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Hee. I meant the post above mine, which is this one.This is just me, of course, your results may vary:
Every month I don't get pregnant is like a huge, long, hard kick to my heart. Because the whole process of mourning not being pregnant doesn't start with finding out I'm not pregnant. It starts way before. When I think I miss ovulation, or when I think I ovulate late, or when I consider all of the reasons why I'm not pregnant this month. Or even worse, when I've hit the ovulation dead on, we do the deed every day during the fertile time, and when I KNOW there is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't get pregnant this month. Pretty much the whole month I'm justifying why I should or shouldn't be pregnant long before I test.
Now my husband, bless him, gives me the "it'll happen," "relax," "when it's time..." speech, of course to try and make me feel better. And even though I get he's doing it to try and make me feel better, I want nothing else more in the world than to get my cast iron frying pan and just beat him with it. I hate that speech. I hate it as much as I hate that one stupid little line on my pregnancy test. In my rational mind I know that already. I know that I'll get pregnant when it's time. That doesn't make coping with the failure until we get to that point of pregnancy (especially since we don't know when it's coming) any easier.
What I want my husband to get, and I mean REALLY get is that I'm not upset that I'm not pregnant, I want him to get that I'm mourning a loss. From the first day of my last period, I've already charted out the next month's wave of bodily behaviors. I've figured out that if I get pregnant this cycle, I'll have a due date of November 2nd, and that would be perfect because that's 8 years after we went on a vacation that changed our lives, where he said he loved me for the first time. It'd mean by next Thanksgiving, I'd be a mom. By Christmas, our family is celebrating with a month old baby, a first Christmas. That plans people have asked about for the summer are kind of pushed aside, because I'm praying, planning, and hoping that I'll be pregnant by that time. I push aside red meat and stay away from alcohol... You know, "just in case." I need to dye my hair, but what if I'm pregnant? Better wait. What's that twinge? Did I ovulate? I feel pukey... Could it be morning sickness? Chicken makes me want to gag... Could it be...?
That for the 29 days between periods, I've related to, identified with, and fallen in love with my baby, a baby that I don't know will actually come, that I'll actually concieve this month.
And when I don't get pregnant... It's all gone. Gone gone. I feel the loss of a child, the loss of a life I'd set up, plans that I'd created based on getting pregnant... It's all gone for another month. Then creeps in the feelings of fear and dread. What if I can't get pregnant? What if there's something wrong with me? I, perfectly irrationally, fear that I'm less of a woman because I can't do easily what should be basic and natural. I fear that I'm less of a wife because I can't give to my husband and family something I so desperately want to give. Then I fear that he's worried it's him, and wonder and worry if he fears what I fear... So I take to try and comfort him so that he doesn't feel like I do (even though I have no reason to think he feels that way). I want to ask questions... As about seeing doctors and getting tests, but ask in a way that doesn't make me sound like I'm judging him. I secretly wonder if he wants to do the same.
Then my period stops, and it's "game on" again. The whole process repeats, again.
So that's a glimpse into the mind of a woman who "fails" getting pregnant. It's a shame spiral that I certainly didn't ever think I would be capable of.
What do I want from my husband during all of this? Well...
Even though I know my unhappiness makes him unhappy, and he wants desperately to fix it and look to next month... I want him to understand that I need my space and time to be upset. I want him to not try to fix it. I want him to let me have this time to be upset. It'll make him uncomfortable, it'll make him upset, even fearful, but I want him to get that I need that time.
I want to hear from him that he's just as upset as me. I need to hear that he feels this whole process like I do, that he's wanting a baby too. I'd like to know that what I'm working so hard to have is something that he wants just as bad as I do, and that he gets all of the stress I'm going through in this whole process, and appreciates it... Even if I'm not pregnant. And that it's OK to talk about being pregnant, having a baby, or being a family, even if I'm not pregnant. Not talking about it really makes it worse.
I want to understand that I'm secretly keeping tally of all the people in my life who're pregnant, just had a baby, or the like and asking "Why them?" every time I see or hear of them. That when I go out, I notice every last woman with a young baby, or who is pregnant. I really am excited for the people in my life who have babies and are pregnant, but a part of me, the selfish side, really resents that it's them and not me. I want him to think that if there is a pregnant woman around, I might need extra support, even if I don't ask.
The huge one? I want him to get that I've never felt less feminine, less like a woman, less successful as a wife, than I do through this whole TTC road. So anything he can do to reinforce that I am still the woman for him, or the woman he loves more than any other, or that he loves me as his wife and our family (future and current)... It's such a help. It can be anything from a little extra love and cuddles, to a massage, to just giving me space, or being a little extra gentle during those points where I'm feeling sensitive.
It's hard to TTC, and it's even harder to TTC and "fail" at it, epecially when you really, really want it. It's hard on everybody. I think that realzing that there are times where there's nothing you can do for her, other than just loving her and being with her, that's a big help.
Oh, and ditching the "in God's time" speech. Seriously, I know the intent behind it and I know it's nothing but from a place of love and sincere desire to help a hurting heart... But it really doesn't help.
He would give me the "in God's time" speech, which never helped me. All I wanted was to be held and to hear that he was as disappointed as I was to not be pregnant.
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