I need advice from christians

[praisehim79]

Hi my name is Layla and Ive been a christian for six years. I sometimes read the forums and enjoy reading what other christians have to say. I'm not supposed to chat on the internet but I need some advice. I have a problem with my husband. We've been married for two years. Last year he joined a new mens fellowship and ever since then he's been differnent. For the first year we had a wonderful marriage. But in his new mens group they focus a lot on marriages and being the head of the household. Ever since then hes been very strict. He wrote up a list of rules for me and posted them on the fridge, like when I have to cook and clean. He also has rules about when we will have sex which is once a day. This is even if Im sick or having my menstrual cycle or when I really dont want to. Now he is insisting that I have a baby even though I dont think we're ready. We live in a studio apartment and he only work s part time and he wont let me work. So he made it a new rule that I have to take fertility drugs so I can give him a baby. I really really am not ready for a baby. Is it being a disobeindient wife or a sin if I dont take pills? My plan is to pretend to take the pills but spit them out. But he said if that doesnt work , I have to have a shot which he would give me./ I dont know what to do. I have tried to be a good submissive wife. I make sure the house is clean, he has good meals, and special things like knitting him socks and giving him sponge baths. But he wont let me drive the car or spend any money. Should I just submit and hope that this will soften his heart? I would appreciate any advice Thanks and god bless - Layla

 

[searle29678]

Wow....I think you need to pray and pray some more. To me, a man taking on the head of household understands that he needs his wife to help him not take any instruction he dishes out. This sounds like a group that wants to control their wives not lead them. Not to sound rude, but this sounds like the beginnings of an abusive situation. I'm not sure how to handle the situation with the fertility drugs as of right now but like I said pray and pray some more for guidance for you and for your husband. Is this men's group through your church? Have you talked to him about his behavior? In my opinion, there is a difference in being controlled and being submissive. You will be in my prayers.

 

[Crashfreak]

I am sorry for the difficulty in this situation that you are faced with. Obviously his idea of being the head of the household is pretty off what the bible actually expects us Christian Husbands to be. I have been married to my wife for two years and I do believe that I should be the head of the household. However as that head I had the duty to treat my Wife with respect and love. In loving I do not order or require anything of her. It upsets me that your husband has changed in this way.

Searle mentioned prayer, and she is so very right. And I am not sure what type of church you attend, but maybe the Pastor of the church is unaware of this mens group and it may be helpful to go to him and explain the situation. The pastor may be in agreement with this mens study however and that would be a bit of a problem. If this is the case I would suggest moving to another church. Yet obviously this would be difficult with your husbands attitude. Pray to really influence your husbands attitude and to give him the knowledge of where he is going wrong.

You should also read up about this in the bible and talk to him about the situation. He is obviously being influenced by his peers. I do hope that you are able to sort out this situation.

All my prayers are with you and your husband.

 

[Redguard]

Hubby sounds like he's either being fed some cult-like behaviour in this group, or both of you are attending the wrong church.

Post up a note on the fridge telling him to 'honor' his wife.

 

[Redguard]

I also attend my church's men's group meeting. When the discussion is marriage and relationship, we're taught about patience and understanding.

Do you have an idea of how the other wives (of these husbands) are feeling?

I take it you're not allowed on the computer right now either?

 

[praisehim79]

Thanks for all who replied, I am praying and will continue to pray. I wish I could talk to some people at my church but the assistant pastor is the leader of the mens fellowship group and I think most of the elders are in the group as well. I dont really talk to any women at church, its mostly smalltalk but they are very submissive to their husbands, they act like servants even in public. If he knew I were writing this right now he would have a fit and probably lock the computer up. I am honestly thinking of leaving him. I dont think he loves me anymore and I feel so isolated and alone. I can only use the phone when hes home and I miss my family. They have no idea of what Im going through. I cant have any friends becuase he thinks they might influence how I think or act. I am so afriad of getting divorced. I know God hates divorce but I dont know how much longer I can live like this. PLease all pray for me and my husband. I dont mean to badmouth him in public. He used to be a wonderful husband and I never imagined us living like this.
Layla

 

[searle29678]

Leaving him doesn't mean divorce. You can leave and give him time to think and pray about it without divorcing him. Religious groups can be very effective in changing your thinking and it's not always for the good. Your husband probably thinks he's doing what's best for you according to the Bible, when in reality that isn't what this is at all. Think about it and continue to pray.

 

[Gerry_NY]

God has told us to love our wives as Christ has loved the church. A man needs to be the head of the household, but not a tyrant. Being the head of the household means being responsible for the spiritual, as well, as physical needs. It means to love sacrificially. Love and marriage is give and take.
It's written that men should love their wives as Christ loved the church, and women are to be submissive. I believe that it means there should be discussion. Both husband and wife discuss not fight over a matter. Then when the options are on the table, the husbands decision is final. But, when he makes these decisions, he should be aware that he is accountable to our Savior for every choice he makes. The choice he makes should be for the good of the family or relationship...even if it means deciding in your favor. Sacrificial love...It's tough, yeah, some guys go over board and become overlords instead of the loving caring husband they should be.
I am sorry for the situation you are in. It sounds like you are also in a very young marriage. Satan will do what he can to destroy a family. Especially in the first few years, where you are still learning so much about each other...learning how to work together to keep your marriage together and dodge the darts of the enemy's attack.
You need prayer, your husband definitely needs prayer. He also has to realize what he is becoming. He needs to realize to love your wife as Christ loved the church does not mean that he becomes Ghangis Khan.

 

[searle29678]

It sounds like you are also in a very young marriage. Satan will do what he can to destroy a family. Especially in the first few years, where you are still learning so much about each other...learning how to work together to keep your marriage together and dodge the darts of the enemy's attack.

Very good point.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Have you talked to him about it? What denom is this church( not that I'm looking to bash) Is anyone discipling him? There is a command not to have sxl relations while on your monthly if he wants to get technical. This man is emotionally abusing you, and you both need to get counseling(christian) ASAP!!! for the both of you.

 

[Mirelys]

I am horrified that he is forcing you to take drugs. Do you need them? I can't believe a doctor would prescribe them if you don't. Maybe sometime when he's at work you can call the doctor and tell him/her what's going on, and get the prescription cancelled. Maybe the doctor could even cover for you, tell your husband that you're at risk for side effects or something?
If he forces you to take a shot, I'd call the police. It doesn't matter if it's your husband, it's assault. You're not a bad wife for protecting yourself.
Disclaimer: This is if he won't listen to you at all. Your first priority is your physical safety, but your marriage is also important. I'm not saying you should make a habit of lying to your husband, but in that situation I can't think of what else you could do!
If he will go to counseling, good. If not, go anyway. I can't comprehend the mental/emotional damage that you must be suffering.
A couple of verses you might want to show him---
Leviticus 15:19 (prohibition of sexual contact during menstrual flow)
Song of Solomon 8:12 (I've always heard this interpreted as a woman's right not to be sexually exploited within marriage, as the "vineyard" refers to her body throughout the book)

Honey, good luck. You're in my prayers If you can get back to the computer, let us know how things are going.

 

[revrobor]

How sad Layla. The guy (indeed, the whole group if they all believe this) has gone off the deep end. He might as well be a Muslum. Stand firm, refuse to have the baby and get into some Biblical counselling. You are not being as "disobedient" as he is being unreasonable. He needs to get a full-time job and stop being such a bully. He may think so but I see nothing manly or Biblical about his behavior. In fact, I see him as a disgrace to Christian manhood. Is he really being taught this or is that just they way he interprets the teaching. If he is being taught this then, as you have already been told, you need to get out of that church.

 

[heartnsoul]

I agree with everyone's advice here. I would definitely look for another church to attend. Find time to sit down and discuss your feelings and concerns with your husband. If your husband refuses to listen to you, then you may need to temporarily separate from him so you can clear your mind and give him time to reconsider his decisions. Some people misinterpret the bible and many cults have used their own (twisted) interpretations to suit their own desires. I think you know deep down what is right and what is wrong. You're asking us to confirm what you already know inside of you. Never sell your soul. Always do what is right in your heart. A lot of these cults are very good at "brainwashing" their followers and some have become very violent. There are many history examples of cults. I don't want to scare you but as others have already posted, you do need to protect yourself, not only for your personal safety, but for your "mental" safety too.

Draw closer to God right now and pray for your husband and marriage. God may hate divorce, but God also hates ungodly marriages. I pray that God gives you strength, wisdom and courage to do what is right. Keep us posted.

 

[Jennifer615]

Layla, you are being mentally, emotionally and spiritually abused, and it is NOT pleasing to God! My advice would be to talk to him and tell him you can't take it any longer and show him in the scripture where it say a man must honor his wife and love her the way Christ loved the church. If nothing works, I would personally advise you separate, find a good Christian counsellor, and tell him that you will only consider reconsiling if he gets help. I am not suggesting divorce. Sometimes a man needs to be brought to his knees before he will stop abusing his wife!

God didn't put you on earth to be downtrodden, and treated as 2nd best. This man has NO RIGHT to force you to take drugs!! They may harm you! When you are ready to have a baby, you then try, and if you haven't conceived within a year, THEN you consider the fertility drugs.

Your husband is in desperate need of a CHRISTIAN MEN'S ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP, not this chauvinistic, tyranical, so called "Christian" group he is attending!

Please keep us posted Layla, and God bless.

 

[snoochface]

It definitely does not sound like this church is teaching properly. Layla, please read Ephesians 5 - it speaks about how wives and husbands are to treat each other, and while men are to lead the family, they are not to abuse their wives. Your husband is abusing you by forcing you to have sex with him even when you don't want to, by demanding you take drugs to give him a baby, by not letting you even drive the car. The fact that you are afraid he may lock down your computer for writing on a message board is a BIG HUGE red flag of a controlling, abusive man.

Bringing a baby into the relationship at this point, while all of this is going on, is a really bad idea. Your instincts are dead on about that. It would not be fair to any of you, least of all to the child.

I think you need to protect yourself however you can. Do you have any family or close friends you can turn to, someone you can stay with for a while until you decide whether or not this is something you can work out with your husband? Is there another church, a different one from where the warped men's group is being held, that you can visit, just to speak to the pastor and have somewhere to go?

Please know that what is going on with him is NOT right. I'm scared for you, hon. I've been with controlling and abusive men in the past, and I know that once it starts down that road it is very hard to reign back in. I want you to be safe and to protect yourself so you don't get hurt. Please pray, please please talk to someone - even if you have to call an abuse hotline - and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

I'll be praying for you as well.

 

[bliz]

Layla -

You need to leave.

You need to live someplace safe and stop going to that church. Once you are out of the house, you can go together to counseling (not from anyone at that church) and work on restoring the marriage. When he talks about you taking medications so that he can have what he wants, it is very clear that he does not have your best interests at heart. It is also clear that he cares far more about that group of men than he cares about his wife.

 

[isaiah5213]

okay:

are we for sure that the church is teaching this?? maybe he is distorting what they are teaching him! maybe he is getting it wrong, what they mean to do!

it's good that you have talked to some of the women.. have you asked if that is what is expected in their household also?? have you asked general questions? my first thought when i read your post, was to advise you to immediately go to the elders and the associate pastor, and say "hey, this is what is going on in my home.. help me!" and it is my 2nd thought too, because this is definitely wrong teaching. and if they are teaching it, the hardest thing for you, yet the strongest thing, is to make sure they know. if they didn't know, and they didn't teach it, then you are helping him and you, and they can tell him, "you are getting the teachings wrong here." if they did teach him, then you are following the scripture of "if your brother sins against you, go and confront him, if he doesn't repent, go and bring a witness..."

my husband can be controlling sometimes.. and he has a saying: "my wife tells me her opinion when she disagrees w/me on something. then my wife bows out of the way of the 2 by 4 that God swings at my head when i insist on doing the wrong thing... " and let me tell ya, my husband has had some hard smacks. he is a hugely long way from being what he once was. and to God, and God alone be the glory. God has loved us thru and thru. and because i believed that God would change my heart, and my husband's heart, he has changed more than i could ask or imagine... so i recommend that you pray and fast. for the truth to be exposed in spite of itself. and that your husband see that he is not loving you. i honestly believe that he doesn't know that he is not loving you. i think he thinks this is love. and that you obeying him is love.

 

[Svt4Him]

Sometimes I just get this feeling...

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Sometimes I just get this feeling...

Gotcha

 

[jferrell1211]

FYI, I am 47, Father of 5, Grandfather of 7, married 27 years, Christian 25 years...

I have a little experience....

I'll make this short and sweet...

leave him on a temporary basis...go to your Parents or other relatives of YOURS...

print out these responses in this thread, ALL of them, post them to the fridge..with a note stating that the NEW rules are contained herein....(or at least these replies should direct him to the TRUTH)

your husband has been SEDUCED by delusion...a power trip....he can return but he must face the truth...

Best of luck,
Jerry