I feel so lost

[Cuillan]

I've been married for just over four years. I have three children. And the man I'm married to. When we first married he worked night and I looked after my daughter. He then got made redundant and I started working for a charity while he looked after my daughter. The first day at work I came home to her crying because he had forgotten to feed her and the breakfast bowls on top of the dishwasher. For the next few years he worked on and off but never got off his computer to help me in the house, not even when I had new babies, or a four yr old a six month old and severe morning sickness. It's always the same now I work and am out for 12 hours a day doing a physical job. I come home he hasn't done any cleaning, or laundry. The house is a discrayse, the kids have no clean clothes and I have to bake my lunch for the next day.
I am so tired and fed up, well just so stressed it affects my relationship with the kids.

I feel like I work my butt of so he can sit on his. I hate being a stay at home mum so don't mind working but I feel he should be doing the "house wife's" job if he's at home. Most of the time I don't see the point in this marriage.

 

[SAT]

Oh I am so sorry it must be so hard, I must say I am a stay at home mum with two boys and that is hard let alone having to go out and work as well!
And the morning sickness- had that for 3 months even had to spend time on a drip to get fluids into me, it was the worst of times, but putting up with this and a family too!!!!!!!
You both have responsibility for those children, and it sounds like you have one more child than you should have, (your husband).
Now I am a submissive wife so I am not very good at assertion, I don’t need to be, but before I married I talked with my fiancée what I needed from our marriage ie he had to support me financially, I would look after the home and children and he would work outside the home, once he came home the children would spend time with him, and we would both get them ready for bed, then we could settle down together. He leads but I am not his slave but wife who he is to love, neither am I my children’s slave but there mother who they are to respect, it sounds to me you have become a slave!
Right to get out of this you need to train, even your children will need to learn as they are learning mum is a slave.
Next time you come home from work and find the children need feeding split them and tell your husband he is to feed Peter and Mary, you are going to feed Joe and Bob, and if he is on his computer tell him that the children need him the computer can wait. You are not going to change him over night and it is going to take time, it is important to thank him for what he does, don’t nag him men take this as a reason to ignore you! You will for the time being still be doing most of the work, but your family needs training and you are the only one who is responsible enough to do it. Your children can and should do small jobs i.e. go and get xxx for mummy, oh thank you for getting that for me, please put your toys in that box, oh that is so tidy good boy/girl. Look daddy has made us a lovly meal.
Your expectations have got to be that they are all going to contribute to the home, there expectations are at the moment is that you will do it all.
Do not let this become a battle of wills, you teach with love and respect! Your husband has the power to destroy you, mentally and physically, but everyone will respond to praise and respect, and this is true of men.
do let me know how you get on, I will pray for you and your family,
Your sister in Christ.

 

[cerette]

You need to start by having a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and how tired you are. He simply needs to help out too. It's as simple as that. The question is, how is he going to realize that, and what is going to make him start doing it?

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, maybe a pastor or someone who can be there for you in real life and support you? Maybe your mother-in-law?

 

[SAT]

You need to start by having a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and how tired you are. He simply needs to help out too. It's as simple as that. The question is, how is he going to realize that, and what is going to make him start doing it?

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, maybe a pastor or someone who can be there for you in real life and support you? Maybe your mother-in-law?

I like this..... Maybe his mother-in-law too! Just need to be careful he doesn't see it as talking behind his back! Not that he doesn't deserve it, just some men can be stubborn can't they?

 

[cerette]

I like this..... Maybe his mother-in-law too! Just need to be careful he doesn't see it as talking behind his back! Not that he doesn't deserve it, just some men can be stubborn can't they?

Yeah, I think if she talks to his m-i-l, he will get defensive and angry. If she talks to her m-i-l, he might get embarrassed and actually listen to them.. But it's hard to tell because we don't know him/them.

 

[SAT]

Yeah, I think if she talks to his m-i-l, he will get defensive and angry. If she talks to her m-i-l, he might get embarrassed and actually listen to them.. But it's hard to tell because we don't know him/them.

Yes I think you are right, I tell you what my husband would sort him out lol.

 

[Brianlear]

No doubt, you should not be working all day AND raising your kids without help. That's not fair and he should be helping out. However, you might also think about his feelings about how you "hate being a housewife and just want to work outside the home--he should be doing the house wife job". Personally if my wife told me that I'd be appalled. You are the mother and really, you should be at home raising your kids. How could you even say you "hate being a house wife." That is insane. It sounds like your husband has worked in the past. It is a serious blow to a man's sense of self to lose a job. Perhaps you should tell him that you respect him, fully support him in searching for a new job, and that you would gladly stay home and take care of the house and kids if he could go out and make some money. One thing I am sure you should NEVER do, is try to hold this against him. After all he didn't quit his job. I suspect you guys have inadvertently entered into a role-reversal situation, and I think you need to get out of it. You, the mother and wife, should not be out working a 12 hour physical job while expecting your husband to magically become a surrogate mother. Yes he should feed your kids and take care of them but to be quite honest that is your job. Sorry if that comes off harsh over the internet, I don't mean it that way

 

[Autumnleaf]

I would sabotage the computer.