Guys, I am in so much pain right now, it's just destroying me. I spent the Christmas holidays passing out from SADNESS. I haven't been this bad since way before I started my first medication. I feel awful. I've returned to school and I'm like a zombie walking through the halls. I've chased off all of my friends, and I'm hurting myself through various forms of self injury and self abuse. I've got this illogical side to me that whispers thoughts into my head that are so incredibly vile I would never speak them out loud. My mom wants me to be hospitalized, and I'm having trouble doing things like walking up and down stairs. I stop in the middle and start crying. I've convinced myself I'm worthless and ugly, and I can't stand myself anymore.
So much to say...
Aredhel, you are hurting inside. Emotional pain is growing, and it is leading to the self abuse/injury. I want you to understand that you are not helpless, worthless, or any of that nonsense. You are a beautiful child of God who has lost her way. You are no different than anyone else. It is your heart that makes you unique, and there is a treasure there for all others. That treasure has been shattered, evil you consumed gotten the reigns are doing what they do best. Trying to get you to drown, so your awesome potiential won't be unleashed.
I tell you the truth, your faith will save you. In a nut shell true healing comes from understanding God's truth and allowing his mercy to rain on your soul.
You are born in world drowning in sin. As such you learned things from that world, as such you never healed from prior pain. Put your faith in Lord Jesus, let him be your solid rock in middle of the storm.
Luke 6:46-49
46 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? 47 I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. 48 It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. 49 But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
What you believe is VERY important. Think of the first Matrix movie. Where Neo looked at himself as nothing, but something in his heart was seeking something greator. When he started to believe is when he realized what great potiential that was placed in him. Think of your mind like the Matrix. God will teach you about it and help you understand it. Choice is yours, let the matrix control you or you control it. If you believe that you are worthless, you are in essance suffocating yourself emotionally. If you believe, even with musterd seed of faith, that God help you be his chosen. You will break free from the prison of your mind, your sinful nature.
More biblical discussion on this,
click on this link.
I really want you to take this next year and focus on learning how to love yourself again. Work on that walk with God, and make his truth your own. As you do so his mercy will nurture you as an out pouring of his deep love.
Be Creative! Get pen and paper to just write whatever on your mind. Emotions need to be expressed. Even the good, bad, and the ugly ones. Also try out different creative processes, like sketching, painting, singing, play an insturment, or whatever inspires you. This is therapeutic, but not therapy. Creativity creates internal joy, and start to find your gifts that God gave you before you where born.