I need advice and help.

[Winston_32]

As ashamed and saddened by my actions as I am, I'm hoping someone could help me to know what to do in order to make things right again.

My wife found pornography on my phone. She's terribly upset, hurt and angry. The emotions are running so high right now we can't really speak about it. I've apologized of course and have prayed for forgiveness from God but obviously this isn't the end to the issue.

We have a daughter who will be four in a couple months. Both my wife and daughter are such blessings. My wife is loyal, loving, beautiful, attractive and faithful. Our daughter is healthy, beautiful like her mother and I'm so thankful for both. My actions haven't reflected that to be sure and I'm very ashamed of myself.

Viewing pornography was a tremendously selfish, sinful thing to do. Beyond that, it was hurtful to my wife and has probably wiped away any amount of trust and comfort I established with her. Worse, I've put our marriage in jeopardy in exchange for physical pleasure. I haven't been a good Christian, a good husband or good father.

She's very upset and talking about divorce. She told me to get a lawyer. She told me she wished I was dead. She said she regrets marrying me. I don't blame her for how she feels. She's not wrong to be so hurt and upset.

I love my wife very much. I love my daughter. I don't want my mistakes to ruin either of their lives. I certainly don't want a divorce. I have no idea what to do beyond praying. What do I say to my wife? She unsurprisingly sees me as a villain now and doesn't believe anything I say. I can't blame her.

What do I do?

 

[zephcom]

As ashamed and saddened by my actions as I am, I'm hoping someone could help me to know what to do in order to make things right again.

My wife found pornography on my phone. She's terribly upset, hurt and angry. The emotions are running so high right now we can't really speak about it. I've apologized of course and have prayed for forgiveness from God but obviously this isn't the end to the issue.

We have a daughter who will be four in a couple months. Both my wife and daughter are such blessings. My wife is loyal, loving, beautiful, attractive and faithful. Our daughter is healthy, beautiful like her mother and I'm so thankful for both. My actions haven't reflected that to be sure and I'm very ashamed of myself.

Viewing pornography was a tremendously selfish, sinful thing to do. Beyond that, it was hurtful to my wife and has probably wiped away any amount of trust and comfort I established with her. Worse, I've put our marriage in jeopardy in exchange for physical pleasure. I haven't been a good Christian, a good husband or good father.

She's very upset and talking about divorce. She told me to get a lawyer. She told me she wished I was dead. She said she regrets marrying me. I don't blame her for how she feels. She's not wrong to be so hurt and upset.

I love my wife very much. I love my daughter. I don't want my mistakes to ruin either of their lives. I certainly don't want a divorce. I have no idea what to do beyond praying. What do I say to my wife? She unsurprisingly sees me as a villain now and doesn't believe anything I say. I can't blame her.

What do I do?

Get an attorney.

 

[Chris V++]

How long ago did this happen? She may just need a few days to cool down. She is hurt that you were hiding something from her and is overreacting.

 

[Mel333]

Maybe some flowers and a card that says you love her... She needs to cool her jets first, so give it a few days. You'll have to woo her back.

 

[Endeavourer]

Your post says your wife found porn on your phone. What else would she need to know if you came clean on all sexual satisfactions you have been indulging outside of your marital relationship? Your post sounded like it was hedging and not telling the full story of your extramarital behaviors.

How often do you view porn?

Without knowing the full story, this partial information indicates you need to provide your wife full transparency and passwords for all of your digital devices, and answer all of her questions with respect to extramarital sexual behaviors or habits.

What do you think of this article?
The Scourge of Pornography (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

 

[Winston_32]

Your post says your wife found porn on your phone. What else would she need to know if you came clean on all sexual satisfactions you have been indulging outside of your marital relationship? Your post sounded like it was hedging and not telling the full story of your extramarital behaviors.

How often do you view porn?

Without knowing the full story, this partial information indicates you need to provide your wife full transparency and passwords for all of your digital devices, and answer all of her questions with respect to extramarital sexual behaviors or habits.

What do you think of this article?
The Scourge of Pornography (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

I can understand why she or anyone else would expect there to be more but their isn't. I've been faithful to her in every other way. She has access to everything I have already, I've never kept that info from her. We have a transparent relationship except that I have been viewing pornography on my phone from time to time. Since my daughter was born finding time to be intimate with each other has been challenging. I found it easier to view pornography than to put in the effort with my wife. I know it was wrong and I offer no excuses for my selfish and sinful behavior. I'm just hoping that it hasn't ruined our marriage. She and my daughter deserve better. I'm sorry that my poor choices are going to impact them. I just hope she can somehow forgive me which is more than I deserve.

 

[Mel333]

Chocolates, romance, flowers, or make a really nice home cook dinner... Do something nice for her. It will work out . Give it a bit of time. She'll cool down. Can't say no to love.

She's feeling insecure at the moment. A secure woman doesn't react this way. They would talk about the problem without wishing you were dead or trying to divorce you... So she feels like you don't love her or she's not good enough for you.

You sound like a good guy to me... who struggles with the same thing most men struggle with.

 

[Endeavourer]

Did you read the article I attached to my previous post about pornography? I'm sure you are already aware of these effects, but Dr. Harley writes in such a practical, actionable way.

Since my daughter was born finding time to be intimate with each other has been challenging. I found it easier to view pornography than to put in the effort with my wife.

So you've identified a symptom of your problem, but it is not actually the root of it. The root of your problem is that you and your wife are not taking/prioritizing the time to connect with each other to meet each other's emotional needs. Sex is only one of these needs, and a mutually satisfying sex life is the manifestation that the other emotional needs are also being met.

When you were dating you both invested at least 15 hours per week in pursuit of your relationship and tending to the growing love you felt for each other. Now that you have a daughter this pursuit has been neglected (abandoned?), so of course your wife's love for you is not enduring at the same strength as it was back then.

You need to get back to that rhythm of investing in each other and your relationship. Many couples initially object to the cost of babysitting, but you are headed for a divorce and babysitting will be a far better investment for you than divorce lawyers, child support and maintaining two separate households. Further, it is ideal for your daughter to be raised in a home with both of her parents who are in love with each other.

This article introduces the concept of dating and how it will solve the problem you are experiencing. Please let me know what you think of it:
The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he...

I would strongly recommend that you and your wife engage in 4 four hour dates per week to revitalize and maintain your relationship. Continuing to date is vital to maintaining that in-love feeling with each other. You have plenty of time to work, invest 16 hours per week in each other as well as spend an appropriate amount of time bonding and caring for your daughter. The best thing you can do for your daughter is save your marriage and pursue her mother back to being in love with you.

Make your dates the best hours of your whole week, doing recreational activities you both greatly enjoy. Focus on meeting each other's emotional needs during the dates, and deposits in each other's love banks. Set aside a different time for discussions on difficult areas - dates are to be dedicated entirely to purposefully connecting with each other emotionally and spending fun time together.

My husband and I continue to invest similar levels of pursuit/engagement with each other as we did when we were dating and we are very much in love with each other. Butterflies, excitement and all. You and your wife can stay head over heels in love with each other for the rest of your lives as well.

Here is a series of articles about dating for you to read as you get time. The series has approximately 20 sequential articles describing how couples in various states of problems restored their marriage. The focus was eliminating lovebusters and getting back to dating. It will be enormously helpful to you and worth your time to study.
Dating the One You Married Series of Articles (Marriage Builders®,...

 

[eleos1954]

As ashamed and saddened by my actions as I am, I'm hoping someone could help me to know what to do in order to make things right again.

My wife found pornography on my phone. She's terribly upset, hurt and angry. The emotions are running so high right now we can't really speak about it. I've apologized of course and have prayed for forgiveness from God but obviously this isn't the end to the issue.

We have a daughter who will be four in a couple months. Both my wife and daughter are such blessings. My wife is loyal, loving, beautiful, attractive and faithful. Our daughter is healthy, beautiful like her mother and I'm so thankful for both. My actions haven't reflected that to be sure and I'm very ashamed of myself.

Viewing pornography was a tremendously selfish, sinful thing to do. Beyond that, it was hurtful to my wife and has probably wiped away any amount of trust and comfort I established with her. Worse, I've put our marriage in jeopardy in exchange for physical pleasure. I haven't been a good Christian, a good husband or good father.

She's very upset and talking about divorce. She told me to get a lawyer. She told me she wished I was dead. She said she regrets marrying me. I don't blame her for how she feels. She's not wrong to be so hurt and upset.

I love my wife very much. I love my daughter. I don't want my mistakes to ruin either of their lives. I certainly don't want a divorce. I have no idea what to do beyond praying. What do I say to my wife? She unsurprisingly sees me as a villain now and doesn't believe anything I say. I can't blame her.

What do I do?

well, if you haven't tell her directly what you posted in here and ask her for her forgiveness and then give it some time. She may or may not pursue divorce. I'd wait for her to take this step in that direction ... or not. She's in the driving seat (so to speak).

The both of you DO need to talk about this and likely other things.

Once a trust is broken it can be very difficult to repair ... but ... not impossible.

What's done is done and there will be consequences whether the marriage stays in tact or not. That's just the plain truth.

 

[gym_class_hero]

Like Jesus told the woman at the well, "go and sin no more."

Avoid putting yourself in a position where you have to face your temptation. Maybe put your phone in your wife's purse when you get home at night from work. Unplug the computer or put it in your bedroom. The only thing that heals these type of deals is time in the rebuilding of trust which can only come when both of you dedicate your lives to walking in a way that brings honor and glory to God. God bless you and your family

 

[Winston_32]

Did you read the article I attached to my previous post about pornography? I'm sure you are already aware of these effects, but Dr. Harley writes in such a practical, actionable way.



So you've identified a symptom of your problem, but it is not actually the root of it. The root of your problem is that you and your wife are not taking/prioritizing the time to connect with each other to meet each other's emotional needs. Sex is only one of these needs, and a mutually satisfying sex life is the manifestation that the other emotional needs are also being met.

When you were dating you both invested at least 15 hours per week in pursuit of your relationship and tending to the growing love you felt for each other. Now that you have a daughter this pursuit has been neglected (abandoned?), so of course your wife's love for you is not enduring at the same strength as it was back then.

You need to get back to that rhythm of investing in each other and your relationship. Many couples initially object to the cost of babysitting, but you are headed for a divorce and babysitting will be a far better investment for you than divorce lawyers, child support and maintaining two separate households. Further, it is ideal for your daughter to be raised in a home with both of her parents who are in love with each other.

This article introduces the concept of dating and how it will solve the problem you are experiencing. Please let me know what you think of it:
The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he...

I would strongly recommend that you and your wife engage in 4 four hour dates per week to revitalize and maintain your relationship. Continuing to date is vital to maintaining that in-love feeling with each other. You have plenty of time to work, invest 16 hours per week in each other as well as spend an appropriate amount of time bonding and caring for your daughter. The best thing you can do for your daughter is save your marriage and pursue her mother back to being in love with you.

Make your dates the best hours of your whole week, doing recreational activities you both greatly enjoy. Focus on meeting each other's emotional needs during the dates, and deposits in each other's love banks. Set aside a different time for discussions on difficult areas - dates are to be dedicated entirely to purposefully connecting with each other emotionally and spending fun time together.

My husband and I continue to invest similar levels of pursuit/engagement with each other as we did when we were dating and we are very much in love with each other. Butterflies, excitement and all. You and your wife can stay head over heels in love with each other for the rest of your lives as well.

Here is a series of articles about dating for you to read as you get time. The series has approximately 20 sequential articles describing how couples in various states of problems restored their marriage. The focus was eliminating lovebusters and getting back to dating. It will be enormously helpful to you and worth your time to study.
Dating the One You Married Series of Articles (Marriage Builders®,...

I did read the article you attached, thank you for taking so much time and interest in my problem. The article rang true for me in many ways and I'll be sure to read the rest.

You've been very informative and have given me lots of concrete ideas to use moving forward. My wife and I have had a long discussion and we're going to work on moving forward together to make our marriage better. We are planning to set aside a couple hours alone this week to discuss calmly what our needs are and institute real changes that will help us maintain a good and healthy marriage. Your suggestions and insight will be really valuable to us both.

What we've discovered is that we've been stuck in a rut and have made poor choices (more me than her) in dealing with an uncomfortable situation. We both know that moving forward in a healthy way will have challenges but we're committed to making things better.

Thanks so much for the help, God bless you.

 

[Mel333]

Yay! So happy to hear.

 

[Endeavourer]

My wife and I have had a long discussion and we're going to work on moving forward together to make our marriage better. We are planning to set aside a couple hours alone this week to discuss calmly what our needs are and institute real changes that will help us maintain a good and healthy marriage.

So encouraged to hear this Winston!! Great progress!!

Please, before sitting down for your discussion, read these two links and give them to your wife to read.
The Giver & Taker (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
The Policy of Joint Agreement (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

They are invaluable for knowing how to productively and lovingly work through conflicts. When you are making decisions, don't accept sacrifices from each other (coerce the other's giver) because all that does is kick the conflict down the road when the other person's giver gets tired and their taker steps in. When a person's taker steps in, resentment has already built and now you have a bigger problem to resolve with hurt feelings that could have instead been resolved a different way upfront.

My husband and I resolve conflicts strictly with these methods and we are even more happy with each other after the conflict is resolved than we were before. Resolving conflict gives you the opportunity to minister to each other's takers upfront so you are both looking forward to the new solution.

During your discussions, never argue about whether the other person's approach makes sense or who's idea is best. Just say you're not enthusiastic about the component you don't like. Give each other the assumption of equal intelligence and equal good will. Don't pass judgement about or denigrate the other person's ideas. This allows the two of you to unemotionally bounce around all kinds of ideas without the other getting defensive during the brainstorming.

Brainstorm until you come up with a solution you are mutually enthusiastic about. Dr. Harley requires enthusiasm from both parties to ensure that one person's giver isn't reluctantly stepping up. Take no action on any particular situation until you have mutual enthusiasm. When it grows to be urgent enough, you might find some mutual enthusiasm about this or that portion of the solution (when the discomfort of taking no action makes both of you mutually enthusiastic about taking some action).

What we've discovered is that we've been stuck in a rut and have made poor choices (more me than her) in dealing with an uncomfortable situation. We both know that moving forward in a healthy way will have challenges but we're committed to making things better.

This is a great mindset. I'm so encouraged to hear it, and I appreciate your feedback on the advice I provided earlier.

Marriage is not instinctive. You will do yours a huge favor by studying the links I gave you as well as exploring other concepts at marriagebuilders. It will be time well spent as your marital happiness (or not) either uplifts or drags down every single day of your life.

My husband and I follow the marriagebuilders methodologies (which become instinctive and habitual after you practice them for a while) and we have a marriage that is brimming over with joy and deep love for each other. I have noticed many opportunities for things to go sideways if we had not been really purposeful and dedicated to following these methods. After we stick to the course anyway, I've always been SO thrilled and happy with the outcome of the conflict, and even more in love with my husband than before. He feels the same way.

Thanks so much for the help, God bless you.

Thank you! You are welcome! I pray he blesses you, your wife, your marriage and your family abundantly!!

 

[Endeavourer]

We are planning to set aside a couple hours alone this week to discuss calmly what our needs are and institute real changes that will help us maintain a good and healthy marriage. Your suggestions and insight will be really valuable to us both.

One more comment for you Winston: during this discussion don't hash old stuff. Just look to the future and a plan to restore your marriage. Make this discussion a pivot to a new day.

If you go into old stuff you'll just be bringing the pain of the past back into the present and defeating your future. Once you change your habits and your behaviors and fall back in love with each other, it is possible that neither of you will care about the old stuff.

However, if there is any old stuff that still needs to be adjudicated, it is better to have a third party mediate so neither of you hears the other's dumping out drama before it can be phrased in a productive, solution seeking format. Even so, you need to talk to the third party separately so the pain and anger of the past isn't rekindled and you leave the adjudication with all of your old hurts and anger rekindled stronger than you arrived. If you seek out a counselor, make sure it's one that will not hear the two of you together initially until you are far enough along in your new habits so your session will be constructive, not destructive.

It has been proven that the two of you are unable to resolve the past with the communication skill sets you currently have. For now you need to stop the bleeding and start the healing. Leave the old stuff alone in the 'relationship' discussions between the two of you for now and focus on what you are working to build for your future together.

 

[carp614]

My wife and I have had a long discussion and we're going to work on moving forward together to make our marriage better.

Praise the Lord!

I am you Winston. Pornography nearly destroyed my marriage. Trust was destroyed. Great damage was done. The healing process has taken years and will likely take many more. We have reaped what I've sown and worked hard to sow better. We are now beginning to reap better fruit.

If you will forgive me for offering advice I want to share with you some of what we have done that has worked well:

• Accountability software has been helpful both in managing sin and building trust. We use Covenant Eyes.
  
• Though it has been difficult, we have come to the point where neither of us is willing to use the word divorce, no matter how difficult things get.
• I have not been patient enough with my wife as she heals. I did not accept the consequences of my actions with the necessary humility. My pridefulness was tremendously damaging to the healing process.
  
• What Ephesians 5:25 really means matters immensely. In our marriage, I am first and foremost a bond servant of Christ. I put my wants, my needs, my desires, last, and put serving the Lord and ministering to my wife in all humility first. The better I get at this, the better our relationship has become.
  
• You don't have to trust your wife to do the Ephesians 5:25 thing. You have to trust the Lord

May the Lord richly bless you and your marriage!