"I love you"

[blackribbon]

What does it mean to most people?

I had a friend tell me this the other night. I believe he meant it and in most likely in a romantic way but he is not in any position to do anything about it so I am not even exploring my feelings toward him. It would be a moot point at this time. It is best to just go on like it was never said. He is a friend only.

I once casually dated a guy whose wife had died and he loved her deeply. On several occasions he had told me that he loved me but I know it was more that it fell out of his mouth at times he would have told his wife this (and he usually had been drinking.) I knew enough to not take it at face value.

When I was younger, I know I heard it when someone wanted to marry me...or at least thought they did. My husband first said it when he didn't think I could hear (well, maybe he had said be before then and I really didn't hear?)

That said, I am surprised how much this quiet declaration is affecting me. It could simply be it has been a long time since a man told me this and really meant it (like I said, I knew the widower was really talking to his wife and not me). My husband used to tell me he loved me daily ... intentionally ... so I was kind of spoiled for a very long time.

Have you ever told someone you loved them in a romantic way? and how easily do you say it? Does it mean that you just really like them, like how you feel at that moment, or that you really are considering a life long commitment when you say those three words to a romantic partner?

 

[Servant68]

Your post is pretty impactful to me in more than a few ways...

It's nearly three in the morning here and I've been binge watching Netflix while drinking a wonderful red wine... But I'll try to be clear and as honest as I can.

I don't know if I've ever truly been in love. And I've been engaged three times and married once...

I know I love the idea of being in love. I know I've been in lust. I know I have found someone I can live with, and I married her.

But I don't think I've ever really truly loved a woman.

Well, maybe once when I was 13 and there was a girl who was 3 years older than me who boarded her horse at my parent's ranch. We went riding together every day for years.

She was a sweet Christian girl and I think I did really love her. Only because of how I was able to let her go and wish her nothing but happiness when she wed someone else a few years later. I still remember the absolute pain deep in my soul when I found out she was engaged. I still remember being in the shower at age 17 and just bawling thinking about her getting married.

I know I didn't love my wife. She was the first Christian I'd dated after a string of dysfunctional but hot girls who ended up cheating on me and at the time, she was the best woman I'd dated.

Around the time of our divorce, she told me that she knew I had never truly loved her, but that I was a good man and husband, and wasn't sure if I was capable of loving anyone since she didn't think I really loved myself.

Her words cut pretty deep. I have sought counsel from friends and professionals who have assured me that I am indeed capable of real love. They offer examples of self-sacrifice for my children and family as proof. But since it has been over 30 years since I have actually been in love, I can't say with absolute certainty that I can love again. Of course I love my children. And my family. And God. I love the Truth. And therefore I love God, who is the author of Truth.

But romantic love? I have told women/girls before I married that I loved them when I didn't. I didn't know that I didn't love them, but nevertheless, I told them that I did when I didn't. I wanted to. But didn't.

Since my failed marriage? I have not told anyone that I loved them. My last girlfriend said she loved me and I refused to say the words. I will not lie again.

I have too much respect for real love to ever utter the words, "I love you" without it being the absolute truth.

I can understand how wonderful it felt to hear someone say that to you; I felt the same way a few months ago. It is intoxicating and uplifting to know that we have that kind of effect on another human being.

But it is also a great responsibility to be able to recognize when those utterances of a deeply impactful statement are not real, or are not fully understood and appreciated by those who utter them.

Kudos to you for recognizing the truth and emotion behind the words and guarding your own heart against them.

 

[ivanpetrov]

I never said this to girl. I will if she is 100% perfect.

 

[Servant68]

I never said this to girl. I will if she is 100% perfect.

Well, good luck with that...

 

[MustardSeeed]

I never said this to girl. I will if she is 100% perfect.

Then you'll never say it at all. No one is 100% perfect. Unless if course you mean perfect in your own type of way

Have you ever told someone you loved them in a romantic way? and how easily do you say it? Does it mean that you just really like them, like how you feel at that moment, or that you really are considering a life long commitment when you say those three words to a romantic partner?

I never have, I don't easily say those specific 3 words but I believe there's other ways that could get the point across without you even noticing like "did you eat today", "have a great day at work", "don't forget your seatbelt" type things

If someone is brave enough to say I love you I'm sure that means life long

 

[blackribbon]

I never said this to girl. I will if she is 100% perfect.

Then you will never say it. I am glad that I have had men love me in my imperfections.

I married my husband because I never could figure out the reason that he loved me. He simply loved me. It wasn't always easy but I never doubted it...not once in the 16 years we were married...and he gave me the gift of making sure I really knew it before he died. He didn't live long after the second diagnoses of cancer but we were together almost constantly and had some heart to hearts that were very real. One of my last memories of him was how he would just look at me so gently when I put on his socks and slippers each day (his feet hurt so much this was one of the painful activities I had to do for him...I believe it was a result of the radiation to his central nervous system, though it could have been the cancer itself).

I am looking for someone who loves me in spite of my flaws and someone I can love just as unconditionally again.

 

[blackribbon]

If someone is brave enough to say I love you I'm sure that means life long

Some people say it because they think they feel it (they are in love with the sensation of being in love)...and some say it just to get what they want. Like Servant, they may really want to mean it so it isn't necessarily deceptive or manipulative.

I don't think it is real love until you can really see the other person's flaws and shortcomings and love them anyway. Not with plans to change them but really just accept them as they are.

I would have gladly traded places with my husband and taken all the radiation and chemo for him, but in the end, I think I really had the hardest job in being the one that had to say good-bye and be left behind to go it alone.

 

[dayhiker]

Most of my life it was very hard to say, I love you to any one.

My wife for 28 years I said I love you to a few times. It wasn't love when I first decided to date and marry her. She was easy to be with and had the qualities I was looking for in a wife. I really hated it when we separated. I had grown to love her deeply over the years. Still find myself dreaming of her.

Since then I've been saying to ladies that call GFs that I love them. I have been intentionally broadening my definition of love. I noticed that my kids would say they love many of their friends at times. That felt good to me. I once did a study of agape and how its used in the OT Greek LXX translation. Agape was used in many context just as our society tends to use love in many contexts. So since I really want to love people as God loves them I try to say I love you more than I used to. Still find I don't say it that often.

I have one exGF who I see often, talk on the phone to and go out to dinner or dancing with sometimes. She often says she loves me and I tell her I love her as well.

So I guess love can mean a lot of things depending on the context. But its people we want to be around, to help in some way that we love and hopefully we can learn to say we love them.

 

[MustardSeeed]

Some people say it because they think they feel it (they are in love with the sensation of being in love)...and some say it just to get what they want. Like Servant, they may really want to mean it so it isn't necessarily deceptive or manipulative.

Ahhhh I see what you're saying. So the question is ... does he love you? Well probably, but is he "in love" with you - which in my experience, is something different

I don't think it is real love until you can really see the other person's flaws and shortcomings and love them anyway. Not with plans to change them but really just accept them as they are.

10/10 agree!!!!! Couldn't have said it better myself. Try farting around him and see what happens LOL

I would have gladly traded places with my husband and taken all the radiation and chemo for him, but in the end, I think I really had the hardest job in being the one that had to say good-bye and be left behind to go it alone.

I'm sorry I can't imagine losing someone I love that much. I hope things go well with this new possible relationship

 

[blackribbon]

I have really loved two men in my life. One I was engaged to and ended. It was the right decision for the moment. I never could quite figure out if he loved me or loved being in love. His mother didn't like me and was very passive-aggressive. I wasn't strong enough to extend the engagement and give it a chance to either grow or die naturally. There are some regrets here but they end when I realize that would have meant not marrying the man I did marry.

I have loved a couple other men but I recognized that it was not enough to marry them. They deserved more and luckily all found it.

 

[blackribbon]

10/10 agree!!!!! Couldn't have said it better myself. Try farting around him and see what happens LOL

No, what I saw was genuine. He meant it and that is what knocked me for a loop. But like I said, he isn't in a position to marry at this time or commit to anyone. (Not mine to elaborate on so just trust me here). I refuse to explore my own feelings further unless things change because it doesn't matter. I don't know if I believe he can love on the level I expect ... and there are things that I know about him that make me not sure that I could love him on the level I would need to. We are very different people. I love him dearly as a friend and that is where I am drawing my line right now.

However, the quiet exchange has me pondering love and what all I expect. Especially after I have started to realize how few married people seem to love each other at my age.

 

[blackribbon]

Most of my life it was very hard to say, I love you to any one.

My wife for 28 years I said I love you to a few times. It wasn't love when I first decided to date and marry her. She was easy to be with and had the qualities I was looking for in a wife. I really hated it when we separated. I had grown to love her deeply over the years. Still find myself dreaming of her.

Since then I've been saying to ladies that call GFs that I love them. I have been intentionally broadening my definition of love. I noticed that my kids would say they love many of their friends at times. That felt good to me. I once did a study of agape and how its used in the OT Greek LXX translation. Agape was used in many context just as our society tends to use love in many contexts. So since I really want to love people as God loves them I try to say I love you more than I used to. Still find I don't say it that often.

I have one exGF who I see often, talk on the phone to and go out to dinner or dancing with sometimes. She often says she loves me and I tell her I love her as well.

So I guess love can mean a lot of things depending on the context. But its people we want to be around, to help in some way that we love and hopefully we can learn to say we love them.

Because the English language only has one word for love, I think we need to be careful to understand how those around us mean it to mean. If a man says he loves a woman meaning romantic love-"I want to marry you love", I think it is cruel for her to say "I love you" back if her only intention is "I love you as a friend or I love you for how you make me feel but I don't see a life time with you"...at least without clarification. Part of love is honesty and you can lie using the words "I love you" by meaning a different meaning than the recipient believes to hear them.

 

[ivanpetrov]

Then you'll never say it at all. No one is 100% perfect. Unless if course you mean perfect in your own type of way



I never have, I don't easily say those specific 3 words but I believe there's other ways that could get the point across without you even noticing like "did you eat today", "have a great day at work", "don't forget your seatbelt" type things

If someone is brave enough to say I love you I'm sure that means life long

I mean she to be same like me. Which mean she is perfect for me.
I believe God created a spouse for every person. But we must do His will to give it to us. Like Eve for Adam.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't think it is even 100% perfect for you. You love them "in spite" not "because". I got married thinking that this was either the best decision of my life or the worst but I realized that I didn't want to live without him and was willing to do what it took to make that happen. I was 100% sure I loved him....but I was not 100% sure we had any business being married. For me, I care deeply about people fairly easily but I don't love that freely. It actually took me 8 years from the time I first realized I loved him (scared me to death and he felt the same way so we just went our own ways)...until I finally said "I do". I think he figured it out sooner than I did but didn't think I'd ever feel the same way...and yet time kept bringing us back together until I just couldn't face losing him from my life again.

 

[Galatea]

I think it was unkind of your friend to tell you he loves you in a romantic way if he is in no position to do anything about it. If he loves you more than himself, knowing he can not act on it, he would not have said the words. He has sort of burdened you with this knowledge, now.

I don't know your situation, but it seems he loves himself more as he felt the need to unburden himself and make you bear part of the load.

I have only ever told one man that I love him. I don't think love is something to bandy around- not romantic love, because it is exclusive. I tell other people I love them, family members, students, etc. But those types of love are not exclusive.

I would not say it if I did not mean it wholeheartedly.

I think you are wise not to settle for anything less than the kind of love you had for your late husband and the love he had for you. I like reading your posts about him, you were blessed.

 

[dayhiker]

Interesting the different perspective we all have on love.
I know one lady I see ever few months. If we get time to talk any length of time she tells me she loves me. But we both know that neither of us are interested in changing out life in a way that would mean we could become a couple. But I still like that she tells me she loves me. I tell her I love her as well.

 

[blackribbon]

I think it was unkind of your friend to tell you he loves you in a romantic way if he is in no position to do anything about it. If he loves you more than himself, knowing he can not act on it, he would not have said the words. He has sort of burdened you with this knowledge, now.

I don't know your situation, but it seems he loves himself more as he felt the need to unburden himself and make you bear part of the load.

I have only ever told one man that I love him. I don't think love is something to bandy around- not romantic love, because it is exclusive. I tell other people I love them, family members, students, etc. But those types of love are not exclusive.

I would not say it if I did not mean it wholeheartedly.

I think you are wise not to settle for anything less than the kind of love you had for your late husband and the love he had for you. I like reading your posts about him, you were blessed.

Sometime you just have to tell someone how you feel. Loving someone isn't any different. I don't feel burdened per se because I think I already kind of suspected it and just didn't expect to actually hear it. It wasn't a planned declaration by any means. It is just information that I don't know what to do with. At this time I have opted to act like it was a statement no more revealing than "I think I am hungry". I am hoping that he also feels like it was a "mistake" of sorts and we just forget he said it. The good thing is his situation also limits how often we see each other in person lately too.

And Servant is right. Even when I knew it wasn't an appropriate time or place, it really is nice to have someone that you care about say they love you outloud. Maybe as a society we are too stingy with our "I love you" to friends and family. I do tell my kids that I love them everytime we are on the phone together. I try to do it in person as much as possible and continue daddy's tradition.

 

[blackribbon]

I really was lucky to have had this man (my husband) in my life....even if he had to leave us early. I came from a broken home and really didn't trust love very much when I first got married. I learned to love from him. I have a lot of love left to give and hope that someday, I will be given someone to share it with. In the meantime, I try to just love on the rest of the people God puts in my life. Being a nurse, I get plenty of opportunities to offer up love to strangers who often need a little bit of general compassion.

 

[Galatea]

Sometime you just have to tell someone how you feel. Loving someone isn't any different. I don't feel burdened per se because I think I already kind of suspected it and just didn't expect to actually hear it. It wasn't a planned declaration by any means. It is just information that I don't know what to do with. At this time I have opted to act like it was a statement no more revealing than "I think I am hungry". I am hoping that he also feels like it was a "mistake" of sorts and we just forget he said it. The good thing is his situation also limits how often we see each other in person lately too.

And Servant is right. Even when I knew it wasn't an appropriate time or place, it really is nice to have someone that you care about say they love you outloud. Maybe as a society we are too stingy with our "I love you" to friends and family. I do tell my kids that I love them everytime we are on the phone together. I try to do it in person as much as possible and continue daddy's tradition.

I know what you mean. I remember listening to Elisabeth Elliott on the radio years ago, and she said that men ought not to tell women they love them unless they follow it up with a marriage proposal.

She talked about when she and Jim were both in college, dating. At the time, she was called to the mission field in Africa, while he was called to the mission field in South America. He told her he loved her, but did not ask to marry her as they were going to different continents. She talked about how much pain it caused her between the time he declared his love for her and the time he asked her to marry him. Here was a man she was convinced she may never see again, telling her he loved her, and there was nothing she could do about it. Fortunately, he asked her to marry him and go to South America with him.

But I could see what she meant about men being careful about not declaring love without asking for marriage.

I think saying "I love you" probably should be done more often with family and friends, but I really believe telling someone you love them romantically should be exceedingly rare.

 

[blackribbon]

I wouldn't want the first time I heard a man say he loved me to be immediately followed by a wedding proposal. That is too much information to process and one time...especially if the woman isn't aware or isn't going at the same speed as the man. I think the " I love you"s are the starting to point to consider whether or not you believe you are ready for marriage...not the ending points.

Your example kind of makes it seem like the ache of love would have been less if it had been accompanied by a wedding proposal. It wouldn't have. Military men go off and leave sweethearts and wives behind. They don't know if they are coming back again. Heck, a wife of a police officer wonders daily as she kisses her husband good bye before each shift. There is nothing she could have done differently if he had proposed before he left and yes, it would have ached as bad. It would have ached just as bad if they were actually married...and again, no promise that she would ever have seen him again. I think he was wise for clarifying his feelings for he before he left so she understood that he considered their relationship serious so she had time to consider what she felt and decide if she was going to date while he was gone or commit to the relationship while he was gone. I personally think it would have been crueler to go off and just left her wondering if they were on the same page or not.