I hate God! (My struggle)

[Hishandmaiden]

Below is some extracts from my diary. They are my struggles with my walk in God.

20/10/02

Father,
I struggle with my life, with my walk in you. I struggle to be sinless but I can't be so... for u see, father, I love sin. I mean, the pleasurable one. They cannot give me joy, true joy, I mean but they occupied my mind. God, why do U seem so faraway? Why do you create me and then give me so many choices that I always seem to choose the wrong thing? I always seem to choose the wrong things. Why are there so many thoughts, so many suggestions for me to choose to say out? How do I really feel about U? Which is the real me? Is it the girl who doubt your perfect love, or the one who love and do not doubt? Sometimes, I am one, and sometimes, the other. If U are a God of freedom, why can't I just pour out from within my heart all that I felt about U? If U are a God of love, U will have treasured me so much that I'll not fall away. I love U b'cos U love me, and I know U love me, and I still choose U over hell but God, I am sorry, I don't think I am worth anything, b'cos I don't feel unique nor do I think I mean so much to U that if I fall away and perish, U will never be happy, again. Because even if you miss me as your child, U still have so many other children. But for me, I have no one who really loves me unconditionally. In life, even life is not placed as precious and without value. If I am kidnapped along with my brother, then God, my parents would surely rescue my brother even if that costs me my life. So U see, the value of my brother's life is worth more than me, and my life, more than my sister. So, in life, comparison is always made. God, do you compare? I am sure U do, for if you don't, U will not had favor righteous men over sinners. It is easier to be an atheist than a Christian, to ignore everything than accept without questioning, to doubt God's love than to trust him. Even if I trust you completely, what about my family? How can I make them trust U? How can I influence them to accept you, how can I do just that, when my faith in you, my knowledge in U is unable to answer all their questions? Even if there is a solution, my heart will not digest it.

I believe God loves me. But I also believe he does not really love me. He loves me because of all the things he had done in my life and because he said so in the bible. He does not love me because he allows me to still be in torment, he wants me to trust him but he does not free me completely or tell me why he left me in pain, vulnerable to doubt, to temptation, to sin. He does not love me, because if he did, why did he avoid me simply because I sin. God, I am sorry. I know you love me. I know U do, and I know U speak to me, and U guide me. But I...I am not determined to walk blamelessly, I fail and I push the blame to U. I have hope in U and I know that I am preious to U. I know U love me, and my life is precious to you. I know you love me as much as the angels, as Shaun, as my mother.Without me, U will not have been complete because there will be a missing place left by someone you love. I don't doubt that. But that is not written in the bible. It is just my trust, my belief that I mean a lot to you. And I know that there are many things that only U understand, things too complex for a human mind to comprehend. God, I am sorry for what I wrote earlier on, but I am glad I write it for I am honest with my feeling, and now I can still write: I love U rather than let the feeling torment me all the way.

Jasmine
4:10p.m

 

[Hishandmaiden]

20/10/02

Father,
I will keep this short for I intend to speand some time on my study. God, I am sorry for the rash vows I make, and I'll take it back and ask for your pardon. I will fast, only from those shows that are ungodly, and will influence my thoughts in a negative way. Forgive me, God, I still cannot let go of worldly pleasure and I don't think that it is your wills for me to fast from allthings I like but you do want me to fast from those that draw me away from U. I know you forgive me for all things I do. God, forgive me.
I am not humble, nor do I want to accept a serving position. I love U, fear U but I cannot fully trust your authority over every things. I can picture you as a father, but not as a king. This is crazy, God that I harbor such wickedness in my heart. Forgive me that I...somehow I... resent U b'cos I am born weak, helpless, without power... unlike angels. I hate the angels b'cos they were so close to you, b'cos they were so near U, b'cos they see U, and b'cos I cannot see them but they can see me. I felt it was unfair that I am born, cursed, because of my forefather. I felt it was unfair that the angel can see you, but not me. So, God, I am, sorry.
I harbor hatred, envy, jealousy in my heart. Forgive me, God and clense me. I know God, that such revealation of my sins come from you, to correct me, to change me.I am made a woman, a girl and that is your will. I am not made very rich, or powerful, or extremely talented but your love for me will be no less than your love for the angels. God, forgive me. God, forgive me, and clense me. Help me overcome my hate, my pride, my envy!
God, I am sorry. I had never considered the angels as my brothers, or as my superiors. Nor do I think of them as inferior or equal. I hate them, for I envy them, for their power, for their knowledge, for their sinless nature, for their communion with God and for them to see me but I see them not. I am jealous of their perfect relationship with God which man lacks. God, I am so selfish,so wicked, but U still love me, don't you? If U don't love me, U will not have shown me the errors of my way. U love me, and U know I seek U, and U know I desire to know U, and U come to me before I come to U. You know all about me. I know it is wrong to compare you with the devil. But if Satan know so much a bout my life, U, being God will see thru' me and know me much more than him. U know every chapter of my life, even the future I cannot see. U love me, and nothing will change that.
God, U create me, U have every right to own me, to decide for me my life, to demand my absolute submission to your authority. AS for me, I am created, and I have not been a perfect creation. I loathe my existence. I see no meaning in existing solely for God, for him to exercised his love on me. I see no worth in being a created being. I felt that God, if you are truly selfless, U will not create me or the angels but rather a clone of yourself, one equal to you in strength, authority and power. And one who can truly resists you if he wants to, because he has the power to do so. I doubt your perfection, and your love for me. I don't feel like carrying on, because I see no worth in being a created being-- forced to love and serve you. I doubt that God can love me more than himself. If he does love me more than myself, why am I not his equal? These had been bothering me, it had been troubling me. My love for him is not enough to silent this doubt.
God, this is my tur feeling. This is what I am struggling with, this is my heart.God, can you see that this is the real me? God, I both love and hate you. This is my confilct. I hate you for creating me, for letting me exists to serve U but I love U b'cos you do not create me out of hate and b'cos I know U really love me. How can I truly hate someone who do so much for me? I cannot. I simply cannot. Becaue I cannot hate love, nor can I pretend not to see your love, I am in a dilema. For I love you, and yet... a part of me, hate you. Why? Which is the real me? God, can you see my struggle, my pain? Can U see how appreciative I am of you changing and moulding me, building me up to be the person you want me to be and yet, at the same time, I... sigh...I do not even know what to say.
God, what do I want? Power? Fame? NOOOO! I want love. I want your love, more of it. I want your forgiveness, your mercy. I want you to tell me that I am worth something, that my existence means a lot to you. I want you to tell me, God that I am precious to you, God despite my doubts, my worries, my conflicts, and despite my struggle to accept myself the way I am, a created being whose worth is on the builder, the one who creates her. How long will it take to go through this journey, to accept the roles you assigned for me?
I am not your equal, nor was I meant to be your equal, nor is anyone created meant to be that way. Some accepted this. Some don't. And I am one of those who don't. God, will you send me to hell, because of this? Because I don't know how to change or destroy this pride within me. Do you know, I truly wants to be with you. I do not want to be seperated to you. Yet, now I am commiting the sin that Lucifer is commiting. God, what makes me any difference from him? Why am I pardoned while he is not?
I am valuable, because you treasure me, because U see that I am precious or you will not have make me. If I am without worth, and my non-existence is better than if I exist, U will not have create me. God, I exist because you create me. God you make me, despite foreseeing that one day, I will be writng this entry in my letter, accusing you, blaming you, resenting you. You see all that but you still create me. Why?
You creates me. You creates me to be lower than you, than the angels, than the highly intellectual and the super wealthy. But that does not mean that I am worth less to you than an angel. You love me as much as the angels, and the highly intellectual. Somehow, God, U see worth in me, a woman with limited intelligence and no power. You see worth in a retarded child, who is in term of status and power, a little lower than me, but you love him as much as you love me. You see worth in things which I despise.
Oh God, by my attitude, my belief, aren't I contradicting what I want in life? Aren't I saying the very things I hate? Ain't I implying so far in this diary entry that this is a world where only the strong can live? That I, and the retarded child, being weak should never have existed in the first place? Aren't I saying what the world will want me to say? Yet, God, by my writing, isn't this what I am saying? THat I ought not to exist, because I am weak? Isn't this what the devil said to all who were lower than him, in status, in power, in intellectual? God, I am sorry.
If you create me as an angel, that will not be me. It will be an angel, created in my place and I, Jasmine will never have existed. And there will be no 'me', a girl who is writing all these to you, a girl who has lots of weakness, who is struggling to accept the fact that she is a woman and not an angel, and whom you loves and knows, and creates, despite foreseeing the struggles I will face, the rebellion I will lead against you, like right now. God, even though you know I will hate you for it, you create me, you create Jasmine. U choose to create me, over creating yet another angal in my place, because before you creates me, you already knows me, loves me and thus, wants me to exist. Oh God, U love me and create me. And so here I am, a sinner, an inferior, but someone U love and whom you see the worth of my existence.
You see that I will hate you, I will hurt you, doubt you, betray you. You see all sorts of evil that I will do. You see all these things even before you create me. And yet, you decide, it is better to create Jasmine than not, and so I am made. God, why did you make me, when you know what I will do later on in my life? Why do you believe that my existence is better than my non-existence? Why don't you make another angel, or hust anyone else in my place? Why, God, why? I don't understand why, nor can I fathom your mystery, but God, I thank you. Thank you for believing that Jasmine is better off existing than not existing at all. Thank you for making her, creating her, giving her a chance to tell you how she feel deep within, to be able to write out both her letter of resentment and of love. Thank you for making her, despite knowing the struggle she will face in deciding whether to love or to hate you, and the wickedness she will commit. God, thank you. If you had not made me, this entry in my diary will not have existed because there is no one called Jasmine to write it out.
Despite saying all the things I say, feeling my resentment, my hate for my unwanted existence, I still want to say God thank you for making me. And finally, God, even though I doubt the truth of these words I am going to say. I will still say it out. God, I love you.

Jasmine
10:50 p.m

I don't know how all of you feel, reading the ugly side of me, but I need help, and so I show you two entries of my diary, both on Sunday, 20th of October. This is my struggle, and though now, I don't really face it. It has on and off bothered me. Had you, any of you ever face similar sorts of struggles, before, or am I so odd that this is something new to you?

 

[Job_38]

Dear Jasmine,



God loves you...

 

[Hishandmaiden]

I know.
But I can't get rid of all these feelings within me.
Fully.

 

[Job_38]

The feelings you have are the same that I struggled with. I know I cannot give words that can help, but to look at Job. I urge you to read it, please.

In Christ...

 

[Gryphon]

Jasmine,
I think you are just saying what is on your mind and a lot of other peoples. Nobody wants to be one to doubt God, everyone wants to say "Yes! I have perfect faith!"

Well I know that I don't. I struggle greatly everyday not to lose the faith that I have. My life is in great turmoil right now. If God is not in it, then it is not worth anything except the fleeting pleasure of sin and that is not worth it at all. I struggle with the ups and downs of the grace of God and the attacks of Satan of feeling hopeless and alone. In reading what you wrote I read some of my own thoughts. Why am I going through all of this? Why can I not just KNOW GOD, if He loves me so much?



It's not an easy road to walk, that's why it is narrow. But deep down we know the answers because the Spirit is there waiting to talk to us if we only listen. I am trying so hard to learn how to listen.

 

[Sharky]

Dear Jasmine.

There is a place inside you that no one can touch. You heart is a secret place where God touches. He's not one to put you to suffering for He loves you so much it's not even possible to describe it.

 

[GraftMeIn]

Jasmine,
When I read the things you have written I see someone who struggles to draw closer to God. Surely something he delights in! The first step in overcoming our weaknessess is the ability to see them, something that only the Lord can open our eyes to. Once he opens our eyes to the things we need to change in our lives, we should be thankful he has done it, and ask him for his help to make whatever changes we need to make. Once we are able to recognize our own temptations, we are then able to call out to God and ask for his help when we are faced with them.

Here's a scripture that might help you understand some of the feelings you're having about your life in this world.

John 12:25
He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.

Also remember that we are not of this world, we are only in it.

You are going through a cleansing process. The Lord is at work in your life. Be patient perservere, and keep your eyes on him. We will all face many struggles, but he will see us through them we just need to keep trusting in him.

May God shower you with his love, peace, guidance, and understanding.

 

[Blessed-one]

yeah, we all want perfect faith as Gryphon said, aye, but struggle in faith may lead to maturity. I have doubts too, thing is... if i didn't have doubt, i probably wouldn't appreciate His love as much, i may take it for granted or.. don't even care as much about it as i do now.

the experience you get in the end proves God's perfect love for you. Take heart, God's always there for you!

 

[ZiSunka]

Having temptations is not a sign that God hates you, it is a sign that you are human. He understands your temptation, because while he lived among us, he was tempted in every possible way. He knows your struggle and he's actually right there next to you helping you fight against it.

Instead of fearing that he isn't helping you, be grateful that he is there helping you fight, because the temptation would be much worse without his strength and you might lose the battle against the sin.

 

[carmen]

Dear Jasmine,

Praise God for you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
You are so honest and so hungry for God.

This is specially for you.

You are special.

In all the world theres nobody like you.

Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like you.
Nobody has your smile. Nobody has your eyes, your nose, your hair, your hands, your voice. You are special. No one can be found who has your handwriting. Nobody anywhere has your tastes - for food or music or art. No one sees things just as you do.

In all of time there's never been one who laughs like you, no one who cries like you. And what makes you laugh and cry will never provoke identical laughter and tears from anybody else, ever. No one reacts to any situation just as you would react. You are special.

You are the only one in all of creation who has your set of abilities. Oh, there will always be somebody who is better at one of the things you are good at, but no one in the universe can reach the quality of combination of talents, ideas, abilities and feelings. Like a room full of musical instruments, some may excel alone, but none can match the symphony sound when all are played together. You are a symphony.

Through all of eternity no one will ever look, talk, walk, think or do like you. You are special. You are rare. And in all rarity there is great value.
Because of your great rare value, You need not attempt to imitate others. Accept yes, celebrate your differences.

You are special. Begin to realise it's no accident that you are special. God made you very special for a very special purpose. He has a job for you that no one else can do as well as you. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified, only one has the right combination of what it takes.

That one is you. Because you are special.
May God Bless you richly dear sister.
Will be praying for you.

 

[ZiSunka]

Jasmine,

You've made many, many posts that show how depressed you are, for many months.

Please get treatment. Life doesn't have to be this bad!

 

[Hishandmaiden]

Thank you for the encouragements, especially the post about me being special.

 

[carmen]

You are welcome rpggal. God Bless you and continuing to pray.