I dont want to hate him....

[Tearbear]

I am having a hard time to keep hate out of my heart. I was married (still by law married) to a guy for six years. I did everything for him and our children, even though he was mentally abusive and starting to get physically abusive. So I decide we should take a brake and I moved back to the state I was originally from with my children. He followed and lives with his parents. The problem is that we decided to work things out, not see other people and try to make this marriage work because we promised in our vows we would. I found out last night that he is sleeping with a girl he works with, and he had the nerve to open the door to me and the kids with hickeys on his chest. It is hard not to hate him when he has done me (and our kids) so wrong. After talking to his horrible sister they have decided that the affair(s) and the abuse he had committed that it is all my fault. I need help to not hate him!!!
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[Autumnleaf]

You were naive to withhold sex and think it wouldn't cause problems. He was wrong to cheat. Hating him won't change things but getting back together and getting him away from the other girl might.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

Be yourself. Some hates are reactionary to stimuli and will disolve in time. Give yourself time and space.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

It's not your fault at all! If he really loved you and really wanted to be with you then he would be able to remain faithful to you and to God. Time and space will heal your heart and you really need to focus on you at this time and just leave him to his own destructive ways.

 

[deliciousBass]

I am having a hard time to keep hate out of my heart. I was married (still by law married) to a guy for six years. I did everything for him and our children, even though he was mentally abusive and starting to get physically abusive. So I decide we should take a brake and I moved back to the state I was originally from with my children. He followed and lives with his parents. The problem is that we decided to work things out, not see other people and try to make this marriage work because we promised in our vows we would. I found out last night that he is sleeping with a girl he works with, and he had the nerve to open the door to me and the kids with hickeys on his chest. It is hard not to hate him when he has done me (and our kids) so wrong. After talking to his horrible sister they have decided that the affair(s) and the abuse he had committed that it is all my fault. I need help to not hate him!!!
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Well, I can't really blame you for feeling hate towards him now. You're only human. But I'm pretty sure your feelings of hate will subside. Just like most things, it will take time. Are you filing for divorce?

 

[overit]

Actually it's quite common for a woman to hate a man that abuses her.

GRR autumnleaf-she withheld sex? Whatever, they seperated becaused he abused her!!! What do you expect she do, turn the other cheek, let him smack her around some more so the kids can see and bend over so he can get his rocks off?! DISGUSTING_SICK_VILE!

Or maybe that he's screwing somebody else she should go back so he can abuse her some more and spread open so he won't stray (like he wouldn't stray anyway).
Great advice! YOu should offer your services at a shelter!

OP, he's an abuser and a cheater and blames you.

Get an attorney, let the hate you have now (which is really anger) propel you to get out of that mess. Believe me forgiveness, healing and the loss of hatred will come later. Women in these situations-this happens all the time, it's the only emotion that propels you to action and safety.

 

[Just The Facts]

Hi

LOL Autum leaf you are priceless WHERE did you read she withheld sex in any of her post.

tearbear Nothing hurts more then being cheated on especially to a person who has remained loyal through very tough times in the marriage.

try and turn the anger to pitty because in reality he is lost and has some serious issues.

As far as the sister of course she is going to say it is all your fault .

What does your Family say

How many kids do you have and what are their ages? that is where your major concern should be. It is always the kids that suffer the most in a divorce.

As far as hating him

this too will pass

Should you forgive and try and save the marriage.........................that is for youto decide........................just remember infedelity is very hard to forgive and forget. it will forever alter your relationship and if he was abusive and controlling before it will only give him more confidence that he can treat you however he wants and you will just take it.

 

[overit]

How many kids do you have and what are their ages? that is where your major concern should be. It is always the kids that suffer the most in a divorce.

I just want to reiterate one thing, the kids suffer MORE staying in an abusive home where abuse and infidelity is modeled. THAT is what they will grow up to believe is the way to treat women and if you have a girl, she'll believe this is the way a future husband should behave. Keep that in mind. No matter how much you tell them it's not right, if you decide to stay please be aware that there will be consequences tied to that decision just like any other decision you make.

With a divorce kids go through pain, no doubt, in abusive homes it is different as the pain is greatly reduced because they no longer witness abuse of their mom (which eventually would have turned to them believe me). And though there are healing points and issues to address, they are minimal in comparison to growing up in an abusive home-which has FAR greater impact in a negative way. It will affect them their WHOLE life and continues the cycle, not only affecting them but future generations as well. There is only ONE way to stop abuse, and aside from CHrist it is ending that cycle. Whoever is in it, end it.

It has been studied that kids are better off in a single parent home then an abusive home. BY FAR. I'm living proof of that as well.

I'd suggest contacting your local domestic violence shelter or phone number and obtain counseling right away. PM if you need any help.

 

[HuntingMan]

Actually it's quite common for a woman to hate a man that abuses her.

And very common for her to become detached emotionally and physically.

GRR autumnleaf-she withheld sex? Whatever, they seperated becaused he abused her!!! What do you expect she do, turn the other cheek, let him smack her around some more so the kids can see and bend over so he can get his rocks off?! DISGUSTING_SICK_VILE!

You'll have to overlook Autumnleafs comments for the most part. A good part of them that Ive read have really turned my stomach.
My wife reads a lot of his posts to and he manages to irritate her as well.
Its best to consider the source sometimes and just ignore folks who make statements like that.

Get an attorney, let the hate you have now (which is really anger) propel you to get out of that mess. Believe me forgiveness, healing and the loss of hatred will come later. Women in these situations-this happens all the time, it's the only emotion that propels you to action and safety.

I agree.
She needs to keep herself and her children safe and it will take time to get past the current emotions, for sure.

Abuse, physical or emotional, by a man against his wife shows this man to be one of the lowest forms of life on the planet, in my opinion...

 

[HuntingMan]

You were naive to withhold sex and think it wouldn't cause problems.

huh...

Could you show me the exact quote in the OP where she said she withheld sex and that was the cause of the problem

 

[HuntingMan]

How many kids do you have and what are their ages? that is where your major concern should be. It is always the kids that suffer the most in a divorce.

No, actually HER main concern needs to be HER marriage and whether that marriage is being perpetually sinned against or not.

I AM a child of an abusive household and I know factuallly that divorce in cases where the mother is being abused by the father is a BLESSING.
I know quite a few folks whos fathers abused their mothers and ended up divorcing and off hand I cant think of a single one who would have had it any other way.
NO child wants to remain and see their mother beaten by any man.

Her major concern is the safety of herself, her children and that includes the emotional well being of all of them.
It is nothing but torment to a child to be in a home where their mother is being abused ...

 

[overit]

Huntingman, thank you for that post!!!