I made a big mistake tonight...

[mommame22]

I made a big mistake...tonight.

My husband (as posted in another thread) stays home most of time with our child, who is 8.

My husband has a passive aggressive personality. Very sarcastic. My son is picking it up. For example, my husband will
call me (on speaker phone) and tell me the couch got ruined or my favorite dress got screwed up at the cleaners. I now know
never to believe him because it's typically a joke. Ha ha...gotcha kinda stuff. But never said with humor.

Well, tonight my mother was visiting and my DH's Father...for my son's first communion tomorrow.
I told my son at dinner that I didn't have to work on Monday because I took the day off to be just with him.

He looked down and said "no thanks." ...I thought he was joking, like DH. So I said "come on..you know I'm excited for Monday and I know you are too!"
He said "nope, Daddy got a sitter". I said "right...right..." I know you are joking. I said "Sweetie that really hurt my feelings". He just shrugged his shoulders and ignored me. (as my DH often does)

But my mother looked at me as if my child was serious...and she already thinks I'm nuts because I'm the breadwinner.

I snapped and said.."Mom...Peter is just playing games ...like his dad with his passive aggressive sarcasm."

I knew when I said it ..I made a horrible mistake. I said "I'm sorry...I didn't mean that"...and everyone changed the subject.

I told my husband aside and apologized and told him I was sorry, but that our child embarrassed me in front of my mother and I lashed out and I was wrong.
I said ..."but our child should not be doing that ...and that shouldn't be something that he's consistently exposed to."

My DH said "yes ma'am" and that was it...and coldly walked away.

I am not back at work and can't stop crying. I feel like my child is now turning into a terror. My DH doesn't care and my mother and father in law think I'm not loved by my own child.

Am I overreacting? I just don't know if I"ve ever felt so low...knowing how awful my marriage is...and how bad my child was acting. And most of all...I feel terrible for being "that" person..and lashing out.

 

[Willie T]

Are you sure the big mistake was not made a long time ago, and the results are just finally beginning to show up?

 

[mommame22]

You mean in marrying him?

Are you sure the big mistake was not made a long time ago, and the results are just finally beginning to show up?

 

[Willie T]

No. Starting a few years later.

 

[mommame22]

Well, I am not as big of a force in our son's life as my husband. He doesn't work much and I work all the time.

So I try and try...but this is just so difficult. How do I fix this...when my DH's behavior continues...he models it...and I am not around to be the referee.

I apologized to my husband for my words...and asked him to help me fix this. He just said "Yes ma'am"

He thinks it's funny. He will call me (with child in the car) on speaker phone and say "son got in major trouble today at school...it was bad". I will get worried and he will say..."yep..and son will jump on and try to fool me too".

Then they both laugh at me for believing them. I have asked repeatedly not to do this. They don't listen.

 

[Willie T]

Well, I am not as big of a force in our son's life as my husband. He doesn't work much and I work all the time.

So I try and try...but this is just so difficult. How do I fix this...when my DH's behavior continues...he models it...and I am not around to be the referee.

I know. And I understand. We all make the choices we feel we have to make. But there always seem to be some unexpected results, and it's sometimes tough to unwind them once time and environmental input has shaped certain things.

 

[mommame22]

He thinks it's funny. He will call me (with child in the car) on speaker phone and say "son got in major trouble today at school...it was bad". I will get worried and he will say..."yep..and son will jump on and try to fool me too".

Then they both laugh at me for believing them. I have asked repeatedly not to do this. They don't listen.

 

[Willie T]

Frankly, to a man, just the comment, "Yes Ma'am", speaks some pretty frightening volumes. (Substitute the words, "Yes, Mommy", or, "Yes, Boss.")

 

[Willie T]

He thinks it's funny. He will call me (with child in the car) on speaker phone and say "son got in major trouble today at school...it was bad". I will get worried and he will say..."yep..and son will jump on and try to fool me too".

Then they both laugh at me for believing them. I have asked repeatedly not to do this. They don't listen.

Honestly? Probably just a way to try and exert some control that he likely feels he abdicated a long time ago.

And sons learn how to behave toward Mommy by watching the example of their fathers.

 

[mommame22]

yeah, I know. I mean how can I possibly change the behavior when I get that kind of treatment. He doesn't listen to me or respect my wishes.

And I can HONESTLY say...while I'm not perfect... My DH has a terrible way with words. He is abrasive and not good with crowds. He accidentally insults people etc. So I am constantly on egg shells trying to help him... but he doesn't seem to care and now son is getting same.

 

[Willie T]

He probably is a blockhead, but you have to work with what YOU can control. And that is your own reactions.

Show him your buttons, and he will derive a perverted sense of redemption of his flagging manhood from pushing them.

Take that phone call....... "Sorry, Honey, I'm in the middle of something... Hold that thought, and maybe we can find some time to discuss it when I get home.", would be an answer that would leave him with no satisfaction in the ruse. And, after a few weeks of this, he may want to sit down and talk some.... but let him initiate it.

 

[Inkachu]

IMHO you have GOT to find a way to be more prevalent in this child's life, and I mean ASAP. Instead of focusing on how to wrangle your husband into acting like an actual father and husband, focus on what you can do to be around this poor kid more often. It absolutely sucks that your husband is acting like a total fool, and now it's showing up in your son, but there's only so much power you have in this situation. I'd advise finding creative ways to spend time with your son, just you and him, AND possibly counseling for you and your husband. For him to totally disregard your wishes and belittle you by treating your feelings like a joke, that's completely unacceptable.

 

[mommame22]

I had to come back to work. Like I said. I apologized and all I got was "yes ma'am". What should I say to him when I get home?

I do think it's possible that we will be seperating soon due to other problems too.

 

[mommame22]

Would this constitute emotional abuse?

I see this is part of my DH sarcastic behavior/humor.

Part of me feels bad... For being so hurt.

But now that son does it... It literally left me in tears tonight.

 

[Avniel]

IMHO you have GOT to find a way to be more prevalent in this child's life, and I mean ASAP. Instead of focusing on how to wrangle your husband into acting like an actual father and husband, focus on what you can do to be around this poor kid more often. It absolutely sucks that your husband is acting like a total fool, and now it's showing up in your son, but there's only so much power you have in this situation. I'd advise finding creative ways to spend time with your son, just you and him, AND possibly counseling for you and your husband. For him to totally disregard your wishes and belittle you by treating your feelings like a joke, that's completely unacceptable.

Matthew 5:22
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

I actually agree with you for the most part I just disagree with certain things. I think the importance of the mother and child relationship for kids is a foundation of who they become. A father is important equally however I think it's important for a mother to have a connection with their child. I think with this problem they must take equal responsibility for this. The reality is no one is forcing her to work this sort job it is all choices. She could stop working on monday and the world won't end and it doesn't seem like her husband is going to beat her. She feels she doesn't have a choice because she is overextended finically. Leasing cars, rent vs mortgage, house keeping.....and who knows what other bad moves they both made together.

Now I don't doubt they don't have problems and her husband seems to be a jerk. However I think the first step to fixing their marriage is down sizing to a trailer if they have to or living with relatives if that is possible till they remove some debt. After downsizing she needs to look for another job with better hours that she likes. If I were her I wouldn't expect him to work any harder then he is but what she should expect is that the bills get met 50/50. They need to move into a place where he can right now pay 50/50 with his current income and if that leaves him broke without a penny to spare that's his fault. Until there is a solution there should be no sharing of money I am talking labeling of food.


The number one goal right now is to get out of debt:

Proverbs 22:7
7 The rich ruleth over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.

 

[Inkachu]

Would this constitute emotional abuse?

I see this is part of my DH sarcastic behavior/humor.

Part of me feels bad... For being so hurt.

But now that son does it... It literally left me in tears tonight.

I feel so bad for you

Something definitely needs to change. Please be in prayer about this entire situation, day and night. God's wisdom and guidance are so paramount when things like this are happening.

You've heard a lot of people suggest immediate and drastic "downsizing" of your overall lifestyle; get a smaller/cheaper place to live, can you sell a car and buy something older and used, etc etc. Are you willing to go there? Would your husband be? Frankly, if he's just "checked out" of this relationship in his heart, offering some wise financial advice might just fall on deaf ears. I guess only you can answer if it's worth it to try at this point or not.

I really, really hurt for you. I'd give you a hug if I could.

 

[mommame22]

Thank you...I'm grateful for the feedback.

I just feel sad. Sad that I see my son falling into this pattern. It's like..I expect this sarcasm from my husband because I know it's him. I've forgiven it SO many times....and now I just ignore it. But what's so awful...is realizing my continuous "ignoring it to avoid giving it attention"...is now showing my son a permissible behavior.

I said "son is mimicking daddy's passive aggressive sarcasm and it's hurting mommy"...in front of the entire family. No one said a word and my husband gave me a look that could have killed.

The fact that I SAID that shocked even me. I felt horrible. I am not an evil person and it just came out because I was so embarresed that my son said he didn't want me to be home with him...and while I know he was doing the "I'm teasing mom and doing it with a poker face" bit... my Mom and DH's Dad didn't know that. I know my Mom thinks my child hates me. DH's father must think I'm a nasty bi*ch for lashing out like that.

Again I did apologize but he never apologized and took responsibility.

The financial stuff....that's just financial stuff. I can't quit. I suppose I could but we'd have to move out of our leased house. We don't have family to go to. They are both out of state and they would not welcome us into their homes.

My husband wanted to sue my mother years ago for my father's life insurance money so she will barely tell me what her DOB is... and my father in law is just not welcoming whatsoever.

So I could find a new job. Or I may just try to work around my schedule temporarily and tell my husband he can find an apartment to live. (that I will have to pay for).

 

[Avniel]

I had to come back to work. Like I said. I apologized and all I got was "yes ma'am". What should I say to him when I get home?

I do think it's possible that we will be seperating soon due to other problems too.

What are your chances of gaining custody since he is primary care for said child? As you have said who spends more time with the child? I am not sure that plays a role in rulings where you are....but in the US I believe most states weigh heavily on who has more time invested with the child. I would document arguments, let him know you are recording him so you can visit his behavior later and communicate, if he throws, breaks or threatens you call the authorities to make a legal record of his behavior. Other then that based on the laws in the US you would have a hard time getting custody and may be responsible for child support.

 

[mommame22]

I spoke w an attorney the last time things came this close and he said that I would probably get joint custody over son. I would need to hire a nanny to help me. But I would do whatever I could to be with my son.

My concern is.., how do I get this kid to see the pain he and his father can cause with these words and games. This is not new.

 

[Avniel]

I spoke w an attorney the last time things came this close and he said that I would probably get joint custody over son. I would need to hire a nanny to help me. But I would do whatever I could to be with my son.

My concern is.., how do I get this kid to see the pain he and his father can cause with these words and games. This is not new.

Really joint custody as in equal time or joint custody as in a weekend?


I think that starts with finding a church home, surround him by more positive male role models, make him volunteer, talk to him and spend more time with him. You can do all of that but if you don't spend more time with him it won't matter. Children need stability and consistency you have to be there for them.

I mentor children that are at risk for gang violence and criminal activity sometimes just being present changes behavior.