I just don't understand

[Nancy333]

I have read this forum a few times recently, but I just don't understand my feelings. I lost my husband this past June to Cancer. At first I couldn't hide my feelings, everything would just pour out. Nowdays, I pre-occupy myself by trying to help others in my church, my family etc.. I guess you could say I've been tear free for awhile now. Yet at the sametime, I find it hard to talk about him (unless it's something funny), and when I think about him all I see is what appears to be vague memories. I'm worried about the future and what it might bring for our family and most importantly I'm terrified of losing him forever. Like out of sight, out of mind. Something else I don't understand is when will the grieving stop? Anyone have any step-by-step answers for me? Thanks just for reading my blubber, guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Nancy, no one is going to have any true step by step answers for you. Everyone's grieving is similar and different. I lost my husband to cancer in March. In the beginning, all I could think about was the bad stuff. Then when I started thinking of some of the good stuff, it seemed to hurt worse - the sweeter the memory, the more painful it was. During the time he was dying, I was trying to take care of him and keep our 2 businesses going. After he died, I was in the process of selling everything, things getting repossessed, creditors hounding, etc. I keep thinking that I must be doing this (grieving) wrong, because everything is so complicated, so backwards, so different than I thought it would be. I always heard that there wasn't any wrong way to grieve, but it certainly seems sometimes as though I have found a way to do it incorrectly. No one tells you that it will be complex and irregular, and confusing. The only thing that matters is what happens in your relationship with Jesus through the entire process. You will find that if you have never been completely honest with Him, you certainly are now. There is a sweetness to my love for Jesus that wasn't there before. There is a sadness in joy and a joyfulness in sadness neither of which I can explain, but it feels more real than anything else ever has in my life. Take all your fears to Him. Sometimes, everything may seem impossible, but it isn't.
Just each day put one foot in front of the other and know that even in this, God is ordering your steps. I don't know if any of what I have said will help you or even make any sense. I'm praying for you. Pilgrim

 

[Nancy333]

I have been feeling closer to Jesus more than ever before in my life. Through him the only anger I ever felt (which was minimal) was at the Cancer. My main concern is that I might forget things about my husband. It seems like with each passing day, he gets just a little further away. I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not. But for instance when I try to remember his long hair, the first flashes are of this last year after he shaved his head. I'm afraid of eventually losing him altogether. Sorry for my self-absorbed ramblings, I'm just scared is all.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Nancy333,
I know at this time it seems frightening. I think our emotional pendalem swings pretty wide to each side along this road of "recovery", before it finally settles into "normal" again. You know in our everyday lives, that pendalem swings also, it's just this time it really got banged around and it will take time to settle. Pilgrim is correct about the most important part. Hold to Jesus's unchanging hand and ALWAYS remember that God is in control. In my experience, I've found that my memories fade and brighten. There are some things about my Ginger that come rushing into my mind, and I think to myself "I had forgotten about that". Just yesterday I could smell her hair like she was right next to me. It felt so wonderful, then I had to have a crying spell. Hang in there, I'm praying for you!!

 

[Nancy333]

I have wonderful memories, but at times it feels as though their slipping away. I wear his wedding ring close to my heart, which makes me feel closer to him. I guess this is just something that I'll have to ride out. Thank you so much for your kind support. One thing though, that really bugs me is the word "Widow". I consider myself married. That's just my thing though. Again, thank you so much.

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Immediately after my husband died, the only images I could get in my mind of him were of him dying, or the way he looked at the last. I found a picture of him that was one of my favorites and I carried with me everywhere. I took it to bed with me, I carried it with me throughout the house. Whenever, the images would come up in my mind (especially after I went to bed), I would look at that picture. The first few days I must have looked at it a thousand times a day. Soon, the image in the photo began to replace the other. It's a mind trick, but it worked. I still occasionally have to do something similar.

 

[Nancy333]

My husband was in ICU when he passed away and we chose not to watch him go. We (my family) waited until they were through. When I saw him he wasn't hooked up to any machines or anything, but he just appeared to be as if her were sleeping. I touched his and it started to slip off the bed. About all I could do was just hold his hand, put my head on his chest and for some odd reason, I was hoping to hear his heartbeat. The main image I see is that, especially when his hand slid. It's just so vivid as if it's happening all over again. I have tried looking at pictures and they help, yet at the sametime it's like those memories were in a previous life. It's just so hard for me to distinguish between the two, I guess. Does that make any sense?

 

[Pilgrim1951]

That absolutely makes sense. I guess the reason the picture worked for me was because it had to for my sanity. My husband's death was really bad, and I was the only one there with him. He died at home, I was his caregiver. I held him in my arms while he died. God was merciful, and allowed the one image to cover over the other. I still remember everything about his death, but because of time, there is a little distance somehow. I still have to make myself stop thinking about it when it starts to creep in on me.

 

[Nancy333]

How can you be so strong? It hasn't been that long for you either. I keep praying for strength, but I think God is just waiting for the appropriate time to answer that prayer. I keep thinking about our upcoming anniversery (26 years in Nov) and the holidays as well. I'm terrified of the coming months ahead.

 

[Hisbygrace]

I agree the sweeter the memory the more painful it is. And yes we do all go through the same grief only sometimes at different paces. There is no step by step answer. Only time heals all. I had the same fears as you about losing him forever, but I haven't and it has been 4 years now. I still keep his picture on my desk and I still talk to him, for I know he is with me in spirit. As time passes through the grace of God things will become easier for you. I have found that it helped me to talk about him with my children. To remember the good times no matter how it hurts. Tears are good sometimes they wash away the pain.

 

[Nancy333]

Well, I had a recent memory of him today ( a very nice one), and for some reason the waterworks started all over again. I was feeling so low and misrable (sp?), when my youngest daughter totally surprised me. She had a really tough day at school as well and came home all cheery and in a good mood. I feel so much better now. I know this sounds like a blog entry but I just wanted to share this with you. I feel God has truelly blessed me today.

 

[c1ners]

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain right now. What helps me to keep my memory alive of my late husband is writting a blog about him in the memorals section of CF. Or if you don't want people reading it just jot down things on a daily basis in a journal.

It's hard, and I'd like to say that it gets easier, but in my case, it hasn't. Just lean on God in the trying times, and he will get you through.

 

[Nancy333]

I think I might try doing that, I just hope that it helps. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. But, what do you do when your friends have left and you don't have any left? I have my family and they are wonderful. But, it would just be nice to have someone stop by just to say hi. I knew that this is to be expected but it still hurts nonetheless. You know what I mean?

 

[c1ners]

I think I might try doing that, I just hope that it helps. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. But, what do you do when your friends have left and you don't have any left? I have my family and they are wonderful. But, it would just be nice to have someone stop by just to say hi. I knew that this is to be expected but it still hurts nonetheless. You know what I mean?

Yes, I do know what you mean. We had just moved back here to this state, so we hadn't made many friends yet. The only friends I had were really his friends, and just my acquintances. When he died I only had my famiily, and they weren't very supportive. They were in their own way, but they just wanted me to get over it and go on with my life. So I pretended.

I never got sympathy or hugs. My family expected me to be tough and go on with life. His family just never talks about it. Almost like he never existed.

So instead I write, and I cry. Because even after all this time I still miss him more than anyone will ever know. He was my life, and even tho his been gone now for over nineteen years I still feel like a part of me is missing. The best part. The happy part. But life goes on, and there has to be a reason. Maybe one day I'll understand.

I'm sorry, I'm just rambling on like this is my thread. Start a journal. That helps. Write down in it how you remember him. I have a picture of my Danny taped to my work computer, in my wallet, in the glove compartment of my car, under my bed. Just every where. That way if I think I'm forgetting something about him, I take out the picture so I can remember. But from what others tell me...it may be better to forget. It doesn't hurt as bad that way.

Blessings to you sister. May God give you peace, happiness, and joy.

 

[JeanR]

My husband died suddenly on October 9th. I left him at 7 pm after eating dinner at a restaurant. He was heading home with our son and I was heading to church for a committee meeting. He joked with our kids when he got home and then sat down with his laptop on the sofa. His heart just stopped. The EMT's said he never felt a thing and never knew what happened. I'm glad we had dinner together and the last thing he said to me was that he would see me in the morning since he would be asleep when I got home. It's hard reconciling having dinner with him at 7 and his dying 20 minutes later. It's so hard because I never had the chance to say goodbye.

 

[pauldst]

Immediately after my husband died, the only images I could get in my mind of him were of him dying, or the way he looked at the last. I found a picture of him that was one of my favorites and I carried with me everywhere. I took it to bed with me, I carried it with me throughout the house. Whenever, the images would come up in my mind (especially after I went to bed), I would look at that picture. The first few days I must have looked at it a thousand times a day. Soon, the image in the photo began to replace the other. It's a mind trick, but it worked. I still occasionally have to do something similar.

Pilgrim, I'm sorry that I missed this thread earlier. My wife, also, died at home, with me. I, too had a hard time with the memories of the end (and still don't want to think about it, and probably won't for a long time. And I came up with the same solution, keeping picture as of her with me, on the sofa next to me, on the bed, wherever. It has helped so much since she looked so different at the end. Another thing that has been a real help has been some videotape footage. I thank God that those good pictures have replaced for the most part those bad pictures.

My husband died suddenly on October 9th. I left him at 7 pm after eating dinner at a restaurant. He was heading home with our son and I was heading to church for a committee meeting. He joked with our kids when he got home and then sat down with his laptop on the sofa. His heart just stopped. The EMT's said he never felt a thing and never knew what happened. I'm glad we had dinner together and the last thing he said to me was that he would see me in the morning since he would be asleep when I got home. It's hard reconciling having dinner with him at 7 and his dying 20 minutes later. It's so hard because I never had the chance to say goodbye.

JeanR, I am sorry,that is hard.

May I suggest something that my wife's daughter (from previous marriage) did. She was not able to say goodbye, either, and she wrote an email to her mother saying goodbye. She said how much she loved her and gave a bunch of good memories that she had from growing up. She said that it really helped her. I'll tell you, though, when I found the email in my wife's email the day after she died I just cried and cried, but it was good, all the same.

 

[angels23]

I have read this forum a few times recently, but I just don't understand my feelings. I lost my husband this past June to Cancer. At first I couldn't hide my feelings, everything would just pour out. Nowdays, I pre-occupy myself by trying to help others in my church, my family etc.. I guess you could say I've been tear free for awhile now. Yet at the sametime, I find it hard to talk about him (unless it's something funny), and when I think about him all I see is what appears to be vague memories. I'm worried about the future and what it might bring for our family and most importantly I'm terrified of losing him forever. Like out of sight, out of mind. Something else I don't understand is when will the grieving stop? Anyone have any step-by-step answers for me? Thanks just for reading my blubber, guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

Hey Sis, i think it's in Vain to worry about the Future, you see you dont change anything by worrying, God first of all Loves and Cares about you. He's with you in the hard time, Trouble is a God magnet, Draws God, so whenever you need help....God is there. Phil 4:6 says Not to worry but pray and God wll give us peace.
Jesus please let Nancy know how much you Love and care for her. Please let her feel your presence around her in Jesus Name. God Loves you Nancy and so do we.

 

[Nancy333]

I just now read that angels23, thank you so much for that lovely prayer. It really helped me, must admit that I have a tear or two (good ones) just knowing that others can help me get closer to God. People who don't even know me. Thank you again.

 

[raffster]

I have read this forum a few times recently, but I just don't understand my feelings. I lost my husband this past June to Cancer. At first I couldn't hide my feelings, everything would just pour out. Nowdays, I pre-occupy myself by trying to help others in my church, my family etc.. I guess you could say I've been tear free for awhile now. Yet at the sametime, I find it hard to talk about him (unless it's something funny), and when I think about him all I see is what appears to be vague memories. I'm worried about the future and what it might bring for our family and most importantly I'm terrified of losing him forever. Like out of sight, out of mind. Something else I don't understand is when will the grieving stop? Anyone have any step-by-step answers for me? Thanks just for reading my blubber, guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

My grandfather passed away 35 years ago and my grandmother will still get teary eyed when she talks about him. Death, divorce or any kind of separation of this magnitude I am starting to believe now will be grieved over for the rest of your life. Of course the intensity fades but that the truth is that love never dies. Memories help us remember the many things we need to be thankful for.

My wife is alive and well and yet there have been times in this separation where I felt that it might be easier if she was just dead or heck even I could just die, for all I cared. (Sorry about the harshness) but the point I was trying to make is that because she has refused to give me another chance it's just so freaking hard to move on. It's so hard to have a closure when you know that there is still hope but the other person refuses to see that hope. In death there is no other way but to move on. In separation the gray area can oftentimes be more challenging the death.

I feel for your loss and all I can say is that you should just try to hang in there and whatever happens, don't succumb to despair. Despair is BAD and I'm pretty good at getting myself into very deep despair.