I need advice. My husband does not want kids, but I do!

[Nina1984]

I started dating my husband when I was 17 years old (he was 19). When I was getting to know him, he had mentioned that he did not want kids EVER!

(Fast Forward to age 20)

When I was 20 we got engaged. He joined the Air Force and was getting stationed in Japan. Although he was going to wait a few more years to ask me, he decided that he wanted me to come to Japan with him. After he asked me, I bought up the fact that I wanted kids. He kind of brushed it off and said we will talk about it later....I took that as him saying he feels we are to young now (and I agreed with that) but that we will most likely start a family later.

Well, now I'm almost 29 and I want a family. I want kids so bad, and he said he just does not want them. He is a great husband, he loves me, and he takes care of me. He just does not want to be tied down by kids, ever! He said when we first got married, be thought he might change his mind one day, but he has not. I've spent years praying about it, but he wants to go get a vasectomy. A few weeks ago, he had an apt to go. He canceled it at the last minute because he didn't want to go without me being ok with it. However, how am I suppose to be OK with it? I want more then anything to be a mother and have a family. We have an amazing relationship, we don't fight (even about kids) and we have so much respect for one another. However, this issue is tearing us apart. He feels guilty for making me sad and not giving me a child. I feel bad for making him feel guilty, but how do I just make myself NOT want kids. Just seeing a baby makes me sad. However, I also don't think I could find the relationship/friendship that I have with my husband with another guy. I can't just walk away from 10 years with this person.

I could use some advice, I feel so lost and I'm torn between making my husband happy, and making myself happy. When I was little, before I new how kids were made, I use to say, "When I get married, I'm going to go home and get a baby". As a kid, I just thought you got a baby when you got married. I come from a family of 6 kids and I miss having people around. When I go home to visit, I feel so happy, then I come back to my life and I'm a little depressed. I feel like I'm living my husbands dreams. I fallow him from base to base, I am accepting on the way he wants things ran, but sometimes I feel like I don't matter.

 

[Audiomechanic]

It definitely sounds like there was a disconnect in the communication and/or honesty (honesty with self and honesty with each other) before even getting married. He thought or hoped (maybe) that his desire to have a child-free marriage would change, but it seems this desire is more ingrained in him than even he thought, or admitted. Unfortunately for the two of you, this is a core value that you're not on the same page about. One of you is going to have to give in to the other, and this MUST happen with 100% peace in either of your hearts about it or else there will be resentment. If this cannot happen, than I'm sorry, but your time in your marriage might be limited. Children, finances, in-laws, and religion are the 4 core issues that cause the majority divorces in the US. And not being on the same page about kids is a HUGE issue.

If you stay in this marriage, one of several things will happen:
a) He will change his mind and be at peace about it and you will have (a) Kid(s).
b) He will change his mind and NOT be at peace about it and you will have (a) kid(s) but he will hold resentment which may end your marriage later on anyway (or make it miserable)
c) you will change your mind and be at peace about it and you will not have kids
d) you will change your mind and NOT be at peace about it and you will not have kids, but you will hold resentment which may end your marriage anyway (or make it miserable)
e) Understanding that neither of you can change your mind about this issue and be at peace about it, you both decide to part ways and find spouses that share your core values.

I just don't see anything other than one of these happening and unfortunately, this kind of thing is quite common. Hopefully either a, or c can happen, but it might not. You and your husband both need to do some deep fearless and thorough soul searching and praying to find out what your true individual core values are, and whether or not your marriage comes before them.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[snoochface]

+1 to AudioMechanic's post. He's summed up the situation very well.

The best way to avoid resentment is to accept what is. And what is, is either you're not ever going to have a family and you have to accept that with peace in your heart as your station in life, or your marriage isn't going to last.

It's really unfair to a child to be brought into the world with a parent who doesn't want him or her. It's not their fault they were born. They deserve two parents who want them. If your husband is guilted into having a child when he doesn't want it, the kid will know.

You got into this relationship at a very young age, and got married at a young age, and unfortunately you both went into it knowing the other was not on the same page about a deal-breaker issue. The only way to fix that now is for one of you to honestly and sincerely change their mind, or to move on.

I'm really sorry.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

My view is feelings change about kids. No matter what someones promises before marriage doesn't mean that feeling won't change in marriage. WHat makes it hard though is I often feel like women care more about having kids then they do the status of their marriage. As if the marriage is simply a gateway to have kids and the husband isn't as important.

The outcome is never good. I am blessed because even though my wife suddenly wants kids, shes willing to accept if I don't think we should because she knows our love is what brought us together (well and God). Having kids is just an optional package that goes with marriage. But as stated many see marriage as meaning you must have kids. Often from peer pressure. And for some because they think the bible says you must even though thats not what marriage is about.

Marriage is about being bond servants to each other and helping each other grow as christians.

 

[Audiomechanic]

A bit of a tangent from the OP, but I agree completely, freakazoid.

 

[Verve]

Hey Nina,

Sidenote :84 was a great year to be born!

Anyways, I agree with the first post by audiomechanic.

Also, if your husband continues with not wanting biological children it doesn't mean that your maternal passions can not be pursued within the marriage.

Some things I would suggest.

Offer to care for children belonging to your friends.

Support other children with your spare funds. Adoption aid is always in need.

Offer your services in daycare at church.

These activities have been used to create a profound change in my perspective regarding children.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

If you stay in this marriage, one of several things will happen:
a) He will change his mind and be at peace about it and you will have (a) Kid(s).
b) He will change his mind and NOT be at peace about it and you will have (a) kid(s) but he will hold resentment which may end your marriage later on anyway (or make it miserable)
c) you will change your mind and be at peace about it and you will not have kids
d) you will change your mind and NOT be at peace about it and you will not have kids, but you will hold resentment which may end your marriage anyway (or make it miserable)
e) Understanding that neither of you can change your mind about this issue and be at peace about it, you both decide to part ways and find spouses that share your core values.

This is what happened to me. I wanted one or two children - my ex-wife refused to allow me to get a vasectomy (state law required the wife's signature) until her doctor told her that another pregnancy would probably kill her, then she made the appointment herself. While I love my children, all four of them, equally and very very much, I never forgave my ex-wife for that power trip over me. We ended up divorcing over other reasons, but that bitterness certainly didn't help.

It has to be a mutual decision - you have to both want it, or it's just gonna poison a relationship - either between you and him, or between him and the child.

 

[akmom]

Have you discussed becoming foster parents? I know some couples who did foster care before having children of their own. I know many families who found this to be their calling - some who also had children of their own, and some who never did. It's not the same as parenting, and can be very, very challenging, but it may be something to consider if both of you are willing to embark on it together.

And who knows? Maybe he will find that there is room in his life for children after all. You still have some fertile years left.