I have asked forgiveness

[COVINABP]

I did a terrible thing a few months back, quiet often people can't tell if I'm joking or not (done a lot of work there) & I work construction, I told my wife one night when we were in bed & she didn't want to have sex, I said "I'm stronger than you" I did not mean I would hold her down & do it, I also wasn't expecting a laugh, don't know why I said it, that kind of talk would fit out in the field, but not with my wife. We had other trubles in our marraige, she left me sevral months after this happend, with a lot of reasons, we had not understood what I understand now, I needed to spend quality time with my wife in the day to make her feel loved, and she would want to make me feel loved in the way I feel love (physical touch, and no, that doesn't only mean sex) but it took her leaving me to tell me how much it bothered her about that night, and for me to see the need for all the change in my life.

I have a whole new perspective about a lot of things now, and she can see how much better of a husband, father & God loving man I have become, but she is still not ready to move back in. She says she needs time to heal. With these kind of wounds, I really fear how long the recover will take, and I feel she would make a faster recovery here, than away. I am not in a position of "need" I do all the house hold chores, place looks better than it ever has, and always will, I love my wife, and miss her deeply and have sked her forgiveness, she says I am forgiven, but I don't understand.

I know I have walked into the lions den here or so to speak, being this is survivors area, but I figured who better to give me insight to the otherside of what my wife is going through.

Thanks for reading, if you want more details, pm me & I will tell you all you want to know, or I will post exact facts on this thread, I have nothing to hide. God bless

 

[goldenviolet]

wow. you really love her. your honesty shows it. was she abused in the past? if she feels she was then you may have made that wound opened again. i think you should start marriage counceling with the church. after you go a few times, invite her. this will give her somewhere safe to talk, and give you both encouragement.

 

[COVINABP]

Thank you GoldenViolet, We are actually in marraige counciling with a christian concilar, and we have many friends we talk to for support from our church, but you're right, her boyfriend before me raped her, and then continued to for some time force her to have sex, or perhaps just took advantage of her, in her state of not knowing what to do. I was very hurt by this, cause, she had lied to me until less than a hour from the time we got married, thats when I had found out it was something that happened more than once. Being a male, the concept of rape by your boyfriend was hard to grasp, I mean I had never tried to get a girlfriend to have sex, but I know if one had of offered, I would have fell into the sin, My wife was my first. So this area of our lives, her rape & all that went with it (we alloped & to this day our familys don't know it, everyone thinks were going on 6 years, when it actuality it will be 7 in a couple of months, yeah, I have to remember 2 annaversaries LOL!) so with all these secrets, I have NOBODY I can tlk to, I don't even want to tell the councilar, as that it may bring up stress in the marraige counciling.

Well, thanks for reading, theres a little more about my situation,

William

 

[WhiteWolf76]

Good luck. I hope things work out.

 

[COVINABP]

Been on vacation with her a week (& other family) just got back yesterday

Thanks for the encouragement whitewolf76

 

[COVINABP]

Ok, lets see here, just thought I'd make it clear, I did not lay a forcefull hand on my wife, she says she had sex due to fear though. any other thoughts/ideas I am really having a hard time with her being away to heal, I mean, if she intends to be totally healed from this, it could be years, and if not, then, what is the point in this time apart?

Hard night, had to ask/vent

God Bless,

William

 

[UnitynLove]

Have patience, God will work this out for you good.

 

[COVINABP]

A new twist...

My wife told me when I turned 18, the night before that she had been raped by her previous boyfriend, and this was a shock to me, as she always told me she was a virgin. The night that I turned 18, she told me she was giving herself to me as my b-day present (think I tod this part before, if so, skip to the next paragraph), I had saved myself for marraige, but after the blow from the night before, I decided to go ahead.

The day of our wedding she tells me the "truth", that it didn't only happen the 1 time, but consistantly after that, I never asked for a # of times, though I often would find myself thinking that.

Then we just 2 nights ago were at this thing @ our church, a seminar 1ce a week to help people in their marraiges, & the guest speakers that night was Jan Frank & her husband, (she has some good points for those who were sexually abused if you want to get a book, can't remember title, and gave it to my wife to read.). Anyhow, after this I realized that what I said may not have been so much the problem, as the fact that she was a ticking time bomb with the baggage she had from before.

The next day she tells me something that she says she told me before, but I do not recall, and to any male who had saved him self in our school ( I think I was 1 of 3 virgin grads of 500) I would have remembered, this was major issues to me, she tells me that it was not at all a rape, that she used that to tell me in the first place, I need to let it go!!!

I ask then, she doesn't consider it consentual, because that would mean she gave it to him, but she doesn't consider it to be rape, she says it just happened, I told her you don't have to say "no" for it to be rape. She said they still had their cloths on & everything.

I am hurt, I mean, my girlfriend before her made it clear to me when dating, "the only reason I am still a virgin, is cause no one has asked me for it yet" pretty much laying it out, all I had to do was ask, & I would have had it, she was not christian, had none of these morals, & when we would make out, it would definately be a lead up, but I never let it go further, I never laid a hand on her breast, or incorrect areas of the below the belt. So how come she couldn't say no, she attended church all her life, I never did, just had a good mom to teach me (dad made her stop going when I was 3 i think).

Was this a rape my wife isn't willing to awknowledge? it this consintual sex that she felt bad for later, as we all do after a sin? Why can't she know, I only know of having sex willingly, or against your will, & the just happened? where does that fall?

Sorry to be so long, just really hurting, all this while she is still not back yet, is she trying to make me not want her by telling me she was lieng all these years?

 

[BelindaP]

I'm afraid you find yourself in quite a situation. Did she or didn't she? Was she or wasn't she? I do not think that she knows for sure at this point.

It is impossible for me to say for sure, but what I think may have happened with her boyfriend was that he wanted to and she didn't, but she did not really indicate to him one way or the other. Being a boy of that age, he figured that if she doesn't say 'no', then it must be OK. He probably has no idea that he raped her.

I suspect that she may have been the victim of sexual abuse when she was much younger, although she probably doesn't admit that to herself. What happens sometimes in that case is that the victim learns that they have no say and that they can't say no. They carry that idea forward into their future sexual lives, which can cause serious problems for them and their partners.

Emotionally, they feel as if they have been raped when, in fact, they never overtly refused consent. That is probably why she has told you that she has had sex with you out of fear, as well. She is not trying to play head games with you; she is just incapable of saying 'no'.

I know this because I have been there. I was victimized several times as a child and had the same problems. Early in our marriage, my husband several times had sex without my consent. Fortunately, I did not blame him, because I knew what was going on with me. However, most women will blame the partner, because they are not self-aware enough to realize what is going on. They assume that the partner should be able to somehow mystically tell. The only suggestion I can give to you on that is to pay careful attention when making love. If she stops responding suddenly and just lays there, it is likely she is feeling helpless and unable to say 'no'. The best thing to do at that point is to wordlessly take her in your arms and just hold her, because that is what she needs.

I expect that you will continue to have serious problems in your marriage and love life until she finds a way to face her issues. She needs to see a counselor privately for a while to work out her issues separately from you. While you are greatly affected by her problems, you are not the cause for them. Pray for her and urge her to see somebody.

I hope this helps. God Bless.

 

[COVINABP]

Thank you, very good insight, what I have been looking for, some way to start understanding. I will try to convince her to go to counciling privately,

& So everybody knows, my wife moved back in on saturday.

 

[BelindaP]

Thank you, very good insight, what I have been looking for, some way to start understanding. I will try to convince her to go to counciling privately,

& So everybody knows, my wife moved back in on saturday.

I'm so happy for you two. I pray that God will bless your union and bring you both the happiness that He wants for all of us.

 

[chloeobrien]

As to your post. I understand where you're comming from, because my fiance has done the same before. It really hurts when the one you love says something like that or that they are stronger than you or that they can hold you down etc. It brings back memories of sexual assualt and abuse. And it really hurts. Before I told him that it reminded me of it all he had no idea that he was hurting me. There may be some miscommunication like in my situation where you opened up the hurt again and you didn't know but she didn't tell you either. I am glad to hear that your wife moved back in but be sensitive to her, and think about things before you say them because it may hurt her more having it happen again. I wish you and your wife the best of luck in your marriage.

 

[goldenviolet]

i'm praying for you both. God bless you.

 

[COVINABP]

Things are still getting better, thanks for the prayers