Thanks so much to everyone for responding. Although I've said it before on this site, there are about 3 things that I get hung up on. Even if I push them down and try to realize that I obsess about them, they are hovering in my subconsciousness always. I won't list them all, but I'll mention one in particular.
It has been times when I've been certain that God has confirmed that, although I do have ocd, the fears I'm ocding about are personally legitimate. Like the time I was so upset about feeling I had never really been saved and felt so hopeless with it all, so I took my Bible and walked outside and cried out to God. I asked Him why I had never changed, why this thing never changed in my life, why I couldn't seem to get to Him and get over this salvation issue in my personal life. Of course, I opened my Bible hoping God would make it open to something that would offer me comfort and hope. The very verses I read didn't make sense to me. They were the verses that talk about wineskin in Matthew 9:16-17. I told God that I didn't even understand what these verses meant.They were when Jesus was telling people that you didn't pour old wine into a new wineskin, but you poured it into a new wineskin. I sure felt as if they applied to me somehow though. So I added, "I'm sure You're going to tell me though." I felt doomed and like God was telling me something I didn't really want to hear.
Of course, the next day was Sunday and at church these are the exact verses the sermon was about. The minister said that new wine, representing Jesus, couldn't be poured into old wineskin, representing the unsaved person who was still in their "old dead in sin body", because that person couldn't contain Him. That the person had to be made "new in Christ", a new wineskin, to be changed and to be able to contain Him, the new wine.
My heart beat faster and that sinking feeling that my fearful feelings that God has just confirmed, yet again, what my heart knows (that I've not really been saved and changed) washed over me. Things such as this have happened so much and I can't seem to overcome them.
How else was I supposed to take it except the way that I did? That God was confirming my fear that I hadn't been made new. That I don't change, that this issue in my life doesn't change, because I've not been made new?
A man who has helped many people to overcome their fears, etc., through their relationship with Jesus told me one time when he heard about my struggles that it sounded as if I was a believer, but that I had never genuinely repented. I feel that I never really have either. I've cried and prayed and tried to make myself FEEL repentant, but it's just as if there's this calloused wall around my heart.
So, I fasted and prayed trying to get an answer to overcome this, yet fearing at the same time that I would feel stuck even if I got an answer. I went to church on the Wednesday night, something I typically don't do because I honestly don't enjoy going to church, of the week I was fasting and praying. I felt I would get my answer and, sure enough, the sermon was about repenting and having to repent to be saved.
Here I am beating my head against this invisible wall that seems to have no way around. It's like it's always before me.
I hate to say that I don't like going to church, but I feel like an evil person amongst God's real children. Like a snake in the garden somewhat. It's what I know, I'm churched really well, but I fear that's all it is.
Okay, this was longer than I meant for it to be. But, if it wasn't God confirming that these fears have a strong basis in reality when I've cried out the "whys" to my feeling lost and unsaved, why don't I ever hear things like "anyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved", and the sermon being about sometimes people may feel that they don't belong, yet they do instead of sermons that "confirm" my very fears? Kay Kay, the dream your husband had seemed to confirm that you belong, even though you don't feel it. The answers I get, outside of people trying to reassure me, seem to always be God confirming that I really haven't entered the party.
Ocd or not, people do have to genuinely repent and believe.
Thanks again for allowing me to spout out about these controlling life issues.