My wife and all eight of my children were killed by someone I thought was my friend. I knew he was depressed, but I never saw any signs of psychosis in him. Then suddenly it all fell apart. I can't get into detail about how I was tied up and forced to watch or how it only took about twenty minutes for everyone I loved to die. I wish I could because there's so much that is wrong about all of that. But I can't. Nor can I describe my hysteria when the police showed up in time to save me... and no one else.
It was, needless to say, the coldest December ever.
Now everything is numb. Everything is cold and numb, empty. Devoid of meaning, life is now a series of motions I do simply because the motions take my mind off the fact that everything has come crashing down. Nothing is left for me. Every day is a struggle.
I come home and Kisa, my wife, isn't there to tell me I have a smudge on my suit. The kids aren't there anymore; no Konna and Danni to tell me about their day in preschool, no fighting between Allan and Thom and Jhon to break up. No Sabriel and Tybriel to shout out their newest learned word or get into the cabinets behind my and Kisa's back. And like clockwork, the second Kisa wasn't looking, Ro would wake up and scream like a little, girly banshee.
I moved into an apartment to get away from the memories, but some days I still feel like I expect them all to be there, like I'll wake up and this will be a horrible dream and the kids will be there to wake me up in the most irritating fashion imaginable.
I barely have the strength to face the day. Nothing has meaning without them. I no longer find anything funny or smile. What's wrong with me? So many times I dream nightmares, Konna and Danni screaming for my help; Kisa screaming 'Not my children!'; Ro looking at me with her mother's eyes as... I can't feel anything after seeing these things. I cannot feel, I cannot do anything but the simple motions of living, and I cannot even be depressed because I'm too broken.
Everything is meaningless now. I am a logical person. I know, logically, Kisa would never have wanted me to be this withdrawn. I know I should make some effort to heal. But I'm devoid of energy and motivation to do anything more than work, drink, sleep, and repeat as the days march by without distinction from one another.
I think I may have lost my sanity. And I can't even care because nothing matters because Kisa, Konna, Danni, Allan, Thom, Jhon, Sabriel, Tybriel, and Ro aren't here with me and without them life is a chore.
It was, needless to say, the coldest December ever.
Now everything is numb. Everything is cold and numb, empty. Devoid of meaning, life is now a series of motions I do simply because the motions take my mind off the fact that everything has come crashing down. Nothing is left for me. Every day is a struggle.
I come home and Kisa, my wife, isn't there to tell me I have a smudge on my suit. The kids aren't there anymore; no Konna and Danni to tell me about their day in preschool, no fighting between Allan and Thom and Jhon to break up. No Sabriel and Tybriel to shout out their newest learned word or get into the cabinets behind my and Kisa's back. And like clockwork, the second Kisa wasn't looking, Ro would wake up and scream like a little, girly banshee.
I moved into an apartment to get away from the memories, but some days I still feel like I expect them all to be there, like I'll wake up and this will be a horrible dream and the kids will be there to wake me up in the most irritating fashion imaginable.
I barely have the strength to face the day. Nothing has meaning without them. I no longer find anything funny or smile. What's wrong with me? So many times I dream nightmares, Konna and Danni screaming for my help; Kisa screaming 'Not my children!'; Ro looking at me with her mother's eyes as... I can't feel anything after seeing these things. I cannot feel, I cannot do anything but the simple motions of living, and I cannot even be depressed because I'm too broken.
Everything is meaningless now. I am a logical person. I know, logically, Kisa would never have wanted me to be this withdrawn. I know I should make some effort to heal. But I'm devoid of energy and motivation to do anything more than work, drink, sleep, and repeat as the days march by without distinction from one another.
I think I may have lost my sanity. And I can't even care because nothing matters because Kisa, Konna, Danni, Allan, Thom, Jhon, Sabriel, Tybriel, and Ro aren't here with me and without them life is a chore.
when you are grieving, what do you do to give it an outlett and meaning? some people make memory books, art, or write. do you have support from your community? ~ love and prayers, dee
