
I love that he's sensitive.

You've got a mix of internal and external stuff there (ie, some stuff that makes up his character, and some that's just... likes and preferences). Make sure you're not putting too much emphasis on the externals.

So, what do you NOT like about him? Or, if you prefer, what about him and his character causes you concern when you think about the future?

This is the thing you said that has gotten me to think the most... I do need to talk with him. Is he doing this on purpose??? And he gets even MORE upset if I walk out after stopping the conversation, and he'll keep on bugging me and bugging me to keep talking. And he says things like, "This isn't the way to handle this - just walking out on it. You can't give up here." But then I tell him "But I told you, that when you get upset, I am going to just leave you alone, because the only thing that makes you feel better is when you pray to God and let Him deal with how you're feeling." Then I usually go into my bedroom, lock the door, so he doesn't come in, and read in my Bible or read a book. Sometimes he won't talk to me for the rest of the night, but most of the time, he'll ask me to let him say goodnight, and then we either say goodnight or he starts talking about it all. (Which he usually tries to do the latter, but I typically stop him.) Have I done what you were telling me? Or do you think we should talk more about this?

Hrmmmmmm. So what does he want to talk about? Does he want to talk about -
- how you're feeling, and how to work on the problem so it doesn't happen again (good)?
- what a horrible, stinking, mean, terrible worm he is (pathetic)?
- how HE feels about having upset you (selfish)?

(needed to split this into two parts... wow that's my wordage used up for today!)

 

[InTheFlame]

How come you think this way? Can't God tell someone that they are supposed to marry another person? I just don't understand why *I* am not feeling or hearing God tell me anything??? For you, how would you know that God is letting you know that this person is the one for you? And is it the same for the man that you'd be having a relationship with?

I'm sure God does. I've known people who've gotten very distinct signs from God about the person they would marry. BUT in a situation where both people are fairly young and need to do some growing before they're ready for a relationship... I suspect that they're not really listening to God. I could be wrong, mind you! You know, the only time I really felt God telling me that my (now) husband was the person I would marry, was about a year or so before we broke up. I do still believe God spoke to me... I thought about it after we broke up and puzzled over it, because I still felt that it had been God... and I was confused about the fact that it was over ... but knew that was the right thing too. Well, 8 years later we were married... but we didn't get any specific word from God when we started getting back together, when we started talking about marriage, etc. We both prayed a lot, and didn't get any no's... we studied our relationship in detail and worked on sorting out problems that were obvious... we went on a youth camp and led a bible study together, and discovered we worked well together in God's work... we looked at the areas we felt called to and found they seemed very compatible... so we prayed some more, and got married. (sorry, long response to a simple question, but I hope it helps!)

This is another thing you've said that's got me thinking a lot. How is he not acknowledging my feelings? By getting emotional himself? That situation?

Well, if I'm upset, I'd want my husband to cuddle me, stroke my hair, and focus on working out what upset me and how he can avoid doing that in the future. I wouldn't mind him saying, 'oh, I feel so bad, sweetie..' but him bursting into tears and getting more upset than me would leave me sitting there thinking, 'he doesn't care that I need him to acknowledge that I'm upset and need comforting... he's more interested in beating himself up over hurting me - when he should be helping to heal what he's done!'

I can admit, he does not handle things like an adult sometimes. I do wish he would.

Boundaries in Dating. Boundaries in Dating. MUST READ!

How can he meet my emotional needs? I don't even know what they are... I don't think, lol...

OK, lemme just clarify I don't think it's good to rely on people for ALL of our emotional needs. By 'emotional needs' I mean (well, in this scenario) having our emotions acknowledged as real and OK... rather than, 'why are you upset? You shouldn't be upset - stop it!' (that'd be BAD, ok?)

I feel very confused in this situation. I was talking with God yesterday, and I was saying, "God, I have NEVER not known how I feel before... What is up with this??" I truly just don't even know how I feel anymore in this situation. I don't know what I want out of it, and I just don't feel like I know anything... it's very frustrating!

*huggggggggggggggggggg*

Which part is the answer? The part about "when it doesn't happen, I feel even worse." Or the part about "I don't know what God is trying to tell me... I thought at one point that we were supposed to get married... now I am not sure. I don't know what God wants. I've been praying about it all. I am not feeling any different." ?? I am guessing you mean the second part... and I definitely won't make any snap judgements about it all.

Good. Look, uncertainty about a relationship is a good thing. It only becomes bad when you're uncertain about something but let the relationship progress, get further into the relationship, as though that uncertainty doesn't exist. Know what I mean? (I know I've said it badly)

You know, I've talked with him about this stuff a little bit (about how I don't feel) and he told me "If we ever broke up, I'd probably move back, quit my job (he is working for my parents), and I don't think I'd be able to talk with you for a couple of weeks." When he first moved, he told me he was doing it because God told him it was His will. And his parents were also saying it's God's will because they had prayed about it also. But I don't understand why he'd say stuff like that if God told him to move here for His will?? It sounds to me, from that response of his, that he moved here for me. I've told him that, and he says "Well, God could have me come back later in life." That whole conversation just confuses me more, because I want him here because GOD told him to come here, not because he wanted to be with me... I mean, I know I was a factor, but I wanted it to be God's will first, then other things.

This is a tough one. I can see it could be possible for God to want him to move there, have you two break up, and move back to where his parents live. I don't know WHY he would, but it's possible, and God often does things I don't understand. Apparently he's a smidge smarter than me

I wouldn't marry someone unless I was absolutely sure that I could cope with their faults for the rest of my life. I'll try to find that book you mentioned. He is kind to strangers, I'm not sure if he's concerned about them though. He somtimes seems a bit judgemental and skeptical, but that could be just my perception. He's typically pretty good with conflicts and compromising, but not giving up. He is definitely NOT good with dealing with criticism. I think sometimes it's the way I go about telling him though.

Yup I react VERY badly to badly-given criticism. Here's some thoughts -

- think about what you're going to say, and whether God approves of what's about to come out of your mouth. Are you tearing him down or building him up?
- think about how YOU'd want someone to express that exact criticism to you.
- try and put things in non-accusing language (none of this 'why do you always have to..').
- try to explain things from how YOU feel about them. eg. 'when you get upset about hurting me, I feel as though my being upset doesn't matter, and that I don't deserve comforting. THat upsets me more'
- make sure that what you're about to say is TRUTHFUL. Utterly truthful, no partial 'truths'. Make sure you're admitting your contribution to the problem too.

Some relationship counselling groups run communication courses. They cover the basics of healthy communication - how to communicate your thoughts and feelings with respect and love for the other person. If you can find one of these they're fantastic value for money... they'll help heaps in building a healthy marriage, and that's one of the best treasures God wants to give us.

I think I need to work on a lot of those things you mentioned... but when I try to, I just don't FEEL it! It's so frustrating! I mean, if I were feeling something, I know I could work on it so much better.

What are you expecting to feel?

I am still a bit confused, and frustrated with this situation since I still am feeling emotionless toward it all... it's so strange to me...

*huggggggggggggggg* frustration is an emotion too, y'know...

 

[Being Humbled]

First, before I answer any posts. I talked with him, (I'll name him J, lol) So I talked with J the other day about all of this, and I told him that I felt as if we were acting immaturely a lot. And that I thought we needed to take a step back, being just friends, and working on our individual lives. I suggested to him that we write down the things we want to work on individually, then ask one another what they think we should work on, and then work on them, until they become good habits and are permanent. (Of course, if there's a mess up every once in a while, that's fine -- I just want it to be the basis of how we communicate.) I feel awesome about being just friends, but like you said Sascha -- because he's still living here with me... it makes it harder to be just friends. I am very happy about stepping back, and so is he. He really thinks it's a good idea.

One thing though -- We have promise rings -- Since we are just friends, should we still be wearing these?? We are still wearing them now, but I feel like maybe we shouldn't be. It seems to be putting the "title" of we're still together, just working out some kinks. And with him living here for now... he still tells me "I Love You." I don't feel comfortable saying it back to him (I do anyway... I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I know I need to stop doing that) I don't love him in the way that a girlfriend / boyfriend moving toward engagement and marriage loves one another. He said that he is telling me that because his isn't to that level either, but he loves me as a friend... but to me, I am still hearing "I love you" in the other meaning.

Two nights ago, I had a wierd dream. I could see J there with me, but I remember thinking to myself, "We're just friends." And then this other guy came up, and it was like I had a crush on that other guy. Then I woke up. I was like, "That was wierd!" Fell back asleep, and had ANOTHER dream where I saw a guy I was crushing on, and remember thinking "J and I are just friends, so this is okay." I have NO idea how to take that! I know God speaks to us through dreams, but the devil does too (nightmares). I need to pray about it... but what is y'alls take on it?

JWBZ -- I agree with you on my feeling pressure with him moving out here. If the relationship did end completely (us not even being friends, which I doubt would happen, but it could) I would feel the way you're describing. He does love me and I am TOTALLY blessed to have someone love me as much as he does, we just have a lot to work on before we're even ready for a relationship that is more than friends. And another thing you're right with -- I don't truly appreciate what God has given me with my relationship with J. I like the quote that you wrote in your post. It's very true! I'm very glad that you're not feeling hurt (and the other feelings you had)! God is definitely amazing! He can heal us in any situation, just like you described! Since J and I are just friends now, I am only waiting to see what God has in store for us.

Sascha -- I am actually looking forward to J moving out. I want to see how God works in the relationship with him out of my apartment. (I don't want to sound mean or harsh, but I am interested in seeing how God works in that situation.)

we were not going to head down ANY kind of relationship path, until we'd worked out the mistakes we'd made last time, and proved to one another, that this was for our INDIVIDUAL health, and not just so we'd make a good, healthy couple!

I completely agree. I want to do this for our individual health and spiritual walk with God. I believe that what we are as individuals is what we bring to the courtship that makes it a God glorifying relationship. Not that we are working to be a healthy couple. I mean, I know you have to work to stay a healthy couple, but I feel that would be easier once we are set in our own individual lives.

I needed a boyfriend that was starting to relate healthily in EVERY part of his life, and for himself, not just for me. Same for me - I needed to see in myself that I was shaping my character to help myself individually in growing, and not just so I'd make a good girlfriend/wife for B. It is dangerous territory when the only reason you are changing your character just for your partner - because what happens if that partner is no longer with you? You need to be growing and developing for yourself and for God - your partner should really not affect your desire to change and grow.

Amen sister! I do feel like when God lets me know I am ready for a relationship/courtship, that I need a boyfriend who is healthy in every part of his life for himself, and his relationship wtih God. Of course, I do want him to want to be that way with me as well. I definitely want to be growing for myself and for God, and right now, with me (I'm not sure with J) he is not the reason I am wanting to change and grow. It is because God has placed it in my heart to do so. I really excited to see what kind of changes God has in store for me! I know I can be a much better person than I am being right now -- I mean, right now, I am relying on my own understanding, but once I am able to fully rely on GOD'S understanding, and once I make it a good habit to take everything to the cross of Christ, then I'll be set! I think I'll be on my way to becoming the woman God wants me to become!!

J and I haven't written down what we want to work on in our individual lives, but we did talk about when we do write them down, that we'll ask one another what they think we should work on. What are friends for if we can't be honest about that kind of stuff?

Immaturity is totally preventing the relationship from growing! It was stopped DEAD in its tracks! J was wanting to move forward, but we weren't even ready for the relationship we were in! We both feel great about being just friends... but as I asked before I started answering posts... should we still be saying I love you, and wearing our promise rings?? I feel it is almost making it certain (in his mind) that we are headed down the path of being in a relationship again, which I truly and honestly don't know if that is what God wants. I am taking it day by day, and if God reveals to me that we should be in a relationship (which will probably be AFTER I am making good habits about being and acting maturely), then I think once we are back in the relationship, then we could put the rings back on, and say I love you when we feel we are meaning love how God describes it in the Bible.

Thank you again Sascha for all of your prayers!! I really would like to find an older woman at my church who could be my mentor... I just don't know anyone yet! *lol* I go to a big church, and have only been attending since August of '04. So roughly around 6 months... I do have a woman, Emily, she's not a lot older than I am, but she helps me put my small group together, and she meets up with me to help me lead in an effective, God-glorifying way, discusses how the small group is coming along, and everything like that! (This is my first small group ever, and God called me to lead it! Wow!! I love God! He pushes me to limits I never knew I had!) But maybe I can ask Emily to help me out with this, and be a mentor to me. That would be great to find an older woman to help me!

ITF -- I really like all that you said! You've brought up a lot of stuff that I can work on, while J and I are being just friends. Like I was telling Sascha, I really want to do this for GOD, and for my relationship with Him! I want to be the woman He wants me to be, not the woman J wants me to be! God will reveal to us whether we're supposed to be with one another in His timing. But for me right now, I feel amazing being friends with J, and I don't feel any of those "what's going on here... I'm confused and don't know how I'm feeling" feelings. I know that I am working on improving myself into a mature woman that God wants me to become! Which is AWESOME!!!

Hrmmmmmm. So what does he want to talk about? Does he want to talk about -
- how you're feeling, and how to work on the problem so it doesn't happen again (good)?
- what a horrible, stinking, mean, terrible worm he is (pathetic)?
- how HE feels about having upset you (selfish)?

To answer this question, sometimes he wants to talk about how I'm feeling, and then sometimes while I'm talking about how I'm feeling, he'll go into what a horrible, stinking, mean and terrible person he is... and sometimes, he does go into how it makes him feel. It just varies with each conflict.

Well, if I'm upset, I'd want my husband to cuddle me, stroke my hair, and focus on working out what upset me and how he can avoid doing that in the future. I wouldn't mind him saying, 'oh, I feel so bad, sweetie..' but him bursting into tears and getting more upset than me would leave me sitting there thinking, 'he doesn't care that I need him to acknowledge that I'm upset and need comforting... he's more interested in beating himself up over hurting me - when he should be helping to heal what he's done!'

Totally agree with you there!! Wow, you've said it perfectly! That's how I feel when he reacts that way!!! Maybe that's one of the things he's working on -- and a REALLY good thing that I've come to realize, is that, now that we've decided to be just friends, I am not worrying about what *he* is doing to change. I am only worrying about how I am changing for God. I used to want *him* to change all the time, but now - there's no thoughts about that! If he wants to change, he'll change. If not, then he won't. And when the time comes, God will let us know if we're supposed to be together. No worries!! Woohoo!

Boundaries in Dating. Boundaries in Dating. MUST READ!

I really want to read that book! Once I get paid, and pay all of my bills, I'll see how much money I have left, and I'll try to get it!

This is a tough one. I can see it could be possible for God to want him to move there, have you two break up, and move back to where his parents live. I don't know WHY he would, but it's possible, and God often does things I don't understand. Apparently he's a smidge smarter than me

I think with the way things are going, we HAVE broken up, but since we're both fine with it, I don't think he'd move back, even if later down the road God revealed that we are not supposed to be together to get married. I have a feeling that we are going to be just friends for a while (years), and then God will let us know what to do. I mean, these changes are going to have to be permanent changes with little mistakes (far and few between!!!) while we are fussing/having a conflict.

Okay -- so y'all let me know what you think so far! I'll keep you updated on what's going on! (Like when we make our lists, and how that is coming along.) I know I'll need y'alls help when I am working on changing myself! Sometimes my pride gets in the way of changing! Thank you for all of the replies!! for everyone!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

You're welcome BH

As for the promise rings... my opinion, as friends, you have no business wearing them (I won't go into my personal feelings on PRs here)... He is your friend, you are regarding him as nothing more than that now (from your post), and that would be impossible to keep up, I'd imagine, looking down on a ring that promises an engagement to him someday, every day. You may need to let him know that you are not wearing it anymore, and that you'd appreciate it if he didn't either. Be aware though, that you can ask him to take it off, but it is HIS decision ultimately, and he may not want to (and there's really nothing you can do about that).

That 'I love you' thing is always a toughie. Somewhere inside yourself you have to find the strength to stay silent whenever he says it. It would probably be good for your own heart to share with him that you are uncomfortable with him saying it at this point, and that it is clouding things during this time of individual growth. Again, it will be his decision to stop saying it, but how can he know it hurts you/complicates things, if you don't let him know?

And good luck with the moving. I know it will be really tough being alone again (I know what it's like for me, even with the relationship still going), but if you get some good strong women around you to support you, help you get settled and keep you accountable, it might be easier than you expect.

I have to go to work now, so God bless you heaps, and all the best with this. As I said it's very important for you to stay strong and not return any 'I love you's' and to remove that ring, because doing otherwise will make things much harder than they need to be.



Sasch

 

[Being Humbled]

Sascha,

I talked with J last night about our promise rings, and saying I love you. I told him that I wasn't comfortable wearing the rings because we bought them to signify our commitment together AS A COUPLE, and that since we are being just friends, I don't think we should wear them because it fades the line between friends and boyfriend/girlfriend. The same thing with saying I love you. I told him it made me uncomfortable, because when I think of us (or a guy and girl) saying I Love you, I want it to mean the type of love God talks about in the Bible that is between a husband and wife.

He seems fine with it. He's doing much better about not over-reacting to emotionally stressful things lately, which is good for him. He told me that his finger feels naked, so I told him he should get a ring that shows his commitment to God, because THAT is what he needs to be focusing on. He needs to be focusing on how he is going to commit, and live his entire life for God, changing for HIM, not me. I also said that if he's focusing on me, it'll take away from God, and that right now, we need to be only focused solely on God. After I explained it to him, he seems fine with it. But I definitely made sure that he understood that because we are being just friends, that we cannot fade the line. I want to do this right, and I want to do this for God.

Last night, we also talked about what the other person things we should work on. We were writing them down as each of us came up with something. That went well! But I found myself not being able to think of too much that he could work on... I think it's because I am not focused on what J needs to do, but rather what I need to do. I used to focus on what *he* needed to change, and now, I feel like I am in a completely different mindset! It's great! I love not having to worry about whether or not he's doing anything, lol.

J can't move out until he gets his second paycheck, which will be 2 weeks from this Friday... I almost want him to move out before then, but he can't afford to. I was thinking that maybe I could move back in with my parents (not taking my belongings with me, just things to get ready in the mornings with) until he was able to move out. What do y'all think of that? I actually kind of like that idea, lol.

Anywho -- I am going to go do my Bible study now. I've found if I don't do it right when I wake up in the morning, I don't do it at all. So gotta go! I look forward to y'alls replies!