I need both prayer and input.

[Kasia777]

Hey everyone. I am in need of both support and some advice.

After a very long time as a single girl, I became betrothed this year to a wonderful man. I have always kept myself pure for that special guy that God would eventually bring into my life. It was taking so long that I had finally reached a point of contentment in my single-hood before I met him. He sought me out, and went to God in prayer before he approached me. It turns out we both have a very unique dream of ministry ... one I did not expect could match another ever! As we have gotten to know each other, I have fallen very deeply in love with him.

Recently, as the time gets closer to when we would be spending the rest of our lives together gets closer, he has suddenly been having disturbing dreams that involved a girl he knew close to two decades ago. Apparently he was rather cruel to her right before they parted, and though it was a very short lived relationship, he has never forgotten her. He apparently blew up at her and said some very mean things without any reason. (Though he has not doene anything like that again ... I think he is carrying a lot of guilt around in reference to this girl.) They have not had any contact at since they parted all those years ago. He is not sure if God is attempting to speak to him through this dream, though he is feeling only sorrow and confusion from the dreams. (I honestly do not believe that God works in a way that is confusing ... that is contrary to His word.) My guy has not been walking with Christ as long as I have, only 8 years (I have been a sold out believer for close to 19 years now) and may be why he doesn't understand whether this would be from God or not. My personal belief is he is getting scared and is unsure of how to proceed.

Well, these dreams (that started this week) have caused him to say he is not sure we should marry. (This last month he has been working 11 hour days, 6 days a week along with the ministry he is involved with, plus the time we spend together ... he hasn't been before the Lord, or has had time to be ministered to. He teaches Sunday school every time the doors are open, but is not sat under any teaching this past month. Plus the stress of taking that step of having a family ... I think he is just overwhelmed at the moment.)

He went from, "I love you so much, wouldn't it be nice if we could elope," one day to: "I had this dream that kept me awake all night and I think we should back off on our plans," the very next without warning. He now says it would not be fair for me to be his second choice (stating that he loves me very much at the same time). His first choice is an 18 year old (at that time) he met 20 years ago (he knew her a couple of months and they lived together briefly ... he was not walking with the Lord at the time), whom he has no contact with, nor does he have any clue as to where this girl is. I am sure much of what is going on is a result of the way he left it. He told me the dream brought a flood of memories ... and it feels like this girl left him yesterday. He feels he is back at square one in dealing with this, and does not believe it is fair to me for me to wait until he has worked through this; he's of the opinion that it will take years for him to figure it out.

When we were courting, he had time to just be alone with the Father, and sought His face first in everything, but especially in those things that concerned me. We both prayed for weeks before moving forward (we did this separately to be sure we were not confusing the intimacy of prayer for a yes.) He was being fed in church, but now is serving so much, that he misses the services. (He teaches every service, the 1st graders one hour, 2nd graders the next, 3 year olds during the evening service and 3rd graders for the Wednesday service ... he is also putting in 60 to 70 hours of work in each week because they are opening a new club.)

I am hurt beyond belief. I also feel as though I have to compete with a fantasy, the memory of a young girl, who in reality is probably nothing like what he thinks he remembers. I have no doubt that God spoke to my heart about this man. I also know my guy needs to resolve these feelings before we move on. My question, is what do I do? Do I back off completely and trust God? (Letting my guy know that I will wait, because to be honest, I could not marry another and was planning my future as if I would be single until I meet Jesus anyways.) He wants to be able to talk with me and see what God does. I know it isn't me, it happened literally overnight without any warning. It is also the weirdest thing I have ever heard. I know it is not unusual for a man to back off when they get scare, I have had a number of friends have this happen with their now husbands during there engagements. Always an off the wall reason, with the guy saying, I love you but ...

I just need prayer (I am crying quite a bit), and direction. I am seeking God's face in this, but was hoping for some input from some of God's children.

 

[trulyliving]

Hi there. I will share my input, although I'm not sure you will agree. I believe that there are such things as "soul ties" that bind us to past relationships that need to be renounced before the Lord. Soul ties are spiritual connections we have with other individuals that have in the past served or are currently serving as idols. I believe the enemy uses soul ties to divert people from God's plan and will. It is highly possible that your fiance is only feeling these feelings because he has not actively renounced or cut off ties with this woman in his spirit, renouncing his previous idolatry of her. Sometimes soul ties can also be in the form of other idols that have competed for our commitments that get in the way of obedience to God, such as demanding parents, certain close friends, others who may not necessarily be close but have given us guilt trips that last a long time for example.

There is a ministry called Cleansing Stream that is known nationwide in certain church circles that deals with this. Also, you may want to get pre-marital counseling from trusted elders/counselors who are very prayerful. I will also pray.

 

[O_Sky20]

Praying for you.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Praying for you as well.

 

[Kasia777]

Thank you for your input ... it does ring true, though I am wondering if it may be going overboard with the formal 'renouncing.' I know I had a problem in this area long ago and submitted to Him in it, but never formally called it by name, and God did bring the healing I needed.

I know he needs time to sort through this. He's of the opinion that it will take many years before he can resolve it. (The strange thing is, it was not an issue untli he had the dream last week ... and now he has them every night and is utterly exhausted.) I suggested that we not talk for a week because I think I keep saying something he is not ready to hear ... and I may be exasperating the problem. We are no longer officially engaged, but we both know God brought us together for a purpose. He still loves me and I him, but he feel the same fellings he had for this girl twenty years ago, though he didn't until the dream.

I suggested that he go and try to find her. He stated he has asked God to show him if she is no longer available, and he has googled her in every city he believes she might be looking for an obituary or wedding announcement, and has not found any word ... he believes that if God wants him to know, he would have found it by now. He's not slept this week because of the dreams and is not the most rational person in the world at the moment ... as I would be if I didn't sleep.

Something is going on in the spiritual realm, I am not sure what ... so please pray for him, and for me, that I would be able to be discerning and keep praying for him regardless of what may happen in the fuuture. I think part of it was we are both older and were in a rush to get on with the wedding when we should have been slowing it down. I know if God's plan is for us to be together, we need to do it His way and at His pace ... and if it isn't we both need to see this clearly.

It's been a rough day for me ... thank you anyone who is praying.

 

[waxlion10]

Hi Kasia,
I just wanted to encourage you in this time of pain and turmoil. While I can't really offer any wisdom on the spiritual battle you two are caught in, I think that your significant other's exhaustion should be addressed soon. I do not believe it is entirely healthy for a minister to not get fed. The times with mentors, the times alone with God... those are all so important for being able to truly distinguish His will. Satan knows our weaknesses, and the more burnt out and thinly stretched we are, the more susceptible we become to attacks and the more irrational we become. I would encourage you to perhaps help your SO find some quiet, restful time alone with the Lord so he can be refreshed and renewed in Him.

I pray for peace and wisdom for you both.

 

[trulyliving]

Hi Kasia,
I just wanted to encourage you in this time of pain and turmoil. While I can't really offer any wisdom on the spiritual battle you two are caught in, I think that your significant other's exhaustion should be addressed soon. I do not believe it is entirely healthy for a minister to not get fed. The times with mentors, the times alone with God... those are all so important for being able to truly distinguish His will. Satan knows our weaknesses, and the more burnt out and thinly stretched we are, the more susceptible we become to attacks and the more irrational we become. I would encourage you to perhaps help your SO find some quiet, restful time alone with the Lord so he can be refreshed and renewed in Him.

I pray for peace and wisdom for you both.

I completely agree with this... praying for you both also .... I also just wanted to share a scripture that has really helped me recently and am just offering it in case it might help you, it is "be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let you requests be made known to God. and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7)

 

[Kasia777]

Thank you everyone for your prayers. Yesterday was very difficult .... and today I am having such a hard time not forcing my opinion onto him.

RD called me to say good morning (he is calling a couple of times a day now) and told me some of his Godly mentors are advising him that maybe God is calling him to a life of celibacy so that he can be used by the Lord more effectively. The dream/vision we both have for our life involves being married and adopting children who have been abused and neglected!!! For goodness sake. I had so many things screaming through my head when he told me, I simply said no comment, which he appreciated. He plans to go ahead and pray about it, stating it was the last thing he wants to hear, but should consider it.

What concerns me is his mentors do not sound like the most discerning individuals in the world. I want God to work this through him ... but does that mean I remain silent when I know that something is way off kilter in terms of counsel? Thank you for a place where I can vent. Good grief Charlie Brown!!!

 

[Kasia777]

Well,

My time of frustration was short lived ... now I am just very sad ... but know that it is not a good witness for Christ, so I try to keep it hidden. I can still use y'alls prayers ... yesterday was the first day of not talking and I find myself assuming the worse.

 

[Bootstrap]

Well,

My time of frustration was short lived ... now I am just very sad ... but know that it is not a good witness for Christ, so I try to keep it hidden. I can still use y'alls prayers ... yesterday was the first day of not talking and I find myself assuming the worse.

I don't think being human is a bad witness for Christ. I'll pray for you ....

Jonathan

 

[Kasia777]

I don't think being human is a bad witness for Christ. I'll pray for you ....

Jonathan

Thank you ... and thank you to those who have been praying.

 

[Kasia777]

I am getting a better understanding to what is going on with R. He had a time in his past where he did not walk with God and lived with a number of girls. I on the other hand have saved all my kisses for my future husband. He told me he's afraid of our first kiss (I still wish to save them to make them more special ... I know, I am a bit of a goof ball with this!) He's afraid that if we kiss and he's not the one for me he will have ruined me! I teased him saying I would go and sell my kisses for a dollar as a fundraiser so that someone else would ruin me for my future husband to take the pressure off of him.

Seriously though, he is going to have these kind of memories crop up because of his past. I understand and am okay with that, but I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions for us on the best way to deal with this issue. I was going to suggest a Christian counselor. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!

Many blessings to all y'all!

 

[* kittie *]

Well...one thing I've learned is that just because a "spiritual mentor" says something, it doesn't necessarily mean that that is what God wants. You two should seek God yourself at the same time, and not base it all on what they say. It can be dangerous, and I'm sure, very frustrating for you to hear him say that. I've had several well-meaning Christians tell me from their head to keep away from a certain person that I know, although I know that God wants me to be a light to him. Sure some people can be discerning (and I do know some who are), but always be careful.

Nono...I do not think you are a less of a Christian. I'm sure it's difficult right now...it would be for anyone. Hiding it can sometimes make things grow bigger. Being in the community of people who can listen and give you good advice is good. Don't feel poorly about yourself.

Are things working out better now? Concerning his dream, I do not believe God is a god of discouragement or of chaos. I do agree with others when they say that Satan can attack us at our weakest point. I hope you two are doing better and are beginning to understand things.

 

[Bootstrap]

I am getting a better understanding to what is going on with R. He had a time in his past where he did not walk with God and lived with a number of girls. I on the other hand have saved all my kisses for my future husband. He told me he's afraid of our first kiss (I still wish to save them to make them more special ... I know, I am a bit of a goof ball with this!) He's afraid that if we kiss and he's not the one for me he will have ruined me! I teased him saying I would go and sell my kisses for a dollar as a fundraiser so that someone else would ruin me for my future husband to take the pressure off of him.

I don't know if I'm reading this correctly. Based on what I read, it sounds like he feels it's time to kiss in your relationship, but also scared, because he's not ready to propose, and he needs to kiss and see what chemistry y'all have before he'll know if marriage is a good idea. And what if he finds that he really, really likes you as a friend and respects you as a mature Christian, but doesn't think he wants to spend the rest of his life kissing you?

In the meantime, you're telling him that you'd like to save kissing for marriage because it would be more special. That would be a deal breaker for me, I tried to make a marriage work for 23 years where my wife had no interest in kissing me. I won't do that again. I don't know what saving kissing means to you, if it's a matter of basic righteousness, he has to respect that, you should never go past what the other person believes or feels is right. But that might also mean breaking off the relationship. If it's really just a matter of what feels more special to you, find out if he's feeling what I suggested he might be feeling. If he is, then you need to take his feelings into account too, not just yours.

You can find out a *lot* about chemistry by kissing, you don't have to have sex to do that. And he may well need that. Before you start kissing, though, think seriously about what boundaries you need, otherwise you may be surprised how quickly things move.

Seriously though, he is going to have these kind of memories crop up because of his past. I understand and am okay with that, but I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions for us on the best way to deal with this issue. I was going to suggest a Christian counselor. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!

Is it just memories from the past, or does he feel he needs to know if there is chemistry before he can move further toward marriage?

How do y'all resolve other emotional issues where you don't start out entirely on the same page?

Is there room for y'all to feel out your emotions openly on this issue?

If you can't work it out on your own, by all means seek counseling. But I'd start by trying to discuss it openly and see how much progress you make on your own.

Jonathan

 

[Kasia777]

I don't know if I'm reading this correctly. Based on what I read, it sounds like he feels it's time to kiss in your relationship, but also scared, because he's not ready to propose, and he needs to kiss and see what chemistry y'all have before he'll know if marriage is a good idea. And what if he finds that he really, really likes you as a friend and respects you as a mature Christian, but doesn't think he wants to spend the rest of his life kissing you?

In the meantime, you're telling him that you'd like to save kissing for marriage because it would be more special. That would be a deal breaker for me, I tried to make a marriage work for 23 years where my wife had no interest in kissing me. I won't do that again. I don't know what saving kissing means to you, if it's a matter of basic righteousness, he has to respect that, you should never go past what the other person believes or feels is right. But that might also mean breaking off the relationship. If it's really just a matter of what feels more special to you, find out if he's feeling what I suggested he might be feeling. If he is, then you need to take his feelings into account too, not just yours.

You can find out a *lot* about chemistry by kissing, you don't have to have sex to do that. And he may well need that. Before you start kissing, though, think seriously about what boundaries you need, otherwise you may be surprised how quickly things move.



Is it just memories from the past, or does he feel he needs to know if there is chemistry before he can move further toward marriage?

How do y'all resolve other emotional issues where you don't start out entirely on the same page?

Is there room for y'all to feel out your emotions openly on this issue?

If you can't work it out on your own, by all means seek counseling. But I'd start by trying to discuss it openly and see how much progress you make on your own.

Jonathan

I suspect you are not reading this correctly. My desire to save my kisses for my husband has nothing to do with a lack of desire, I plan on making up for lost time with my husband. But it is something that I wish to share with just one man. I do not want to be thinking about others when I am kissing my husband. We have talked about kissing and sex extensively and are definitely on the same page. And we definitely have the chemistry ... both of us will contend to that one. It's powerful just over the phone line, much less in person. I can only imagine what it will be like once we start kissing ... (and for the record, I can hardly wait). In fact the night before we were talking about the possibility of elopement. One does not just suddenly change their mind about kissing after a lifetime of saving them. Even if I told him I changed my mind and wanted to try it out, he would still feel the same way ... we have discussed it. He feels I would be just saying that for him ... and he knew this about me before he ever spoke to me ... it is part of my testimony and I shared it with the group before we started to see each other.

The problem we are having stems because of his memories of a past relationship. He has suddenly decided he has fallen back in love with his first love from 20 years ago, a girl of 18 at the time and a girl who is more likely very different than what he remembers. He has been having vivid dreams about her for two weeks now and now feels he should hire a detective and try to contact her. He has had two friends call out of the blue to tell him they feel he is suppose to find her, so he now is thinking he is suppose to find her so he can marry her no matter what is going on with her. (If she stands against everything he cares for and believes in, he thinks it is his duty to find her and marry her, even if she is an atheist who supports abortions. In his exhausted state he is thinking that God is leading him in this direction, even though it has caused an enormous amount of confusion within him and is contrary to God's character in terms of the emotional upheaval and the idea he should marry someone even if they do not share in his beliefs.) Yet he tells me his feelings for me have not changed and he thinks about me all day long. This is extremely out of character for him ... I think he needs to go to a good Christian counselor. (I would love to go with him when the time comes, but he needs to get to the root of what is going on in him, and right now I am not helping with that. We most definitely do not agree about this topic, though so far it has been healthy in a sense we both are able to share how we feel without feeling put down in any way. We simply do not agree. He does not believe he can change in his feelings for this girl, apparently they are quite strong, yet he can't seem to get me out of his mind. Because of this he feels I will always be his second best and he should never marry anyone. And it all began with some dreams!!) Just as he understood that I had been saving all my kisses, I understood he had a past, and with that past would come memories we would have to deal with together. I have to admit though, I did not see this one coming.


Just a little over a month ago he had been seeking God's face about our relationship and was asking me to pray about it. He knew without a shadow of a doubt what God spoke to him in his heart and had a perfect peace about it. He took a week off from work just to seek God's face on it the first week of November. When he went back to work, he was required to work 70 hour weeks, along with the time he serves in the children's ministry, he has not had the time to spend with God that he had before. (His club opens in 2 weeks and the hours will become more reasonable at that time.) He is exhausted from work and is having dreams that keep him up at night. He tells me he is angry with God for allowing it to happen, yet it looks like from my perspective he has the choice to say I refuse to think this way and take his thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ Jesus.

Thank you for allowing me to vent ... this is a safe place for me to vent.

Blessings ...

 

[Bootstrap]

I suspect you are not reading this correctly.

OK - and I'm glad you can read things and discard what is not helpful, it's important. Feel free to ignore or discard anything I say below as well. I'll keep praying for you, and you know that God is with you no matter what.

We have talked about kissing and sex extensively and are definitely on the same page. And we definitely have the chemistry ... both of us will contend to that one. It's powerful just over the phone line, much less in person. I can only imagine what it will be like once we start kissing ... (and for the record, I can hardly wait). In fact the night before we were talking about the possibility of elopement. One does not just suddenly change their mind about kissing after a lifetime of saving them. Even if I told him I changed my mind and wanted to try it out, he would still feel the same way ... we have discussed it. He feels I would be just saying that for him ... and he knew this about me before he ever spoke to me ... it is part of my testimony and I shared it with the group before we started to see each other.

OK, what's important is that you and he are on the same page here.

The problem we are having stems because of his memories of a past relationship. He has suddenly decided he has fallen back in love with his first love from 20 years ago, a girl of 18 at the time and a girl who is more likely very different than what he remembers. He has been having vivid dreams about her for two weeks now and now feels he should hire a detective and try to contact her. He has had two friends call out of the blue to tell him they feel he is suppose to find her, so he now is thinking he is suppose to find her so he can marry her no matter what is going on with her. (If she stands against everything he cares for and believes in, he thinks it is his duty to find her and marry her, even if she is an atheist who supports abortions. In his exhausted state he is thinking that God is leading him in this direction, even though it has caused an enormous amount of confusion within him and is contrary to God's character in terms of the emotional upheaval and the idea he should marry someone even if they do not share in his beliefs.)

Question: has he been talking to some of those people who believe that the first person you have sex with is your life-long spouse? There are actually people who believe the Bible teaches this.

Yet he tells me his feelings for me have not changed and he thinks about me all day long. This is extremely out of character for him ... I think he needs to go to a good Christian counselor.

After all the time you've been together, and his feelings for you, counselling is worth it if you can find someone good. One caution: not all counselling is good, and some counselling is more harmful than helpful. So look wisely.

He does not believe he can change in his feelings for this girl, apparently they are quite strong, yet he can't seem to get me out of his mind. Because of this he feels I will always be his second best and he should never marry anyone. And it all began with some dreams!!) Just as he understood that I had been saving all my kisses, I understood he had a past, and with that past would come memories we would have to deal with together. I have to admit though, I did not see this one coming.

When my wife left me, it took me about a year to fall out of love with her, and it was a conscious process. I don't have to tell you this, I'm sure you know it already, but if he hasn't seen her for 20 years, this has very little to do with reality. But he has to fall out of love with the fantasy of this woman before y'all are going to be in a good place. And that can't happen unless he decides he wants to.

Just a little over a month ago he had been seeking God's face about our relationship and was asking me to pray about it. He knew without a shadow of a doubt what God spoke to him in his heart and had a perfect peace about it. He took a week off from work just to seek God's face on it the first week of November. When he went back to work, he was required to work 70 hour weeks, along with the time he serves in the children's ministry, he has not had the time to spend with God that he had before. (His club opens in 2 weeks and the hours will become more reasonable at that time.) He is exhausted from work and is having dreams that keep him up at night. He tells me he is angry with God for allowing it to happen, yet it looks like from my perspective he has the choice to say I refuse to think this way and take his thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ Jesus.

It really does sound like exhaustion is a big part of this. And it's very hard to hear God's voice clearly when you're exhausted. I'm sorry for how this is hitting you.

Thank you for allowing me to vent ... this is a safe place for me to vent.

I'm glad it is. Blessings to you!

Jonathan