I have made a mess....not sure what to do

musicman61 said:

To start with....I need to confess that I am responsible entirely for my current situation. I am not putting off blame on anyone but myself.

I am a believing Christian and have been for over 30 years. I have been married for just over 29 years now and have four grown kids. Just over four months ago my wife and I separated. Our marriage has struggled for over a decade and I was convinced by hanging in there and prayer and trying to change things would get better. We (my wife and I) got along well, but it was as friends, not as lovers. There was no intimacy in the relationship at all and I could not be emotionally vulnerable with her any more. There are a host of reasons behind this decision, but I was the one who made the decision to separate. One issue is I have an innate distrust of counseling so I never sought counseling for us. I had many friends do counseling and more of them ended up worse off afterwards than when they started than the ones who were helped. Instead I read books, prayed, talked to friends who I respected about good marriage practices. In retrospect that was not good thinking on my part.

Anyways, I chose to separate. My wife was very shocked. My child who still lived at home was not. They had seen the distance clearly. I moved into a friends spare room to stay. My wife and I saw each other several times a week when I was at the house for one reason or another. We talked after a month and I had not changed my mind. I still have not on that front. While I do still deeply care for my wife, I simply cannot be married to her any longer. She is the most bitter, negative person I have ever known. That has only gotten worse through the separation (which is to be expected I think, she is very angry with me). I work for a Christian organization and told my boss and the HR people about the situation and while not happy they were supportive initially. That is no longer the case. They have decided that if I move forward with the divorce I will be fired. At this point my wife is also in favor of the divorce and wants me to file the paperwork. I can't until my job situation is better (ie. a new job).

If you have been in this situation you know that it is difficult to deal with inside the church. Most of my church friends, nearly all of whom know the situation, have said nothing and/or are avoiding me (since I am the 'leaver' and thus am a horrible sinner). I am lacking people to talk to and you desperately need people to talk to in this situation. Thus enters the big complication.

I play online games on occasion. Inside of one of those games I was a member of a in-game guild. A good number of people in that guild created our own chat forum. In that forum I met a Christian lady in the same circumstance. She was separated from her husband and seeking a divorce (which is still in process). We were able to help each other through some tough days and nights and encourage one another. We eventually discovered we live about 1 hour apart from each other and eventually decided to meet. And yes, we have fallen for each other quite hard. We connect with each other on so many levels and are both wanting to move into a permanent situation when we are both divorced. We have not slept with each other (no sex) but do have a semi-physical relationship and we are very deeply emotionally tied to one another. It was easy to justify at the beginning because we had both left our spouses with no intention of returning prior to our relationship.

But, we both realize that this is indeed an affair. No, we are not sleeping together and yes we have emotionally left our spouses, but we are both still legally married. And this is an affair none the less. As I have been reading different books/articles/blogs I am seeing that the odds of a relationship working that was started this quickly out of a marriage are pretty grim. I am also not going to abandon my faith, as flawed and imperfect as I am on my good days. I live in the grace and forgiveness of God daily anyways - that has always been my sole claim to righteousness - that Jesus died for me. Period. But I also know this is not a healthy place to be spiritually and that the intense emotions we feel towards each other could be a rebound from the deadness we both had in our last marriage. Maybe, just maybe, this is in fact the real thing and we could get married and have a fantastic relationship, but I know what I am doing now is not honoring to God nor to my family.

But I am not sure what to do. I do truly love this other lady more than I have ever loved a woman. My current wife and I were never this connected ever in our relationship. I want to get my relationship with God straight right now and I think some time without any emotional attachments will help me get my head and soul in the right place. But I feel that if I were to end or put this relationship with the other woman on hold that I am throwing her to the emotional dogs. Her current husband has alienated nearly all of her friends from her. She has almost no support team behind her. She is at a new church and knows almost no one there. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I can get right with God in this relationship, but I fear what damage might happen to her if I were to back away. I have considered writing her and email asking to put the relationship on hold until we are both legally divorced. But because of my work situation it may be months before I can even file papers. And is this too soon even if we did go on hold for 3 - 6 months?

Any tidbits of wisdom appreciated. I know I have made a mess of this whole thing.....

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Autumnleaf said:

Its not an affair if it is not consummated. Despite what the mind prosecutors say.

Go back to your wife and move on. Get off the cross. Someone else needs the wood.

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Svt4Him said:

Have to agree with Jesus on this one, and say the mind is in fact where the sin is committed before the body plays it out.

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