I am not really sure where to begin with this, but it's something I feel I need to address. This post won't be as happy as my last two posts, but one thing I always disliked within the church was when we were taught only the good and never the bad. I have gone back and forth with writing about this tonight, because I am not sure if this is appropriate to discuss over the internet. By vowing to make myself vulnerable to my friends, family, and God, I want to shed a little light on the issue of pre-marital sex. I don't know why it's on my heart so badly tonight, and I do know my own Mother will more than likely read this... but we are taught in Celebrate Recovery to confess our downfalls and only God can be my Judge. I am sorry to God for breaking his heart, and I am terribly sorry to my Mom if this breaks hers as well (I am sure she knows though. My Momma isn't dumb.), but I can't live life with burdens any more. Living for God means confessing outwardly both your love for Him and the sins that keeps you from loving Him fully. This is one I could use some scriptural guidance on as well... I was close to bringing it up tonight in Celebrate Recovery, but I hadn't quite gathered all that I wanted to say.
The day I lost my virginity was two days after my 21st birthday. I am not married, and obviously was not married at the time. I was in Florida, away from home, away from parents, and with the man I thought I'd be with forever. At the time, 21 felt so adult and so grown up to me, that the idea of sex wasn't foreign. I was completely aware of his intentions before I even flew out to see him, and I wanted the same thing as him. I don't look like the sort of girl who would do something like this. I once lived in this world where my first kiss would be on my wedding day, and I so wish I had kept that promise to myself. That is where I went wrong though. I made a promise to myself and not to God. I am not sure why I did what I did, because I knew it was wrong. I knew God would be mad at me, and I wasn't able to force myself to care about God's feelings over my own or my boyfriend's at the time. I wasn't in church during all this either, and my relationship with God was strained... but it got worse.
I stayed in Florida for a week. I came back saying that it was the time of my life, and I had no consideration at all for anyone's feelings but my own. I was selfish, and my imperfect human nature still makes me selfish, but I am able to recognize God's pain and feel so convicted that I fear displeasing my God. When I look back at that week, I see how hopeless I was though. I felt like this was the only guy who would ever love me enough to WANT to be with me intimately. He made me feel beautiful and important and even through infidelity I was still so selfish to deny God the love he deserved and allowed this man to continue tainting a Daughter of God, when I should have been treating myself as a temple for His glory. I was not a Daughter of God at the time, I suppose, but I should have been... I should have always been.
I continued to be in this long distance relationship that had no spiritual value at all. I continued to let this gentleman abuse me mentally and emotionally. I continued to allow him to lie to me about being with other women and I allowed my self esteem to be shot by living in fear that the guy I loved was not in love with me as I was with him. I was still blissfully happy though, because through it all at least SOMEONE loved me, even if he didn't show it much. The story gets much worse though.
I ended up moving to Kansas a bit ago. I won't get into much of what happened with that, but things didn't work out between me and the people I was living with at the time. I wanted so badly to be with my boyfriend, and this time I went knowing what would happen even while I WAS in church. I don't know why I believed him when he told me he'd go to church with me when I moved out to live with him, but just as I was starting to bring God back into my life, I let this same man rip God away farther than he had ever been before, let him tear me down WORSE than I had ever been in my entire life, and I no longer felt like ANYONE loved me at all after lack of affection. I would beg to go to church and he'd always be too tired. In over a year period, I think he took me three times, and that's not an exaggeration. However... something happened when we went to church together. One night when we did attend service, I looked at his face and saw this pure joy... a joy that I had never seen before in him, but a joy that I remembered in myself. I began to wonder why anyone would want to live without that joy, and I explained to him that this was the reason I wanted a relationship where God was the foundation. His response hurt me very badly.
He replied with "Are you serious?"
.....
I cried. I prayed that night that God would allow me to have a relationship where God was the foundation. It wasn't until a few months later that I found out we were being kicked out of my boyfriend's house. I felt even MORE hopeless, and stopped trying to go to church. I wanted to be with him SO badly that I chose him over God. I still prayed every night. I was still living in sin as far as pre-marital sex went, and I felt like a hypocritical person because I prayed and believed in God, yet I sinned against him knowingly almost every single night. I didn't enjoy the activities I was partaking in (I never did, not even the first time) and I realized I was doing it just to try to keep this boy tied to me. I felt like God didn't care, that I had hurt him so badly he wouldn't hear my prayers... but a blessing in disguise happened.
We ended up moving in with some friends of ours. At first it went really well. Their family treated us like family and said we were just as much family as their own children were. I was finally feeling genuine happiness again. I felt loved by a family, and I felt like my boyfriend was beginning to come back closer. I felt like we had gone through so much that there was no WAY he'd be unfaithful again. I loved the companionship, and though I still continued knowingly sinning against God, it got easier because I stopped trying to go to church at all. Just about four months into living with them we found out that our friend was pregnant. Her mom told us that we were in no danger of being kicked out of the house and I was excited about having a baby around. I'd be an aunt without having an actual sister. However, it turns out she was unknowingly six months pregnant (we thought she was maybe 3 months) and was too afraid to tell anyone she was having symptoms. In a moment of clarity, we were told that we would have to be out in just 2 months... something seemingly impossible.
The one thing through my entire story is I consistently tried to remind my boyfriend at the time to have hope and to not over react. He never was able to do that and any optimism I had was sucked out of me by him. I was a shell of who I once was. This was the first time ever I was unable to be even a little optimistic about my situation. I was scared. However, I continued to pray.... even though I stopped trying to go to church, I prayed EVERY single night. I prayed during good times, during bad times, and during hopeless times. I believe that God was listening the whole time, but he had something to teach me... something like tough love.
I was on the verge of having nowhere to go when low and behold my very good friend Rachel was trying to get her own life started. She offered me a place to stay and help to get on my feet. This was the first act of obedience I took to follow God. I prayed about it and he told me to go. He told me that this was my chance to get out and make things right. And I did... and I am... and that shell of who I used to be is now becoming its own shell. I had all intentions of still staying with this boy, but I found out just a week before I was set to leave that he had been unfaithful still. I left Florida with a broken heart and a broken spirit, but God was waiting in Alabama to pick me back up.
God fills all voids. I no longer need to feel loved by anyone but him. I don't have to wonder if I am loved, or wonder if I am important, because through God I KNOW I am. God loved me so much that he sent his son to die for my sins. His son died so that my foolishness and my unwise decisions about my sexual impurities can be forgiven. I made a new vow to God that no person or thing will come between Him and myself. I wish I could go back in time and erase those moments in my life. I wish that I could say it never happened, but it did. I am very sorry and very sad that I let all this happen, but I can't change the past. If God were to tell me that because of my sin, I am to be alone for the rest of my life, I would be fine with that, but he hasn't said that to me. He has forgiven me.
My question though is what does the bible say about pre-marital sex and Heaven? I know God forgives me, but is it enough? Will I be forgiven enough to be with Him in Heaven?!
The day I lost my virginity was two days after my 21st birthday. I am not married, and obviously was not married at the time. I was in Florida, away from home, away from parents, and with the man I thought I'd be with forever. At the time, 21 felt so adult and so grown up to me, that the idea of sex wasn't foreign. I was completely aware of his intentions before I even flew out to see him, and I wanted the same thing as him. I don't look like the sort of girl who would do something like this. I once lived in this world where my first kiss would be on my wedding day, and I so wish I had kept that promise to myself. That is where I went wrong though. I made a promise to myself and not to God. I am not sure why I did what I did, because I knew it was wrong. I knew God would be mad at me, and I wasn't able to force myself to care about God's feelings over my own or my boyfriend's at the time. I wasn't in church during all this either, and my relationship with God was strained... but it got worse.
I stayed in Florida for a week. I came back saying that it was the time of my life, and I had no consideration at all for anyone's feelings but my own. I was selfish, and my imperfect human nature still makes me selfish, but I am able to recognize God's pain and feel so convicted that I fear displeasing my God. When I look back at that week, I see how hopeless I was though. I felt like this was the only guy who would ever love me enough to WANT to be with me intimately. He made me feel beautiful and important and even through infidelity I was still so selfish to deny God the love he deserved and allowed this man to continue tainting a Daughter of God, when I should have been treating myself as a temple for His glory. I was not a Daughter of God at the time, I suppose, but I should have been... I should have always been.
I continued to be in this long distance relationship that had no spiritual value at all. I continued to let this gentleman abuse me mentally and emotionally. I continued to allow him to lie to me about being with other women and I allowed my self esteem to be shot by living in fear that the guy I loved was not in love with me as I was with him. I was still blissfully happy though, because through it all at least SOMEONE loved me, even if he didn't show it much. The story gets much worse though.
I ended up moving to Kansas a bit ago. I won't get into much of what happened with that, but things didn't work out between me and the people I was living with at the time. I wanted so badly to be with my boyfriend, and this time I went knowing what would happen even while I WAS in church. I don't know why I believed him when he told me he'd go to church with me when I moved out to live with him, but just as I was starting to bring God back into my life, I let this same man rip God away farther than he had ever been before, let him tear me down WORSE than I had ever been in my entire life, and I no longer felt like ANYONE loved me at all after lack of affection. I would beg to go to church and he'd always be too tired. In over a year period, I think he took me three times, and that's not an exaggeration. However... something happened when we went to church together. One night when we did attend service, I looked at his face and saw this pure joy... a joy that I had never seen before in him, but a joy that I remembered in myself. I began to wonder why anyone would want to live without that joy, and I explained to him that this was the reason I wanted a relationship where God was the foundation. His response hurt me very badly.
He replied with "Are you serious?"
.....
I cried. I prayed that night that God would allow me to have a relationship where God was the foundation. It wasn't until a few months later that I found out we were being kicked out of my boyfriend's house. I felt even MORE hopeless, and stopped trying to go to church. I wanted to be with him SO badly that I chose him over God. I still prayed every night. I was still living in sin as far as pre-marital sex went, and I felt like a hypocritical person because I prayed and believed in God, yet I sinned against him knowingly almost every single night. I didn't enjoy the activities I was partaking in (I never did, not even the first time) and I realized I was doing it just to try to keep this boy tied to me. I felt like God didn't care, that I had hurt him so badly he wouldn't hear my prayers... but a blessing in disguise happened.
We ended up moving in with some friends of ours. At first it went really well. Their family treated us like family and said we were just as much family as their own children were. I was finally feeling genuine happiness again. I felt loved by a family, and I felt like my boyfriend was beginning to come back closer. I felt like we had gone through so much that there was no WAY he'd be unfaithful again. I loved the companionship, and though I still continued knowingly sinning against God, it got easier because I stopped trying to go to church at all. Just about four months into living with them we found out that our friend was pregnant. Her mom told us that we were in no danger of being kicked out of the house and I was excited about having a baby around. I'd be an aunt without having an actual sister. However, it turns out she was unknowingly six months pregnant (we thought she was maybe 3 months) and was too afraid to tell anyone she was having symptoms. In a moment of clarity, we were told that we would have to be out in just 2 months... something seemingly impossible.
The one thing through my entire story is I consistently tried to remind my boyfriend at the time to have hope and to not over react. He never was able to do that and any optimism I had was sucked out of me by him. I was a shell of who I once was. This was the first time ever I was unable to be even a little optimistic about my situation. I was scared. However, I continued to pray.... even though I stopped trying to go to church, I prayed EVERY single night. I prayed during good times, during bad times, and during hopeless times. I believe that God was listening the whole time, but he had something to teach me... something like tough love.
I was on the verge of having nowhere to go when low and behold my very good friend Rachel was trying to get her own life started. She offered me a place to stay and help to get on my feet. This was the first act of obedience I took to follow God. I prayed about it and he told me to go. He told me that this was my chance to get out and make things right. And I did... and I am... and that shell of who I used to be is now becoming its own shell. I had all intentions of still staying with this boy, but I found out just a week before I was set to leave that he had been unfaithful still. I left Florida with a broken heart and a broken spirit, but God was waiting in Alabama to pick me back up.
God fills all voids. I no longer need to feel loved by anyone but him. I don't have to wonder if I am loved, or wonder if I am important, because through God I KNOW I am. God loved me so much that he sent his son to die for my sins. His son died so that my foolishness and my unwise decisions about my sexual impurities can be forgiven. I made a new vow to God that no person or thing will come between Him and myself. I wish I could go back in time and erase those moments in my life. I wish that I could say it never happened, but it did. I am very sorry and very sad that I let all this happen, but I can't change the past. If God were to tell me that because of my sin, I am to be alone for the rest of my life, I would be fine with that, but he hasn't said that to me. He has forgiven me.
My question though is what does the bible say about pre-marital sex and Heaven? I know God forgives me, but is it enough? Will I be forgiven enough to be with Him in Heaven?!
