I feel lost

twinmama85 · Dec 27, 2012

Hey everyone, here is a little background on me: I am 27, mother of twin boys, active duty air force, and in the middle of a divorce after 7 years of marriage. My husband wanted to separate back in June, but we went and seen a chaplain and after all that, he said that God was telling him to give us a chance. A month later, in Aug., he tells me he can't be the man or husband that I need and he wants a separation, moved into spare bedroom and started taking off to his hometown (180miles away) every chance he had. Sept 2nd, he moves back to hometown and during this time, gets more mean and shuts me out completely. Fast forward to Dec. 9th, I gave him a letter that explained how I felt about him and the marriage, how our sons (4 yrs old) deserves to experience a family with a mom and a dad. I admitted my mistakes in the marriage and said I wanted to move forward, together as a family. I received a text that said he read the letter but his thoughts hadn't changed and he didn't want to play games. Dec. 11th I am served divorce papers and my life falls around me.

What do I pray for anymore?? I was praying and believing God would reconcile our marriage, but as time goes on, I find out more info (like his 21 year old female "friend" from his childhood is back in his life). He takes her to places (like a family's baseball game or game night) but has no other friends with him. I know hes developing an emotional relationship with her and is using her as his distraction, as far as physical sex with her, I am not sure and frankly do not want to know.

So like I said, what do I pray for? I want my marriage, I want my husband home with us. I guess I am looking for advice on what to pray for. I am scared if I pray for reconciliation and put all my belief that God WILL reconcile us, that I will be let down if he doesn't. I've heard many, many conflicting things about this and I am frankly lost. I did everything I humanly could do to stop this from happening, but it was never something I could control. I pray daily for it and it just seems to get worse and worse and more hopeless as the days go on. Do I keep praying for reconciliation or do I cut my losses and let go?

dayhiker · Dec 27, 2012

hugz for you twinmama,
Your right about not being able to control the situation. He has clearly checked out for what ever reason. So put it in God's hands. Focus on your life and the twins. Important: Make sure he can't get to your income. Plan that the next year is all about your being there for your twins needs and build your own life, get closer to God and learn about yourself. There is a grieving process with the loss of your marriage, learn about that. Take a Divorce Care class if there is one close to you.

Know that there is life even if your husband never comes back to you.

twinmama85 · Dec 27, 2012

Am I supposed to remain alone for the rest of my life at thr age of 27?

dayhiker · Dec 27, 2012

No.
At some point he, if he continues down this path, will want a divorce. Or you can can file for a divorce because he has abandoned you.

twinmama85 · Dec 27, 2012

He already filed divorce and I had to respond within 30 days or he would have gotten what he wanted. He is christian but doesn't thinknwhat he's doing is wrong. I'm heart broken and don't understand why God would allow for this if he hates divorce. I get no choice about any of this at all

Hetta · Dec 27, 2012

twinmama85 said:
Hey everyone, here is a little background on me: I am 27, mother of twin boys, active duty air force, and in the middle of a divorce after 7 years of marriage. My husband wanted to separate back in June, but we went and seen a chaplain and after all that, he said that God was telling him to give us a chance. A month later, in Aug., he tells me he can't be the man or husband that I need and he wants a separation, moved into spare bedroom and started taking off to his hometown (180miles away) every chance he had. Sept 2nd, he moves back to hometown and during this time, gets more mean and shuts me out completely. Fast forward to Dec. 9th, I gave him a letter that explained how I felt about him and the marriage, how our sons (4 yrs old) deserves to experience a family with a mom and a dad. I admitted my mistakes in the marriage and said I wanted to move forward, together as a family. I received a text that said he read the letter but his thoughts hadn't changed and he didn't want to play games. Dec. 11th I am served divorce papers and my life falls around me.

What do I pray for anymore?? I was praying and believing God would reconcile our marriage, but as time goes on, I find out more info (like his 21 year old female "friend" from his childhood is back in his life). He takes her to places (like a family's baseball game or game night) but has no other friends with him. I know hes developing an emotional relationship with her and is using her as his distraction, as far as physical sex with her, I am not sure and frankly do not want to know.

So like I said, what do I pray for? I want my marriage, I want my husband home with us. I guess I am looking for advice on what to pray for. I am scared if I pray for reconciliation and put all my belief that God WILL reconcile us, that I will be let down if he doesn't. I've heard many, many conflicting things about this and I am frankly lost. I did everything I humanly could do to stop this from happening, but it was never something I could control. I pray daily for it and it just seems to get worse and worse and more hopeless as the days go on. Do I keep praying for reconciliation or do I cut my losses and let go?

I am so very sorry. You are in a miserable position, and I can only imagine how sad you are.

Your prayers, right now, imo, should be for God to show you the way, and for Him to give strength and support to you and your children. You will need a lot of strength, that is for sure.

Praying for God to bring him back is fine, but it is my experience that while God hears our prayers and it is desire to grant them, there has to be someone listening on the other side (your husband) and willing to follow God. So far, your husband is not listening to God, nor following what he knows to be God's will.

I don't believe that God is in the business of "changing hearts" - that is why he gave us free will. But that is only my opinion.

Pray for God's will and God's blessings. Do not give into temptation to engage with other men (you didn't say you would, but I am just mentioning this in case you were tempted), nor to anger, and don't give up! At the same time, look for help from others, and assistance from those who love and support you.

I will pray for you.

twinmama85 · Dec 27, 2012

I'm not interested in men righ now, not only am I morally bound, I'm in the air force and fall under orders that I can't have any other man until divorced. I have read different things when it comes divorce and prayer and praying for something and believing God will do it. I have been praying for God's will and praying for my marriage, but overall God's plan. Its just really difficult for me right now. I guess reality set in that its over, I dont know. I've been strong but today was incredibly difficult for me. I just don't know what to do now.

Also, does this mean that I'm supposed to remained unmarried now until he dies or what? Am I, once time has gone by, allowed to have another relationship, possibly remarry?

Hetta · Dec 27, 2012

twinmama85 said:
I'm not interested in men righ now, not only am I morally bound, I'm in the air force and fall under orders that I can't have any other man until divorced. I have read different things when it comes divorce and prayer and praying for something and believing God will do it. I have been praying for God's will and praying for my marriage, but overall God's plan. Its just really difficult for me right now. I guess reality set in that its over, I dont know. I've been strong but today was incredibly difficult for me. I just don't know what to do now.

Also, does this mean that I'm supposed to remained unmarried now until he dies or what? Am I, once time has gone by, allowed to have another relationship, possibly remarry?

Some will tell you that you cannot remarry and that this is adultery. I disagree. There is no reason for you to suffer isolation for the rest of your life because your husband abandoned you. Take heart. Pray. Hear God.

twinmama85 · Dec 27, 2012

I thanks...I don't think it would be fair me to have to suffer more because of his choices. I can honestly say I did everything I could to save our marriage but he stayed on this path. Tells me we marry for the wrong reasons and basically married me out of convience and had convinced himself that...actions speak louder than words tho...over the years he was a loving husband and then he lost it.promised me that this was forever when he proposed and said he didny believe in divorce. I reminded him of this and he told me that I can't take everything hes said to heart...

Hetta · Dec 28, 2012

he told me that I can't take everything hes said to heart.

Yes, you were to take everything he said to heart. He made a binding promise to you, and you trusted him! That's like you reneging on your contract with the military and saying "don't take everything I said to heart .."

I sincerely hope that your husband has a 180 degree change of heart and mind, and I will continue to pray for you. Cling close to God. That is where your strength lies.

Christ Beloveth · Dec 28, 2012

Prayer is the master key, If you pray and an answer does not manifest, Continue praying earnestly, You've to subdue the problem don't let the problem subdue you.

And remember God is the Father of your children, Cast all their cares to Him and He will supply all your demand.

Remember you have to pray until something happens.

twinmama85 · Dec 28, 2012

I pray earnestly and I keep getting negative things, like I pray for my marriage and reconciliation and I get divorce papers. I just don't know what to pray for anymore. I want my marriage, but its clear he doesn't. So do I let go of him or what? What do I pray for anymore?

dayhiker · Dec 28, 2012

twin .. I wanted my marriage to work out. My wife was moving toward divorce and one day she said I should, "Get with the program." I didn't do anything to slow the process down after that. I'd seen guys that were obsessed with women that had no interest in them. It was clear to me after seeing that that I'd only enjoy being with a woman who enjoyed being with me. So if she wanted out she can have what she wanted.

twinmama85 · Dec 28, 2012

I talked with my chaplain and asked him about it from a spiritual stand point and he cleared some things up. He told me to focus on God, not my husband. He said to pray and work on the stuff my plate and let others pray for the restoration of marriage, but for me to wash my hands of it since I did everything humanly possible to save it, now its in God's hands.

Hetta · Dec 28, 2012

twinmama85 said:
I talked with my chaplain and asked him about it from a spiritual stand point and he cleared some things up. He told me to focus on God, not my husband. He said to pray and work on the stuff my plate and let others pray for the restoration of marriage, but for me to wash my hands of it since I did everything humanly possible to save it, now its in God's hands.

You have a good pastor. I totally agree with him. We are to "pray without ceasing" but I don't think that's the same thing as praying for the same thing without ceasing. Get yourself a good daily devotional, and perhaps one of those books of encouragement - Beth Moore does a very good one. For instance, I just opened the one I have, and right there was Psalm 51:12 - "Restore the joy of Your salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit." You could work through the Psalms and pray along with David. I can think of nothing better for a person going through trials than to spend some time in the Psalms. Don't focus on your husband's wrongs, just seek a closer walk with God.

Tigger45 · Dec 28, 2012

HI twinmama I've been right where you're at. I'm praying for you too.

twinmama85 · Dec 28, 2012

Speaking of psalms, my chaplain had me read 73 bcuz I feel my husband is getting off scott free bcuz and only my kids n I are suffering

dayhiker · Jan 2, 2013

ya, the world God has put us in, isn't a world of instant justice.

Jake Kelly · Jan 2, 2013

twinmama85 said:
Also, does this mean that I'm supposed to remained unmarried now until he dies or what? Am I, once time has gone by, allowed to have another relationship, possibly remarry?

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I know it must be heart-breaking for you right now.

There was a time when I didn't really understand the predicament that Christians face when it comes to these issues in marriages. We want to do the right thing and do everything according to God's word. We want to stay married, but our spouse doesn't want anything to do with us.

I don't believe that you would be out of God's will to go ahead with this divorce if it happens. It sounds like he has already had an affair from what you are saying.

It doesn't sound like he is a Christian either. Even if he is, he is completely out of God's will now, and I believe he is unequally yoked with you from what you are describing.

Obviously, you cannot date anyone right now, so I would just lean on the Lord and his promises.

For the kid's sake, you might want to keep fighting for your marriage for a little while, but I don't believe it would be God's will for you to be legally separated for many years simply because you don't believe in divorce.

I would ask the Lord to speak to your heart about the time frame of everything. It sounds like it is too early to do anything right now. Continue to ask God for a miracle to take place in the marriage. This is all you can do at this point. Let go and let God.

BigDaddy4 · Jan 7, 2013

twinmama85 said:
I talked with my chaplain and asked him about it from a spiritual stand point and he cleared some things up. He told me to focus on God, not my husband. He said to pray and work on the stuff my plate and let others pray for the restoration of marriage, but for me to wash my hands of it since I did everything humanly possible to save it, now its in God's hands.

I hope your chaplain clarified that God doesn't hate divorce like some people interpret passages in Malachi and Matthew to say. And that remarrying will not be adultry for you. Who needs the weight of that burden??

No, leave it in God's hands. If your husband decides to change, make sure they are real and tangible changes, not empty promises. If he decides not to change, shake the dust off and move on. Be free to pursue or not to pursue a relationship with another man as you wish, without guilt or shame.

I feel lost

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