I feel dirty

[Life2Christ]

I posted about this before but I attend church with my married neighbor. This is not intentional. We are next door neighbors and we just both happen to leave the house at the same time. So we walk together. His wife is not a church person and doesn't care. They are unequally yoked but that is none of my business.

Yesterday I didn't want to leave with him so I purposely waited. I walked by myself but he was already there. He always sits next to me in church...I don't like that. I do like him very much as a friend and I like to converse with him. So I do like him on that level. Our conversations are very easy flowing.

He always seems to compliment me when I see him at church. I don't like that either. And he seems to look at me in a way that I don't like. But again, I don't hate him as a person.

After church he walks me home and even when I purposely delay myself he waits for me. A few weeks ago I told him that I was going to "be a while" and he was like I have all the time in the world. He had nowhere to be and plus we live next door to each other so he didn't care.

I feel dirty. On top of all of this, I daydream like "Hmm I wish I had a husband that loved the Lord like he does and is also into me" But then I rebuke those thoughts. Married people with a wandering eye are only out for themselves becuase they are not fulfilled and are sabotaging everything around them.

Where do I go from here? (chruch wise) Should I start showing up late to church to avoid him ?

 

[dayhiker]

Hi life,
I think it is good to get things out in the open. So I would do two things. I would talk to his wife and tell her your concerns and tell her your not interested in her husband beyond being a goog neighbor and friend at church. Ask her how she fells about u two walking to church.
I'd also talk to him and ask him if he has any intentions beyond a friend. Keeping things in the open by talking and expressing how you feel can keep others honest I find

 

[Stealth001]

Dude has a problem. I'd recomend mentioning his wife every time he talks to you. I'd also recommend that you not spend any private time with this fella.

 

[Catherineanne]

Where do I go from here? (chruch wise) Should I start showing up late to church to avoid him ?

I am afraid you are going to have to be direct; men don't do subtle. He may be assuming things from how friendly you have been so far, and he is picking up some wrong signals. This is not good.

You need to tell him that you prefer to walk on your own, and not sit with him in church, because you do not think it is right. Don't get involved in a great long discussion of why or why not. It is enough that you do not think it is right.

If he still doesn't get it, talk to the pastor and get him to explain it.

Don't let this carry on; it is not safe for either of you, or for his wife. You have to be free to leave for church at any time you like, without having a neighbour hanging around to walk with you, and sit next to you. Tbh, it is a bit creepy when you have tried to avoid him and yet he still keeps hanging around. Best stop it asap.

 

[Catherineanne]

Hi life,
I think it is good to get things out in the open. So I would do two things. I would talk to his wife and tell her your concerns and tell her your not interested in her husband beyond being a goog neighbor and friend at church. Ask her how she fells about u two walking to church.
I'd also talk to him and ask him if he has any intentions beyond a friend. Keeping things in the open by talking and expressing how you feel can keep others honest I find

I personally would not involve the wife. I would not want her to be hurt by her h's thoughtlessness. The pastor is the best bet, I would say.

 

[Life2Christ]

I'd recomend mentioning his wife every time he talks to you.

I do, every chance I get. I think his actions are so subconcious though. He is not flirting with me intentionally. It is just naturally coming out of him. So in his eyes, he's not doing anything wrong. So me mentioning his wife is just business as usual to him.

I'm going to go to church late next Sunday, maybe 20 min. after it starts so that way I can just sneak in and sit where I want without having to chat beforehand.

 

[GQ Chris]

Good idea to avoid him.

 

[Bridgit]

Well, if leaving late doesn't work, I would leave early before him and try to sit where he won't be able to sit beside you, if it's possible. On the way back home, I would tell him that you feel awkward with him waiting on you to walk back and forth from church and always sitting beside you. See what he says.

 

[prodigal brother]

I posted about this before but I attend church with my married neighbor. This is not intentional. We are next door neighbors and we just both happen to leave the house at the same time. So we walk together. His wife is not a church person and doesn't care. They are unequally yoked but that is none of my business.

Yesterday I didn't want to leave with him so I purposely waited. I walked by myself but he was already there. He always sits next to me in church...I don't like that. I do like him very much as a friend and I like to converse with him. So I do like him on that level. Our conversations are very easy flowing.

He always seems to compliment me when I see him at church. I don't like that either. And he seems to look at me in a way that I don't like. But again, I don't hate him as a person.

After church he walks me home and even when I purposely delay myself he waits for me. A few weeks ago I told him that I was going to "be a while" and he was like I have all the time in the world. He had nowhere to be and plus we live next door to each other so he didn't care.

I feel dirty. On top of all of this, I daydream like "Hmm I wish I had a husband that loved the Lord like he does and is also into me" But then I rebuke those thoughts. Married people with a wandering eye are only out for themselves becuase they are not fulfilled and are sabotaging everything around them.

Where do I go from here? (chruch wise) Should I start showing up late to church to avoid him ?

men need direct words, we don't read between the lines so well, I would suggest the direct approach

 

[Life2Christ]

men need direct words, we don't read between the lines so well,

That's sad. (that I have to go out of my way so that he realizes he's inconveniencing me.)

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I would tell him directly that it is making you feel uncomfortable and "other" people might get the wrong idea and you wouldn't want that. And just be honest and say you would like to just come and go by yourself. I would tell the wife but I would say something like "I'm sure so and so doesn't have any ill intentions because I'm sure you guys have a great relationship, but it's making you uncomfortable having him wait for you all the time and you like them as friends but want the freedom to come and go by yourself and also the fact that you wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about either one of you so...

 

[iambren]

Direct, but don't involve wife. He hasn't done anything overtly and this can all turn on you in a New York minute.

Tell him "Ya know, I've decided that I want to walk alone from now on. It helps me to meditate and think about God." He can't argue with that and hopefully he won't stalk you. And if he does get legal.

 

[cmarie423]

Personally I feel sorry for him. Although he is married he probably wishes he had a wife like you who loves the Lord like he does. I know it's wrong for him to do so but that's what usually happens when couples aren't on the same page in a relationship. I would just tell him the complete truth. If he's a good friend he'll understand. Don't worry about thinking about him as what you would like in a husband either. It's not like you like a married man, you just desire those kind of traits in a husband. I'm sure things will get better but talking to him will really help.

 

[dayhiker]

I can se him not thinking that he is flirting. That's why I think it will be good to talk to his wife. How does she understand his actions? Is she comfortable with his actions. I also think its god to let his wife know that you are conscious of his actions and you have no hidden motives.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I can se him not thinking that he is flirting. That's why I think it will be good to talk to his wife. How does she understand his actions? Is she comfortable with his actions. I also think its god to let his wife know that you are conscious of his actions and you have no hidden motives.

I agree with this!

 

[renewed21]

Facts:

1. Men don't do/understand subtle.
2. Involving the wife has big downside.
3. If you want to remain as friendly neighbors , don't make this situation worse by overreacting.

IMO, as a non-subtle man, you should:

1. "I think it's best that we don't walk or sit together at church, I feel it gives hte impression of impropriety."

2. If he still doesn't get it, then step up the level of directness in you communication until he does.


Just trying to relay the importance of a measured response in proportion to the situation. Also, IMO I think involving the wife is really gonna make things complex, so i'd do that only when neccessary. Just MHO as a "slow" male. Good luck.

 

[dayhiker]

I guess I don't see how a complete solution can come till one knows what all parties feel about it. If the wife is left out, the husband is cut off, how can good relationships still be had with theses neighbors?

 

[Life2Christ]

My plan is to avoid walking to church with him. I'm going to walk into church late so I can sit on my own. I just dont want any opportunities to arise. I'm friends with his wife. She's quite a character and not the most likable person. She is smug and tries to one up you at every turn but I do like her and she is worthy in her own right. I know they do love each other very much.

 

[blackjellybean]

Have a read of these, might be helpful to you:

Question: "How can married Christians avoid emotional affairs?"

Answer: An emotional affair occurs when a married person shares emotional intimacy and support with an individual other than his/her spouse. Marital partners should share problems, feelings, and needs with one other and determine the boundaries of what can be shared and to whom. Depending on others to meet our emotional needs can become a temptation, especially when spouses spend much time apart while spending large blocks of time with others. Co-workers and those in close proximity on a daily basis can become a substitute for emotional support. Work relations and friendships need to have proper boundaries to ensure they do not become inappropriate.

There are warning signs that a platonic friendship could be leading to an emotional affair. When we start to feel a need to hide aspects of a relationship, we are crossing a line into inappropriate territory. Emotional distance between spouses or an increase in arguments may indicate one spouse is turning to another person for closeness. Intimacy requires closeness, and that cannot happen if a spouse gives his/her closeness to someone outside the marriage. Thus, emotional affairs often lead to sexual affairs as the intimate emotional closeness shifts to physical closeness. Many people deny the seriousness of an emotional affair, but such affairs are not harmless and can destroy marriages and families.

Christians should make choices that guard against the temptation to lean on someone other than the spouse God has given to them. Some are:

1. Do not spend time alone with anyone of the opposite gender, especially one you are attracted to.
2. Do not spend more time with another person than your spouse.
3. Do not share intimate details of life with anyone before sharing it with your spouse.
4. Live transparently. Do everything as if your spouse is present.
5. Devote personal time to prayer and Bible study. Ask God to put a hedge around your marriage.
6. Maintain a pure thought life. Do not entertain fantasies about other people.
7. Plan time with your spouse on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis and use those times to build emotional closeness between you.

All of these choices will help Christians to identify weak areas and avoid the temptation of an emotional affair.

Christian priorities must put marriage and family second only to the Lord. The Lord designed marriage to make two people into one person (Genesis 2:24). He wants them to grow together and let nothing separate them (Matthew 19:6). Married partners must value their relationship in the way the Lord values marriage and work on ways to build closeness in order to strengthen it. The Lord also forbids adultery or lusting for a person outside of marriage (Proverbs 6:25; Exodus 20:14; Matthew 5:28). People who go outside the Lord’s design to meet their needs will ultimately sin against God and potentially ruin their relationships with Him and with one another (Proverbs 6:32; 1 Corinthians 6:9-20).

The world believes that married partners need to have separate lives to be healthy. That is simply not God’s plan in creating men and women or marriage. He intended for married people to share a life together and create a family. Intimacy is formed when people are planning their lives together rather than living two separate lives in the same household. Those who do not understand God’s plan for married people can be misled into thinking it is unhealthy to share everything with one person, but that is what makes marriage different than any other relationship. It is a blessed union between two people and mirrors that of Christ and His church. Sharing intimacy with someone other than a spouse, whether physical or emotional, is sin and a violation of trust.


Question: "Should a married person have a close friend of the opposite sex?"

Answer: The Bible does not forbid close friendships between men and women. As Christians, however, there are some principles that we would be wise to heed. Married people especially need to be wary of friendships with members of the opposite sex because temptations are more likely to arise when there are marital problems. If a man's best friend is a woman who is not his wife, he is likely to share these problems with her, which can lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment.

Most married men (or women) who have affairs purposely go out to find a romantic interest outside of their marriage. So many people say, "I didn't mean for it to happen; it just happened." These things "just happen" when we put ourselves in situations that are difficult to control. When a man has a wife who is not necessarily very attentive to his needs, he could easily feel that he has fallen in love with another woman who does give him this attention he craves.

Even a marriage that is built on a foundation of faith in Christ and has relatively few problems is not immune to extra-marital temptations. This is why the Bible does not tell us to stick around and try to fight temptation, but to flee from it like we do from all "youthful lusts" (2 Timothy 2:22). Trying to fight temptation seems to become especially difficult when it comes to matters of the heart or the lusts of the flesh. First Corinthians 6:18 tells us that we need to run away from sexual sin, because it is much easier to run away from temptation than to stay and fight it.

Married men and women should carefully avoid putting themselves in compromising situations when it comes to the opposite sex. If they are seen together in public, it will give the wrong impression. If they are alone on the phone or in person, they will subject themselves to the temptation of an emotional or physical affair. The Bible tells us that everything we do should be for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31), so the wise thing would be to stick to visiting as couples or "double dating" with other married couples, as opposed to risking the complications associated with close friendships with the opposite sex.​

 

[dayhiker]

Bean,
We are single. Didn't you chech to see what sub-Forum you are in?