I hate my boyfriend's friend......

[Musician4Jesus]

It's not that I have a problem with him spending time with his friends. On the contrary. I hate it when people become so absorbed with their romance that they just allow relationships to drift and treat their friends/family like they don't exist. Then because of the couple
failing to think how their actions and relationship effect the other
relationships in their lives, other people suffer the consequences
of their selfish actions. The problem I have is this. Every week his friend insists on spending time with him. Sometimes my boyfriend's
life is too busy for him to do this or he just doesn't want to or is too tired or not feeling well or just stressed. If my boyfriend opts to not spend time with him, his friend gives him a guilt trip and won't let
up with it until my boyfriend gives in. I know it's important
to make time to spend with your friends. However his friend should realize that my boyfriend has his own life, and it's not always
feasible for him to do this. He is acting really selfish and really immature and this is really irritating. I try to be cordial to my boyfriend's friend. On another note, he doesn't do this for his sake, he does it for his friend's benefit. He does it to make his friend happy, not because he enjoys doing this. It's like his friend his forcing him into this and he's obligated to do this.

 

[Chie]

It's not that I have a problem with him spending time with his friends. On the contrary. I hate it when people become so absorbed with their romance that they just allow relationships to drift and treat their friends/family like they don't exist. Then because of the couple
failing to think how their actions and relationship effect the other
relationships in their lives, other people suffer the consequences
of their selfish actions. The problem I have is this. Every week his friend insists on spending time with him. Sometimes my boyfriend's
life is too busy for him to do this or he just doesn't want to or is too tired or not feeling well or just stressed. If my boyfriend opts to not spend time with him, his friend gives him a guilt trip and won't let
up with it until my boyfriend gives in. I know it's important
to make time to spend with your friends. However his friend should realize that my boyfriend has his own life, and it's not always
feasible for him to do this. He is acting really selfish and really immature and this is really irritating. I try to be cordial to my boyfriend's friend. On another note, he doesn't do this for his sake, he does it for his friend's benefit. He does it to make his friend happy, not because he enjoys doing this. It's like his friend his forcing him into this and he's obligated to do this.

As long as your boy friend keeps obliging his friend , it will keep encouraging and enabling the friend to keep doing so. Friends , true friends , don't pressure or lay guilt trips. We don't gain friends for doing and being as they would have us. Friendship is a bound of the heart , where time and space can't separate. The friend in question seems he may have some issues, encourage your boy friend to be honest with him concerning this, if the friend fails to respect and accept what your boy friend can give , then it might be time to find another friend.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

The only reason he continues to associate with his friend is because his friend has helped him when he needed help in the past. His friend is depressed and really doesn't have any friends. The same can be said of me. However if I had friends who lived in the same neighborhood or attended the same church as I did, I wouldn't insist upon them spending every week with me, because I know they have their own lives. As a result of that, wouldn't always be feasible for them to spend time with me. I'm not angry with my boyfriend, because he has no control over how his friend acts. His friend refuses to even attempt to make new friends, because he thinks it's rude to walk up to somebody and introduce himself to them (I'm not being rude, according to my boyfriend this is something his friend believes to be true).

 

[HuntingMan]

If my boyfriend opts to not spend time with him, his friend gives him a guilt trip and won't let up with it until my boyfriend gives in.

Thats not a 'friend'...that is a nuisance.

My wife Laura had 'friends' like that that she finally had to cut the embilical cord from and not look back.

My 'best' friend couldnt deal with me starting a relationship way back when and really went out of his way in causing me a lot of grief and acting all jealous of my time with my gf then.
I finally had to lay it out to him in words a child could understand so that he knew that this is just the way it is and if he continued I was perfectly fine with ending the friendship altogether.

Maybe your bf might need to do the same.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I don't think it's right to become so absorbed with the romance you have with your significant other that you just allow the other relationships in your life to drift. I believe you should think about how your relationship with your significant other will effect the other relationships in your life. I also believe you should think about how your actions effect others. If you fail to think about how your actions effect others, then others suffer because of your selfishness. I don't think that's right either. If you do that, you can end up making your friends feel dejected and hurt their feelings and I don't think that is right either. Yes I know a relationship with a significant other is more important then a friendship, but I don't believe that you should treat your friends like they don't exist simply because you're in a romance. We're currently in a temporary situation. We're going to be moving from where we live in about 9 months. If you truly care about the friendships you have with your friends, you'll make time for the friendships and make an effort to have semi-consistent contact with them, even if your life becomes busy. God doesn't expect perfection in regards to this, but he does expect
effort on your part.

 

[bliz]

What a terrible person your boyfriend is. He spends time with a guy who is depressed and doesn'thave any friends. How awful! He remembers how this friend helped him at one time. Wow, has he been manipulitated! What a creep! And he sees this friend on a weekly basis! What a waste of time... time, no doubt, that he should be spending with you.

What a shame you have a thoughtful boyfriend. If I were you, I'd dump him fast.

 

[apple_on_a_tree]

I will play the other side for a moment. Your boyfriend's friend is probably lonely and he's looking for his best bud to be there for him just like he was when your boyfriend was going thru his own problems. I have been on this end. It may seem like he's being a nuisence, but in reality he's probably very lonely.

On the other hand your boyfriend shouldn't just keep taking it. He needs to sit down with his bud and tell it to him straight. Say it has nothing to do with you, but that his life is just too full to be there full time. Have your boyfriend set aside time for his bud and if the guy is still being clingy then your boyfriend will have to make the choice to let him go... NOT YOU!!!! Friendships are so hard to let go... believe me I know!

Good luck and just be supportive

 

[Vigilante]

What a terrible person your boyfriend is. He spends time with a guy who is depressed and doesn'thave any friends. How awful! He remembers how this friend helped him at one time. Wow, has he been manipulitated! What a creep! And he sees this friend on a weekly basis! What a waste of time... time, no doubt, that he should be spending with you.

What a shame you have a thoughtful boyfriend. If I were you, I'd dump him fast.

ahahahahaha. post of the week.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I already said initially in the post that this has nothing to do with the fact that my boyfriend is spending time with his friend. It's how he's acting. He's being selfish and immature. If he chooses to spend time with his friend I don't have a problem with it. Fyi I'm lonely and depressed as well. However I wouldn't be so selfish as to insist on spending every week with my friends because I know they have their own lives and it wouldn't be feasible for them to do that every single week. My boyfriend's friend sends him on a guilt trip because he
chooses not to hang out with him and makes him feel like this horrible person because he would rather do something else or just can't because he's too busy. I spend plenty of time with him so this has nothing to do with me. If you say I have no clue what it's like to be ditched by my friends you're wrong. I've been treated like dirt by them. Last year I went to weddings all year long. After they became married (even when they were in romantic relationships) they became so busy with their own lives that I was treated like I didn't exist. A person claiming to be my friend, when I was going through a difficult time and open and honest about my problems (and a wee bit cynical as a result) showed his true colors. He rejected me because the message wasn't positive like he wanted to hear. So yeah I know full well what it's like to be lonely. If I had true friends that would be really nice, but that's not going to happen because it hasn't happened in 2-1/2 years. All I can say is I know what it's like to receive the short end of the stick with life, what it's like to be lonely, and what it's like to be treated like dirt by people you thought you could count on.

 

[Vigilante]

well, that sucks, man. are you gonna talk to the guy about it?

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I don't know what good that will do. If I try to talk to him about it, that will go over like a lead balloon. When you try to help people it unfortunately means exposing to them a possibility that they've hurt other people or because of their selfish actions, other people are suffering the consequences. When you try to help somebody I've learned from personal experience this is the typical reaction:they take the focus off themselves and accuse you of everything you're supposedly doing wrong. They would rather protect their ego then take responsibility for their actions; they don't want to relinquish their pride because it means admitting they screwed up. Hypothetically I'm guessing this is how is friend would act if I were to talk to him about this.

 

[Armistead]

Oh the joys of young love....

I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing under 20.
Anyway, all you can do is work with it, but there is some truth to the saying " If it doesn't come easy, you better let it go."

Obvious, most people fall in love several time before they find a marriage partner. My guess is this will be another one of those experiences.

Anyway,,,good luck.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

No I'm not under 20. It says my age right next to my character. My boyfriend isn't the one at fault, and I'm not angry with him. People keep seem to missing the point that I'm annoyed with his friend and not him. I'm also not going to run with my tail between my legs just because things become difficult. I already know from past experience that a romantic relationship isn't just peaches and cream because of the fact we've been facing difficult times since about June. Things have become a little better, but there are aspects of our lives and relationship that
aren't what we would like them to be. Some aspects we don't really have much control over, they're just things that occurred that neither of us expected.

 

[Simonline]

It's not that I have a problem with him spending time with his friends. On the contrary. I hate it when people become so absorbed with their romance that they just allow relationships to drift and treat their friends/family like they don't exist. Then because of the couple
failing to think how their actions and relationship effect the other
relationships in their lives, other people suffer the consequences
of their selfish actions. The problem I have is this. Every week his friend insists on spending time with him. Sometimes my boyfriend's
life is too busy for him to do this or he just doesn't want to or is too tired or not feeling well or just stressed. If my boyfriend opts to not spend time with him, his friend gives him a guilt trip and won't let
up with it until my boyfriend gives in. I know it's important
to make time to spend with your friends. However his friend should realize that my boyfriend has his own life, and it's not always
feasible for him to do this. He is acting really selfish and really immature and this is really irritating. I try to be cordial to my boyfriend's friend. On another note, he doesn't do this for his sake, he does it for his friend's benefit. He does it to make his friend happy, not because he enjoys doing this. It's like his friend his forcing him into this and he's obligated to do this.

Your b/f is clearly making a rod for his own back with which his 'friend' will gladly beat him?! Your b/f needs to treat his friend like an adult and not like a manipulative child (for his friend's sake if not for his own). He needs to force his friend to grow up by laying down 'ground-rules' for their relationship (it sounds like your b/f's friend may well be envious of you but he needs to learn that your relationship with your b/f, by it's very nature, takes precedence over his relationship with your b/f (especially if your relationship is going to blossom into marriage and family?).

However, you also need to check that you and your b/f are not so totally consumed with each other that you are unduely pushing his nose out (especially if he was your b/f's best mate before you came along)?

If that is not the case then your b/f needs to lay down some ground rules for his friend that includes scheduling some (reasonable) time for your b/f to be apart from you and with his mates (at least in body if not in mind and spirit) and your b/f must stick to the rules as well. If your b/f's friend is going to be asked to stay away when it's not convenient then he must not be forced to stay away when, by mutual agreement between your b/f and his friend, it is time scheduled for the friend and his mate (your b/f) to get together?

Simonline.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Why don't I like my boyfriend's friend? He lives vicariously.
He thinks it is rude to walk up to somebody he's interested in becoming friends with and introduce himself to them. If he has no friends, it's his own fault because he is making no attempt to make them. My boyfriend's friend implies through his actions that because he has no life of his own (or a life he loathes) that
my boyfriend's social life on the weekends should cater to what
his friend wants to do. He also spends about 2-4 hours on the phone every evening with my boyfriend. I don't like his friend because his friend is selfish........He implies through his actions that my boyfriend is obligated to spend time with him every single weekend and talk to him 2-4 hours every evening at a stretch.

 

[grandmajo]

I ran into a similar situation with my ex-husband's best friend. After we were married, he was at our house constantly, including for supper every night, 7 days a week. After supper he would still stick around and watch TV or go out in the shop with my ex. Many times he would stay the night on our couch. The problem was that he was that although he was a rather "loud" person in public, he was actually very shy when it came to meeting new people one on one.

Unfortunately, unless your boyfriend is willing to do something about this himself, then things will continue on as they are. In your last post you stated that your boyfriend spends 2-4 hours on the phone with this guy every night. What I see in reading that is that your boyfriend isn't all that bothered by the situation, at least not yet. And if your boyfriend is not bothered by it then he will be unwilling to talk to his friend about it.

Pray and ask God for His guidance and direction in this issue. He may send someone your way that you can introduce to this guy as a new friend. But also be prepared, His answer to you may be that you will have to make the choice as to whether you are willing to put up with this guy's behavior or not.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I already know this is a temporary situation. We plan to move because where we live now is just too expensive with the cost-of-living. The reason it's not feasible for us to move right now, is we're not in a position financially to do so. More often then not, my boyfriend hangs out with my friend more for his friend's sake then for his sake. I believe my boyfriend's friend is jealous, because
this is the first permanent romance my boyfriend has been in, in
the amount of time he's known my boyfriend. I don't like my boyfriend's friend because he's selfish and selfish people
irritate me. I also don't care for him because he says I'm codependent, yet he insists on talking with my boyfriend almost every night
of the week and hanging out with him every weekend without fail. It doesn't bother me that my boyfriend talks to his friend. It's the fact that because his friend is bored, he insists on talking with him for so long and what seems like every night of the week. My boyfriend becomes irritated when his friend implies through his actions that because he has no friends of his own (which is his own fault) he thinks that my boyfriend's social life on the weekend should revolve around what his friend wants to do. At this point he ignores him and avoids him.

 

[Elijah2]

Hi M4J,

I have briefly read through all your postings and answers.

Our Lord Jesus Christ's laws are confession, repentance, forgiveness, and love.

I saw a number of negative words posted by you in regards to your boyfriend's friend.

Have you ever confessed and repented your negativeness and sin. Have you forgivene your boyfriend's friend and shown the love of our Lord Jesus CHrist? Have you?

Hate, immature, selfish, selfish people irritate me, no friends, own fault, making no attempt, not going to run with the tail between my legs, like a lead balloon, selfish actions, suffering the consequences, relinguish their pride, and many more.

All these accusations and condemnations are not Christian! They are a sign of a proud person.

Now from all that you have said, is showing to me a very lonely, rejected person who is calling out for help, and that is including yourself.

Now, he does appear to be selfish, and possessive, and obsessive.

But, all these the traits and shortcomings are a sign of a rejected and an abused person, who is calling out for help.

Now, I can understand why you feel this way. And I can understand how a situation like this can get out hand.

I did notice that you said that you and your boyfriend might move away to get away from him. and the cost of living. Is your boyfriend and yourself living together?

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I'm not condemning his boyfriend. I'm simply telling people flat out this is how he acts. Fyi I've been abused too. However I don't expect my friends to spend every weekend without fail hanging out with me because I have little or no social life of my own. I know it's not feasible for them to do that, because they have their own lives. As for the question you asked, I'm not answering it, because every time the topic is brought up and goes into detail, I end up in a heated argument, people lecturing me, and/or trying to fix me. Which kindly, I really don't appreciate being treated like that. I admit some of the things I said were an exaggeration. Despite the fact that I don't care for my boyfriend's friend, I do try to act cordial to him. To me, if somebody thinks that because they have no social life of their own that their friend's life should cater to what they want to do, that is immature. His friend acts jealous through his actions. He's not used to my boyfriend being in a permanent relationship. He's having a really difficult time adjusting to this and is acting angry because my boyfriend now has a more important relationship in his life then the friendship he has with my friend. I'm not saying I'm a "goddess who should be treated like a queen" by the preceding statement. What I am saying is that a romantic relationship by its very nature is
more important then a friendship.

 

[ephraimanesti]

What a terrible person your boyfriend is. He spends time with a guy who is depressed and doesn'thave any friends. How awful! He remembers how this friend helped him at one time. Wow, has he been manipulitated! What a creep! And he sees this friend on a weekly basis! What a waste of time... time, no doubt, that he should be spending with you.

What a shame you have a thoughtful boyfriend. If I were you, I'd dump him fast.

AMEN!

WELL (and tactfully) SAID!

ephraim
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