I hate...me

[PureGrace]

I'm about 10 pounds heavier than I normally am (though still technically underweight) and I absolutely hate myself. I feel so ugly and discusting. I'm constantly worried about being judged, and judging myself.

When I see a very thin woman, my mom makes some comment about how she's just "too thin" but I'm just wishing that I looked like her. My mom made me gain weight freshman year (the first time I had an eating disorder) because I got so thin, and looking back on pictures from that year, I just long to look like that again...to me it looks good. I hate myself. I hate the way I look.

I'm starting counseling Monday and I'm so scared. I'm so nervous about it...I mean, I hate change...I'm so scared that I'll try and I'll do everything she tells me, but I won't get better. Or that it will work, but I'll fall back into it as soon as I stop counseling...

None of my friends know about this but one (my best friend), and he's off with his new girlfriend right now so he's not here to talk...when ever he gets a girlfriend, I suddenly have to take a back burner...understandable, but hard in times like this... ​

Kate​

 

[luv4godremains]

Kate, angel, I'm praying for you, it must be soo hard! I hope the councelling works and pray that you won't fall back into it again when it stops! PM me anytime you wanna chat, I know it's not the same as having someone there in person, but I know how it feels to go through the hurt pain of an E.D such as anorexia, I'm here for you if ya need me, k?
I'm praying that God will reveal how he sees you and change your heart to feeling the same way about yourself as he sees you!
God bless, good luck with the councelling

 

[Nan1]

Katie, girl...I love you! Yeppers. And so does God. And so does your momma. Most ppl with ED or SI have a terrible time with change. It's a toughie and triggers like there's no tomorrow. The good news is your mom knows and you're getting counseling (even though this is scary to you). You kinda hit the nail on the head with how you feel when you look (or want to look) a certain way. The key will be finding ways to boost your self esteem while being a healthy weight...something I'm sure you already know. I'm glad you post to get additional support.

Your sis in Christ,
Nan