"I Love You"

[faith2blv_in]

Okay, heres a couple of questions, hopefully someone here can help - better yet relate to this issue i'm having... or whatever it may be..
So basically over the past few weeks my boyfriend and i have been having some pretty heavy issues, for those who have read any of my other posts in the "new christians" catagory, may get a small glimse of the kinds of problems we are having - although i'll be honest there are more issues between us, than i've mentioned in any of my posts since i joined here a few weeks ago....
Here is a small low down: Recently my christian boyfriend stated to me that he needed to start living for Christ again, he had strayed for a few months, found himself "spiritually dead" (passed the blame on me for a while) he decided that he needed to find God again, and i give him all the power to that. I however, have always beleived but strayed for about five years, yearning for it in the back of my mind, yet believing that after all i've seen and done, i probably wouldn't be "saved" Well i was, three weeks ago to be exact, and its been full of joy and sorrow at the same time. In the midst of this, i've had to deal with finding God, rebuilding that relationship i had with him years ago, and dealing with my boyfriend, who also is trying to rebuild his relationship with Christ. Through our problems we decided that breaking up wasn't the answer for us (although i question that daily) and that we would start to rebuild our relationship together as well. Its been tough - especially since some of the things he says to me about "not knowing anything about God" "just learning" or the infamous "don't you get it, don't you see" has weighed in too, i feel small compared to him, i feel he gets frustrated because i don't know what he knows, i haven't grown up in christian home like him where he has learned of God his whole life, i'm just new, and he seems to get discouraged easily over that. It really bothers me that i feel inadequet towards him - even though he too is struggling. If you have any suggestions, encouragements etc; i'd love to hear it, sometimes this place is all i have to go to and say how i really feel. Everyday at some point i'm ready to give up on my boyfriend, thinking about how worth the pain and emotional ride is.
On top of all of this, he went from telling me a million times a day that he loves me to all of a sudden stopping. He didn't say the words "i love you" for almost a week. Last night i asked him why, and asked him if it was because he was so mad at me and so angry at me, that he stopped loving me and had to re-fall in love with me again. He told me to calm down. I was depressed, i heard it all the time,and then bang, nothing. He says to me " my parents don't tell eachother they love eachother everyday" that he doesn't "feel he needs to say it all the time" I feel like he doesn't love me, because you heard it so much that now when you don't, you worry and you wonder. My parents tell eachother everyday, because my mom says "you never know when its your last day" i believe that to be true. Now, here's my real questions: should you be telling someone you love them everyday? and am i being silly in beating myself up over not hearing it everyday now? After problems does one "slightly" fall out of love with thier partner and have to rebuild it again? or does this all sound to you like he is out of love with me and take it as a big sign to move on? Is it worth rebuilding? is worth all this pain? am i alone on this? OR should i just back off for a bit, give him ample space to find what he needs to, and find what i need to, and in the meantime, not get so mad/hurt/frustrated when i don't hear those three words? i don't know, sometimes i even think that i've fallen out of love with him in a lot of ways, but then i just think that i'm only convincing myself i am just to stoop to his level? and exactly how do you let God guide your relationship? - being new to this and "not knowing anything" i feel silly at times writing questions like that... but like i said earlier,, this place is sometimes all i have.

 

[EmSchmem]

Frankly, this sounds like a rather immature relationsip. As fallen petty humans we honestly "fall" in and out of love with each other. I can guaratee you that when my husband decides the best time to tease me to no end is when I am sick, that I don't feel a whole lot of love. But I don't stop LOVING him.
If you both want to focus on God it may be time to take a break from each other if not break up all together. If you decide to stay together, you're going to have to drop the petty stuff. I would also realyl start spending time either with other couples or with your friends in general. The best advice is always going to come from people who are right in your life and see you everyday.

 

[faith2blv_in]

immature? thanks

 

[EmSchmem]

Oh pooh. Don't get defensive. I wasn't criticising, I was merely stating an observation. You can be 60 years old and be immature in a relationship. It's nothing personal. You guys seem to be (and your boyfriend definately is) jerking each other around some with this I'm too mad to tell you I love you BS. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but I would be doing a diservice to you if I told you only what you wanted to hear. Did you read anything past that?

 

[Pope Gonzo]

Love is a very strong word. In my eyes, marriage-strong. If you're ready to marry them, honestly, then tell them you love them. There should be no rush to tell the other you love them.

 

[faith2blv_in]

oh no, i didn't read anything past it. You answered a lot of my questions.

 

[Johnnz]

There are some worrying signs there for any long term relationship. He seems unreasonably angry, intolerant of differences, and self absorbed.

Take some time out may be good advice for now.

John
NZ

 

[lovedbyJesus]

Through our problems we decided that breaking up wasn't the answer for us (although i question that daily)

Clearly your being together is pulling both of you down. Why don't you surrender it all to God? After all, if you two are really meant for each other, God will bring you back together again. For now, focus on building your relationship with Christ individually. You yourself said that you question your decision to stay together daily. I personally believe that is God speaking to you. Remember, He speaks in a gentle whisper? Sometimes we "don't hear" what He's saying because we don't want to hear what He actually is saying.

 

[Im_A]

if you don't mind, i will give you an example of the longest relationship i have ever had, and how it went. i hope it helps you out in any way.

i dated a girl in highschool for 2 years, (well nearly 2 years. we broke up valentines day, which was i think about 2 weeks from our year anniversy date, lol, i still remember, that was 4 years ago, but it's on the same day as my mom's b/day). this was the first real relationship i have ever had and all that stuff.

the stuff i'm going to talk about it is the differences that we shared in our faith and how it really in the end either caused the ending if our relationship, or at least shown why there was some turmoil. She was born into a strong Christian fmaily. She had several sisters, one which is a twin, and in all reality, the twins were the only daughters that tried to live for God, so there was a lot of pressure to be the good person. they both did it well. now me. i didn't grow up in a strong practicing Christian family. my mom believed, but she struggled, just like everyone else, and my dad was an atheist who grew pot in the house, and was emotionally and turned into physical abusive which in the end, ended in a divorce in 1990. i became a Christian when i was 12 years old. so nevertheless, we were both Christians, but our worlds were two completely different.

so she was set in all her technical views that Christian bicker about. her father preached also. he had a reformed congregationalist church, and i went to a non-denominational/pentecostal church. BIG difference. she wasn't even allowed to come with me to church and in the end, i went to her church, but i'll get to that soon. so we believed very different in many areas. arguments were based out of that i am with the "truth" or that i am wrong, and that i have to believe this and that, but yet we struggled physicall with each other. never had sex, but struggled with it. at one point she told me if we don't get this under control, we're going to have to break up. yea, that "threat" lasted a week.

then her father got involved. i went to his church for awhile. it's a tiny church of basically family members, and a few people weren't blood related. i ended up playing my guitar a few times for worship and getting involved. then i switched to the First Friends Church. we had a momentary breakup sometime after that. to be honest, i don't remember the exacts of why we broke up. i was heartbroken. it was a living hell for me to be apart from her back then, because at the time, that is all i knew to be love. so within a month or so, her father made a "deal". if i go to his church, we can date. he had to be sure the b/f of his daughter was going to church regularly, so the best way is to force the issue if i want to date his daughter. i gave into it. at the time, i had to be with her, and couldn't see the fallacy in what he offered, and what her and i accepted.

well 5 months went on, and it just ate at me. i remember the first night we were a "couple" again, we got into a debate about suicide. now grant it, we had a lot of good times, but debating about religious stuff was a common thing with us. so like i said, 5 months went on, and i couldn't take it. i wanted her, but i couldn't stick to this "deal". it made me feel fake in my spiritual life and i couldn't take it anymore. so i ended up telling her, look, i'm sorry, but if my switching churches causes us to break up, then i'm sorry, but i have to do it. well then the official day was valentines day of 2000.

it burned me. she didn't stand up to such a stupid idea that was given to us, and i was upset at her father for that and other issues too. my whole version of love just got turned upside down, (not like it has flipped back yet, lol ). i was this young new christian kid at that time, and in some ways i felt very inferior to them/her ("them" meaning her family.) in some ways, maybe it even hurt my walk at the time. not blaming them, but nevertheless it played a part in my spiritual life after that. it hurt me to know that i had to make a choice for myself that in the end tore us apart, but nevertheless, i am glad i made that choice.

i also want to add, from my own experiences, it is a common problem within the single life of a Christian person, at least i think so, take what you want from that trying to find a Christian person that you can relate with spiritually, beyond having commonairities in the same religion is like finding a needle in a haystack to me. i haven't found it yet. i have had non-Christians and Christians in relationships, and nothing really seems to be that different for me yet, just technicalities of what religion one is. i am not like a lot of "normal" Christian guys. i don't look like how a lot of Christian guys look like, for i have tattoos (hence the name), and decent size ear rings. some of my struggles are struggles that i think Christian females don't want in their man. i question things within the faith, but i am at peace with who i am. so now, trying to find a Christian girl who wants who i am now has been hard road for me, as it is for any Christian or non-Christian out there having no luck in relationships. I can say, pray about it, and do what you need to do for yourself. through prayer, and you knowing things about you, you can make a good judgement with God's help to know what to do with this. like with my example, when we broke up, things were technically good, till the issue of the "deal" came up. other than that, the time in our relationship was good. but nevertheless, no matter how good it was, still somethign wasn't right and i knew it, and by God's grace and will i made that choice. so just pray, you know yourself better than anyone else besides God Himself, and through Him you will be able to make a desicion that you can run on faith with, and a desicion that you can have strength to make. May God Bless you! <><

p.s. if you want to talk more, feel free to either private message me, or shoot me an email or just add more to the thread.

 

[invisiblebabe]

It doesn't sound like you two are right for one another emotionally or spiritually. He seems to be discouraging you rather than encouraging you.... and while all relationships will definitely have struggles, when the struggles of this nature outweigh the good points and he generally seems to be hurting you more than he's helping you... it's a sign that you guys aren't compatible.