"I Love You"...

[Downshift]

There was a topic on here months ago that I think was asking how often you tell your SO you love them.

I posted saying that I've never said it.

I've only had 3 serious relationships.
The first was for 3 or 4 months of the summer when I was 19, the other was still my most significant that lasted 9 months in when I was 21, then the most recent lasted about 9 months with the girl I posted about on here.

Now out of all these, I've never told the girl, "I love you".
I've never had that strong "emotional rush" where at one point she was everything to me and I was sure she was the person I cared most about in the world.

I'm wondering, would you call this a problem?
I'm 99% sure that my most recent ex is now in a long distance relationship with the guy she went to TN to visit right after we broke up.
Within a week of her coming back from that trip, her facebook page was filled with "I love you baby! text me when you wake up! ", and "Haha, ok ttyl! I love you, smooooooches! lol"

My personal opinion on that?
*GAG*
I thought, "Wow what a tool. There's no way she's buying any of this shameless driveling."

In my opinion, you can't know you love someone after spending just a few days with them; he's just saying it because this is type of guy who will call a girl 40 times a day asking how she is and saying he loves her.

I AM NOT like that.
I'm not a mushy, shameless showerer of emotion, money, terms of endearment and gifts.
I dont think I could ever send a mushy message like that and still have respect for myself.
I also kinda feel like I'd be disrespecting her as a woman also; almost like, if I was her I wouldnt want to hear or expect to hear that from me.
I dont know...

Now I know it's probly not healthy to be dwelling on my ex's relationships, but it's my only frame of reference right now.
I'm trying to focus on this and figure it out for my own future relationships.


That first girl from when I was 19 said she loved me once, and I didnt say it back.
She never said it again, but we didnt start to slip because of that.
It didnt seem to affect anything except we never said it.

What I want to know is, is this a problem?
Have I been breaking the hearts of these girls the entire time I was dating them?
Had they all been hoping to eventually hear it?
Would they have known that I was just too... prideful to say it or would they have thought they werent good enough?

Like I had said in that other topic, I'm not going to say it unless it REALLY feels true to me.
I know guys that always just say it either because they felt it's just what they're "supposed" to do when they're dating someone, or because it's just what the girl wants to hear.

I was talking to one of my friends about this and I asked how could it have been true with any of my exes when we're not together anymore?
She said, "Well couldnt it have been true at the time?"
I told her that just because you have initial spark of infatuation or whatever you wanna call it, doesnt mean it's love.

Another of my friends was saying there are varying degrees of "love", similar to saying you love your TV vs. loving your mother.
He said that the initial infatuation that I mentioned is just a lesser level of love, but love irregardless.
He said, "Well what else you call it?
Then that were is that love where you grab her arm, look deep in her eyes, wait for her to focus on you so you see her soul through her eyes and speak to her heart so she KNOWS, "I love you."

Thinking of that, the lyrics to Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" comes to mind:
" Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough."

Like we as a dating society or something have diluted the L word down to where it can mean just that initial infatuation.


So what do you guys think?
Have I not been saying it when I should have because I'm too prideful?
Does it not make or break a relationship so I should keep waiting to say it until I find the girl I'm 100% sure that God has in store for me?

What are you opinions on this?

 

[Bootstrap]

Hi Downshift,

When I was your age I thought I was as logical as you think you are, and that emotional people just didn't get it. Over the years, I've learned that I was never as logical as I thought I was, that I was deluding myself, but that's OK, because logic is a very limited part of what it means to be human. So some of these emotional women that get on your nerves may have a lot to teach you, I think.

That said, saying "I love you" carelessly is not a good thing. On the other hand, if she's expressing love, and doesn't feel it coming back, nothing is building in your relationship, it's a kind of rejection. The first week? No. But if you've been dating for 3-6 months, and you don't think you love her, why are you still dating her?

 

[waxlion10]

My boyfriend informed me before we started dating that he didn't intend to tell a girl he loved her until he knew he wanted to marry her. I had a choice: was this personal conviction he felt at that time, age 17, a "make it or break it" for me?

I decided I respected his decision and supported it, and once we started dating, I would abide by it. We expressed our feelings in other ways, such as, "You mean the world to me," "I care about you so much," or "I am so blessed to be your girlfriend/boyfriend." after two years, when we finally said "I love you," we knew we really, really meant it, and we knew we defined love as very sincere, committed, devoted, etc.

I think it was great that we talked about it ahead of time. Perhaps you could consider doing this with your future girlfriend, whomever she may be

It's so important to be on the same page with this issue. I'd suggest just talking about it with a future partner if you feel that strongly about it.

 

[Luther073082]

I love you is a sense of committment to that person. And I agree with bootstrap on this, if you've been dating for several months and you don't love her. Then really you shouldn't be dating her.

I love you does not necessarily consitute an "emotional rush". You are stating an emotional bond to that person. I don't always get some super huge emotional rush every time I tell my fiancee that I love her. I tell her that because I want her to know and be reminded, and feel secure in what I feel about her.

 

[mustang333]

I don't think that you really have a problem. Sure you could learn to be less logical and follow your feelings a bit more, but it seems like in your past relationships you were just being your genuine self. If a girl is telling you she loves you and you don't feel the same then that's a problem, though it could be a compatibility problem and doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you.

 

[NotHardcore]

I wouldn't be able to date a guy who would not/could not tell me he loved me...but I also wouldn't bother entering into a relationship unless I could see myself marrying the guy and he could see himself marrying me.

My boyfriend said "I love you" two days after we met in person and decided to become a couple (we had met online a few days before). I said it right back. We meant what we said and we're very happy that we said it early.

I suppose it depends on the girl...some would probably be fine with you...others would be disappointed.

 

[latteda]

I don't think you have a problem, but it's possible that you could at some point carry it to an extreme unless you're careful. I think there's a lot of wisdom in not throwing the term around carelessly. As far as how long you should go before saying it, that is going to be different for everyone and every couple.

I actually said it before my boyfriend, and that was fine for us. I think it was about three months in when I said it, and it just slipped out. It took him about five months. I was fine with him not saying it until he knew he was ready. It made it that much more special to me, because I knew it was very sincere. I think at that point, we both figured our relationship was headed towards marriage but we certainly weren't ready to make a commitment to marriage...but we both definitely loved each other and wanted to express that.

I think that as long as you watch yourself and make sure you're not holding back from saying it when you DO mean it, you'll be ok. Just make sure the girl you're with is confident in the relationship without needing to hear it. Not all girls are. You might also want to make sure that you are open to the thought of falling in love and of needing someone...that can be difficult if you're an independent person. You should be able to find a woman who will appreciate you for the way you view this issue and will consider it that much more special when you actually do say it to her.

 

[Downshift]

One of my friends asked exactly what type of love I'm waiting for, if I actually expect to see fireworks or something.

I've met girls that I know I could fall in love with, but I've been rejected each time.
Love has to be mutual.
With my ex from 2006, we also dated for 9 months but I was pretty much a typical 21 year old kid going thru the motions of just having a girlfriend.
With my last ex, there were times when I thought I loved her, but they were short lived; times that I felt extremely close to her, but they were just certain facets of her that I loved at the time, not her.
Like when she'd do that [PG-13] thing in bed, or when she brought me the new CD of the band we liked on it's release date and a Wendy's Frosty one day.
Or even nights we'd whisper to each other for hours on end sharing common experiences and growing so close.
But then two days later I'd hear about her getting wasted at a party I wasnt invited to or told about and puking all over the side of our friend's car, then lie to me about it.
Then all those feelings would be gone right away along with respect.
That's so messed up of me, but it's all emotional; I didnt like it, but also didnt have any logical control over it.
That's how I know I didnt love her then.
Had I loved her, hearing about that crap wouldnt bother me and I wouldnt think any less of her.
In my opinion, love is unconditional.
I know I have unconditional love for my sisters.
If one of them did that I wouldnt love them any less; it wouldnt matter.
I love who they are at their core.
Unconditionally.

My other friend had said, I loved who I wanted my ex to be, not who she really was.
It lasted 9 months because she also wanted to be who I wanted to be, and strived for it, but why?
Because she thought if she became that person I would finally say it?
No.
My love for her would have been conditional.
That's not really love and it's not fair to her.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that what I'm waiting for is an affection for a girl that transcends any of her faults; unconditional.
An underlying love that would remain no matter what she did or what happened.
I dont see how it could work any other way.

 

[Bootstrap]

Or even nights we'd whisper to each other for hours on end sharing common experiences and growing so close.
But then two days later I'd hear about her getting wasted at a party I wasnt invited to or told about and puking all over the side of our friend's car, then lie to me about it.
Then all those feelings would be gone right away along with respect.
That's so messed up of me, but it's all emotional; I didnt like it, but also didnt have any logical control over it.
That's how I know I didnt love her then.
Had I loved her, hearing about that crap wouldnt bother me and I wouldnt think any less of her.
In my opinion, love is unconditional.
I know I have unconditional love for my sisters.
If one of them did that I wouldnt love them any less; it wouldnt matter.
I love who they are at their core.
Unconditionally.

I think you're confusing "love" with "love", or at least with "trust".

If you get married, you are entrusting everything that is most important to you to another person. You need some really solid evidence that this person is trustworthy. If you have that, you can afford to let your romantic feelings take over.

That's different from the kind of unconditional service love that does not need to respect the other person or trust them in order to love.

Few of us are called to play the role of Hosea, and it doesn't always work out well for those who try to. It really does not sound like you can trust her with your life.

 

[Downshift]

Bootstrap, you current mood shows "IN LOVE", yet your profile doesnt show that you're married.

How do you know you're in love?

 

[Bootstrap]

Bootstrap, you current mood shows "IN LOVE", yet your profile doesn't show that you're married.

Keep an eye on my marital status over the next few weeks ;->

How do you know you're in love?

People experience their feelings in different ways (see http://www.christianforums.com/t7344407/). I keep thinking about her and it makes me smile, I want to be with her, I am just so happy when I'm with her, when I kiss her it can be so overwhelming, I have a hard time falling asleep because I wish I were with her ...

But I think "in love" is something that only happens for me when other things are in place. I have to feel safe to fall in love. I need to see things like these:

• Do you to a good job of tending to each other and caring for each other? Can you each both give and receive caring in this relationship?
• Is there chemistry? Do you long for the next time you can kiss?
• Do you know how to work well together in the ways needed to care for a home and a family?
• Do you want other people to identify you with this other person?
• Do you respect this other person's opinion and the way they live?
• Do you like the way this person relates to other people?
• Can you trust this person with everything you are?
• Can you work through disagreements in love?
• Are your lives pulling in the same direction or different directions?

I think you can start to answer these questions reasonably early in a relationship. If you're getting the wrong answers, move on. There's nothing wrong with dating a bunch of people casually to get a feeling for what you're looking for in a woman, your own romantic and sexual feelings (keep in safe territory!), and what's important to you in a wife. I don't think you can do that by reading books. I had been married previously, so this time I dated several women at the same time at first, because I was not ready to commit, and I didn't know my mind and my heart yet - I was open about it with them.

I got to the point that I really wanted to be with my fiancee, and I just didn't feel like dating other women. I went on a camping trip with a group of people, including one particularly attractive and interesting woman, and found I just didn't want to explore things with her. My heart was beginning to tell me something.

If you're like me, and things are checking out, you're very likely to find yourself falling wildly and helplessly in love. If that happens, keep checking the list to be sure.

 

[latteda]

But I think "in love" is something that only happens for me when other things are in place. I have to feel safe to fall in love. I need to see things like these:

• Do you to a good job of tending to each other and caring for each other? Can you each both give and receive caring in this relationship?
• Is there chemistry? Do you long for the next time you can kiss?
• Do you know how to work well together in the ways needed to care for a home and a family?
• Do you want other people to identify you with this other person?
• Do you respect this other person's opinion and the way they live?
• Do you like the way this person relates to other people?
• Can you trust this person with everything you are?
• Can you work through disagreements in love?
• Are your lives pulling in the same direction or different directions?

I think you can start to answer these questions reasonably early in a relationship. If you're getting the wrong answers, move on.

If you're like me, and things are checking out, you're very likely to find yourself falling wildly and helplessly in love. If that happens, keep checking the list to be sure.

This post is golden. I agree wholeheartedly.

 

[Downshift]

That's a great list.
I can see at least 3 of those that I would have answered "no" to with my past exes.