I need some advice

[KayJay2000]

The last thing I want is to split up from my husband as I don't believe it is a Christian thing to do. However, I am now at the point where I'm not sure of any other option. I don't have anyone I can talk to and I really need some Christian advice.

We have been married for 16 years and have three children. Until 9 months ago my husband had been an acoholic. He has now stopped drinking altogethet and I feel like I should be really happy. I am, but so much has happened I am finding things very hard. My husband has always had a terrible anger problem. Over 15 years I have been shouted and sworn at many times every week. One of many examples is that he threw out stuff of mine that I wanted and when I said I was upset he shouted and swore at me very agressively telling me how everything was my fault and how I don't think about how he is feeling. Everything always turned back to being about him.

After many years of never being able to tell anyone that I was abused and raped as a child, I managed to tell him which was the hardest thing I ever did. His response was anger at me for not telling him before and he told me that because of that I have ruined our marriage. That was 10 years ago and as far as I'm aware his thoughts are still the same.

Several years ago he would get angry with me if I spoke or tried to put my arm around him in bed, to the point where he would hit me if I did it. Although this was a long time ago I still get into bed, turn the other way and don't make any conversation. Sex never happens, partly due to this and also because I am actually really scared of doing it due to what happened when I was little. It was fine when we first got married, but then the more angry my husband became to me the less I wanted sex. I do feel bad about this and I know that my husband really hates me because of this.

He has never shown much interest in the children at all. I do pretty much everything arround the house. I don't ask for too much help as I know it will end up in him shouting moaning and getting angry.

His anger has got better over the last year as he has been taking antidepresants. However, it is still there and he gets very worked up at me and our eldest daughter. Very often I listen to him shouting at her and it is like he hates her. I can't bare to put up with that. I know it upsets her. However, many times she has told me how terrible it is that her friend's parents have split up and she would hate that to happen.

He never wants to do anything with me or the children and doesn't seem ever seem interested in anything I say.

I feel he has made a big change by giving up drinking and so I feel terrible to say to him that it's not enough. However, so much has happened, I don't enjoy being arround him walking on egg shells all the time and I want to be happy for once, but my biggest concern is doing the right thing for my children.

Has anyone got any advice?

 

[drstevej]

Is it possible for you, he and your daughter to get some family counseling to sort through some of the issues you are currently facing. If your husband is not interested perhaps you and your daughter could start the process. You have my prayers and I welcome you to post in the Ask a Chaplain area if you want to talk further with Chaplain David or myself.

 

[Chaplain David]

The last thing I want is to split up from my husband as I don't believe it is a Christian thing to do. However, I am now at the point where I'm not sure of any other option. I don't have anyone I can talk to and I really need some Christian advice.

We have been married for 16 years and have three children. Until 9 months ago my husband had been an acoholic. He has now stopped drinking altogethet and I feel like I should be really happy. I am, but so much has happened I am finding things very hard. My husband has always had a terrible anger problem. Over 15 years I have been shouted and sworn at many times every week. One of many examples is that he threw out stuff of mine that I wanted and when I said I was upset he shouted and swore at me very agressively telling me how everything was my fault and how I don't think about how he is feeling. Everything always turned back to being about him.

After many years of never being able to tell anyone that I was abused and raped as a child, I managed to tell him which was the hardest thing I ever did. His response was anger at me for not telling him before and he told me that because of that I have ruined our marriage. That was 10 years ago and as far as I'm aware his thoughts are still the same.

Several years ago he would get angry with me if I spoke or tried to put my arm around him in bed, to the point where he would hit me if I did it. Although this was a long time ago I still get into bed, turn the other way and don't make any conversation. Sex never happens, partly due to this and also because I am actually really scared of doing it due to what happened when I was little. It was fine when we first got married, but then the more angry my husband became to me the less I wanted sex. I do feel bad about this and I know that my husband really hates me because of this.

He has never shown much interest in the children at all. I do pretty much everything arround the house. I don't ask for too much help as I know it will end up in him shouting moaning and getting angry.

His anger has got better over the last year as he has been taking antidepresants. However, it is still there and he gets very worked up at me and our eldest daughter. Very often I listen to him shouting at her and it is like he hates her. I can't bare to put up with that. I know it upsets her. However, many times she has told me how terrible it is that her friend's parents have split up and she would hate that to happen.

He never wants to do anything with me or the children and doesn't seem ever seem interested in anything I say.

I feel he has made a big change by giving up drinking and so I feel terrible to say to him that it's not enough. However, so much has happened, I don't enjoy being arround him walking on egg shells all the time and I want to be happy for once, but my biggest concern is doing the right thing for my children.

Has anyone got any advice?

Hello,

I agree with the recommendations of Chaplain Steve and would also like to add my two cents concerning your post. You have some difficult problems but they can be addressed and you can make progress with all of them.

Let me start by recommending the program of Al Anon to you. This program is for friends or family of alcoholics. It will help you learn how to be happy again. It is good that your husband is getting sober. But you also need help because Alcoholism is a family disease. So inquire at your church where there is a meeting or perhaps they are listed in your phone book. Al Anon also has an online presence. The link for this is: http://al-anon.org/?gclid=CjwKEAiAh...atWgSjgE3wEmrMfFzl1rZU9qC6CgwBjLUQBoCkj_w_wcB

You also mention problems relating to each other and in your marriage. Sometimes free counseling for you and your husband can be obtained by making an appointment with your pastor. Call the church office and ask if you can make an appointment for you and your husband with the pastor of your church. He may not be able to help you but should at a minimum give you the names of some marriage counselors in your area.

You mention having sexual assaults in your background. These might fester and grow increasingly problematic. Therefore I recommend that you obtain a licensed counselor who is female and also a Christian. Here again the church should be able to help you with this. However, you can also do some internet searches and find one or more counselors in your area that can help you.

Some of the things I've mentioned to you above cost money. I pray that you are able to find counselors. However, talking to your pastor and attending Al Anon or reaching out to online meetings are free.

Please let us know if you find help in any of the areas mentioned above. God bless you and I pray the very best for you and your husband. Feel free to reply to this message or ask questions here.

Faithfully,

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Find a local church with a Celebrate Recovery group. My husband is in recovery and we both have been attending CR. Its not just for alcohol or addictions. PM me and I will try to get you information

 

[Chaplain David]

Find a local church with a Celebrate Recovery group. My husband is in recovery and we both have been attending CR. Its not just for alcohol or addictions. PM me and I will try to get you information

I've also heard good things about this organization.

 

[KayJay2000]

Thank you for your replies and advice.

I have been feeling really depressed about the whole thing for a very long time, in fact, many years and this last couple of weeks I have been ready to end the relationship as I can't see any other way. My husband has been at uome the last couple of weeks and I have found it particularly challenging, especially when he has got very angry with our daughter for no reason. However, I know the best option is to try to aort things out, although my concern is that it can't be done.

In order to try to sort things out, I feel he needs to know how I am feeling and why. Do you think this a good idea? I ask because in the past when I have tried to do this, I have only told him a small amount and he gets very angry and turns it back round to blame me for everything and even said to me he has made changes and can't change anymore. He won't accept that anything he has done should affect me in anyway and expects me to just instantly forget all the times he has treated me badly. He can't understand that years of him shouting and swearing at me and being angry at me when I have opened up to him have left me being scared and finding it almost impossible to open up to him. He says he is a lot better now so there shouldn't be a problem and gets very angry at me because I find it hard.

Sorry, I have waffled too much, but what I'm asking is, should I be honest and tell him how I am feeling and why, but explain that I want to try to change things or is that the wrong way of going about it?

 

[Chaplain David]

Thank you for your replies and advice.

I have been feeling really depressed about the whole thing for a very long time, in fact, many years and this last couple of weeks I have been ready to end the relationship as I can't see any other way. My husband has been at uome the last couple of weeks and I have found it particularly challenging, especially when he has got very angry with our daughter for no reason. However, I know the best option is to try to aort things out, although my concern is that it can't be done.

In order to try to sort things out, I feel he needs to know how I am feeling and why. Do you think this a good idea? I ask because in the past when I have tried to do this, I have only told him a small amount and he gets very angry and turns it back round to blame me for everything and even said to me he has made changes and can't change anymore. He won't accept that anything he has done should affect me in anyway and expects me to just instantly forget all the times he has treated me badly. He can't understand that years of him shouting and swearing at me and being angry at me when I have opened up to him have left me being scared and finding it almost impossible to open up to him. He says he is a lot better now so there shouldn't be a problem and gets very angry at me because I find it hard.

Sorry, I have waffled too much, but what I'm asking is, should I be honest and tell him how I am feeling and why, but explain that I want to try to change things or is that the wrong way of going about it?

Hello,

I think that at this point a mediator would be very helpful in your situation. He/she can help you address the necessary topics without going into the peripheral stuff...Chaplain Steve also mentioned this.

Can you go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor for assistance?

I still believe that Al Anon would help you with your emotions and give you a renewed sense of direction.

Faithfully,

 

[SirKenin]

Yes, I do have some advice. It's very simple:

STOP IT.

Please. Go get some counselling. You're a whiny nag and I'd lose my temper on you too (It doesn't make it right, but let's call a spade a spade. The poor guy has to drug himself to not lose it on you...that's a problem).

In the meantime, separate. You can't do your job and manage the relationship (you're trying to put it all off on him and what HE'S doing isn't enough. OI) and you've put those children in some pretty serious jeopardy where I fear for their safety and their mental health.

Don't worry, I'm not letting him off the hook, but I'm not telling you the answer because you'll only end up beating him over the head with it. It's probably not what you wanted to hear. You wanted the justifications and how you're right and he's wrong (because you keep hearing him say how he's right and you're wrong) but...

STOP IT.

 

[SirKenin]

Two more things.

First thing. Please actively work on getting some good, solid women in your life. Women need other women around them that they can trust to keep confidentiality, just as men need good men (and not just drinking buddies). Women that you can dump on, complain/whine to, share your problems with, cry, scream, whatever. That way you can go back to the relationship and be the woman you need to be and leave all your baggage impeding your relationship at the table with your women.

Second thing. People drink or do drugs to hide from their realities. Unfortunately drinking is an uninhibitor and reveals that person's true self. However you may wish to consider that the (maybe partial) reality he was hiding from is you. That's a tough pill to swallow but it's worth considering. It puts the onus on you to do some really tough introspection and view how you come across and how (badly) you're managing the relationship. Remember, he's just a guest in your relationship that you invited in. You did so for a short list of reasons. It sounds like you put that list away in your sock drawer and now you keep a long list of all the things you don't like. Burn that list and go back to the short list.

Namaste.

 

[KayJay2000]

SirKenin,

I never compalin about other members on forums, however, I really feel I need to. I came to a christian site as I assumed people would try to have Christ like qualities. However, I am definietly wrong. I can not believe how rude you are and you are clearly ignorant about abuse and what some people have to live with. There are replies to other posts by other people that I have seen on here that are even worse and left me absolutely shocked with the rudeness and ignorance.

This is the second time I have used this site for this problem. Once was several years ago and the response I got made me think the abuse was all my fault. I spent another 8 years blaming myself and putting up with more abuse due to someone elses comments on here. This is certainly not a site I will be using again and certainly will not be recommending it to anyone.

 

[GraceDriven]

SirKenin,

I never compalin about other members on forums, however, I really feel I need to. I came to a christian site as I assumed people would try to have Christ like qualities. However, I am definietly wrong. I can not believe how rude you are and you are clearly ignorant about abuse and what some people have to live with. There are replies to other posts by other people that I have seen on here that are even worse and left me absolutely shocked with the rudeness and ignorance.

This is the second time I have used this site for this problem. Once was several years ago and the response I got made me think the abuse was all my fault. I spent another 8 years blaming myself and putting up with more abuse due to someone elses comments on here. This is certainly not a site I will be using again and certainly will not be recommending it to anyone.

If you get pass his "obsession" with every women's issue is a "daddy" issue, he is kind of funny. He is also good at giving the one line "basic" statement to every problem of fix "yourself." However, he does not even tell you how to do that in the given problem situation the person is in. Fix "yourself." Okay, tell me how I am suppose to go about doing that and how that is going to fix the problem I am in right now especially since it involves someone else. My opinion is that I would not have to "fix" myself if there were no one else in the picture. See what I am getting at. You have to laugh at him. He (or she) is so out there.....

I am sorry for the 8 years lost - you are not alone.

 

[Brianlear]

You should go ahead and continue to respect him and listen to him, while at the same time, letting him know in very clear terms your concerns. Your husband sounds extremely lost. Obviously, he used to numb his emotions with alcohol--now that he is sober, the emotions are back in full force and he doesn't know how to deal with it. I think he needs to see professionals--physician, addiction counseling, maybe go to AA meetings--even though he is "sober", he is still a prisoner in his own soul, it sounds like. Pretty common. He needs help from other men who have been through this before. Sorry, but for that you cannot fix him.

You may offer him a temporary separation, where you stay married but have some time apart to sort things out. It's amazing what some time and space can do for a couple. Do you have any relatives to live with temporarily? Be sure to let him know that you aren't trying to leave him.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Find a Celebrate Recovery group. www.celebraterecovery.org

It is a Christian and bible based recovery program that deals with hurts, hang ups and habits and helps you find your healing in Christ.