I need some advice...

[AureateDawn]

I'm not sure what to do. My best friend told me she has had sex for the first time with her boyfriend in the bandroom. And has done oral things. And this isn't like her at all. She is at Seventh Day Adventist Academy right now. But she says she loves him. I told her about teenage love, etc. and she said "See? This is why I don't tell you stuff." So I then tried to make it seem OK, etc. and talked normal to her and laughed with her and such. It was the only thing I could think of, because I want her to trust me and tell me things still. But. I dunno. Never really done this before, so I don't know how to act around her, etc. and need some advice.

 

[Jacob4707]

Read Chapter 5 in THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman.

(I think it's chapter 5. It's the chapter in which he discusses the difference between "love" and the natural mating instinct. Most or many people don't know the difference, and they think they're "in love" when they are nothing more than "in heat," but thanks to Hollywood, romance novels, and general and popular cultural ignorance or stupidity, they don't know the difference, or that there is a difference. They don't know that their body is designed to do this - i.e., to seek to procreate - and hence they think these "feelings" are truthful in terms of what "love" is.)

Then get her to read it.

And if you want an atheistic take on the whole thing, read Richard Dawkins THE SELFISH GENE.

(By the way, Chapman is a Christian and his book is one of the best books on communication/miscommunication you or a couple you know - e.g., boyfriend/girlfriend; husband/wife - can read. Likewise his books on The Five Love Languages for Teenagers and for Children are good for parents to read.)

Your friend thinks she and her boyfriend are thinking with their hearts and/or their minds. They are in fact thinking with their genitals - in fact they are not "thinking" at all, but are reacting to the hormones that are very, very active in their bodies at their age and that are seeking to propagate the species.

 

[AureateDawn]

I tried to tell her that.... but condensed. Then she bottled up and wouldn't talk, so I acted like it was OK and laughed etc. and she warmed up, told me more, etc. So I am in a predicament.

 

[MacariusRomanus]

If I were you, I'd be talking more to God (fervently praying for your friend) than your friend, since I think it's doubtful that she would be swayed by your words right now. But then again, I'm not really a people person.

 

[Jacob4707]

Well, you could tell her boyfriend that if she's under 17, if she ever sours on the relationship, she (and/or her parents) can charge him with statutory rape or sexual assault of a minor, and he can consequently be branded a sex offender for life. Which means that he'll always have to notify the authorities where he lives (assuming he'll even be able to rent or buy a house), and even if he later marries, he won't be allowed to be alone with his own children until they are 17 or 18. Maybe that will scare the wee-wee out of him and get him to keep his pants zipped up until she's of lawful age. Any boy who has sex with an underage girl these days is playing with dynamite, and I don't just mean venereal disease.

 

[AureateDawn]

He's 16 and so is she.

 

[Jacob4707]

He's 16 and so is she.

He could still be charged, depending on the state laws. And even if she turns 17, if he had sex with her when she was 16 - which he is doing now - he is still potentially liable, I believe, depending on how vengeful she and/or her parents and/or the local prosecutor want to be. If it becomes politically good to go after these things, he may very well find himself in hot water somewhere someday.

Some registered sex offenders who got labeled for doing this need to tell these young men what can happen to them that can similarly ruin their lives forever.

Read this: http://www.dallasobserver.com/2005-05-26/news/jailbait/full

Like I said: He better check out his state laws pronto. He may be safe in Texas, but maybe not where he lives.

 

[heart of peace]

Justin, you do sound torn in how you should deal with this. I would like to suggest that you can be available to your friend without condoning her behavior. Laughing and joking with her does make you seem like you condone it, which is why your spirit is uneasy with that reaction.

I agree that she needs prayers from you and less words. She is aware of your position on the issue, so I wouldn't preach to her regarding her decisions. Try to ascertain what it is exactly she wants from you - does she want your validation that what she did was ok? Does she want someone to discuss her reaction to the situation? You can tell her that all you can offer her is your prayers as she knows how you feel about it but that you won't condone it nor will you constantly verbalize your disagreement.

Prayer for you.

 

[seashale76]

I've lost a few friends over the years, not because I was being judgmental of what they were doing, but because I refused to go along with their antics too. In my case, I'm stubborn as all get out, so the more someone tries to force me to do something, the more likely I am to not do it. It usually is never enough to be their friend even if you disagree with what they do; some folks won't be satisfied until you're in the same boat they are.

My point here is: If this is simply a one-way friendship where you're her friend, but she really isn't yours because she really sees you as lackey material, then your life is probably better off without her influence.

 

[NewToLife]

I'd suggest that we are not the ones to ask for advice on this rather difficult subject, it would be better to speak to your priest or spiritual father.

 

[Akathist]

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