I need some advice??

[michaeln]

My wife told me Friday a week ago that she wants to be seperated and called me Sat a week ago and said she wants a divorce.

You can read the whole story up to a couple of days ago here:
{staff edit: Please see following post.}
Scroll down to "women's corner"
Click on the thread "Ladies I need some advice" I believe it is on the second or third page of the forum now.

Please read my posts in that thread before continueing or replying here so that you will have the whole story. I stopped posting in the other forum as she found my thread at that forum.

Anyway our second counseling session is toinight and I would appreciate any prayers I can get. She has been sleeping in one of her friends dorm room since last Fri day and has shipped our children to stay the summer with her parents 7 hours away. She wants me out of the house by tomorrow night so she can move back in as all of her friends will be gone for the summer and she will have no where to stay.

I just don't know what to do or say. But, everyone, please pray that God have his way at the session tonight. Her heart is completely closed to me right now. The only place I have to go is two hours away. I just don't see how we will be able to work on our problems when I am that far away.

No matter what I do or say it just makes matters worse. I really love her very much and will never treat her the way I was again. I have signed up for a six month long seminar designed for people such as myself to help me learn to control me.

Anyway I posted asking for everyone to pray for us.

-Michael

 

[LostnFound]

http://rr-bb.com/showthread.php?t=197382

 

[LostnFound]

Michael, I have to say that I agree with what many of the women on that board were saying. Back off and let her breathe for a while.

My DH and I have had a rocky marriage from day one (nearly 16 years). I am always eager to see him go, when the Air Force sends him away. But, within a couple of weeks, I miss him terribly.

Give her the space she needs, and don't contact her unless it concerns the kids, or a pre-arranged appt with the counselor. Remember, it isn't over till it's over!

Praying for you both!

 

[michaeln]

Thanks for the link back to rr and the post.

I am doing my best to give her space. We spent some time together last night and this morning, but I am back in Atlanta now. I hope that wasn't a mistake.

Please keep praying for us. It is hard for me to not talk to her as she was my only real friend I ever talked to. I can't believe I treated my only real friend that way.

 

[hope4today]

Hi Michael,

I read the other thread (well most of it). I hear your pain and I hear her pain. Much has been said about what you can 'do'. Throughout your posts there is a very strong agenda to 'get her back' That is of course very natural and understandable. Believe me, I understand the devastation in your heart. My husband left me 5 weeks ago after 20 years of marriage saying he doesn't love and hasn't loved me for years.
However I believe the agenda to 'get her back' is focussed in the wrong place. The real purpose in anything we face in life must be to draw us into deeper relationship with God our Father and to transform us into the image of Christ. Anything else, even reconcilation in marriage, is secondary to that. Please do not misunderstand me, i pray that your relationship is healed and your marriage renewed, but that will only come out of our relationship with God in Christ.
I am really pleased to see in your last post that you are in a group for yourself. This was a concern I had that counselling had to be together and my concern was that it indicated the changes you said you wanted were only about getting her back. Great, go to counselling to help you become more like Christ, whether she ever comes back or not. that is true change.
My suggestion is to entrust yourself, your wife and your children to God. Don't pray about how you can get her back, pray about how God can change you into the likeness of Christ. Don't pray to get God to bring her back, pray that God will bless her and draw her in to deeper, loving secure relationship in him. Only God can change your heart and her heart. Trust God with your future and her future and to bring about the best for you all "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jer 29:11 Any lasting change in the marriage situation will only come out of that.
It is so important that we trust God whether it goes our way or not and that we don't rely on our our 'chariots and horses' to win the battle.
I don't mean this to sound like 'pie in the sky christianity', i really believe this is the nuts and bolts. The natural, earthly stuff (like how to live pracically on a daily basis) will come out of our realtionship in Christ. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matt 6:33) Read Matt 6:25-34. It seems you are frantic with worry and about what to do. " Be still and know that I am God" Ps 46:10. Rest and trust him.
I hope you hear my heart. Even though our situations are not the same, I truly understand how hard this is and the almost unbearable pain that makes you wonder if your heart will just stop.
I pray God will continue his good work in you. His is faithful to complete what he has started in you.
One more scripture that I have found helpful and been praying for myself

"And this is my prayer, that your (i change this to 'my') love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you(I) may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God" Philip 1:9-11

Peace, love and blessing to you in Christ

 

[LostnFound]

Hope, you said so many thing that I thought of saying, later...and much better than I probably would have! Well said, and VERY sound advice!

 

[hope4today]

Thanks Lostnfound. Have a VERY Happy Birthday!!!!

 

[michaeln]

Thanks for the advice. I am looking to God. It is just so hard to deal with everything. I would give anything to just be able to sit on the couch with her and hold her hands and talk right now. We used to do that when we was dating and at the high points in our marriage.

I have joined a 6 month long class called lifeskills designed to help people such as myself. I have also been reading two really good books which have opened my eyes to a lot of things. One is called "His needs Her needs" and the other is called "Love Busters" both by the same author. They are really good books that have both shown me the mistakes I have made throughout the years and good pointers on how to overcome those mistakes in the future.

Everyone please keep praying for us. She goes to see the counselor by herself for the first time tonight to deal with her anger and resentment towards me. I hope and pray that the counselor makes a lot of headway tonight. I truly would never treat her that way again. However, I can clearly see where her and I both need to put God first in our lives and stop playing around with God. Had I been following Jesus as well as I was claiming, and believed that I was for a while, I would not have treated her the way I did and we would not be having these problems right now.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Michael

 

[michaeln]

Well she had told me she would call me after the counseling session. It was over 3 hours ago and she still hasn't called.

 

[LostnFound]

She probably needs space. Give her time!

 

[michaeln]

She told me two days ago, and said again last night, that it is over and that she will not give it a chance to work out. She said that I ruined my one chance I had. She had told me I have one chance to prove myself at the start of this.

I had given into a sever depression and did nothing but sit around for five weeks feeling sorry for myself. I would be happy when I was around her most of the time but I didn't get a job or anything. She said she felt things might work out for a little while of that time but a couple of things happened that pushed her over the edge. She said at this point even if I did change and she saw it and it was proven to her we will never work things out. She no longer wants to, she never wants to be married to me anymore and as soon as she has the money to file for divorce she will do so. She says she feels like this is the best thing for her and the kids.

This is what happened to make her come to this decision. We took two trips to Hilton Head together to see our children who is staying at her mothers house. She said on the first trip I just sat around depressed most of the time and especially when she was not around. She also said I only helped with a few diapers and made a couple of bottles for our youngest and did not spend hardly any time with the kids. That is not entirely true as I spent just as much time with the children as she did and made most all of Jonathon's bottles and changed at least as many diapers as she did. But right now she is only seeing things from a certain point of view I suppose. It is true I spent much of the time sitting around depressed. As I said above I had given into a sever depression.

On the second trip her friend went with us and had a girls night out on the only night that Sabrina and I could have spent any time alone together. This made me very very depressed and upset. It shouldn't have but it did. So I was sitting in her mothers living room consumed in my own self pitty. Accross the room was her mother and our son Jonathon was on the floor at her feet. He picked up a piece of paper and started choking on it. Sabrina's brother Travis sitting next to his mom and I did not hear it. Anyway Sabrina's mom picked up Jonathon and then said, "Oh my God he is chokeing." Travis and I jumped up at the same time but he was right there. In my depression I wasn't thinking straight and thought to myself that they could handle it so I sat back down. That was two weeks ago.

Two days ago Sabrina told me that when her mom told her that she lost all feelings she had left for me and made up her mind at that moment that it over. She said she also made up her mind at that moment that I will never change and even if I did she will never want to be with me again. She said that, and I think I said this above, that as soon as she has the money she is filing for a divorce.

The thing is I am changing. I thought I could change overnight for her, but I now know that my counsilor was telling me the truth when she said that I can not change over night and that it will take time. I came to that realization a few days after we returned from that trip to Hilton Head a couple of weeks ago. I have changed and grown up a lot since then, but Sabrina says she doesn't care. She doesn't want to work things out with me and never will.

In the last two weeks I have committed myself to counsiling and to change. I have come to terms with the fact that I can't change over night and that I will do whatever it takes to change into the man that God wants me to be and into a good husband and father. I have made some progress and have a lot of progress left to make. But, as I said she feels that she can never love me again.

I just don't know what to do. No matter what I am going to seek God and change my life. But at the same time I want things to work out with Sabrina. Should I just give up on the relationship at this point and move on with my life? She is certainly not putting any effort into her and I working things out and gets upset with me whenever I do. She has agreed to go to counsiling with me not for her and I but to help me change for the sake of the children. What should I do about her and I? I know I have to change and I am doing that. But should I continue to try and work at our relationship? What should I do?

Michael

 

[donniewheeler]

yes give her space and let god work with her and you work on yourself.

Hey Its a tough road but if you stay positive and pray your mariage will be saved! I have been through the same but a whole lot more and after 2 yrs have saved my mariage and are happier than ever. Pray and trust in him. If you would like to email me with any questions I would love to try and help you. in closing here is what a paster told me about my mariage. Its like a garden with pretty flowersin it but if you dont tend to the garden weeds start to grow and before you know it they take over. Now the flowers are still THERE but you have to work at de weeding.

 

[donniewheeler]

give her reasons to see you are changing and not just over night because she is leaving. Show her no matter what this is you

 

[michaeln]

Well at this point she has already found someone else. They have been dating a little over a week now and seem pretty serious. I have primary custody of the kids keeping them during the school year and she gets them for a couple of months over the summer.

I am still praying that God work in our situation but to be honest I just don't see many chances for the two of us working things out. She has completely changed into a person I don't know.

Michael

 

[taz_pazazz]

Hi Michael,

I wasn't able to go to that link (it came up Page Unavailable). I just wanted to let you know that I have lifted both you and Sabrina up in prayer. I too am separated right now, however the past few days have gone pretty good and been very hopeful. I believe this is only because Jesus is working in us right now. I would really like to know the rest of the story, so that I can continue to pray for you. Just ALWAYS keep looking up!

In Jesus' Love,
Taz

 

[michaeln]

Well I thought I would tell everyone what the end result of everything is:

I have custody of the children. They are to stay with me during the school years and she gets them for summer vacations and every other holiday.

She is still with the guy I mentioned before and they are in a serious realationship.

At this point I have decided that it is best for both the kids and myself to move on with my life. I can't spend the rest of my life wondering and waiting everyday for her to come home, and to be honest I am not sure what I would do or think if she did.

As for me and any future realationships I leave that in God's hands. I am not going to lie. At this point I am open to the idea of dating, and would given the chance. It has been three months since Sabrina and I seperated. I have grown accustomed to my life alone with the kids and we are happy. I even got the greatest dad in the WHOLE world reward the other day. It made my day. My son just came in the kitchen and told me that and then walked out. He didn't want anything and had done nothing wrong. That was the best day I have had in a REALLY long time.

Michael